To the Mistresses and DonJuans

[aries]

To all of you out there involved in a horrid affair, I understand..

 

Whenever I heard someone talk about someone else having an affair I used to think how terrible, these people must not have any character and are very selfish. I never thought that I would ever be involved in an affair and now I realize how easy it can happen.

 

I am a married woman and he is a married man. We both have children. I have been married for 5yrs., and he has been married for 8yrs. I started dating my husband when I was 19 and have not been with anyone since, I am now 30. The other man is 34. I knew him before I met my husband. I met him through a guy I was dating at the time who happened to be his bestfriend/frat.brother. We told each other how we felt and also had sexual relations. But in the end we decided we would hurt to many people by persuing the relationship, so we moved on.

 

I have always thought about him, but just put it all away as the past. Well, he decided to try to get in touch with me through a mutual friend. What would be the chances that I would be willing to see him and he me at the same time in our lives. That's why I believe that things just do happen sometimes that you totally are not looking for to happen or expect. We met and had a great time, it was like there was no time between us but it had been 14yrs. since we had last seen each other. To make a long story short we kept in touch and saw each other 4 times in a period of 8mths. Then he decided that he couldn't deal with the guilt and the situation was to complex. It was driving us both crazy. I reluctantly agreed, I just did not want to see him go again. I know what we did was wrong, but I let my strong emotions rule over my logic at the time.

 

It has been 5mths. since and I think about him everyday. I wonder if he thinks of me. I will be moving in about a month to where he lives. My husband got a great job there. I know it will be even harder then. But I know we did the right thing by not carrying on the affair.

 

So for all of you immoral, self-centered,weak, sex addicted,home-wreckers out there, I can totally relate. I will never judge anyone again, it is not my place. I think most of us come to these forums for advice, answers, hope for the future of our situations. But most of us get bashed for what we have done. I think we are totally missunderstood. There are some out there that probably do not feel any guilt or remorse about there situations but that does not represent the rest of us that do. I have learned that life is not as black and white as I once thought. There is alot of gray.

 

I like to read your stories out of curiosity and to know that I am not alone. I do get upset when some of you get bashed for what has happened in your lives. People can be cruel, I was once, but I see the bigger picture now. I will never justify what I have done, I deal with it everyday. The only advice I can give is that you cannot control situations like this. I think this is when you have to believe in fate and destiny. If it is meant to be it will happpen. But do not waste time and energy trying to make something happen that may never be.

 

I just wanted to write to say that there is someone out there that understands what you are going through and I feel for you. When you feel something is right in your heart it is hard to walk away from that, but sometimes it is best, for everybody involved.

 

Support always,

Aries

[Tony T]

Affairs, no matter how good they may feel at the time, always become nightmares eventually. There is a very heavy price that must be paid for cheating...whether you are detected at the time or not.

 

Thanks for writing.

[HokeyReligions]

The only advice I can give is that you cannot control situations like this.

 

This is not advice - it's your feeble attempt to justify your actions.

 

So do you advocate ignorance and not taking responsibility for your own actions and decisions? It sure sounds like it.

 

 

Some of us DO know what the temptation feels like, and some of us make the right choice. Some of us make the wrong choice and regret it and take responsibility for it being OUR choice. Some try to justify it by saying they have no control over the situation. That is a load of bull.

 

It is a CHOICE and that means that you do have control over the situation, you control it with the choices you make.

 

 

"It just happened" is what toddlers say when they have an accident in their pants.

[turtle]

So for all of you immoral, self-centered,weak, sex addicted,home-wreckers out there, I can totally relate. I will never judge anyone again, it is not my place.

 

It is human to make mistakes. I've done some terrible things in my life (who hasn't?) But I don't try and justify it! I suck it up, apologize to whomever I hurt, vow to never do it again, and move on.

[maskee28]

I totally agree with Hokey Religions...

 

It absolutely disgusts me when people say "it just happens" or "you just can't control it"...

 

whaddayamean you "can't control it"? YOU didn't consciously MAKE the decsion to start the affair? You certainly *could* control it, you just decided that what YOU wanted at the time was more important than anything else.

 

Sickening to try to justify an affair by making the statement "If it is meant to be it will happen". Sorry but no, if you CHOOSE it to be, then it will happen. We are not just brainless zombies wandering around the earth having things "happen" to us…you do have the ability to choose one option or another. If you don’t believe you have this power of choice, then I do feel very sorry for you.

[moimeme]

See, here's the thing. We are creatures of emotion and instinct and we are created such that instinct rules. It has to, or we wouldn't save our children from burning houses or live five days in the wilderness after a car accident or saw off our own hand to escape something.

 

There is not one soul on this board who is in full control of his or her instincts; some overeat, some do other things, but every single one has done something he or she did not want to do and thought he or she would not. At the last minute, the desire for that chocolate cake overwhelms all reason.

 

This is not a bad thing; it means that humans will survive, however what it does mean is this: the time to try to avoid an affair is NOT once your hormones are raging; by then it may well be too late. Rather, the time to avoid an affair is THE VERY MINUTE you find another person attractive. AVOID that person like the plague because nothing you do from then on will or can be harmless. If you take one step, you'll find yourself on the slippery slope.

 

So, yes, affairs can be avoided, but the time to take steps is right at the very beginning. It is as stupid to think you'll be able to refuse that kiss or those moments in bed once you've spent time with that person as it is to think you'll avoid that gorgeous piece of chocolate cake. Even if you walk by it, by the time the desire has begun, it will stay on your mind and torture you until you give in. You must not even get close to having the desire.

[midori]

I agree with moimeme. So many people "stumble" into stupid affairs because they kid themselves about whether they're attracted to each other, how much control they have over themselves, etc. Be honest with yourself straight off and always. You'll still make mistakes but they'll be honest ones, at least.

[aries]

I totally agree, never take that first step. It is to late for me, the damage has been done. I never said that I did not have control of the situation. I knew very well what I was doing. My point was that things do happen that you least expect or did not see coming at all. I was not looking to get involved with anyone. I was just so curious about him and flattered that I let my emotions rule over my logic. I am not trying to justify what I have done. Most of you seem to read that into what I am trying to say. That is not it. I just know that people make very bad choices in life and some great ones. This was not a good choice at all. But like every mistake you make, you have to try to learn from it and do the best you can not to repeat the mistake in the future. That is what I am doing. The reason I wrote was to give some support to those that may be thinking of being in an affair or that may be already involved. I want to say that I understand how it can happen, but do your best to get away from the situation. It is real easy to turn the affair into a fantasy, but in reality it is a bad thing that if you get caught you hurt so many and if you do not you have to live with the secret and guilt everyday. I did it to myself, I know that, but the consequences do not go away. Not for me at least. Just look at my story and learn from it. I believed at the time that maybe he was my "soul mate", that we are just meant to be together but made a bad decision earlier when we had a chance to be together, when we were single. These are the thoughts and ideas that go through your mind at the time and you start to believe it. Now that I am out of the situation I have a totally different perspective. I still care for him, but I realize that my place is with my husband that I chose to marry. It is not fair to him or my child and I think that is what he realized too. I believe that you can love more than one person in life, but the key is we are committed to someone else. If you are so unhappy, get out of the marriage and then persue the one that you want to be. That is the best thing to do.

 

Support Always,

Aries

[dzynr]

I understand what you are trying to say. I thought a lot about having an affair, and it is something that does "just happen" to you, regardless of what others may think. It is generally a sign that things are bad in your relationship, or you wouldn't be thinking of others in the first place. When you begin having thoughts of someone, they don't seem any different than any other "hey he's cute" thoughts that you have had in the past, and so you don't realize that you are headed into bad waters until you start choking. Since you aren't intending to do anything wrong, you don't look at the things you are doing with the eyes of a cheater. If you have lunch with someone, it's just having lunch. If you are flirting, it's the same way you flirt with anyone else, and then you slowly begin to realize that you are looking forward to things a little bit too much, so you blow it off as a childish crush and think you'll get over it, because hey, you are a mature adult, how can you not be in control of your actions? It takes awhile before you cross that mental line in your mind that defines having an affair, and by then it is probabally too late by other pepoles judgemental standards, even though you have caught yourself making a mistake. I think it is a symptom of unadressed problems in a relationship, and that you shouldn't judge people unless you have walked in those shoes.

[moimeme]

I totally, totally, TOTALLY agree. After all, how many people can point out the exact time they fell in love with their mates? Somehow 'this is a fun person; I really like him/her' flips to 'I can't wait to see him/her again' without your intending it to happen - and then it is too late. There are plenty of people in your life that you will like and never fall in love with - how are you going to figure that out ahead of time or ought you just avoid every person you like a lot? I'm afraid the answer may be that men and women can't afford friendships if they find they really like each other because that way lies potential problems.

 

A drag, but that's life.

[HokeyReligions]

The point I have made is that before taking a step toward an affair, end whatever relationship you are in, and make sure your future partners ends whatever relationship, before the affair begins!

 

how many people can point out the exact time they fell in love with their mates?

 

I'll wager that almost everyone 99.99999% can remember the first KISS and the first sexual encounter, though, and those are the choices I am talking about.

 

Before making the decision to have an affair - be free to do so, and make sure your partner is free too. I know, I know, sometimes people are lied to and they don't realize they are getting involved with a married person - but that is a slightly different situation.

 

Want to talk about walking in someone's shoes? How about this. My husband and I hadn't had sex in many years -- for a variety of reasons, most being physical. We were not very close emotionally at the time (had separated a couple of times - but not legally and not divorce) and I was feeling very lonly and very, VERY vulnerable. I felt unloved and unwanted.

 

I met someone. He knew I was married and he didn't want to cross the line, but he was falling in love with me. He paid me all sorts of attention and flirted shamelessly with me. I told him many times that nothing could come of it -- and yet I was eating up the attention. We went, as part of a larger work group, out after work a few times a month. My husband and I even went with him and a buddy of his to the theater. We laughed together, we had a lot in common. If I had not been married I would not have let him get away.

 

Even though I was saying NO verbally, I didn't realize at first that I was saying "maybe" with my attitude.

 

At one of my lowest points, he held me. That's all. I was crying at work and he came upon me in the file room. It was a friendly hug - one that it would'nt have mattered if someone saw us. It was a co-worker/friend hug - the same as a girlfriend may have give me.

 

A few days later, when I was feeling a little better, he kissed me. I hadn't been kissed in a couple of years. I think I stopped breathing. My mind froze. In a split second that lasted forever I remembered what a kiss was all about, I rememberd what it felt like to be DESIRED and to be treated like a woman. I felt a yearning inside that had been bottled up for so many years that it exploded inside me like a bomb. Those thoughts and feelings and responses came flooding to into my soul before any thought could come to my mind. I responded to that kiss without knowing that I was responding. It felt more wonderful than I ever remembered. I loved this man, I wanted this man, that's all I FELT at that moment.

 

Then the kiss stopped. It didn't last long at all probably - but it seemed like it did. I looked into his eyes. He looked into mine. He backed away and said he was falling in love with me. He said he didn't want to hurt me. I said "I have to go somewhere and breathe and think about this" and I walked away.

 

I quit that job a few months later. (we worked together) He asked me several times if I would leave my husband. He made promises to me that I wanted so badly to accept. I knew he would love me and I knew that the problems I had with my husband, I would not have with him. I also knew that there would be a different set of obstacles and no relationship is perfect. I thought it all over and I made my choice. I stayed married and haven't been touched or held or kissed like that since.

 

But I made the decision to NOT have an affair. If I had decided to pursue the new relationship I would have divorced my husband first. I debated over these things for several months. My husband knows why I quit that job too.

 

Now, does that sound like I might know what losing yourself in another person feels like? Like I might actually have walked a few steps in someone elses shoes?

 

The feelings happened - we can't control them. The kiss happened - I didn't pull away and slap his face, I fell into it too. But the decision to cheat, to have an affair is something that I did have control over and I made the right decision - not that staying with a spouse is always the right decision - I mean the decision to either exit from the current relationship (in my case marriage) BEFORE embarking on a love affair with someone else.

 

That is what we have control over and there is nothing that will excuse a decision. We make them, we are responsible for them, and we do control out decisions.

 

Just wanted to add: sex without both partners consent and decision to have sex is called rape and is punishable by law. If you are not agreeing to have sex, or you are not in control, then you are being raped.

[Bruno6301]

I am so sorry if I offend anyone here, but I will never see how a sexual encounter is worth the pain, anguish, and embarassment it causes in a family. My husband and I had ex's that cheated and cheated....We have vowed to be "different"....meaning, we will be just with each other. It's insane...all the chances you take just for sex in most cases...AIDS, unplanned pregnancy, dishonesty, lies to the faces of those who trust you and love you...It's sick.

 

Thank GOD there are men out here (and women) who choose the road of fidelity.

 

 

Just speaking what is on my mind....

[aries]

While I was reading some past posts and replies, something struck me that I thought I should write about and explain, at least from my own personal experience.

 

I think some of you believe that affairs are about sex and that is what is driving most of us to having an affair to begin with. In my case that is not true and I am sure in others that is not what drove them to their affairs.

 

In any relationship when you care and are attracted to someone sex is probably going to eventually happen. That is just natural. When I fantasized about being with the other man it was about us being together in a normal day in and day out situation. It was about us being able to go camping, hiking, etc., and doing things together that we both have in common. That is just coming from a woman's point of view. What he was thinking or driving him I do not know I can't read his mind but I would hope it was not all about sex to him. I do realize that he is a man and that is usually what goes through their mind most of the time.

 

I do know that we were both unhappy in our marriages, but we were both in situations where we could not walk away. We both have young children, we did'nt want to hurt our spouses because we both cared about them a lot, and I hate to say it but financially he probably would be ruined(3 children)or it would take a long time to recover. That is just the reality of it. No matter how much you love someone or feel totally complete and whole with, sometimes it is just not worth the pain.

 

I know he is not the type to be with other women. I know I am the only person he has had an affair with. We were both totally green when it came to being in an affair. I know he will never do it again nor I. I feel if this affair was all about sex he would have found someone in the town that he lived in. I live 2hrs away and if it was about us just having sex with someone else we could have both found that in our own towns.

 

I just feel that some of you have this hollywood idea when it comes to affairs. That it is two people full of lust that get together just to get it on and then plan their next rendezvous to get it on again, not having any guilt or remorse about their actions. That is not how it was for me and I don't think that is how it is for most people that get involved in affairs.

 

I think most of us are unhappy in our relationships and realize that we may not be with the person that makes us complete. We all got to this point from decisions that we made in our past and now we are living our lives knowing we are unhappy but our marriages are not so horrible that we can justify getting out of them, especially when there are children involved. It is a "catch 22".

 

I am not trying to condone my actions in the least, but just trying to give some insight on why affairs happen. It was not about sex for me, that was just a small part in the scheme of things.

 

Support always,

Aries

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by aries

While I was reading some past posts and replies, something struck me that I thought I should write about and explain, at least from my own personal experience.

 

I think some of you believe that affairs are about sex and that is what is driving most of us to having an affair to begin with. In my case that is not true and I am sure in others that is not what drove them to their affairs.

 

Some people may think that, but the majority of posters have described an emotional side or relationships that leads to sex, not just sex for sex sake.

 

In any relationship when you care and are attracted to someone sex is probably going to eventually happen. That is just natural.

No it isn't. It's not "going to happen" it is a decision. Sex never "just happens". That is a cop-out.

 

When I fantasized about being with the other man it was about us being together in a normal day in and day out situation. It was about us being able to go camping, hiking, etc., and doing things together that we both have in common. That is just coming from a woman's point of view. What he was thinking or driving him I do not know I can't read his mind but I would hope it was not all about sex to him. I do realize that he is a man and that is usually what goes through their mind most of the time.

That is how most women fantasize - and I'll wager many men too. It's part of the total package. There is a difference between romance and sex and every woman I've talked to fantasizes about romance, about tenderness and sharing and even about arguments and how those play out in our fantasies (we [women] always win! )

 

I do know that we were both unhappy in our marriages, but we were both in situations where we could not walk away.

If you want out of a marriage then you find a responsible way. It doesn't mean that you sneak out at night, never to return, and leave the burden on your spouses shoulders. If you felt you could not leave the marriage - then the DECISION to have an affiair was selfish and a mistake.

 

We both have young children, we did'nt want to hurt our spouses because we both cared about them a lot

,

 

Of all the lame excuses! "didn't want to hurt our spouses" Oh, Come ON! What the devil do you think an affair is going to do to them? If you care, then you do the responsible thing and be honest with them and get out of the marriage before you start the affair. What a wonderful example of honesty and respect and responsibility for the family, to set for your children.

 

and I hate to say it but financially he probably would be ruined(3 children)or it would take a long time to recover.

Boo Hoo. Doesn't he love you enough? Is money more important? I'd hate to have a price on my head. "He loves me fifty thousand a year worth, but not 20 thousand a year worth"

 

That is just the reality of it. No matter how much you love someone or feel totally complete and whole with, sometimes it is just not worth the pain.

That's not "the" reality - that is your choice. If you made a choice to end the affair and stay with your husband then work on making your marriage happy and finding whatever it is you feel is missing. If you can't, is it worth it to be miserable for your childrens sake? They pick up on this stuff and they know.

 

I know he is not the type to be with other women. I know I am the only person he has had an affair with. We were both totally green when it came to being in an affair. I know he will never do it again nor I. I feel if this affair was all about sex he would have found someone in the town that he lived in. I live 2hrs away and if it was about us just having sex with someone else we could have both found that in our own towns.

Sometimes it can be true love. Both yours and his children would probably benefit more from parents who are happy apart from each other, then by parents who are miserable together. And wouldn't it be more fair to let your respective spouses go so they can move on and maybe find someone they can be happy with? Plus, even though I've stated my opinion quite clearly on affairs, I am not trying to degrade anyone -- so, don't you think YOU deserve to be happy too? If you have found that with another man, and he with you, then you should be honest with your spouses and get a divorce. You can work out the financial details, and custody, etc.

 

I think most of us are unhappy in our relationships and realize that we may not be with the person that makes us complete. We all got to this point from decisions that we made in our past and now we are living our lives knowing we are unhappy but our marriages are not so horrible that we can justify getting out of them, especially when there are children involved. It is a "catch 22".

 

This doesn't make sense at all "the marriage is not so horrible that we can justify getting out of..." If there is something lacking in the marriage that would lead one, or both, partners to have affairs, then the problem needs to be addressed and either fixed or get a divorce. There are millions of people with small children who get divorced.

 

I

am not trying to condone my actions in the least, but just trying to give some insight on why affairs happen. It was not about sex for me, that was just a small part in the scheme of things.

Affairs happen because people make a choice. Whatever leads up to that choice doesn't matter -- its still the same choice. I doubt if it would make your spouse feel better about the affair if you told him that sex was just a small part in the scheme of things.

 

I'm not trying to pick just on you, but your post, as honest as you believe it to be, is nothing but fluff trying to disguise a dishonest and disrespectful act (whether emotional or physical) and a shallow justification for breaking a promise.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's not just issues of "morality" we face concerning affairs. The real problem is when one looks to the outside to fill whatever void there is in their relationship rather than fixing the problems "within." There is no remedy for an unhappy relationship which exists outside of the partnership. It only compounds the problems and the ultimate result is that the relationship will end, anyway.

 

Sure, there are lot's of reason's why people stay in unhappy relationships. And many say "it's because of the children." And there's no doubt child support enters into most men's minds, but either way, they'll be paying it eventually when they finally get caught. Adultery, in many states, is still plausible grounds for divorce. If proven, the judge may also award alimony payments to the jilted wife just to add insult to injury.

 

No matter how you look at it; justify it; rationalize it; explain it away...no one will ever make a "wrong" seem like a "right." And while we may sympothize with those who suffer from the reprocussions of their own bad decisions, we would be doing them a great injustice if we encouraged them to continue with thier self-distructive behavior.

 

In my personal life, I consider my real friends those who tell me what I "need" to hear....not just what I want to hear.

[aries]

I really do not understand what you mean when you say I am trying to cover up a dishonest and disrespectful situation with fluff. What is the fluff? Do you really think we would both want to hurt the people around us (spouses,children,family and friends)? We both made choices to get involved at the time and then made the decision to get out before anyone got hurt. I realize what your point is when you say we should have never got involved in the first place. It is an awful secret that we both have to live with. I did'nt want to be a bad example to my children or to hurt my husband. Yes, if they found out it would be terrible, devastating, but hopefully that will never happen. That is why we got out of the affair.

 

I do believe that money is a factor, whether he truly loves me or not. But it is one of the many things that you have to consider in a divorce situation. I was just saying that there are so many factors involved (money being one of those)when deciding if what you are doing is worth it.

 

I would much rather end the affair, us both try to work on our marriages, and if things do not work out individually for ourselves, divorce then be together. I would have much rathered for us to have already been divorced when we met. Those were not the cards that we were dealt. My actions to meet him in the first place was out of selfishness not malice. That first step led to the next, and yes, I made the decisions all the way, but I also made the decision to get out.

 

I do believe that true love is worth it all and for everybody to be happy, but can that happen in situations like this? I do not think so. Someone is going to get hurt and I do not have the guts or will to hurt anybody right now. If my marriage fails I want to know it is because we truly could not make it work, not because of the other man.

 

 

Support always,

Aries