daisygirl Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Hey everyone. If anyone is interested, this is the post that shares the current problems in my marriage: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t145326/ But I have a question for those of you with experience in MC. H and I are starting MC on March 10 (I just started IC as well). My H is very negative about the success of the MC, I think he seems to think that if we can't fix our own marriage, he doesn't understand how a counselor will help us. I have to admit, I'm not too optimistic about it either. I feel like we both want to other to change too much and neither of us is willing to change. We have a 2-year-old son, and I feel like we owe it to him, as well as to us as a family to at least TRY counselling. My question: Has anyone had success with MC if one or both spouse(s) were unwilling or pessimistic about it? I feel like at least we're both willing to go, that's a start, right? But part of me feels like we've both just given up. Any thoughts?? Thanks so much Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Daisy even if you have both given up, MC can still be helpful in working out whether to carry on with the M or abandon it, and if the decision is to end it, MC can help to do that in the most civil and constructive way possible. That you're both willing to go is half the battle - a good MC will be able to work with that, even if you're both feeling ambivalent at best. Good luck - I hope it helps you find the solutions you want. Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 I think alot of times, people go into MC thinking the counselor will fix/solve their problems, and that is not so. A counselor is there for guidence and support, to offer suggestions and just to have someone who will listen. The real work will have to come from you and your husband. So as long as he doesn't enter into it thinking the counselor will solve things, then he might be ok, but he has to be willing to want to work and put forth effort too. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 IME if one partner is resistant to MC then it will likely not work. Eventually the resistant one will stand up and say "This is bullsh*t" (or something to that effect) and they'll most likely take active steps to sabotage or stop the counselling process. It happened to me (I was the resistant one and walked out of a session, never to return) and it happened to a couple who I am friends with (the guy was resistant in this case, and he manipulated the situation to the point where it became impossible to make any forward progress). Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 Interestingly (and I've participated in the OP's other thread), I was initially reluctant to start MC and my wife was more the impetus. Now, six months in, I'm more "into it" and my wife has become more reluctant, at least by her actions and statements. I will hypothesize: I had a "good" childhood (my wife's words) compared to her "raised by wolves" childhood. I was single until I married her at 41. She was married twice, starting at age 21 (IIRC). I have a psychology of analysis and introspection. My wife is more outgoing and social. I have a very sensitive nervous system; my wife is nearly exactly opposite. I believe the above has contributed to the juxtaposition of our feelings about therapy during the process. I'm really seeing a lot of positives and am open to viewing my "warts" from a lifetime of being single. My wife OTOH, is having to open up some of her wounds from her childhood and prior marriages and examine their relevance to our relationship. This is painful and emotional and she tends to detach from emotional situations. That characteristic is a major issue in our MC and our marriage, because emotional attachment and intimacy are exactly what I thrive upon. Interesting psychology, eh? Trust me; give MC a chance and keep an open mind. Do not look to your husband for guidance and/or support. Do it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisygirl Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 Thanks for the replies so far everyone! Looks like I'll just have to be patient...something I'm not very good at. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisygirl Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 I have a very sensitive nervous system; my wife is nearly exactly opposite. I believe the above has contributed to the juxtaposition of our feelings about therapy during the process. I'm really seeing a lot of positives and am open to viewing my "warts" from a lifetime of being single. My wife OTOH, is having to open up some of her wounds from her childhood and prior marriages and examine their relevance to our relationship. This is painful and emotional and she tends to detach from emotional situations. That characteristic is a major issue in our MC and our marriage, because emotional attachment and intimacy are exactly what I thrive upon. Interesting psychology, eh? That's VERY interesting, but it makes total sense - at least to me it does. another question for you, Carhill - How do you know if one has a sensitive nervous system? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm Remember, this has nothing to do with "sensitivity" as in commonly used in interpersonal relationships, rather how one's nervous system and thought processes respond to their environment. Annecdotally, I scored 19 and my wife scored 4. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisygirl Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm Remember, this has nothing to do with "sensitivity" as in commonly used in interpersonal relationships, rather how one's nervous system and thought processes respond to their environment. Annecdotally, I scored 19 and my wife scored 4. Thanks for that! I got a 12. Link to post Share on other sites
openingup Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 Hi dg, Both my sister and best friend went the MC route. Both did it because they were afraid they would be scorned by family and friends for "not trying" if they didn't. It was a huge waste of money, time and energy. Both divorced and are much happier now that they are out of their dysfunctional and stressful marriages. Frankly, if you need a total stranger to run interference in your relationship, it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisygirl Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 Hi dg, Both my sister and best friend went the MC route. Both did it because they were afraid they would be scorned by family and friends for "not trying" if they didn't. It was a huge waste of money, time and energy. Both divorced and are much happier now that they are out of their dysfunctional and stressful marriages. Frankly, if you need a total stranger to run interference in your relationship, it's over. Hey, thanks for the honesty! I know what you mean about doing it for fear of being scorned - I kind of feel the same way. I am hoping, however, that it will help us both see what we really want out of this relationship, since we both seem to be confused at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 Though I might feel closer to divorce now than when starting MC, I also feel that it is, if it happens, for the "right" reasons and from the proper mindset, rather than being a product of the chaos which existed prior. Of course, YMMV. Personally, regardless of the outcome, I consider the money and time well-spent Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisygirl Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 Though I might feel closer to divorce now than when starting MC, I also feel that it is, if it happens, for the "right" reasons and from the proper mindset, rather than being a product of the chaos which existed prior. Of course, YMMV. Personally, regardless of the outcome, I consider the money and time well-spent You're right, Carhill. I am trying to keep an open mind and realize that MC will be for the best, no matter the outcome. Even if my H and I do divorce, I am hoping that I will have learned something from all of this to help me have a healthy relationship one day, and more importantly, to learn more about myself. Only time will tell.... Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 Some of your situation reminds me of mine, daisygirl. I'm having marital problems, my H is also religious and conservative (Catholic) and he has declined MC at this time. I think he feels that our situation is not about communication or the lack of it, but about real issues that can't be resolved because they arise from deep-seated values differences. Link to post Share on other sites
tommyr Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 A good MC has years of experience dealing with the most common issues that cause marital problems. Many couples are just not very skilled at talking about difficult topics - one or both go straight to being PISSED OFF which ruins any chance of real progress. The MC establishes an environment with level playing field and a referee to constructively get through the rough spots without resorting to old behaviors. Speaking from personal experience, MC helped save my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisygirl Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 Thanks again for the the input, everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts