Can you actually be jealous of a chatroom?

[Habibti]

Okay so, I'm pretty certain anyone who understands the dynamic of a long distance relationship must be fully aware it is hard enough being away from that person much less with two conflicting schedules,time zones, etc etc spending time with one another is important. My bf is a very busy man and I usually am also if you might have seen one of my earlier posts I feel neglected recently.

 

I don't know if it's the neglect I felt piling up or what..but here's the deal. So my boyfriend gives me a call tonight, we sit on the phone he watches TV and I bake for tomorrow since he's watching TV anyhow. He tells me he'll call me back in a minute...well a good hour or so passes and I end up going to a chatroom to pass time. To my surprise (I honestly didn't expect to see him there nor was I looking to find him either.) There he was. It had nothing to do with who he was talking too, it had to do with him being there.

 

Don't get me wrong, I want the man to have a life and he DOES, the time we get to spend together is limited and what happened made me feel like he'd rather be in a chatroom than spend time with me. I don't know if it's hormones or stress or what but I felt genuinely bad. Am I just over-reacting?

[Eilonwy]

.... That would certainly tick me off, too. Not the fact that he's in a chat room (perfectly fine), but that he... does something so unproductive instead of calling back. What was his excuse for not calling you back? And was he actually actively talking there, or just passively present (and forgot to leave or so)?

[TMichaels]

I don't know if it's the neglect I felt piling up or what..but here's the deal. So my boyfriend gives me a call tonight, we sit on the phone he watches TV and I bake for tomorrow since he's watching TV anyhow. He tells me he'll call me back in a minute...well a good hour or so passes and I end up going to a chatroom to pass time. To my surprise (I honestly didn't expect to see him there nor was I looking to find him either.) There he was. It had nothing to do with who he was talking too, it had to do with him being there.

 

Don't get me wrong, I want the man to have a life and he DOES, the time we get to spend together is limited and what happened made me feel like he'd rather be in a chatroom than spend time with me. I don't know if it's hormones or stress or what but I felt genuinely bad. Am I just over-reacting?

 

I would say you have every right to feel as though you're a "second class citizen" right now, Habibti. I know I certainly would, anyway.

 

I'm curious though...

 

Did your b/f realize you had entered the chat room? Did he acknowledge you? If he didn't see you there, does he know you saw him there now? What did he say? What explanation did he have for either being there or not calling you back in a timely fashion? Have you talked to him since this happened at all?

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like to me he might have gotten a text or IM from someone when you two were talking on the phone, which is why he said, "I'll call you back in a minute." He then went to the chat room to talk with this person, and before you know it (as happens in chat), time just ticked away.

 

This doesn't necessarily mean whomever he was chatting with was a threat, (it could of just been a guy friend or relative for all you/I know -- or, it could have been the entire room), but it does mean that at least in this instance, chatting to others ranked higher on the foodchain to him than talking with you, and that hurts.

 

If you already have been feeling neglected, maybe there's a connection here. However, maybe if you've been feeling neglected but your b/f is seeing it as you're being "extra needy and clingy," it's also possible that he's been distancing himself from you a bit because he doesn't like it when you are that way.

 

Or, maybe your b/f just has Attention Deficit Disorder! Hard to tell, not knowing the two of you better. But yes, I think you have every right to feel shunned, and at the very least the two of you need to talk about what happened.

 

Good luck!

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 1, 2008 by TMichaels

[compassion42]

I responded to your other post with some questions...but as for this issue with him being in the chatroom instead of calling you back goes-I would say you should go with your gut on this. If it doesn't feel right-it probably isn't.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

It sounds like he's a man! Although a rude thing to do, he probably didn't think it would be a bad thing to do since calling you back is something he can always do but Oh!! My!! talking to someone who might not be in the chat room minutes later... that would be a sin! oh my!

 

Yeah, I would be very upset too. I would probably try the same exact thing on him. When he gets all upset and says something to you... DO NOT lash out at him... just simply explain to him that you didn't mean anything by it and that you didn't think it was a big deal since he did it to you and you didn't get mad at him (even though you did... but he doesn't know that).

 

insa-allah, habibi will understand your point.

[Habibti]

Okay all, This will be lengthy so bear with me. But I need to vent, to share, to get it all out.

 

So,I told him how I felt a few days ago, he assured me that I am not less important to him than that and he didn't call back because he'd just gotten distracted.OK. So, the last few days he's worked a lot and he made an effort to call one night, but for the entire hour he sat there typing away and acknowledged me just barely. Then he never called me yesterday, once again I innocently go in there (it's a site that has only ONE chatroom and we both frequent the message boards) and there he is, and has been for hours. I'm crushed. I know he isn't on there looking for or even talking to other women in any context that he shouldn't, he has male "buds" that he gets together with in there and they shoot the **** about male stuff and joke around with others.If it were his offline friends I wouldn't care, I guess it's just that he'd rather spend time with online people than me that hurts.

 

 

Anyhow, I call him. I'm crying and upset and get a nice big englightenment talk from him. He loves me, more now than in the beggining but he doesn't consider us talking on the phone to be spending time. Spending time is when I am there visiting and we're out doing things together. He's a man and the phone bores him but he puts up with it to make me happy.He's upset that I'm getting possessive of him all the sudden, I guess in a sense I have been but because all ofthe sudden he went from calling me all the time and always wanting to talk (or at least so I THOUGHT) to hardly at all and even so much as type type typing away on his keyboard and saying about 5 words. Yeah, maybe I did get upset about it and think it was odd behavior.

 

 

Anyhow, he told me basically he's not used to spending a lot of time with anyone but he's put a lot of effort into me more than I know, he's been single the past 7 or 8 years, Is the owner of a multi-million dollar business and his time is precious and of the essence. He explained the chatroom with the guys is just a way to de-stress. That when I'm there things will be different but the phone just has him bored. He's not at all bored of me, and he loves to talk to me but at the same time he's the kind of person that would be fine being on the phone for 5-10 minutes a day most of the time. He went on to tell me that he's been distracted and his productivity level at work has gone down greatly because of all the time he spends with me.

 

 

He is not American btw and explained that he isn't a shady guy, he's not the type to leave one girl for another so if I thought that, nothing could be further from the truth. He loves and adores me greatly he just has a really busy schedule and is used to being alone and the whole phone thing is something he just does to make me happy.I told him I wished he'd explained how he felt about everything then I wouldn't of felt so hurt- he said he shouldn't have to explain I should just be able to use my logic to figure it out- I told him if he treats me one way for the past 8 months and then switches out of the blue, my logic tells me something is going on- he insists I should just be able to tell and that he can see my maturity level when it comes to the romance level is still a little high school where as he's much more mature about it and what not.

 

 

Well, I guess he will get what he wants then. I can hardly call him knowing he's bored to tears and just suffering through it for my sake. I guess when he calls,he calls at least I will know it's because he wants to have some time with me vs. when I call him it's a chore. So yeah, that's the latest folks!

[TMichaels]

Ditch him, Habibti.

 

He's a selfish, self-absorbed jerk.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Eilonwy]

Basically agree with TMichaels...

 

Seriously, he's being a real jerk. However, if you don't want to ditch him, you could try switching from phone to instant messager. Yes, it is less personal, but great conversations are still possible, and both can check emails and browse while doing it without the other feeling neglected. He's not doing you a favor with the phone, because he basically ignores you and just makes you suffer more and feel dismissed.

 

And now that I read the last part of your second to last paragraph again (about using your logic)... I have to say again that is a real jerk. Rage! I feel like slapping him. He doesn't deserve you. And it's not possible to have a good LDR with someone who refuses to explain and expects you to read his mind. Being open is very important in such a relationship.

[justpassingthrough]

He is not American btw

 

Can we talk about cultural differences for a minute? Specifically time and on time.

 

(We) Americans tend to value timeliness, almost as if someone's ability to be on time is evidence of their dependability. That is not the same world-over.

 

Here's a stellar example. I work with a guy from Egypt. I had to learn that Egyptian time moves much more slowly than American time and adjust my expectations accordingly. He's a solid guy and he always does what he says he'll do, but never in the timeframe he says he will. The compromise works but I had to budge off of my cultural norms and expectations and accept that he's just built differently.

 

It could be the same with your fella.

 

Just sayin'.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

It is said that Puertorricans have their own clock ticking. They're always late for every event and when a puertorrican bride arrives to the church, she must do so at least 1 1/2 hours late or they almost consider this punctuality to be a bad owmen!

[Habibti]

He isn't a jerk. He isn't a self absorbed jerk either, YES that was a jerky thing of him to do but he is human and he was trying to make the point that we are in love and going to spend our lives together and that if we don't talk everyday because he's busy with business etc that doesn't mean he doesn't love and adore me any less.He wasn't trying to tell me that he doesn't like being on the phone a lot with me because of me, he was trying to be open and say I love you to death but I'm not a phone person- with anyone, I do it because it makes you happy but me I would be okay with just hearing from you once a week. That's what he SAID, now I'm calling his bluff.I don't call him anymore, it isn't so much that I'm trying to play games with the guy- I'm just litterally giving him what he claims to want so he can come to his senses. I will say this- me not calling him- has done WONDERS for our relationship in a sense, I no longer feel like the old rug or not appreciated it, I don't call him or make attempts at communications so when he does call he showers me with kisses and sweet things and he calls EVERY DAY (yeah, he can handle us talking 5-10 minutes once a week my ass Oh you just don't know what you've got until it's gone.) I agree it's entirely asnine that he would propose I would know how he felt about the phone time and etc, and to this day I have never agreed that he was right on that and he knows it, I don't change my stance at all. He isn't ALWAYS like that though, guys.

 

 

I needed a few days to mull things over and decide between what he was really trying to say and what I took it as. He's really a very loving and wonderful man and if he hadn't said what he'd said I'd be unhappier now than I actually am. I'm actually glad in perspective, not that I agree with how he came off- but I know how he MEANT to come off and I do find it extremely funny that all of a sudden after I'm not miss attentive he's on me like white on rice, of course what time we do spend together I am not cold towards him or playing "hard to get" no, we are very affectionate. I don't treat him like I'm looking at other options or he should be threatened about the security or state of our relationship.I was hurt over what he said and a little confused but I had to pull up my boot straps, sift through the rubble and put all offenses aside- forgive him, and try to understand what it was he was TRYING to communicate to me.

 

 

I think I tried to lean a little too much onto him when all that stuff started going downhill in my life. I know he sounds like a pompous arrogant doo-doo head but he really does love me and I know that regardless of his occasional pompeous doo doo heads of a doo doo, we are good together because we are both committed to working things through.It may be sad to say but when something is always there- we do take it for granted and we almost can't help ourselves, but if we put up a certain boundry and it's not always so readily accessible, we learn and realise just how much more we value it. That seems to be what he's doing..the day after what went down we talked a bit and then I had made plans to hang out with a gf and was busy all night..when he did call the next day all he could say was "you have no idea how much I missed you last night, oh I came home and couldn't stop thinking about you and I just realised what a lucky man I am and thank god I met a girl like you" When he says things, he means them .

 

 

Anyway, yeah he really isn't a jerk. He comes off as awfully audacious on occasion but he really is a loving and caring individual, not just towards me but my entire family and his heart is loving towards others, he just gets a little over inflated from time to time but luckily for him he has a very patient and loving girlfriend who is willing to try and be the bigger person when situation calls for it. I think I am more mature about things then he gives me credit for some times .

Edited March 10, 2008 by Habibti
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[TMichaels]

Okay, Habibti. Your life, not ours.

 

Best of luck to you,

TMichaels

[Habibti]

Well it paid off. Turns out sifting through the remnants of what he said and figuring out what he was trying to tell me was the right decision for our relationship. I can't believe how our relationship has revived itself.I'm no longer feeling under-appreciated YAY and everything is going pretty well I just needed to give him space and do things on terms that are comfortable for him.What is good for the goose is good for the gander, as they say.It may have not been the most "happy" conversation when we got into our little spat but we at least let our feelings out to eachother, honestly and I see he even said some things he didn't mean.Either way, I'm amazed at how things improved simply by me listening and taking action. Had I chose to stay angry and upset and push him away- this situation undoubtedly would of gone the wrong way. But I'm very happy with how things have shaped up

 

 

I wanted to share something positive because I noticed there is very little positive said about LDR's on this post. Understandable being that this place is like a venting spot for us to lay out our frustrations but it still doesn't hurt to hear something happy and upbeat either.