Why is it I can't let go

[kalena9488]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131093/?highlight=

Above is the link to my original posts. For some reason after everything me and my 2nd husband have been through I'm having a hard time letting go. I have filed for a divorce and it will be final at the end of this month. But, I really do miss him sometimes. We do still go out to dinner every now and then and when we are together I can see the reasons I finally decided to leave him. But, when we are not together I focus on the things that were good. I've went back and read emails that he and I exchanged from over 5 years ago and we've always had problems of some sort. I just can't seem to stop having contact with him and that is what I need to do. I need someone to talk to about this and you guys came to mind.

[daisygirl]

I can't offer any good advice, but I read your original post, and it sounds like you did the right thing by leaving him. 5 years is a long time to be together, so I can imagine what you're going through right now. I'm sure it will just take time, and I am also sure others will have better advice than me, I just wanted to offer some support. Good luck to you!

[datingmum]

I went back and reread your post. Many people got in the way and slammed what KMT had to say. But is there a possibility that maybe there was some truth in his statements?

 

What did you do in the relationship that caused problems? When you start to really dig down deep into this, you may start to find some answers to your questions.

 

My own journey has been one of self-discovery. When I read what I wrote on here ages ago, I flat out lied by omission about the way I poisoned the relationship, blamed it all on my ex. I so regret that.

 

Keep us posted.

[guessjeans]

I did the same thing you did. I kept my ex near me now for 4 yrs. Neither of us found anyone else, and we did some things as friends and as a family with our, now, 20 yr old son.

 

Then one day, I was hit with a ton of bricks when he announced that he "now has a friend". I found out it was the secretary at his office that he hired a couple of years ago, that had just left her husband. She left her husband one day, and literally, they were sleeping together the next!

 

Its harder now, because during these 4 yrs apart we built a solid friendship, and I fell in love with him again. I never told him how i felt as he moved his elderly parents in with him 3 yrs ago. But i did swear, that if I had continued on with my life, and him, his, that I still felt this way, I would tell him once on his own again.

 

Well, I did! I panicked once he told me about this woman. I really felt he was moving on with someone else because he gave up on me because he felt I didnt love him anymore. He kept telling me that this woman is JUST COMPANIONSHIP.

 

So my advice to you is keep your distance. I should have broke off all ties with him 4 yrs ago, maybe i was meant to have these feelings again..only to lose him a second time?? I dont know what life has in store for me, but it is painful. I have lost my best friend for the past 30 yrs. The man i met when I was 16 yrs old.

 

Dont make the mistake I did. It truly is more painful when you continue contact, then he tells you one day, sorry, but more or less, all contact will now come to an end..i have another friend now thank you very much for the memories.

 

As hard as it is now, it will pay off in the long run. I would have never thought in a million years, I would have fallen back in love with him, but i did, and there is nothing I can do about it, as the feelings arent recepricated. So i move on and know that there is someone else out there for me, that it simply, wasnt meant to be.

[datingmum]

Have you ever considered that perhaps he is telling you he has a 'friend' in order to elicit your true feelings? Perhaps he is courting a relationship with someone in order to push you to action?

 

You see, after all you have been through, sometimes people move on because they feel that nothing is coming from their ex.

 

Have you told him how you feel?

[guessjeans]

Oh yeah. Back in October when he told me about her, and then again in January we spoke briefly about it. He said to me that we fought about stupid things, that he could see himself in a relationship with me again, but he has trust issues. He has alot of insecurities, and low self confidence. I left, and very independent. I think he was threatened by that. He said that he loves his woman like you would anyone you are with, but that "its not like that between them". He also said in october, when he told me about her, that he wants it to work out with her, and they will probably end up moving in together. Go figure!

 

He puts up walls to protect his heart. Everytime I try to get close, he puts up that wall, but I didnt understand until now. I understand much more than I did before. But it took me 4 yrs to "get it"! But perhaps, 4 yrs too late.

 

He said that I sound like I regret leaving, and that maybe I made a mistake, and then he said perhaps he made a mistake too.

 

That was the last time we spoke, and that was over a month ago. I cant keep laying my feelings out and know, he remains with her.

 

We dont talk anymore except when we see each other at my sons DR appts and they are every 6 weeks or so..so I wont see him again now until next month, after not seeing him since mid January.

 

So yep, he knows how i feel and he wants to stay with her, and I respect that. It just wasnt meant to be, and I have accepted that. I can only believe that there is someone else out there for me.

[datingmum]

Well, I'm glad you've done this.

 

But you've known one another a long long long time. Perhaps what he is having with this woman will last, perhaps it won't. Perhaps he will come to find that he was riding high on the power after you hadn't revealed your feelings for so long.

 

Who knows. But I am glad you are trying to move on. wish i could let go so easily.

[guessjeans]

Oh, its not easy, trust me. He is on my mind morning, noon and night. I am heartbroken. I have to keep telling myself its not meant to be, in order to get through all this.

 

It is very hard. I go over things over and over again in my head. I think no contact with him is helping too. The last time we saw each other, i was making a cup of tea in his kitchen, and i was looking for the garbage, and he said here ________(insert g/f name), oh, then insert my name!

 

So not seeing him is much better. I use to get bummed out when i did see him, for a couple of days later. Its like breaking the NC. Or having a smoke after you have gone without it for so long, then its back to the painful couple of days to get back on the road to smoke free!

 

I really believe that if you can go without contact with him, the better. Besides, remember this..."He can not miss you, if you never leave". That is another reason why I remain committed to NC.

 

He also said to me in january, that he still dreams about me. He said he had a dream about me just a couple of days previously, where we were sitting down and talking. Shrugs her shoulders.

[datingmum]

have you started your own thread? i'd be interested to read it...

[guessjeans]

No, i wouldnt even know where to start. I have posted on here a couple of times, but I can tell you is that it was almost like one day someone up there looked down on us and said these two ppl have lost their way, and we did, after 26 yrs together, we did. But it was a hard time for us too.

 

I think i was sent on a journey to begin growing up, being more responsible, more independent, and learn to like myself again. I believe his journey was to look after his parents. I was going to talk to him about dating again, a year after we split. I had bought two bottles of wine, some nice new "under clothing" and i was planning on going over to his house that weekend. I had to decide to buy a house, or see where he and I were going.

 

He then announced that he was taking his parents in. He said to me at the time that he is only doing it because me and our son arent with, otherwise, it wouldnt be fair to us. My father had just died in a home, and it was hardest thing I have ever done. He hated it there, wanted out of it, and I kept thinking how him living with me would affect my life. Something i always regret. I felt life gave me a second chance to do the right thing, so I kept quiet about how I felt.

 

I continued to invite him over every christmas morning with me and our son, I continued to invite him to family functions, I would stop by his house every once in a while, i would call him regularly and ask his opinion on things, we would go to movies together, Id have him over for dinner, etc.

 

I thought for sure he knew how I felt, i didnt have anyone in my life, but he cant read minds. Anyways, if i had told him, that woman he is with now, works with him. What would have happened then?? She is now finally free....would he had left me for her?? It was lifes way of telling me that I wasnt ready yet.

 

I had more to learn, more to discover. And i think the last thing I had to learn was the loss of him to someone else. Life made me fall in love with him about a year ago...i was at his mothers funeral, and it was the way he looked at me, the way he talked to me..everything about that moment, and i knew, right there and then that I was hooked! But i didnt say anything, again, i felt his job was to look after his dad now, and my job was to grow, and learn more about myself. Become more emotionally healthier and happier.

 

So my journey is almost complete. I did the things I wanted to accomplish. I am about to sell my house that I bought 3 yrs ago, and buy another. This is another huge stepping stone for me, in accomplishing a goal i set for myself.

 

My journey ended up bring me back to him. Why? i dont know. Perhaps, one day, I will find out. Why i would feel this all over again, for someone that doesnt feel the same.

 

Everything we experience is meant to make us stronger and teach us something about our selfs, and about others. This is my first major heartache in my life and I am 47 yrs old. Did i mention the woman he is seeing is 10 yrs older than me. She is 58 years old, a smoker, weathered looking i am told. He is a very youthful 51 yr old.

[datingmum]

I honesty do not believe that it is over. Maybe I'm getting your hopes up falsely but listen, it seems as if at every step of the way you've been too frightened or allowed some movement on his part (his mum, etc) stunt your ability to communicate openly and honestly and courageously with him. Now, maybe he is tired of that and thinks that he's found happiness with someone new. But I can guarantee you this, the lesson you should learn from this is that you MUST BE OPEN AND HONEST IMMEDIATELY WITH YOUR FEELINGS!

 

I believe in your journey, it is what I am trying to do myself. Stay focused on that! But know that you will not be out of his life forever. It just isn't possible. Stay happy, cheerful, drop the relationship issue with him, be nice and perhaps when he sees this he may realise that this time you are serious in your resolve. Tell him "I would prefer that we worked toward reconciliation, but I respect your decision. You're a strong willed man and you know yourself, so I wish you the best" NO more. Then step back and see what happens.

[datingmum]

Seriously. So what she's now free? So what that because of that they're now seeing one another? So what?

 

No one can take away the deep and long relationship you have had.

[guessjeans]

So what is, they are together, and probably will be for a very long time. One thing i know about men, is that they will swim oceans and climb mountains for the woman they want!

 

So since its winter here, he isnt swimming any type of water form, and the only mountains we have here right now, is piles and piles of snow!..and I dont see any footprints to my door.

 

Nope, he doesnt want me in his life anymore. He is happy and contend with her. The only way I can see him ever, and thats, a very small if, is if that relationship, once past the honeymoon stage, begins to show signs of there true selves, and they realize they dont have that much in common afterall. Remember, she is still going through a divorce right now. She is only legally separated. I know they work together, and they are with each other almost every night of week too. Since he started seeing her, now albeit, he went 4 yrs without sex, without real companionship, and she, so i'm told, was in a rotten marriage, so she could be in a rebound relationship, and they dont usually last. Once she becomes emotionally healthy again, maybe she might feel that they dont have anything in common. Who knows. I cant dwell on the "ifs" and "maybes"..id drive myself nuts.

 

Maybe one day he'll realize how much he misses me, and perhaps, nobody can compare what we once meant to each other, but I have to move on. And if that day ever comes, how will I feel by then?? Will i have met someone else? Probably..isnt that always the way..ehehehe. He let me go and do my thing, and I found my way back to him. Now it is I that must let him go. And if its meant to be, then he will find his way back to me, and I will still feel the same.