I've ended it

[HisLove]

Hi everyone.

 

I ended it with R.

 

I love him to pieces, but I wasn't happy with his treatment of me lately. Nothing I could put my finger on. I'm old enough to know that people treat you how you allow them to.

 

He's just been a bit distant, a little short, and not quite who he used to be. I've asked. I've been patient. He has no answers.

 

So it comes down to me not liking it and calling the game over.

 

If it means anything to him, he'll make the effort. If not, he wont'. Either way I get the answer as to how he really feels.

Edited March 8, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TMichaels]

Hi everyone.

 

I ended it with R.

 

I love him to pieces, but I wasn't happy with his treatment of me lately. Nothing I could put my finger on. I'm old enough to know that people treat you how you allow them to.

 

He's just been a bit distant, a little short, and not quite who he used to be. I've asked. I've been patient. He has no answers.

 

So it comes down to me not liking it and calling the game over.

 

If it means anything to him, he'll make the effort. If not, he wont'. Either way I get the answer as to how he really feels.

 

I am so sorry to hear this HisLove.

 

But, you know how you feel and what you think is right.

 

Hope you will come back and post here, however. Just because you're not in a LDR right at the moment, doesn't mean your experience and perspective isn't valid and helpful to others.

 

Take care and go easy on yourself.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

Edited March 8, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HisLove]

Thank you TM.

 

I have also just learned that an exboyfriend has died and I'm feeling a bit sad about that. That is part of the reason for me calling it off - he got all ****ty because I think he was jealous when I mentioned I had received bad news. His (the exbf) family contacted me and I haven't had anything to do with any of them for the past couple of years.

 

He's been moody and there always seems to be a hint of displeasure in his tone with me - I'm not putting up with that nonsense. If he can't come right out and say whatever is under his skin, he's not mature enough to cope with life.

 

After all I've been through in life, I'm done with headgames and guessing games. If there's a problem I want it named and dealt with.

[Spidr]

I am very sorry for you Hislove. I hope that everything will be ok for you. I wish you my best luck. If you need any support I will make my best for it.

 

Take Care Hislove

[Walking away]

I did the exact same thing, Hislove....

 

If he wants me, he will get his crap together and fight for me. But, I am not settling for less than I am worth.

 

NEVER.

 

Either way....I win.

 

Hang in there....

 

WA

[audrey_1]

I just want to echo what everyone else has said. Take care.

[HisLove]

OK, can I just run a check with you on something?

 

He is obviously jealous but it is something he has put in his own head. How I've spoken about him in my other threads is how I feel about him. I'd be willing to say that none of you would doubt how I feel about him. Nothing for him to be jealous about. Heck he's away and I'm thinking of things to send him for a surprise.

 

So he's gone off half-cocked when I've said I got some bad news, my exbf has died blah blah and I haven't spoken to him for the past 2 years. Ummmm, if he had told me one of his ex's had died I would have said Oh Sorry to hear that honey, are you OK?

 

But he's made it about me talking about my ex and he states he does not care about my ex. Well I care that he died, and I care that he left children behind, and he WAS someone I loved once. That's as far as my feelings go. Not to mention it was the second death I'd learned of that day. It's a lot to process in a day.

 

So is something missing when he doesn't ask how I am, but rather makes a scene about why I'm talking about my ex? Is something missing here?

 

I can't articulate what I'm trying to get across here. I find it odd that his first reaction is jealousy, instead of concern for me.

[Walking away]

He sounds threatened, insecure.

 

And this death may have triggered those emotions.

 

I, too, would respond to him in the same manner that you would should the roles be reversed in this situation, but everyone reacts differently.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this....

 

WA

[Elyssa]

 

So is something missing when he doesn't ask how I am, but rather makes a scene about why I'm talking about my ex? Is something missing here?

 

I can't articulate what I'm trying to get across here. I find it odd that his first reaction is jealousy, instead of concern for me.

 

I would feel the same way. You haven't talked to your exboyfriend for years and the current bf has the audacity of getting jealous... of a dead person?

 

That's his first reaction? He doesn't deserve you.

 

-E

[HisLove]

Well we've communicated a little, and what started out as a pissing match has calmed right down - and he's not responding the way he usually does when he's cranky. He's being very reasonable actually, a much softer tone than in the past. Although the communication isn't all lovey-dovey (I'm still pretty angry with him) - he's very patient and wordy (for him) in his replies. Almost like he's taking care to explain himself rather than be an *******.

 

It's kind of thrown me.

[TMichaels]

Well we've communicated a little, and what started out as a pissing match has calmed right down - and he's not responding the way he usually does when he's cranky. He's being very reasonable actually, a much softer tone than in the past. Although the communication isn't all lovey-dovey (I'm still pretty angry with him) - he's very patient and wordy (for him) in his replies. Almost like he's taking care to explain himself rather than be an *******.

 

It's kind of thrown me.

 

I can understand that, HisLove. It's probably not what you expected. But, it seems to me its a good sign -- as in you b/f may have realized his reaction was a bit absurd and out of line, and now he's trying to make amends. Don't make it too difficult for his to "save face," but on the other hand, don't make it too easy, either. Just take it slow, talk it out, and hopefully you'll both end up on higher ground.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

Yes TM, I won't back him into a corner - I only save that for when I'm beyond reason any more - and it usually destroys everything beyond recognition. That's not how I'm feeling at all.

 

Not sure if he's trying to make amends either. It's just...different. ? He finds it difficult to admit his wrong, and I get that about him now. It's just the way he is and I can work around it.

 

For example, in the past when he's in a bad mood, I'll get one word replies. Is your computer playing up (me asking tactfully)? No. Gone out. <---- That was his grumpy old man impression lol.

 

Now last night instead he says - I was online before and didn't see you. And there are bad storms and lightning here so that's why I went off.

 

When what I was expecting was I'M BUSY.

 

Big difference.

 

I said good morning to him this morning...and he did reply with a full screen of text. Nothing to write home about, but at one time it would have been MORNING. and nothing else.

 

Patience I guess.

[TMichaels]

Yes TM, I won't back him into a corner - I only save that for when I'm beyond reason any more - and it usually destroys everything beyond recognition. That's not how I'm feeling at all.

 

Not sure if he's trying to make amends either. It's just...different. ? He finds it difficult to admit his wrong, and I get that about him now. It's just the way he is and I can work around it.

 

For example, in the past when he's in a bad mood, I'll get one word replies. Is your computer playing up (me asking tactfully)? No. Gone out. <---- That was his grumpy old man impression lol.

 

Now last night instead he says - I was online before and didn't see you. And there are bad storms and lightning here so that's why I went off.

 

When what I was expecting was I'M BUSY.

 

Big difference.

 

I said good morning to him this morning...and he did reply with a full screen of text. Nothing to write home about, but at one time it would have been MORNING. and nothing else.

 

Patience I guess.

 

Sounds like to me that somewhere in the midst of this whole blow-up you may have said something to him about not understanding how he thinks or the reasons for why he reacted the way he did.

 

That may have been a "light bulb" moment for him, and now he's trying to be extra careful to explain EVERYTHING to you in terms of the back story for his any of his deeds/actions.

 

If this indeed is the scenario, what he doesn't get is the fact that what upset you was not so much *how* he thinks, but *what* he thought in the first place.

 

Guys tend to be solution-oriented. Given that, it makes sense if he thought about what happened between the two of you and wanted to "fix it," that he latched on to the *how he thinks* aspect as something he can address and "fix" by explaining the hows/whys/what happeneds that led to the final result.

 

Kinda cute, in a way... as it sounds like to me *he is* trying to not upset you further by making sure you understand the reasons for his behavior/actions.

 

But, the problem is, that's not really what bothered you about his behavior in the first place!

 

Agree with you that not backing him a corner about this is the best approach for the time being. But, you might want to keep your eyes/ears open for clues to why he seemed to be so threatened by an incident that most people would at least have some empathy for...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

He's HOME!! He's home, he's home, he's home. I didn't think he would be back until tonight, but he got the time wrong. He popped up on IM this morning. He chatted to me just about everyday while he was in Italy.

 

I can't work him out.Baby steps. I hate baby steps lol.

 

Especially when it seems more like: three steps forward, two steps back, eh? Men!

 

TM, there are other guys hanging around but there's only one I want.

 

HisLove, now that he's tended to his sister, what's the status of his other family obligations? Is there any way that you two of you might be able to carve out some time to see each other?

 

If not, maybe it's time to dust off the old "Care Package" idea. Since he's been through so much lately, a little "remote" TLC might be appreciated, and just the thing to get him thinking a little more about how nice it would be to have a good thing more consistently in his life...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

Still going well.

 

Today he said he may be coming up this way in 2-3 weeks - not definite, but a definite maybe if other things pan out.

 

He's definitely staying in touch, sending me pics of himself, I even got some cyber flowers the other day.

 

Baby steps.

[TMichaels]

Cyber Flowers -- Woo hoo! -- I'm jealous!

 

Seriously, so glad things *are* progressing, albeit at a snail's pace which I'm sure is making you mental.

 

I'll cross my fingers that "all the stars will align" in 2-3 weeks and that you'll be able to connect. In the meantime, hang in there!

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

Movement is forward. Today we did touch on what upset him....nobody lost their sense of humour. He ended up telling me that I am special to him.

 

I said oh I set off a spark in you. He says no it's fireworks. Probably doesn't sound a lot, but this is huge coming from that particularly proud Italian.

 

I'm happy today.

[TMichaels]

Tortoise and the hare, tortoise and the hair, HisLove...

 

Keep the faith!

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

This loss of data is terrible and I feel awful for the site owners and members.

 

Most of all I'm sorry for your lost posts, TMichaels, because they just make so much sense to me and calm me down when I want to scream and get all self-destructive lol.

[TMichaels]

Awwww, gee, HisLove.

 

Thanks for the compliment, and yes, the data loss at the site is a shame.

 

It is too bad there isn't a provision for posters to automatically be able to save their posts, but most forums don't usually work that way. Well, you can manually cut/paste/save to a Word file or something, but few people would go to that bother, unless they were their own best friend.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

Lordy, TMichaels, send me strength before I strangle him.

 

Things go along well, and then it seems he gets this THING in his head and sabotages it. It's like he's jealous or something. We can be chatting online and then he says he's tired and going to bed - I say I'll probably do that too - kisses, hugs, whatever. I lie on the couch for half an hour and then decide I'm not going to bed so I sign back in. Then I'm being sneaky, omg. Yeah so sneaky that I sign in where he can see me. Mind you, he's not showing as online.......it's like he's lying in wait.

 

And it was innocent. Why would I stand in the spotlight of being online if I was being sneaky lmao. He has his dummy spit and normally I spit right back. This time I didn't though, let him cool down for a week. Which he has magically stretched out to 2 weeks.....that magical doubling of time he's famous for.

 

Aye carumba.

 

[Nevermind]

So, he is invisible, and you are visible? He is there though he said he wouldn't be? Then he gets angry at you for being "sneaky"?

 

[HisLove]

Exactly, Nevermind.

 

His first wife cheated on him, so I wonder if he carries some baggage from that. My exH also cheated on me, but in some ways I think men carry the fallout differently. Throw long distance into the mix.

 

It infuriates me. I adore him. He's Italian, very much a family man and I know there are a lot of cultural aspects there. It's part of what I love about him. He's like a prickly old puffer fish lol. Full of bluster one minute, and obviously insecure at others - like when he sees if I am online or not.

[Nevermind]

Have you ever asked him why he was still online?

[HisLove]

He'll say he was just seeing what I was doing. I don't doubt his integrity EVER, even if I don't understand what motivates some of his weirdness. Well maybe I do understand him better than he understands himself.