When grown men listen to their families who interfere in their marriages...

[RecordProducer]

I have an example of that type of man at home, which many LS members know. I would like to hear your stories. I am particularly interested in hearing the man's version. So guys, if your wives accused you of being dependent on your family's instructions, please post.

 

I am also interested to hear the stories of women who were/are married to this type and how they dealt with the unlucky situation.

[Curmudgeon]

I am particularly interested in hearing the man's version. So guys, if your wives accused you of being dependent on your family's instructions, please post.

 

...that I have no family save for children and grandchildren, does that mean we have a chance?

 

When my wife and I married, her oldest daughter and my oldest daughter decided that they would break us up -- not jointly (they don't like one another) but independently. All the rest of my family had died longs before (parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.). My wife's mother didn't like me too pretty much either but then, she doesn't like an ybody and my wife doesn't like her.

 

My wife and always presented a united front against any and all who would come against us or try to come between us. That's absolutely essential if a marriage is to endure.

[RecordProducer]

I know this is the solution, but he won't team up with me against them.

 

I finally realized that he wants to divorce me only because he can't take his family's pressure anymore. We had a period when we got along great and had a great time laughing and joking... and he still wanted to divorce me. He also acts like he loves me at times.

 

He depends on them emotionally and can't be indifferent toward their attitudes. When they disapprove of his choices, he feels unloved by them; he needs their validation for everything, because his parents f*cked with his brain when he was a child (he didn't get enough affection and attention).

 

I know for a fact that they (his brother and father) are literally telling him that I am a piece of sh*t and he doesn't realize how bad I am. This is total BS. The whole thing is about my SIL who is a major bitch and a control freak and she turned her husband and the father against me. It turned out that she wanted my husband out of her life, not just me - but used me as a bait.

 

Hubby insist on a divorce. On the other hand, the things with his twin brother escalated so much that today he called the police on him. I have no clue why they were arguing, but I heard hubby screaming "Get out of my house!" many times and finally called the police. The cops really came and I told him it was a very lame thing and he should apologize to his brother. He didn't.

 

By the way, I see them very rarely and we are just civil to each other. There is nothing that they can find about me and our lives are not related in any aspect. At this point hubby hates SIL, so now they fight about that, as much as I could overhear.

 

I am thinking about getting a job and an apartment and leaving. Do you think he will realize what a bad mistake he made if he loves me?

[TechDude]

He depends on them emotionally and can't be indifferent toward their attitudes.

 

Genesis 2:24

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

 

When they disapprove of his choices, he feels unloved by them; he needs their validation for everything, because his parents f*cked with his brain when he was a child (he didn't get enough affection and attention).

 

There may be all sorts of valid reasons, but at some stage he has to grow up and be closer emotionally to you than his family.

 

Hubby insist on a divorce.

 

Activley choosing his family over you - that's tough to take.

 

On the other hand, the things with his twin brother escalated so much that today he called the police on him.

 

Sounds hopeful, but maybe not.

 

I am thinking about getting a job and an apartment and leaving. Do you think he will realize what a bad mistake he made if he loves me?

 

One can only hope. If this is a viable option for you and he continues with the "wants a divorce" attitude, I'm not sure what else you can do.

 

I've been told by my wife many times that she wants to leave (she's also said even more oftne that she wants to be dead and has attempted to do something about it on several occasions). At other times, she seems like she really needs and wants me. It gets hard sometimes so figure out which is her talking and which is the depression. Even when you convince yourself it is the depression, it is still hard to listen to the verbal abuse, knowing that you can't respond or you could well push her over the edge into another suicide attempt.

[RecordProducer]

There may be all sorts of valid reasons, but at some stage he has to grow up and be closer emotionally to you than his family.

Well, that's clear, but HOW can we come from point A to point B?

 

 

Activley choosing his family over you - that's tough to take.

He doesn't admit that they have anything to do with our divorce, but hey, who would admit such a shameful thing?

 

 

Sounds hopeful, but maybe not.

 

I agree. But if he loses them AND me, he will have to pick ONE. The brother is slipping out of his life thanks to his wife and the father is taking their side - not hubby's. He is very disappointed. Now if I move out, he will see that he lost everyone. I don't think SIL will let him have his brother back. Of course, he might choose no one and just look for another woman, but I think he loves me and he definitely loves the kids (they are mine, but he adores them endlessly and doesn't want to lose them no matter what). No other woman will tolerate him being close with my kids, which means he won't be able to have a harmonious relationship with anyone else. But that's too far ahead. if he would hook up with someone after me, I'd never take him back. He is 18 years older than I am.

 

One can only hope. If this is a viable option for you and he continues with the "wants a divorce" attitude, I'm not sure what else you can do.

I can just NOT move out. He will continue with the threats, he will continue to act as if we are good friends and room mates, but not a couple. He went on three vacations by himself and we very rarely have sex (and it was always me who initiated it). On the other hand, he loves to sleep with me (I am not giving him the pleasure most of the time, because he doesn't deserve it, I stay on my PC all night), he hugs me in bed and he acts in front of the in-laws as if everything is peachy. I want to leave, but I just wonder how it will change things.

 

I've been told by my wife many times that she wants to leave (she's also said even more oftne that she wants to be dead and has attempted to do something about it on several occasions).

Sorry to hear about your situation.

[TechDude]

Well, that's clear, but HOW can we come from point A to point B?

Yeah, sorry, I guess I was stating the obvious. I have no idea how you get someone to grow up.

He is 18 years older than I am.

Then again, maybe it is too late. If he hasn't figure that out by now, I don't think he will. (Where do I find a woman 18 years my junior who would be interested in me?)

 

I can just NOT move out. He will continue with the threats, he will continue to act as if we are good friends and room mates, but not a couple.

Is that really an option?

 

I should talk I guess. I've been living in hope for over 7 years that the depression will be resolved. Even if it is, there are no guarantees about what sort of person I find myself married to out the other side. After all this time, I somehow doubt that the person I married will ever be back.

 

I want to leave, but I just wonder how it will change things.

So, really, what is stopping you? He says he wants a divorce. You are still young, maybe you would be better off with someone who can keep up with you physically.

[marlena]

I am thinking about getting a job and an apartment and leaving. Do you think he will realize what a bad mistake he made if he loves me?

 

 

Honey, you know this is not the question that you need to ask yourself. What you need to decide is whether or not you can continue to live with this man despite all his flaws and despite the problems that are destroying your marriage.

 

Leaving him will not change who he is. He may miss you and want you back but he will basically continue to be the same man. For the most part, people in their fifties, have already reached a stage of full personality development. This leaves little room for drastic, life-altering changes.

 

RP, you need to accept or let go. Leaving just to make him see how much he loves you will not offer a solution to your problems - at least not a permanent one.

 

Love,

Marlena

[luvstarved]

I have an H also like that somewhat. For him I do not think it is constant searching for validation from his family, he got far too much of that already as far as I can tell. For him I think it is that he CHOOSES to trust what they say over all else because it fits in with the needs of his ego...because they always agree with him.

 

When an issue arises that he does not want to discuss with his family, he takes it elsewhere...almost anywhere else. When I objected to porn use BECAUSE WE WERE IN SEXLESS MARRIAGE, he asked "guys at the gym" and of course they said it was no big deal, but he left out the sexless marriage part.

 

He leaves all problem solving to me, yet when I tell him something he questions it and only when he hears it elsewhere will be believe it (I wanted to refinance house and he resisted until neighbor was doing same then he came in and said he thought we should refinance as though it was his idea).

 

But do not kid yourself that your husband is a sheep or a victim of his family's influence. He IS a grown man as you said and you have to remember that he is CHOOSING. And at this stage of his life, as another poster said, it is unlikely that much will change with his choices.

 

If he values their opinion over yours, or has so little trust in you that he will give credence to lies being put forth about you, then what sort of relationship are you having anyway?

 

Also it sounds like there is a lot of drama in the family, do you think that is just a part of the historical dysfunction? Maybe they need to keep things volatile to feel alive or "normal", who knows?

 

I am still in my marriage because at some level, at this point in time, I am hoping for SOME change and find enough benefit over being alone that I am hanging in there. If you have enough reason to stay then I can certainly relate to that.

 

Counseling might help, it has helped somewhat in my M. Have you tried that???

[carhill]

He depends on them emotionally and can't be indifferent toward their attitudes. When they disapprove of his choices, he feels unloved by them; he needs their validation for everything, because his parents f*cked with his brain when he was a child (he didn't get enough affection and attention).

 

Could you expand upon this?

 

FWIW, I can't recall my parents ever hugging and kissing me or telling me they loved me (I'm sure they did but I just don't recall it) but I always felt loved by their actions. Looking back, and now understanding my nervous system better, their response was perhaps due to my "pushing them away" because I was over-stimulated by their affection (something which still affects me today).

 

I rebelled against the strong mother figure when she ever expressed her "opinion" about a romantic interest of mine (I was quite mature, meaning older, by that time) and essentially told her I'd disconnect her just like I did the rest of her narcissistic family (she was not afflicted) if she continued. She did not.

 

If hubby is a "mama's boy" (something I was oft accused of but deny vehemently), and won't consider therapy, it's going to be a tough row to hoe. "Love me, love my family" is something I oft hear from female friends. Wish I had more optimism here.

 

Interestingly, a friend of my wife commented to me one time, when I was telling a story about how, after my mom became demented, I chose to make my marriage my first priority, over my mother, asking me "Are you OK with that?". There are times now when I ponder that question.

 

It sounds like your husband's family brings a lot of bad karma into your lives. Only you can decide where to balance the scale of your dignity, sanity and love. I wish you well

[pricillia]

RC,

 

I am not married but I have read and feel that I know of your story. I know that you feel like your marriage is being destroyed by the family that keeps on interfering in your business. I did have a relationship like that and he proposed to me told me to look for dresses but guess what his parents did not like me, mostly his mother... and she swayed him away from me.

 

Looking back I am glad that I am not with him, although I did not have years the marriage connection and kids like you...

 

Letting go was not a choice for me it was part of me evolving and also right now you should not worry about your marriage being destroyed you should worry about this whole thing destroying you.

 

I see your picture and although I do not know you personally, I can tell you are a loving person that wants love respect and devotion..

 

Separating yourself and pulling back from this situatuon may make your relationship stonger in the long run, or you may find what you are looking for with someone else.

 

Peace..

 

Pricillia

[RecordProducer]

Thank you very much for your replies, guys. I will have to think about this and will reply later.

[marlena]

:love::love: from me to you!!!

[Lizzie60]

I agree with Marlena..

 

You don't have much choice.. live with it.. or leave him.

 

I know I would leave.. but each situation is different.. depending on how much 'love' is involved.

 

Good luck!

[RecordProducer]

I am leaving. I will take my time, cuz I will be looking for a job and a place to live, so I really don't want to be rushed. I will definitely move out sometime between April 1 and July 1. The decision had to "ripe" in my head and my heart. I think the bad finally outweighed the good in this marriage. Besides, when somebody tells you a million times to leave, I don't see a reason to stay. Some interesting things were said, but I don't want to bug people after I made up my mind.

 

 

What you need to decide is whether or not you can continue to live with this man despite all his flaws and despite the problems that are destroying your marriage.

No, I can't. He will stay in the kids' lives and we can be friends, but I want to move on and get over him ASAP. That will definitely be lesser effort than all the effort I put in this marriage in the past two years. The thought of me continuing to invest energy, time, and nerves just to receive frustration and pain in return - sounds scary.

WE WERE IN SEXLESS MARRIAGE

I remember your posts about this. I feel for you. It's horrible. You feel as if you're hungry, thirsty, and depressed at the same time - just because somebody has a problem of sharing his precious dick with you.

 

But do not kid yourself that your husband is a sheep or a victim of his family's influence. He IS a grown man as you said and you have to remember that he is CHOOSING. And at this stage of his life, as another poster said, it is unlikely that much will change with his choices.

It's worse than that: they are not choosing to be influenced, they are just too defective to be able to choose anything else. Whatever the case, if the "sheep" doesn't want to communicate and compromise, they become our problem. By the way, mine doesn't sound like yours; they are "wonderful" in different ways. I don't feel like writing about him. I am so, so, sooooooo freakkin' tired of writing about him, thinking about him, feeling miserable because of him, licking my wounds after his every rejection, and waiting for him to throw the crumbs of his love on the floor so I can pick them up.

 

The funny thing is that his version of the story is completely different from mine. He thinks I should be grateful that he brought me to the US (as if I married him for that) and for the food and roof above my head that he gave me (as if I didn't have that before or I couldn't have it without him). He thinks I screamed for no reason, he said "We don't get along," and he can't have sex with me because of that. But, whatever his version, I live my version of life and in my version, I can't be someone else.

 

 

If he values their opinion over yours, or has so little trust in you that he will give credence to lies being put forth about you, then what sort of relationship are you having anyway?

He actually knows they are wrong and fights with them. He sees things clearly, but he must gain their approval. It's very important to him to have his father's blessing about everything.

Also it sounds like there is a lot of drama in the family, do you think that is just a part of the historical dysfunction? Maybe they need to keep things volatile to feel alive or "normal", who knows?

Interesting that you mention that. Yes, they thrive in sh*t.

 

I am still in my marriage because at some level, at this point in time, I am hoping for SOME change and find enough benefit over being alone that I am hanging in there. If you have enough reason to stay then I can certainly relate to that.

Oh, I can relate to that, too. I am sorry. I could find many excuses to stay, but I am looking for excuses to leave. Ironically, after enduring some unbelievable emotional pain for two years, now when things are much better for me, I am just burned out. I can't believe I went through all that crap and remained sane. He can say whatever he wants, only I know how much I suffered because I loved him more than he loved me.

Counseling might help, it has helped somewhat in my M. Have you tried that???

He doesn't want to hear about it, he says it won't work and it's not worth it. MC is good when both people want to work on the marriage.

 

Could you expand upon this?

 

If hubby is a "mama's boy" (something I was oft accused of but deny vehemently), and won't consider therapy, it's going to be a tough row to hoe.

He is actually daddy's boy. Even I don't believe that therapy would help him and I am fascinated with psychology. He doesn't want to change. Hence his arrogance.

[RecordProducer]

you should not worry about your marriage being destroyed you should worry about this whole thing destroying you.

This is what I realized in the past few days, which is a huge progress for me.

I see your picture and although I do not know you personally, I can tell you are a loving person that wants love respect and devotion..

I am loving and I love with my whole being. Well, I hope to find my soul mate who will love me back. I certainly learned a lot through my two marriages, both about men and myself.

 

Separating yourself and pulling back from this situation may make your relationship stronger in the long run, or you may find what you are looking for with someone else.

That's a very realistic thought. I am not sure that I will ever find what I am looking for, but I will probably have some LTR(s). I don't think this marriage will ever be revived though. He is way too far from wanting to work on it and I am one step away from that place myself. I am really starting to get a very strong feeling that this was never meant to be. I know he will miss me, but I don't think he will want me back, because if he does, I will consider him the stupidest man in the world. He crossed all the borders and closed all the doors in my heart.

[carhill]

Sorry to hear that

 

{{{RecordProducer}}}

[Ocean-Blue]

RP, this is a worst nightmare of mine. Marrying a man who puts his family before me.

 

Honestly, why do you put up with your H's bs? He is spineless if he can't learn to set some boundaries with his family!

 

I don't understand why ppl. compromise the marital relationship for the sake of a 3rd party. Sure family is important. I would do anything for my family and feel a great sense of respect for those who are elder to me. I've been brought up to respect those who are your in-laws...but I would never put up with a H who treats me as a last priority.

 

You are a patient woman.

[smartgirl]

This situation is very difficult and the reasons that a man does this vary.

 

One very old friend came from a large, close and very loving family. They were great, salt of the earth people. But they all saw spouses as extensions of the family and therefore somewhat under the guidance of the parents.

 

My friend had always taken his opinions of the world from his family and had a fairly narrow comfort zone. Meets and marries a wonderful girl. After 5 years of him polling his family to get their views during times of decision making or disagreements (it made him feel more right if he had a number of people agree with him) she divorced him. Just couldn't take that many extra people in the marriage. At the time, he felt she was making him choose between her and his family. He failed to grasp that is a big part of marriage.

 

They married others and got divorced. Then they got back in contact and ultimately remarried. He had matured enough to show her the respect she deserved and put some boundaries around their marriage. She had matured enough to not feel so threatened by continued extreme closeness to his family. So they both moved toward the center.

 

Another friend married a guy who confided EVERYTHING to his mother and involved her in every argument and discussion. She bided her time and waited for the mother to die. I don't know how she took it up until then.

 

To me, this is a maturity and respect issue. If your H cannot be a man and a true husband it may be because he doesn't want to. He feels better in a place where someone else is making the decisions for him. You are an extension of him and therefore as flawed in his mind as himself.

 

If he sees nothing wrong with his behavior and has no motivation to change, he will not change. I'll have to check back if MC has been tried. It is worth a try, but he may be a take it or leave it proposition.

[Woggle]

If a man has a good family and friends he should listen to them. Why do women think that a man should have to cut everybody else out of his life when he gets married?

[Ocean-Blue]

If a man has a good family and friends he should listen to them. Why do women think that a man should have to cut everybody else out of his life when he gets married?

 

Perhaps you should read RP's original post.

 

No one saying a man should "cut everyboyd else out".

 

Her family is telling him to LEAVE HER. They've insulted her and totally disrespected their marriage.

[Woggle]

My friends told to leave my ex as well. I should have listened to them. I don't know her and her situation but sometimes an outside can see things from a distance that a person involved can't see.

[Ocean-Blue]

My friends told to leave my ex as well. I should have listened to them. I don't know her and her situation but sometimes an outside can see things from a distance that a person involved can't see.

 

Woggle, you should really read her posts before commenting.

 

Not everyone's situation is similar to yours.

[carhill]

Yes, the reverse is true. I have told my wife in no uncertain terms that if her family or friends disrespect me and she sides with them, she's gone

 

This subject (and her emotional distance) is the main reason we're in MC. I'm watching carefully.

[Woggle]

Yes, the reverse is true. I have told my wife in no uncertain terms that if her family or friends disrespect me and she sides with them, she's gone

 

This subject (and her emotional distance) is the main reason we're in MC. I'm watching carefully.

 

The reverse is very much true as well. When a woman gets some manhating friends it will eventually destroy a marriage.

[carhill]

Not sure, but we may be on the same page. A number of my wife's friends are divorced and, though I wouldn't coin them "man-haters", they have had some of the typical issues with divorce, children and new relationships. Affairs have been involved in some cases.

 

It can be a toxic soup if stirred too much. My male friends, OTOH, never talk about their "women", even if getting a divorce. I'm invariably surprised when it happens.

 

I guess I'm just strange. I've always liked women (don't confuse that with sexual "like") even though they've treated me with varying incidence of disdain and disinterest most of my life. It'll make a great book some day