When grown men listen to their families who interfere in their marriages...

[quankanne]

RP, it just hurts having to hear that your husband is willing to throw away a relationship that has the potential to save him from himself and his family, but you know what? You deserve better than being the unwanted "crust" to his so-called perfect sandwich of a family, and you're young enough and vibrant enough to turn this thing around to a point where you WILL attract good men willing to love you on more open, honest terms.

 

you know I'm a huge advocate of marriage, but sometimes, when everything conspires against you in making a success of a relationship, maybe it really IS time to just up and say goodbye. Because being part of a relationship doesn't mean subjecting yourself to that kind of neglect from your partner; that's not what a true, loving, healthy relationship is about.

 

cut your losses, kiddo; you've more than given your all to this man.

 

hugs,

q

[whichwayisup]

My friends told to leave my ex as well. I should have listened to them. I don't know her and her situation but sometimes an outside can see things from a distance that a person involved can't see.

 

Wog, you also have friends who want you to leave your current wife as well.....

[whichwayisup]

RP, you do what you think is right for you and your boys. If A isn't treatin you the way you deserve ALL the time, and he's STILL letting twinbro and rest of family get in the way, that will never change. You know HE has issues, is a real committment phobe, it's not about you, it's all about HIM. He cannot and will not stand up to them.

[D-Lish]

Hey RP,

 

I think you are making a good decision to walk away from this- even if it's only for a while and to get your head straight. You are in the middle of a huge tug-o-war right now and it must be impossible to think straight or even feel good about yourself.

 

Hmm. It takes me back to my failed marriage. My ex husband was a really great guy- but his family was so over bearing and overwhelming. His mother needed contact with him 24/7- she blamed me for taking attention away from her and made my life miserable from day one. The tight knit family that surrounded her was a constant threat to out marriage. His mother would cry and throw tantrums if she didn't feel she was getting enough attention. The manipulation and guilt was unbelievable. My ex husband worked in Ohio, while I was here in Ontario. So we only got to see one another once a month for 3 days. When he was home his family would bully him into spending his time with them instead of me.

 

All I can tell you is that it was never going to get better.... not for him or for me. Our marriage was doomed from the start because of the many obstacles.... and he was too terrifed to confront his mother- and just wanted to please everyone... 95% of the problems in our marriage were due to his mother. He knew it and I knew it.... but it's like banging your head against the wall.

 

If you stay, I fear that you'll encounter the same difficulties that are unfortunately too embedded in his life.... it's not something that he will most likely be able to change.

 

I can totally relate to what you are going through. And as much as leaving is scary and painful... I think you'll be much happier in the long run. No one is looking after your needs in this situation- and living in a sexless marriage isn't something you want to live with for the rest of your life!

 

It's hard to have respect for a man that is unable to make his own decisions about life and love. The meddling family is bad enough- but when you get married, you should operate as a unit. It almost feels like it's become a "them against you" situation. It should never feel like that.

 

As hard as it is to do so- I really do hope you can gather the courage to leave. Even if this is something that can be worked out, I am sure it can't be worked out the way things are at the moment. Staying in the house isn't going to make things better. Leaving gives you both time to think.

 

Thinking of you,

Dee

[Woggle]

Wog, you also have friends who want you to leave your current wife as well.....

 

Well I have a friend but I don't listen to him. I just chalk it up to him recently gettingt his niceguy wakeup call.

[RecordProducer]

Thank you for the great posts, Carhill, Ocean Blue, WWIU, Quankanne, Smartgirl, and D-Lish. I really appreciate the support and everything.

 

I don't even know if it's just the family anymore, but they definitely influence his thoughts and feelings. In any case, it's HIM who is emotionally defective and the clinginess to his father is just a consequence of that. He acts like he doesn't know what he wants and I simply don't understand undecisive people, because I always know what I want and have plans A, B, and C to achieve what I want. Yet, I always follow my heart and just let my mind work for my heart. There are many details related to our problems, but if I would start writing them, it would literally make a book. The crux of the story is that he wants me out (or so he says), he is not marriage material, he is not committed, he let his family abuse me, we don't have sex, he wants everything to be his way, and he doesn't want to put any effort. This April he will go on his 4th vacation in the past year - ALONE. That's not marriage.

 

Woggle, with all due respect, I don't need your advice. You manage to make every thread in which you post about YOU and your own issues with women. Your effort is much appreciated, but it is unnecessary. Thanks.

 

P.S. Smartgrl, I answered the question about MC at the bottom of post #14.

[Cobra_X30]

I don't even know if it's just the family anymore, but they definitely influence his thoughts and feelings. In any case, it's HIM who is emotionally defective and the clinginess to his father is just a consequence of that. He acts like he doesn't know what he wants and I simply don't understand undecisive people, because I always know what I want and have plans A, B, and C to achieve what I want. Yet, I always follow my heart and just let my mind work for my heart. There are many details related to our problems, but if I would start writing them, it would literally make a book. The crux of the story is that he wants me out (or so he says), he is not marriage material, he is not committed, he let his family abuse me, we don't have sex, he wants everything to be his way, and he doesn't want to put any effort. This April he will go on his 4th vacation in the past year - ALONE. That's not marriage.

 

Well, if you want my input on this... I'd say he just lacks a pair of balls.

 

Friend, Relative, Acquiantence... it doesn't matter. If they start knocking on someone I've given a comittment to, they better have a DAMN good reason. Otherwise I'm going to tell them exactly where to stuff their opinion.

 

Why? Because it they insult her... they insult me. I don't take well to insults.

[RecordProducer]

Well, if you want my input on this... I'd say he just lacks a pair of balls.

 

Friend, Relative, Acquiantence... it doesn't matter. If they start knocking on someone I've given a comittment to, they better have a DAMN good reason. Otherwise I'm going to tell them exactly where to stuff their opinion.

He needs an explanation of the word "commitment" and the benefits of commitment in life.

 

He does tell them off, but what bothers me is that he is defending me, which is the wrong thing to do. Namely, he tells them that I am not bad (like they say) and stuff like that. He is desperately trying to persuade them that I am good instead of just telling them that our marriage is none of their business and they should shut up. But what do you expect from a person who asked his father, mother and brother for an opinion about marrying me before they even knew me? He can't tell them NOW that it's none of their business or they are talking out of their butts cuz they don't know me at all. The sad thing is that they don't want to see him happy. I know this because they are making up things about me. Anyway, it's not important anymore. It's over.

[Cobra_X30]

He does tell them off, but what bothers me is that he is defending me, which is the wrong thing to do. Namely, he tells them that I am not bad (like they say) and stuff like that. He is desperately trying to persuade them that I am good instead of just telling them that our marriage is none of their business and they should shut up. But what do you expect from a person who asked his father, mother and brother for an opinion about marrying me before they even knew me? He can't tell them NOW that it's none of their business or they are talking out of their butts cuz they don't know me at all. The sad thing is that they don't want to see him happy. I know this because they are making up things about me. Anyway, it's not important anymore. It's over.

 

 

Hmmm... Defending you is good. It's a step at least in the right direction.

 

See, I've run into this problem in the past. I have some highly opinionated family.

 

The way I see it, the reason I tell them to go fly a kite, is because I trust my own judgment. Any attack on her... that's an attack on my choice to be with her, and therefore an attack on me! Not something I'm going to stand for, so either be supportive, or shut your yapper is my credo.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Guys who act like that, do so because they want it. They need to hear the bad stuff to make them feel better about themselves. Maybe he doesn't trust his ability to make good choices either. Who knows.

 

Bottom line. Good guys are not like that.

[RecordProducer]

Guys who act like that, do so because they want it. They need to hear the bad stuff to make them feel better about themselves.

This is a very interesting thought! I never thought about it.

 

Anyway, not relevant anymore. In my mind I am thinking two words: 1. out 2. future.