Will someone chat with me :( very lonely

[datingmum]

Hi there. Thank you for responding to my post. Perhaps you have not read through the entirety of what I've been saying... I have been posting on my own transformation, my realisation that I have omitted a large part of the story of our relationship in my viewpoint on the relationship up until now. The large part being my overwhelming fear of abandonment stemming from childhood, being a huge pattern throughout my adult relationships which has caused me to demand/push/test/try/spy/snoop/make things up/freak out etc to the point that I have pushed those that I love AWAY from me.

 

He has issues as well, low stress threshold, anxiety issues, the ability to push my abandonment buttons etc, but why continually focus on him? But I will not walk away from this experience with no learning.

 

Had I 'walked' away so quickly before, I would have never truly learned this about myself, merely jumped into the next relationship with the same old issues rearing their ugly heads.

 

What I hope my children take away is the site of a mother who has had ups and downs but never, ever isn't strong enough to face up to her demons, admit them and fight them. You see, the difference between a good parent and a bad parent is not that they both don't make mistakes, one just learns from them. I have done the right thing for me for right now. No contact. All energy on me, the girls. BUT, this relationship has addictive elements for me because of my issues so I've had to treat it as such. The real truth is that the obsessive thinking/need for validation etc will not just go away over night. The 'get over it' you speak of requires much more soul searching and life experience for me.

 

Do you understand?

[datingmum]

Thank you for your response as well. I guess I responded to some of your comments in Sheena's post too.

 

But you raise many interesting points:

 

Revisionist thinking: I know this is the norm for the 'dumpee' but to be honest, even my best friends tell me that I was largely to blame for a big amount of this stuff. My best friend,the one who 'intervened', basically that I am certainly not a victim in this in that I caused sooooo much drama and did not appreciate all of the things he did for me, which she went on to list.

 

Co-dependent book: Yes, I've heard of this before, and I should order it to read this weekend!

 

"I suggest to move on and not even want him back. Even if you do get him back everything will be on his terms you won't be equals in this relationship...He knows your insecurities, and weaknesses, so he may always have this upperhand. "

 

I am suggesting that I move on to a place where it does not matter whether we get back together or not in terms of me being strong enough to cope with either outcome and remain positive and strong, though clearly and with hope, I do wish that at some point in the future we can come together again. Slowly. Very very slowly. Ensuring that every step of the way, i will feel confident and good in that.

 

You see, the phone call I mentioned above was simply that. A call to check in with and communicate briefly with someone with whom I've shared love and great care for. I would no way lead the conversation towards any outcomes, in fact, do not even WANT anything further as I have so much work to do and I WANT to do this on my own.

 

Does this make any sense or do I still sound nuts? I just feel like we can either crumple something up and throw it away and try to forget and do it all over again in something new, or we can stand by and get what we want from this moment.

Edited March 3, 2008 by datingmum

[superfox]

Hi Datingmum,

 

I totally understand what you are saying and it does make sense. One thing I hope is that you are doing everything you are doing for yourself, and not so you can one day be with him which is what I think you have already illustrated.

 

I would strongly suggest that book for you I just read it and it was very helpful. Although your friend says you are to blame also, it doesn't mean you are totally at fault. If I were you I would write down the things you felt you did do wrong just as a learning experience and so you can reflect on it and change the future. Also write down the bad qualities he had along with the good ones and compare. Don't focus too much on your shortcomings, just focus on making yourself whole again. Also if you see a repeat in patterns in your relationships then you can know yourself better and see what it stems from. I would suggest therapy so you can get these thoughts out, and also try to figure out things from your past and how they are getting into your relationships. Like you said you have had some issues with abandonment perhaps they were supressed, or not dealt with this is the perfect time to face these issues.

 

Remember you are number one, no one else, and by believing your number one you will make yourself better. Don't think too much about what you could have done differently, or blame yourself for the failed relationship, I believe some things are meant to be and sometimes things like this is a blessing in disguise. For example maybe you needed this to face these underlying issues like you mentioned also.

 

Superfox

[datingmum]

And I am making this more confusing and sounding contradictory because I am mixing up what different 'friends' did. The one who freaked out on me is 54 years old and never had a successful long term relationship in her life and is very very damaged. the one who reminded me of what I had and how I also worked to f&ck it up massively is my very best friend, who though she is sick of hearing me whine, knows that I need to fix myself before I put everyone through this again either with my ex or in a new relationship.

[datingmum]

thanks superfox. I am in in therapy and I have another session in the morning. My motivations towards improvement began through a desire to reconcile. But they are shifting, as I guess I poorly illustrated above, in that i am realising I have NO CONTROL over the outcome and that I am learning to be strong FOR ME.

[Ssheena]

Yes, I do understand. I also remember your threads from before. Same issue, same discussion.

 

Getting over someone doesn't happen overnight. Even in the next to last posting up there you say, "either with my ex"... That right there is the issue/problem. Your x does not want what you want, your x , if I remember correctly, and I suggest to others that they go read what you wrote about your situation before, doesn't want to be a father to your children.

 

Sorry, I'm being tough but there are two things you can do in a situation like this.

1) accept things as they are. If you choose this option you are not allowed to whine to LS, to your friends to anyone because you have chosen your situation.

2) change them. If you choose this option, you can work through this with your therapist, post here and get feedback, say you are lonely etc because you are changing them. You are learning about yourself etc.

 

This, fellow readers, has been going one since February 2006..... problems/concerns since then and she is still in the same boat. Go back and read her posts. No wonder your friends have had enough.

 

I'm hoping you pick #2.

 

BTW, my money is that he will never change. He doesn't thing anything is "wrong". Hence, you thinking you are to blame.

Edited March 4, 2008 by Ssheena
oh vey

[datingmum]

I do appreciate your input. I'm sorry if i appear to be whining, posting on LS is both cathartic for me, (plus no one has to read/respond unless they want to) and a journal of my experience for others to learn from.

 

As I stated earlier, he HAS said those things in an argument, in the heat of the moment, when pressed and pressured. But then he has always come back and said he didn't mean it, was just under immense stress due to our fighting (alot of which for the last year has stemmed from MY issues).

 

By way of proof, please read this letter he wrote to me beginning of February:

Continuation of Tuesday nights email.

 

Dear *datingmum*,

 

As you know I am feeling pretty tiered of the whole conflict situation and I know you feel the same. Life is too short to spend it arguing, feeling sad, guilty and upset. Better to live your life in peace and enjoy what comes to you day to day. You and I have come to represent tension, sadness and conflict and this has become a real problem that has to change.

 

However, in spite of this, I agree with the nobler sentiments expressed, more often than not by you, and I feel we must know for sure what the right path is. Your suggestion of agreed plans and communication seems like a good one.

 

This is all open for discussion, but hopefully it gets a framework together to start from…

 

Firstly, the continuation of us living like we are now with agreed plans for spending time together, must go on for long enough, unmolested, for us to feel happy, relaxed and above all enjoying life. We do have a lot of bad feeling, tension and anger to work out. We need time to iron out the creases. I suggest a period of time taking us up into the spring or the start of the summer, but really to me it depends on how we feel ongoing and we will know, won’t we, whether it’s working out the way we want it to. If it is then great, if it’s not working to our expectations, I don’t think we should row and create havoc in each others lives, but instead talk openly and honestly about how we feel and try to resolve it in a spirit of understanding. Above all I do not want to get trapped in a cycle of frustration again and I know neither do you.

 

 

 

Secondly, you suggest at the end of that period we look at how things have gone and how we feel and make the next logical step, which is moving in together. I agree with your idea of keeping your house for a period of time to be sure and see what happens. After that you could sell or rent it out to make us rich! If all went to plan this would mean the moving would happen in spring/ start of summer and then we could take the summer to enjoy life and look at the situation with your house towards the end of the summer?

 

 

 

Thirdly, we’d then rent out your house, or put it up for sale and look at how best to manage the mortgages…one, two, joint names or not? I think it’s then a question of how things are going. If we’ve got to the point where we are moving in and committing to one house only, then the marriage commitment would come pretty soon after that, because presumably in order to find ourselves in that situation then we would be feeling good and getting along well. I’d want 10-12months from getting engaged before the actual date to plan and get used to the idea!

 

 

 

There’s a lot of assumption in here and it takes us a long way forward emotionally, but it looks at the key points. It feels weird to write something like that because it takes us forward so much, but I agree it helps to have some clarity around what each others thoughts are.

 

 

 

I’m leaving work now to go to the gym, then I’m going home to crash and eat. We could call later, email or leave it for the morning, I don’t mind, whatever you think is best?

 

 

 

xxx

[datingmum]

And also this:

 

Dearest *datingmum*,

 

I agree with much of what you have said and I appreciate that you recognise your part in getting things wrong sometimes. I know that I am to blame in many ways and that I have a lot to learn about life, humanity, friendships, love and companionship.

 

However, I do feel that I have changed and evolved significantly in the past two years and that you played the lead role in making me think about my mindset, my upbringing and my preconceptions in ways which had not previously occurred to me. This has helped me to see that many of the negative ideas about commitment, children and other things were simply not logical or useful. You are the only person who has ever understood and addressed head on my weaknesses and then supported me and loved me in spite of them. You are also the first person I have ever met who has been intelligent, confident and wise enough to offer practical support and inspire me with confidence on a practical basis. It’s very nice not to have to lead alone, but perhaps I neglected your need to be taken care of in the process?

 

I don’t suppose that my thoughts written here are entirely accurate and I’m sure they represent only a slice of the true picture, just as I believe your interpretations take only one perspective. I am not pushing these ideas forward as a case to argue, or as an alternative view for us to debate. These are merely my thoughts and a document of the feelings as I remember them occurring at the time. There is no right or wrong, black or white, when it comes to human emotion, feelings recede to unpredictable corners of the mind at the most inappropriate of times. This does not make us right or wrong, but rather the product of our experiences, which takes time to understand, but you know this already, you taught it to me…

 

Kids,

I agree with the statement in your letter. It is true that when we first met I was challenged by the concept of taking on children. It’s also true that children do take away freedom to party, holiday etc… but, I do also know that this has to be balanced against the greater rewards of our relationship and family, the kids included. I had struggled with letting go of these preconceptions until we split last year. While I was away in Valencia and after when I returned I thought a lot about the true value of life and I decided that our love for each other would allow us to live a fulfilling life whatever our circumstances and that many of my ideas about the kids ‘limiting’ freedom were exaggerated or simply not true. It’s the person inside and the intelligence and wisdom exercised in the relationship that’s important, so…

 

Rowing

I agree that I need to continue to develop my skills to manage stress and to understand how to deal and interact with others, understanding their emotions and motivations. You have done a lot to help me be more effective at actively managing my life, but there is still a lot to do.

 

However, I feel that you have not put past issues behind you and that when you bring up the past it feels doomed, like there is no way to ever escape the cycle. This feels for me like signing up to the cycle of negative behaviour I saw my parents live for 10 years or more and I do not want us to be a part of that. I believe at times that your old jealousy and prejudices create space for my issues to come back in and I start to feel, in my head, trapped, controlled, watched. The more I feel like this the more I behave in a way which you interpret as distant and it becomes a cycle (stop looking at girls, I feel sad for no reason, why are you hiring a female account director etc.).

 

At the same time as all this is happening I am really stepping up the pressure at work, which is taking a most of my energy and mental space. You also lost your job and had lots of time to sit around thinking too much.

 

Life on my own

It got to the point of mental exhaustion for me…working hard at work, coming home to family challenges, and then fighting as well. I started thinking…I can have any kind of life I want and so can *datingmum*, do either of us need to do this, and I felt confused and angry that you didn’t see or say the same thing so that we could either address it or decide for both our benefits to move on.

 

 

As I sit here now I hurt at the loss of you. I want to be with you, to hold you and to make love to you. I lament the life we are loosing and the future times as a family that we may loose. But, I have stopped short of coming back to you each time we have spoken because I do not want us to come to this place again, it’s not right for you, me or the children. I resent you boiling it all down to me making a decision about whether or not I want you and the kids…of course I do!!! But it will not work if we go the same way as the last 6 months. I wanted to think about what needs to change in me, but I also wanted you to do the same and for us to be able to talk about these things and decide together what’s best for all of us.

 

I know I have a curious urge to voice my fears and doubts in a way that exposes you to uncertainty. I think many of the doubts I have had are normal, but I must learn to deal with them in my own way. I think this trait is about wanting everything to be perfect and I feel in an illogical way that by voicing fears and exposing them to the world, they are neutralized by sharing, or they become someone else’s problem.

 

Now what? Could we meet and discuss a way forward? I know that you want to draw a line and that you may have gone too far away from the relationship now to risk turning back. But, if we are to move forward in a lasting and enduring way I believe we must talk and agree practical changes to our lives, thought patterns and ways of dealing with each other that address the areas I’ve listed (I’m sure there are others). I do not believe it’s as simple as ‘*he* decides to love me and wants to live as a family and everything will be ok’, and I won’t expose you, the kids or myself to another round of rows and separation 6 or 12 months down the line if we cannot action changes in our everyday lives to make the experience better on a daily basis (after all this is where life exists for the most part).

 

I think we must think about:

 

How to leave the past in the past

How to manage stress

How to get ‘me’ time

How to communicate worries, concerns, doubts, bad feelings in an effective way

How to be happy with what you have, accepting limitations and celebrating beauty

[Ssheena]

Maybe if he is willing to go to therapy, both on his own and with you and you are willing to do the same, you all can work this out. Personally, he has more issues than you do and seems to be doing a lot of talk, talk, talk and no action.

 

I do wish you the best and think you are on the right path as hard as it is right now. Sometimes things are worth fighting for and sometimes they aren't and that is up to you to decide.

[datingmum]

I appreciate your ongoing support and reading through all of that. I pray that it does help someone else. Those those letters span a distance of time, every word still rings true.

 

I had therapy today. My therapist pointed out that she feels the same as you, he does have more issues than me, but that fundamentally, my issues bring up/exacerbate his and vice versa. BUT, and it's a BIG BUT, I can only work on my stuff. Perhaps by being a loving/calm/centred individual, it may motivate him to change. Perhaps he NEVER will. My own mother was too scared and never faced it. Either way, I am doing what I need to do to get myself whole again.

I finally worked up the courage/felt strong enough to check in with him. He is suffering, as expected, asked about kids. I was light but did manage to deliver the message I rehearsed with my therapist at his prompting:

 

I am growing and changing and I have finally turned around to face the issues that have taken over my life and begun to rule them. I realise how I have such holes in my own self that no one call fill or fix but me and that is my goal. My duty first is to myself and then my children. I think you are a wonderful man, would make a fabulous father, are a leader, sexy intelligent etc, all the things I want in my life. What I do not want in my life is someone who rages, wobbles, turns back on their decisions, lashes out and hurts me and my children.

 

 

(He did mention in the conversation that he resented that my girls only remember his aggressiveness towards me (sometimes though, I did push the hell out of him emotionally but in a normal voice), that i pushed the relationship and wanted my goals guaranteed and codified from him (moving in, marriage) etc hence the above letter he wrote. But I said that I fully accept responsibility for my previous actions and that I am trying to completely rebuild myself from the ground up. I also said that I know what I want however in life and that is how I will choose to live.)

 

 

I know that underneath all of your lashing out and rage and pain, that you love me very much and i want things to work with us. I can only work on myself however and it is your choice whether or not this can be."

 

I didn't press him for any sort of response or direction. He did not respond specifically except to proceed above speech by saying he was resentful that the children were hurting because of 'my issues' but he knew that it probably wasn't that simple, that he has issues to.

 

I went on to say that I will only speak to him in a calm manner from now on and if that any conversations occur that do not fit this, I will leave/hang up, get away from the situation.

 

We ended the call because he arrived at his destination. He said that he was going to try and take some time off of work because his time on his own has also been making him think and that the deep stress and issues felt like they were working their way out of him and coming to the surface and that he needed time away from work to deal with this. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HOPE THAT THIS HAPPENS FOR ME!

 

I don't know if I should now drop contact completely for a while or if I should practice limited contact. My therapist seems to believe that I will lead by example and if I get strong enough, nothing in this relationship or any other will ever have the devastating impact which has occurred in my family. I will leave him on his own and not contact him until he contacts me...but perhaps I should tell him that maybe we shouldn't speak for x number of days/weeks In order that he truly have the space he needs and time?

 

What think you all?

[datingmum]

The first letter from him above was 1st week of feb whereupon after numerous arguments in which he said "I don't want this" then went back on it, I asked him to write his plans down... he has said now he 'resents' this type of thing...well.........

 

The second letter is from when he first left our home. When i agreed to these conditions, what he said, tried to get to actually making plans, that is when the whole vicious push/pull dance started again.

 

My jealousy/insecurity and abandonment stuff has played a massive role throughout however and crept up on us in so many ways.

 

I don't know how this will end, but I hope this helps someone who is in a addictive/toxic relationship cycle with someone they really love and that really loves them. I hope that anyone searching for information on abandonment fears or commitment issues or commitment phobia will be able to read this one day and see first hand blow by blow what happens.

[Kasan]

datingmum--

 

I remember you well from last October. You were wrestling with the same problems and disappointments with your SO back then.

 

I am really sorry to see that you are in so much pain. Have you had the chance to go back and read your postings from last October?

 

The reason I suggest this is, life is so very short, and to spend your life trying to mould yourself into his "ideal" of the perfect partner is just wrong.

 

You have two wonderful daughters, and my dear, you are perfect just the way you are. Someone is out there waiting for you to walk into his life. He will cherish and love you, just the way you are.

[Ssheena]

Good job today! It sounds like your therapist and you are facing some big stuff.

 

He resents this kind of thing because it is causing him to take responsibility for himself and stop blaming stuff on you. You are refusing (or should be) to take the blame as you are not to blame. From him you always get, it's your fault or you did this or you did that .. He resents <blah> well, what happens if you turn it around and YOU start resenting his behavior??? I sure would.

 

I agree 100% with what Kasan wrote. It's really him that has the issues not you.

 

Write things down in a journal or here. Step back and try and really look at how he is. If this was one of your daughters and this was her relationship with a bf, what would you tell her???

[datingmum]

I remember you too!

 

You know, I've spent the last week re-reading my old posts. I guess that's what I was trying to say above in this post - I sort of painted the picture from my point of view and blurred out the bad jealousy/irrational raging bit on my part. but the therapist said that they were bound to come up given his issues and what has happened.

 

I think what I am saying is this: THIS TIME I am not trying to mould myself into ANYTHING for him. I am not his saviour, nursemaid, or his friend. I am a potential lifelong partner if he so chooses to have this happen and I so choose this to happen.

 

In order for this to happen:

 

1. I continue to work on myself and FIRMLY establish my pace, my comfort zone, basically TRUST MY FEELINGS about what is happening, remain calm and do not get sucked into the dance AND try to

2. He will have to work on his issues. ALONE (i.e. without me chiming in) or with a therapist. over time. PROVE to me so that I feel his change/commitment/different behaviour in every single cell of my body.

 

It's interesting. It has taken things getting to this point. To where I have a huge support network of (albeit tired of hearing it) loyal friends (including an ex-husband) who are watching my back, and ensuring that if I slip and let it get out of proportion again and begin to let this overshadow my wellbeing and my daughter's wellbeing, I WILL HAVE TO RECKON.

 

So, I am really doing the best I can right now. My house needs a good clean, I need to work!!!, I need to get some shopping in, I need to help my daughters with their homework and sleep. I need to spend my time reading about my stuff instead of snooping on him, I need to pamper myself and go to the gym. If ANYONE stands in the way of this, I will be strong enough to say "hang on, I'm not having this."

 

Thanks for your kind words.

[datingmum]

of not being able to escape this horrid pit of desperation/terror/longing and fear in me that has prevented me from living my life properly. Even though some of these feelings are justified in our case, some were not. They are old baggage I carry around. Not everyone wants to commit suicide or goes off teh rails and freaks out and drops the ball with their work/kids/family/friends, needs to get medication to cope with the rolling waves of anxiety.

 

Only those that have deeper underlying issues. And that is me. So THAT is what I have to address. It is my responsibility to my girls to fix this so that they do not repeat the same patterns.

 

I cannot change him at all. HE HAS MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR issues himself. He KNOWS this. He freely admits it. As my therapist said, however, he may NEVER face them. But so long as I ensure that I am supported (in a therapeutic sense) and taking care of myself and my charge, I will be able to have healthy boundaries and not allow these sorts of things to spiral again.

 

Also, I know life is short. But I am not so naive as to think that I will walk into something that is 'just perfect' and there will be some guy there who will be ever so supportive when I fly off the handle, revealing I spied on his email for no good reason and made up a bunch of bulls*t because there happen to be females (*!*) in his office, or that he was in a meeting or got off the phone real quick or looked at me 'wrong' in morning.

 

If that was the case, why are the same faces on this board? No one wants to marry a psycho. I believe we are brought to certain situations time and time again to learn until we are healed. If he does heal himself, why would I not want that - a true and deep understanding built upon real bonding and humanity.

 

I know everyone's heard of a fairytale come true meeting where two people are just 100% perfect and wonderful and everything falls into line beautifully, but I personally have never known a single person that this has happened to(besides an over 50 new couple I know - wisdom and age playing a huge part here). What I know are beautiful patchwork quilts of stories spanning decades where two people learn, hurt, share, grow and create together. If I hold myself accountable, watch my own backyard a little more, and he chooses to get the help he needs, who am I to walk away from one of the (and believe me I know I've been looking) most sexy, intelligent, powerful, sensitive, gay-on-paper (), dinner cooking, generous, better at cleaning than me, charming men I have ever known. Too bad about all this sh*t though!

 

Any answers on what/how I should proceed from here with the contact thing?

[Kasan]

Only those that have deeper underlying issues.  And that is me.  So THAT is what I have to address. It is my responsibility to my girls to fix this so that they do not repeat the same patterns.

Very wise indeed, as they will learn from your example.

 

 Also, I know life is short. But I am not so naive as to think that I will walk into something that is 'just perfect' and there will be some guy there who will be ever so supportive when I fly off the handle, revealing I spied on his email for no good reason and made up a bunch of bulls*t because there happen to be females (*!*) in his office, or that he was in a meeting or got off the phone real quick or looked at me 'wrong' in morning.  

You are not unique in this behavior, we are all guilty as charged. But why do you feel the need to check up on him? Are there trust issues here?

 

 If that was the case, why are the same faces on this board? No one wants to marry a psycho.  I believe we are brought to certain situations time and time again to learn until we are healed.  If he does heal himself, why would I not want that - a true and deep understanding built upon real bonding and humanity.

But herein is the rub--what if he can't heal is issues? How long do you wait?

 

 I know everyone's heard of a fairytale come true meeting where two people are just 100% perfect and wonderful and everything falls into line beautifully, but I personally have never known a single person that this has happened to(besides an over 50 new couple I know - wisdom and age playing a huge part here).  What I know are beautiful patchwork quilts of stories spanning decades where two people learn, hurt, share, grow and create together.  If I hold myself accountable, watch my own backyard a little more, and he chooses to get the help he needs, who am I to walk away from one of the (and believe me I know I've been looking) most sexy, intelligent, powerful, sensitive, gay-on-paper (), dinner cooking, generous, better at cleaning than me, charming men I have ever known. Too bad about all this sh*t though! 

datingmum--it just shouldn't be this hard. There are so many issues for the both of you to overcome. And as you have stated in many of your earlier posts, this has been going on for two years.

 

What is the payoff you are receiving in this relationship? datingmum, only you know how far you will go to make this relationship work, and I sense that your head knows the answer but your heart is not following along.

 

There are so many red flags that have been raised about this relationship--have you determined what the final straw (deal breaker) would be in this relationship?

 

 Any answers on what/how I should proceed from here with the contact thing?

Why don't you give it some time without contacting him--clean your house, do something nice for yourself and your girls.

[datingmum]

Well:

 

checking up on him: i have trust issues with men generally - whole fallout from my childhood. in fact, i didn't trust anyone to truly love and care for me. trust issues are there, yes, but i build up this raging crazy reaction to things at times which has caused him to avoid/white lie over certain issues. I'd set him up by spying. "oh, so can you come to this or that on this date with the children" knowing full well that he's scheduled a business trip away and watch him squirm and say "ill check my calendar, but i'd love to" then watch him rearrange business trips to accomodate me. SEriously, this man is the most unlikely cheat. I am considered by most of my friends to be very attractive smart clever etc and i am the life of the party, but another pretty girl near my man and I just completely lose it - all confidence, self-esteem, even reality! Then, I set him up or catch him in a white lie - and then we're off to the races again.

 

the payoff:

That is a two fold answer. The self-destructive payoff has been the 'proof' that I'm unloveable and worthy of abandonment. The real payoff is all of the things i listed earlier. If I could have that man 85% of the time, my life would be utter bliss. Problem is, I just wouldn't walk away hwen it wasn't that way! I just couldn't do it again because of my self-esteem issues. So I really cemented alot of bad patterning in this.

 

waiting:

hey, I'm not waiting! I have a few coffee dates set up! I've met some really great guys over the last few years. My heart's not in it, but hey! you never know what's around the corner. But I'm getting out there now, if for nothing other than a distraction from wanting to find out/control him and his stuff.

 

I suppose i will still post, speak to him, wonder until my heart and head are in conjunction...

 

 

Thanks for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!

[datingmum]

Hello.

 

I just wanted to say that my ex sent me a small txt yesterday evening saying to watch a programme on my home town. I texted back later just to say "Cool thanks".

 

He is tentatively reaching out. He is totally lost and said he needed to take time off work for a bit to let all of this stuff process through him. Bad headaches, extreme stress, said it felt like a deep bruise coming to the surface.

 

I'm totally calm now about leaving him alone with his stuff. Such a crazy shift from where I was when I started this forum. Don't get me wrong, the thoughts of our relationship fill my every waking moment almost still. But the "oh my god I will chew my leg off to get out of this pain" feeling has receded.

 

I think that the space will allow him to really feel it and hopefully, the pain may prove enough to make him want to change - as this happened to me. I have a big head start on sorting out my headspace and I know he's struggling to understand and he's open to examination from past experiences (therapy, journalling, etc), so I sent him the articles I posted in the Breakup forum about Abandonment/Engulfment. Last time we touched on these issues, he ran like hell. I stated that in my email prelude. But I said I accept your life decisions and hope that this may help you now or in the future. My therapist said he might never sort things and that it may prove altogether too scary for him to face at this point. What a shame if that turns out to be the case. But we'll see.

 

In the meantime:

 

I'm still reading/processing myself. My friend gave me an old book called "How to Be Your Own Best Friend" so I'll give that a peruse next.

 

I'm going to sleep alot this weekend as girls are away at dads. Plus potter around my house, cleaning, laundry, painting some old furniture, general fixing up stuff.

 

Also, I have a coffee date with what seems to be a really cool guy and have renewed some other male friendships. (Hey, anything to break my cycle up of wanting him him him him) The only thing I worry about is that I don't want to just open myself up to running headlong into another escape from my issues. I really want to stay right here for a while and feel/understand this. Do you think a coffee date is a bad idea in this situation???

[mysocalledlife]

I think a coffee date could be good, as it might help shift your focus and help you think more about possibilities. However, as you seem to recognize, you will need to be careful not to simply jump into a new situation as an escape from the current situation.

 

Balance is difficult to achieve, let alone maintain, in almost all aspects of life, especially in relationships. So take things slow and make sure to take time for yourself.

[Ssheena]

Great progress report DatingMum!

 

Of course it's going to hurt and you are going to have lots of emotions and feelings coming up. One step at a time. Rediscover you again.

[datingmum]

This is dumb and weird to be admitting, but I'm now starting to get angry.

 

I'm angry that he hasn't responded to the article. It was alot of stuff to take in. It's been taken down from the boards now due to copyright stuff, but if anyone wants to know about Abandonment/Engulfment toxic cycles and how to break them, let me know.

 

I'm angry at myself for 'helping' him. I love him. I sent him the articles hoping it would help speed the process, or at least point him in the right direction. BUT WHAT A TWAT i AM. I can't believe that I did that now.

 

It is so strange to document this feeling by feeling. I know you people are like "who gives a f*ck?" but it's helping me at least just to talk.

[datingmum]

It was so weird. I was sitting here posting about how i felt angry suddenly, felt embarrassed I had reached out to him and sent him those articles about Abandonment/Engulfment with no reply, mad at myself, mad at the world.

 

Then I got this text:

 

Read the first doc you sent. It makes a lot of sense. There is a lot to think about. Just wanted you to know what I thought. Hope everything is ok.

 

Hmm. Ok. Great! I know it's going to take more time, I've had days upon days at home to think about this, look at it, plus I'm not new to 'therapy speak' or examining deeper fundamental issues. He is a virgin practically, but very keen and open. Yet, HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ok, verbal pillow punching. sorry. thought it would be most accurate to record all of my feelings.

Edited March 6, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator