I'm suspicious, the pieces fit

[stillafool]

I think if you seek you shall find. Stop invading her privacy or break up with her. If you have to sneak and peek behind her back you don't need her. If a man had slept with 27 women at age 26 would it seem so bad or is it just because she's a woman?

[AAlike]

Seriously, you are one of the very few people here that can make me sit down and think!

 

well thanks - I love these types of discussions.

 

I've learned that sex rarely means the same thing to both people who engage in it. I believe that a large part of the emotions that come with sex are instinctual. It is designed to build emotional bonds of different types. You have to be very good at compartmentalizing things to dissasociate this.

 

OK yeah, I see what you're getting at here, and yes, I agree about sex being an inherently emotional thing - and that's why I think that there are a lot of people who scoff or are appalled when they hear other people say that sex can be "meaningless".

 

But the fact remains that people, especially but not only younger people, have sex that renders as largely inconsequential. Now, I don't think that is because these young people are good at compartmentalization - in fact, I'd argue that it's because they haven't even yet developed the circuitry to feel those types of feelings or form those emotional bonds. I mean, sometimes sex is just a manifestation of hormones. In fact, I think a lot of the casual sex that is sought out in our society today is sought out for the sole purpose of eliminating the emotional component (with varying degrees of success). Rebound sex is a great example of this.

 

You have been friends for a long time, obviously that shared experience created some kind of bond.

 

Are there any circumstances in which you would consider her as a potential GF? If not, what traits does she lack?

 

sure but I really don't think that our friendship was bolstered by that. in fact, it was a completely akward experience - and it was probably at that moment that we realized that those emotions weren't there for us even though they were trying to manifest themselves, if that makes any sense. when I see her now I don't think of that incident or of her in that way AT ALL - neither of us are the same person even slightly...

 

I believe that because the memory of those feelings remain, for most people its not a poof and they are gone. Instead, they simply lie dormant, while something more engaging has our attention. Perhaps if you search your feelings you will find this to be true, even for you. Remember, affairs can be emotional as well as physical.

 

wow, that's a very interesting way to think! how does anyone ever get over anyone else in that case??!?!

 

Again, I think there's a huge distinction between sex that happened prior to someone's emotional mind being fully developed (commonly referred to as "experimental" sex in this context when it's more a function of hormones and curiosity) and sex that happens afterwards. Look at it this way - I'd say that a good 90% of the incidents where people can't get over the partner's past concerns sex that happened in the late teens or early 20's. and it's usually people's first love with which this happens. there's a reason for that.

 

I do agree that affairs are often emotional - in fact I'd say that MOST of them are emotional - that's because with affairs you're dealing with people that are often looking to rekindle emotions that have been dormant. very different than "I fooled around with three different chicks after fifteen shots at a party" or whatever.

 

Well, if this was simply a diary I would agree with you. However, this seems to be a sex journal only... with unknown purposes. The way he described the information it contained, gave me the brief impression that she was documenting performance. Just my observation though.

 

well, that assumes that he's describing the information neutrally. that we don't know. but again I see your point.

[twice_shy]

Yes, not only should you blame her for her past, you should humiliate her publicly for it too.

 

Are you people serious??

 

Totally serious

 

Just because you have had sex with someone doesn't mean that you need to cut them off completely because you're in a relationship! It only means that you need to cut off any sexual feelings towards them.

 

Being casual, speak when spoken to, friends is one thing. But this girl is emailing a guy she has been intimate with behind her bf's back.

 

You may see nothing wrong with that. My experience tells me this guy needs to run to the hills far away from her as he can.

[Cobra_X30]

well thanks - I love these types of discussions.

OK yeah, I see what you're getting at here, and yes, I agree about sex being an inherently emotional thing - and that's why I think that there are a lot of people who scoff or are appalled when they hear other people say that sex can be "meaningless".

But the fact remains that people, especially but not only younger people, have sex that renders as largely inconsequential. Now, I don't think that is because these young people are good at compartmentalization - in fact, I'd argue that it's because they haven't even yet developed the circuitry to feel those types of feelings or form those emotional bonds. I mean, sometimes sex is just a manifestation of hormones. In fact, I think a lot of the casual sex that is sought out in our society today is sought out for the sole purpose of eliminating the emotional component (with varying degrees of success). Rebound sex is a great example of this.

 

We gain something from sex every time we engage in it. Otherwise we would not do it. Meaningless sex is an idea designed to convey a false image.

 

Also note that there is a control and domination aspect to sex often expressed by males. Other mammals display this instinct as well. This I believe is at the forefront of the issue whether we acknowledge it or not.

 

sure but I really don't think that our friendship was bolstered by that. in fact, it was a completely akward experience - and it was probably at that moment that we realized that those emotions weren't there for us even though they were trying to manifest themselves, if that makes any sense. when I see her now I don't think of that incident or of her in that way AT ALL - neither of us are the same person even slightly...

 

Why? What makes you unable to feel for her?

 

wow, that's a very interesting way to think! how does anyone ever get over anyone else in that case??!?!

Again, I think there's a huge distinction between sex that happened prior to someone's emotional mind being fully developed (commonly referred to as "experimental" sex in this context when it's more a function of hormones and curiosity) and sex that happens afterwards. Look at it this way - I'd say that a good 90% of the incidents where people can't get over the partner's past concerns sex that happened in the late teens or early 20's. and it's usually people's first love with which this happens. there's a reason for that.

I do agree that affairs are often emotional - in fact I'd say that MOST of them are emotional - that's because with affairs you're dealing with people that are often looking to rekindle emotions that have been dormant. very different than "I fooled around with three different chicks after fifteen shots at a party" or whatever.

 

Well, that begs the question. Do we "get over" our relationships? In a very real sense we are defined by our experiences... even if we do not care to repeat them. I tend to think of it in terms of layers. We create our new relationships, and the emotions that come with it, on top of the old.

 

"experimental" sex is rarely simply a mix of hormones and curiosity, it's more often a function of mental and emotional instability.

 

Just my thoughts.

[AAlike]

Being casual, speak when spoken to, friends is one thing. But this girl is emailing a guy she has been intimate with behind her bf's back.

 

You may see nothing wrong with that. My experience tells me this guy needs to run to the hills far away from her as he can.

 

First of all, isn't OP not even sure that this is one of the guys that she's slept with?

 

that to me leads me to believe that the specifics of this situation are being overblown a bit. To me it seemed like you were speaking in more general terms and that she should not be allowed to speak to any guys that she's slept with. that to me is no big deal, you are correct. if she's doing anything devious, then yes, I agree that's bad, but I just don't know if we can be sure of that given the story.

[Spectre]

Why should she be talking to guys she has slept with? There is no need. It doesn't matter whether you think it is right or wrong, 9 times out of 10 it is going to make the boyfriend uncomfortable. I would just feel odd to know my gf is talking online, emailing, or even hanging out with guys she slept with. Even IF that "hanging out" involves several other people, dude should just not be in the picture.

 

If she has slept with sooo many of her friends that if she stops talking to guys she has slept with she will have no guy friends well, she shouldn't of been boning every single friend she had. That isn't her bf's fault. People on this board need to stop acting like the past doesn't shape the person you are.

 

Sleeping with all her friends, keeping sex journals, chick just sounds like bad news.

[carhill]

Well, Sunday has come and gone. Where's the OP?

 

Personally, I think communication is the core issue. I hope they get to it.

[AAlike]

We gain something from sex every time we engage in it. Otherwise we would not do it. Meaningless sex is an idea designed to convey a false image.

 

Well, of course we gain SOMETHING. But that something is oftentimes just temporary pleasure. Is there instant gratification and/or validation often involved? Sure - but I'd say the same for a lot of activities.

 

So while I guess I can agree that "meaningless" isn't entirely accurate, I think we're barking about semantics here. Obviously what I mean by that is sex that does not create a permanent bond. maybe the experience itself remains permanent, especially in the case of more "wild" sex, but the experience can be internalized.

 

Also note that there is a control and domination aspect to sex often expressed by males. Other mammals display this instinct as well. This I believe is at the forefront of the issue whether we acknowledge it or not.

 

this I completely agree with. I think that this is entirely the issue, really. Males ascribe to the commodification of sex more than women do - that's why you see guys often having problems handling the fact that their girlfriends have had casual sexual escapades, even if they've had plenty of their own! That's why there's the notion of women "giving it away" and such. it's all crap though, really - the question is whether this is "hard-wired" in guys as some seem to think or if it's a product of cultural mores and emotions. I would say the latter because it doesn't happen with all guys, and the effects of this seem to decrease with age.

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

 

 

Why? What makes you unable to feel for her?

 

I don't see how this is a question of being "able".

 

Well, that begs the question. Do we "get over" our relationships? In a very real sense we are defined by our experiences... even if we do not care to repeat them. I tend to think of it in terms of layers. We create our new relationships, and the emotions that come with it, on top of the old.

 

Sure, we never erase them, of course not. but I just don't see the permanence of emotions that you seem to imply. people move on from things, and it doesn't mean that those things never existed, but I think that, again, the experience internalizes.

 

"experimental" sex is rarely simply a mix of hormones and curiosity, it's more often a function of mental and emotional instability.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

well, I suppose that you could argue that no one is really emotionally stable at the ages where this typically happens, sure. I almost see "emotionally stable" as an oxymoron anyway, to tell you the truth.

 

Cobra, do you not think that it's possible for two people to just have enjoyable, lust-based casual sex?

[AlwaysTomorrow]

Sounds like men didn't have to work too hard to get her into the sack, including her friends.

[stillafool]

Yeah, she definitely enjoys sex!:bunny:

[NuTuDating]

You need to find out what is going on. Ask her straight up who she is going with. If she refuses to tell you, kick her ass to the curb.

 

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT buy a house with her if you're having trust issues. It will ruin you.