kelina Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 hi all, i really need some help here! been pretty confused and lost for the longest period. i have a really close friend for the past 5years. we were both staying in our university's dorm back then. he'd always come to my room to talk, laugh, hang out and just enjoy each other's company. nothing sexual or intimate just occasional pokings and hittings here and there. however the next year we both had different commitments in school and i was with another guy and we soon drifted apart. just occassional texting here and there. i broke up and was going through the most terrible time of my life and that was when we started being close again. he'd always call me every night to talk and listen to me complain about life. he'd bring me out and insist that i go out because he's feeling down even though i don't feel like going out. (i only realised recently that he was lying that he was feeling down just cause he wanted me to go out and not feel sad alone) soon we were hanging out every day, watching movies, talking to each other over the phone and also going to each other's houses just doing nothing but bumming around and watching tv. sometimes i feel as though we are dating but there was never chemistry of such. at times when we're out he'd put his arms across my shoulders but i'd just convince myself that its merely a friendly gesture. he started asking me for help as he was interested in this girl and i'd enthusiastically help him. once, he bought her a present and to my surprise he actually bought 2 presents and he said one was for me and he told me i could choose which one i'd like to have first. (is that normal between close guy/girl friends? i assumed it is.) however the girl rejected him and told him that the girl he really likes is me and not her and his other friends also supported that argument which i felt was just an excuse to reject him. he was upset and i was the first person he called but he got over it. we graduated and he was supposed to work overseas and we spent alot of time together before he flew and he even gave me a birthday present when my birthday was not even due till a few months later. i was really touched even though it was a small and simple gift. and that's because he told me was supposed to get a gift for another friend's birthday and asked me for advice on what to get and little did i expect it was a gift for me. he always remembered my birthday and take the effort to celebrate it with me despite his busy schedule but this was the first time he didn't celebrate it with me and to be honest i was a little upset until on the actual day i received another gift from him through another friend as he posted it back as a surprise! i really missed his presence. when he was overseas (he still is) he'll always call me once per week and we will exchange alot of emails despite the huge time diff and in all the mails he sent me he'll always start off with "my dear". i never thought much into it but a gd friend chanced upon the email and internet text and she started telling me to think of him in a different light since guys do not use endearing terms un-necessarily. (is she right?) i do not use such terms back on him. throughout this period i realised i've grown more and more reliant on him and i told him that we got to distance ourselves a little bit as we will each have our own siginifcant other in time to come and when the time comes, we won't be able to maintain such a close friendship anymore. he agreed and said we should treasure the time we have with each other now then. he started asking me to go over to visit him and all expenses paid for. however i'm still tied down with some work commitment and hence took a longer time to give him an answer which resulted in him bugging me constantly for an answer which eventually irked me out and i told him i decided not to go over. He started bugging me to reconsider and we had a tiff recently. initially he gave me full support in whatever my decision may be however after i decided to go overseas to advance my career. that was when he started claiming that i do not have the capabilities and that i should stay put (i'll fly off before he gets back). I got really fired up and decided not to talk to him for some time. he told me he'd send me something when he gets his pay but i do not believe he'd. recently, he internet text me to say that he stayed up for the whole night wanting to call me but yet i did not appear online and thus he didn't know whether i was awake or not. i felt that he's very fickle and its making me starting to feel a little weary and tired. all our mutual friends is dissuading me from going overseas and persuading me to go over and to have a good talk to whether our friendship is moving towards another direction. i do not believe he's interested in me but yet i can't be 100% confident. pls kindly advise! i really need help because i do not know how to react to him anymore. to be honest i kinda miss him since i stopped talking to him a few days back. PLEASe helpppp! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 To buy you gifts and stay up all night thinking about you, wanting you to visit him overseas, I'd say he's interested, I'd say I agree with the people who said it's time to discuss where you two want the friendship to go from here. Needless to say you are interested in him, too, so something has to come to the surface. Otherwise you might always wonder, "what if..?"... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 OP, read the second to last sentence of your post. What if two days were two weeks or two months or two years? The main problem I see here is communication. Everyone is dancing around the issue. I can only speak for myself, but I've found, in my life, under such circumstances, full disclosure is an incredibly freeing act. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings and then sit back and listen. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Enough said: both of your feelings are mutual in the sense that he has bottled up feelings for you since way back in the university days, and it has only recently come to light on your part that you, yourself, have developed feelings for him. The problem here is that both of you refuses to open up to each other for the sake of not puttng any type of strain on your friendship. So he's has disguised his affections for you with little gifts and phone calls and emails etc. You, on the other hand, overlooks all his little hints and refuses to acknowledge that anything more could develop past friendship status. SO NOW, the question you're wondering is not whether how you should go about alleviating the tiff you've just had with him, but how to fully communicate across to him about your feelings for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelina Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 but how do i even start talking about this topic? it will be really awkward isn't it? what if he really only regards me as a very close friend. will the discussion strain the friendship? nevertheless, many thanks for ur replies!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 OP, I had a "close friend" who always gave me cards signed "love, x", bought me presents and was always there for me (it was mutual) and even modeled swimsuits for me a few times. I never said anything about any attraction I might have had for her because she always seemed to be quite involved with her BF. Neither of us had been married and I was a virgin at the time. Because neither of us took a risk, the friendship waned over time (about 10 years) and she finally married her boyfriend. I would do things quite differently today. I would've taken the risk and risked the friendship to broach the subject. All I can remember now is how hot she looked in a bikini and what a dolt this "nice guy" was Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelina Posted March 1, 2008 Author Share Posted March 1, 2008 so its better that he starts on this topic first? Link to post Share on other sites
Max Overclock Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 (edited) Y'know, I've spent a lot of time thinking about these types of situations as of late. It never ceases to unimpress me how little men and women have progressed, as far as relationships are concerned. One person has feelings, doesn't know whether the other person feels the same way or not, questions their mutual relationship, holds a flame for each other, goes through the old "does s/he or doesn't s/he" garbage and NOBODY steps up to the plate. So the saga continues, until one day, much too late in the future, somebody finally slips what they truly felt ... and the ole "I never knew you felt that way" stuff ensues! What an utter and complete waste of human potential. When will we drop these socially and culturally instilled battles of will between the sexes ... hmmm ... and ... better yet, would we even want to? Just wondering... Max Edited March 1, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 so its better that he starts on this topic first? It's "better" that one of you does. In my case, my truth is that I would (and have). That experience taught me that lesson and I haven't failed to perform since. Been shot down many times. Nothing wrong with rejection, painful as it is. It makes the discovery of true connection all more joyous. I would admire a woman who took the risk. Haven't met her yet Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelina Posted March 1, 2008 Author Share Posted March 1, 2008 Well, i do not think that I'd have the courage to broach on this subject first but part of me still can't get out of the previous r/s. I still do not have faith and trust in any guy when it comes to a r/s hence i do not think of myself falling for this friend of mine as of now. however he has never said that he likes me before too? so it will be kind of weird if i start asking him about it?? haha.. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) Well, i do not think that I'd have the courage to broach on this subject first but part of me still can't get out of the previous r/s. I still do not have faith and trust in any guy when it comes to a r/s hence i do not think of myself falling for this friend of mine as of now. however he has never said that he likes me before too? so it will be kind of weird if i start asking him about it?? haha.. Here's how I see it: You like him (broach the subject)-> he might or might not reciprocate See how simple? But you're scared to do it, becuase you're still hurt from your previous R. Understandable. But then you're back at the beginning aren't you? Wondering about the subject between you and him.... PS. and you would not question his feelings unless you're questioning yours. But then the other reason might be you're irritated by the way he treats you (sending you presents and whatnot) and the best thing would be to cease contact. But we all know its not the second one. Edited March 2, 2008 by xpaperxcutx Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 OMG, he so likes you. What more proof do you need? It's all pretty obvious. I get the feeling from your post that he likes you more than you like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelina Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 hmm yeah. i don't think i really like him. haha. but i do not think that he really likes me either. he never said he did/do anyway. hmm but in any case many thanks! =) i'll wait till he talks to me first and see how we can go about from there but nonetheless THANKS Link to post Share on other sites
sexyamy Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 he is def. interested girl, Its all up to you now, your move babe, I would stay away from a long distance relationship eventhough you guys are so close Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelina Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 haha he just called me yesterday but we didn't touch on the topic. hmm yes. long distance is also a factor that i'm still thinking through. its either i miss the chance in advancing my career or i miss the chance of further developing our friendship into something deeper. tough choice huh but still thanks for all your comments! really made me think through this whole thing clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
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