Am I crazy?

[bridget]

Ok...

 

I posted in the LDR forum the other day about my boyfriend - now we've resolved those differences we've hit a new stumbling block. Well, two actually...

 

First off, I'm 99% sure that I'm pregnant. I haven't had a period since I returned from Austria (where he lives and where I was working for the majority of last year) and now I'm starting to get sick (quite irregularly, it has to be said, usually late morning/early afternoon, and not just morning, as it should be) and very foolishly there were times when we didn't use condoms. However, I am on the pill and that's the only reason I have any doubts about being pregnant - what are the chances of the pill being non-effective? Anyone know?

 

Back to the point, I know I have to do a test and tell him, and then decide what I will do about it. This adds a whole new dimension to our LDR, as if we decide to keep the baby (providing there is one) then we'll have to think more seriously about staying together, relocation etc etc.

 

However, until I have confirmed this, I have a more pressing problem - the entire status of our relationship (and my mental health)! I hope someone can offer me advice other than "end it" because I would sincerely like it to work out, however tumultuous it might be at present!

 

Ok, my father went into hospital today with a suspected tumour in his nose. My boyfriend knows that my father and I have a strained relationship due to the fact that he sexually abused me when I was very young. We're barely on speaking terms, and that's merely for the sake of my mother (who is in poor health and has also refused to aknowledge the fact that any abuse ever took place) but obviously for the sake of the prying eye, we all had to put on a united front at the hospital today. So I was naturally upset (admittedly a lot more out of self-pity than pity for him) and I sent my boyfriend a text message asking him to call me when he was finished working. I even offered to call him back to save expense, but I received no reply. This was at around 10pm. So at around midnight I sent him a goodnight message, and asked if he would please call me if he was finished (he usually works til 1 or 2am) and he sent one back saying that he was in bed and I could call him tomorrow (I COULD call him - that made me a little angry, I admit). So I sent him a message in the spur of the moment saying that it hurt to know he wasn't there for me when I really need his support. He then called me, but I didn't pick up (immature, I know) because I knew that he wasn't calling me because he wanted to, simply because he knew I was upset...and more than likely a little bit pissed off with him! I don't know what my point is here...and I know lots of people will say that I should leave the relationship, because it's obviously not so good. But I can't, and I don't know what kind of advice I really want.

 

I also read another post, way back on this forum, by a girl who said that she messed things up and started fights when she'd been drinking. Now, I am ass-backward in love with this guy. However, this is like my defense mechanism (drinking and being a total bitch) I want him to mess up so I can end it before I get totally invested in this (admittedly, a pregnancy would probably make me evaluate this POV). I'm a pretty insecure person underneath it all, and I need to be constantly reassured by him that he won't cheat, and that he does love me...but sometimes I do wish that he'd do something to warrant my distrust, because at the moment, I think (know) it's wildly misplaced - and that I feel this way because of his past and the manner of his friends. But I know he loves me...there's, oh there's just something wrong with me. I always have to f**k things up, and I'm so so scared that I'm doing it again.

 

Somebody just help me sort out my random, jumbled, screwed-up thoughts. Please?

[Tony T]

Sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on this. Just take one day at a time. I am truly sorry that being pregnant, if you truly are, could bring you together with someone you probably would otherwise eventually move on from.

 

Relax and just take things as they come. I think you ought not to be investing a lot of thought into future plans until you are certain of being pregnant. Birth control pills are very reliable, with a percentile in the very high 90's, so if you are pregnant you can bet it was meant to be.

 

The absense of a period and your sickness could easily be due to stress over the relationship...and could surely get worse as you worry about this pregnancy issue.

 

Get back with us once you determine whether or not you are pregnant and perhaps we can help guide you from that point.

[clia]

You need to first and foremost figure out whether or not you are pregnant. It is not safe for the baby to be taking birth control pills if you are pregnant. How long have you been back from Austria?

 

Go to the store tomorrow and spend the $10 on a pregnancy test so you know what your situation is. If you do plan to keep this baby, you are endangering its health by continuing on the birth control pills.

[bridget]

Ok, I did a test today which confirmed my fears (thoughts?) and I am indeed pregnant. I have made a doctor's appointment for Monday and dropped into the Family Planning Clinic this afternoon for a chat with the adviser.

 

Now I have to figure out how to tell me boyfriend - but before that I think maybe I should decide what I truly want to do, right? So he can't force me into any decision or influence it with his good/bad reaction.

 

Any suggestions on points I should raise with him while talking about it?

 

Thanks clia and Tony for your replies, I can always rely on this forum to get good answers.

[clia]

How long have you two been together?

 

Your boyfriend is probably going to be shocked at first, so you should be prepared for that. In fact, you should be prepared for any reaction from him--from complete and utter happiness to complete and utter horror.

 

Definitely establish your reactions to this before you tell him. In particular, think about the following:

 

-- Are you only willing to have the baby if your relationship with him continues, or are you willing to be a single parent?

 

-- What is best for YOU right now? Does having a baby right now work for you (regardless of whether or not he wants to continue a relationship with you)?

 

-- Evaluate all the options. He may support you having the baby, but not necessarily want to move forward as a "family" unit. (And thus he may not want you to relocate, in which case you will be on your own.) He may support you having the baby and want to move forward as a "family" unit. He may not want you to have the baby at all. He may want you to give the baby up for adoption. Anything is possible.

 

This is a huge decision. Good luck.

 

(P.S. I do think you overreacted the other night. He was probably just tired. Haven't you ever been tired?)

[bridget]

Clia - I know I overreacted the other night, but the thing is, he's doing the same thing tonight...only this time rather than replying to me saying he was too tired/busy/whatever I've heard NOTHING. I said that it was imperitive that I talk to him as soon as he has the time, and he just hadn't deigned to reply. I'm on the verge of phoning him and a) screaming him into next week or b) bursting into tears. I can't believe the extent to which he's been blowing hot and cold lately. When he feels like it, he's the most loving, attentive guy in the universe, but it breaks my heart that because of the distance and the fact I can't physically see him - he can just shut me out when it pleases him. It's getting to the point where I just want to end it, but then I know I can't do that because I love him too much. But I know he's got me dangling on a string - and I always swore I'd never be "that" girl.

 

I've been thinking about what to do all day - I'm very young to have a baby, not least without a partner. But I always wanted children, and I feel like maybe this is just fate, and I should do what my heart - and not my bank balance - tells me to do. However, I don't know if I'm strong enough to cope if he says that he wants nothing to do with my pregnancy, I've invested so much in this relationship that life without him seems like a very desolate and uninviting place. What does that say about me? That I'm the kind of weak, pathetic person who'd rather make futile attempts to reignite the dying embers of a relationship, than be strong and find something better (and healthier) for myself? Who am I? And how did I get here - from being blissfully happy and firmly wedged in the "LDRs CAN work" camp?

 

Any advice/words of wisdom/stern tellings off would be greatly appreciated.

 

Bridget x

[clia]

I went back and read your previous post in order to get some context about your relationship with him.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I am going to tell you what I think based on what you posted before and now. (You did say you were open to "stern." )

 

I fully believe that when you get that feeling in your gut not to trust someone, your gut is always right. When you are feeling fulfilled and secure and are getting what you need in a relationship, you have no reason not to trust, right? You don't even feel any inkling of not trusting because everything feels right.

 

Here is what I see:

 

-- He can't take one day off work to go visit his girlfriend? I understand work ethics and all that, but come on. Don't you think if you were his dreamgirl he would do everything in his power to make sure to see you? Don't you think he'd not want you to have to go out of your way every weekend to go to him? Don't make excuses for him. It sounds to me like you are the one doing all the work in this relationship.

 

-- The lack of calling is bothering me a lot. In a LDR, you need that communication since you aren't seeing each other. It worries me that you feel upset when he doesn't call. (I'm assuming that you are busy and have a lot of your own things going on and aren't simply sitting around focusing on him not calling. I'm also assuming you aren't being unrealistic in your demands of how often he call. Since you are LDR, I would think maybe three calls a week would be standard, and any more than that is a nice bonus.)

 

-- How often are you calling him? Are you being too clingy? It's possible that your clinginess is forcing him into his cave and he just needs some space. I want you to stop calling him. You have left him a message telling him you urgently need to talk to him, so now the ball is in his court. It will do you no good to continue calling and calling and in fact will probably irritate him.

 

As far as the baby is concerned, I think you should do what is in your heart. It's your body and it's your choice. Despite the bank balance, I'm sure if you figure out a plan of action you will be able to finish school, get your degree, get a nice job, and support your baby.

 

However, I don't know if I'm strong enough to cope if he says that he wants nothing to do with my pregnancy, I've invested so much in this relationship that life without him seems like a very desolate and uninviting place. What does that say about me?

 

It says you are human. You have a relationship with this guy, and should he react terribly of course you will be hurting. But, you are strong enough to cope with it. You really are. It will hurt really bad for awhile, but then you will move on and get over it.

 

Who am I? And how did I get here - from being blissfully happy and firmly wedged in the "LDRs CAN work" camp?

 

Sometimes things sneak up on us, but that doesn't mean we don't have choices anymore. You have a lot of options, here. You just need to decide what is right for you, buck up, and do it. If you are unhappy with him, you should end things and find someone new. Life is too short to stay in unhappy relationships.

 

However, your decision with what to do about him and your decision regarding the baby are mutually exclusive. You have two very big decisions looming. Just do not (and I'm not saying you would) decide to have this baby in the hopes of keeping your relationship with him alive. That is the wrong reason to have the baby. And if it doesn't work, you are still going to have a child to raise for the rest of your life.