Don't Even Know How to Define This

[Miracle777]

Hi, I'm so glad to find this site, I must be finally ready to look at my jealousy and what's been going on with my ex. Hope to find better ways of dealing with things here.

 

I could tell some long stories, but basically I broke up with my ex 3 days ago and it took a hell of a lot of strength, and the words of a very good friend ringing in my head. Basically I had got with my ex for a month and it has cost me a lot in time, energy, money - and the threat of death. He has an extremely bad temper - so do I - yet he has provoked me throughout our relationship, usually over some jealousy issue, and then I hit him and then we struggle and usually I get bruised. In the last week my neck got messed up twice - still messed up - and I took that as a real danger signal.

 

I suppose I have real jealousy issues, but I'd like some validation of what I felt about him. Both of us are very seductive and sexual people, controlling, dominating, and obsessed with each other. Before this last month I hadn't seen him for 6 months, as I'd left him without telling him, in fear of my life. I had a terrible time after leaving him (penniless), but people were pretty impressed that I did it. When I met him again - to get some stuff back from him - my life was just getting going good, money was coming in.

 

Due to his influence I've turned down very good money I couldn't afford to. He sat around my house like a gigolo, offering to pay for nothing, and I let him move in for a couple of weeks because he had a wierd housing problem (psychics told him the ghost in his house had been trying to get him to kill me - the ghost is supposed to be woman who died there extremely violently. It fit my experience with him.) I got rid of him out of my house after two weeks, after several episodes of rage from him after I told him that if he was around he'd have to contribute, and that he had not been respecting boundaries (about things he shouldn't say), which he had said he would do when he was coaxing me to go back with him.

 

I became more clear about habits in the relationship during this month. The first 2 weeks were wonderful - we communicated, he seemed to genuinely care, I began to trust him. Perhaps for the first time. The issue with him has always been of emotional infidelity, like being inappropriate about other women (friendships) or his kid. So the way he broke up our peace was bringing up the subject of his kid, who lives elsewhere and who I hate the thought of. To me it's a constant reminder of who he slept with in the past, and believe you me, he really wants to not think I've slept with no-one in my past. We're both like that, except I've met the ex-wife (nothing to be jealous of directly - pathetic), seen photos, heard go on about exes, seen pathetic texts from an ex trying to get back with him, heard him talking to an ex in a moment of his (self-made) crisis early on. OK some people might think this stuff is OK, but believe you me, he was quite frank with me that he would've killed me for some of this stuff.

 

Conversely, I have sat and looked at magazines with photos of my exes etc (some of them are very famous - even in his industry, which would kill him!), I have a LOT of exes, but he knows nothing about any one of them. The one time he found coat hangers of mine from an expensive hotel he went crazy for 2 days with jealousy and it got violent. He also has a specialty of hitting below the belt when we argue, which I've mentioned. One of the really bad things that happens is I resort to my roots and get ultra nasty and violent when threatened. And he provokes me on purpose then denies it/plays dumb .

 

I'm realising this is a long post, am just wondering another view on some of this stuff, like the jealousy? I think we both think similarly on this stuff, except he didn't respect my choice not to know stuff as I have always respected his - he knows I could mess with his head 24/7 and only once, after extreme provocations, said something that absolutely killed him for days. He is afraid of the things I can say, but somehow alwasy resorts to provoking me.

 

Bottom line, I still adore him (!) and don't want to attract the same in another relationship. I feel if I don't sort this in some way I could attract someone even more dangerous and needy (and ungiving) next time.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks!

Edited March 1, 2008 by Miracle777