Made a bad choice in D wife for OW..i want to go back home

[OldEurope]

Enough beating up this poor guy...

 

If I read correctly, his wife was emotionally and sexually distant towards him, stopped telling him she loved him, and was depressed all the time.

 

No, not an excuse for an affair, but...c'mon folks. Some of these things sometimes go both ways.

 

What on earth is a man supposed to do. Castrate himself and go become a monk for God's sake? (pun intended).

 

John, here is what you do. Politely, kindly, tell the OW you do not see a future together and that it is better that you go your own ways. Be a gentlemen: i.e. honest, considerate of her reactions, and perhaps help her find a place or help with some immediate aspects of her life (financial, professional) and go and do not look back.

 

Secondly, get off the video games, call your wife and ask her out. As if on a date and go somewhere nice. Nice, and private. Expect all kinds of resistance, but just keep at it. Tell her exactly what you are telling us. Tell her even that you sought "help" with all of this. Be honest to the core even if you find it humiliating. You can even say that you did not feel that she loved you anymore. She will get defensive with a comment like that but she too has to know the roots of some aspect of your actions.

 

If you think love is there, there is a chance that this might work out.

 

xo

OE

[marlena]

I second OE's advice.

 

Finish your relationship in as civil a way as possible. Then, court your wife all over again. Be patient and determined. It may or may not work but it is definitely worth a try.

 

Marlena

[whichwayisup]

If you really want to have your wife back, you have to first break up with the OW and be on your own. Those actions will show her that atleast you won't be bouncing back and forth between relationships. What you are doing now is unfair to the OW, exactly what you did to your wife by cheating on her WITH the OW.

 

Get counselling to help you through this.

[whichwayisup]

Put yourself in your wife's shoes? How is she going to trust you again? What if you go back to her and then realize it's the OW that you want and miss? You need to be alone for a while....End it with the OW, and sort out your life. IF you want your old life back, fix yourself.

[Curmudgeon]

Enough beating up this poor guy...

 

If I read correctly, his wife was emotionally and sexually distant towards him, stopped telling him she loved him, and was depressed all the time.

 

No, not an excuse for an affair, but...c'mon folks. Some of these things sometimes go both ways.

 

What on earth is a man supposed to do. Castrate himself and go become a monk for God's sake?

 

In a case like that I'd say you either live like a monk or, if the other spouse won't join you in marriage counseling, you divorce the one who has forced you into a monastic existance and THEN you can seek out someone new.

[OpenBook]

John, here is what you do. Politely, kindly, tell the OW you do not see a future together and that it is better that you go your own ways...

 

Secondly, get off the video games, call your wife and ask her out... Be honest to the core...

 

Although I wholeheartedly agree with your advice (it's the right thing to do), it has been my experience that this is NOT how men operate. They will not end one relationship until they're pretty darn sure the other one's waiting for them in the wings. Ideally (in their minds anyway) they want both. But failing that, they're not going to risk ending up alone... especially when it's already been proven to them that both women love them.

[BettyBoop]

it has been my experience that this is NOT how men operate. They will not end one relationship until they're pretty darn sure the other one's waiting for them in the wings. Ideally (in their minds anyway) they want both. But failing that, they're not going to risk ending up alone... especially when it's already been proven to them that both women love them.

 

Your theory is interesting, but I'd say only so called "Relationship jumpers" fall under that cathegory. Men and women who are independent would just walk out. Not all people need a "Plan 2" to move on.

 

It seems to me that John isn't neccessarily a relationship jumper, but he seems like the kind of guy who gives up and "moves on". If I were his Ex, I would not take him back. Because what he did to her, he did to OW. And now he's only proven to her that he will do it again and again...

[sb129]

I think that John should definitely break up with his current GF before he can even think about courting his exW again.

 

That is all.

[John Who]

I never slept with the ow while i was married that was not what i was looking for. I kissed her a few times but that was as phisical as it got.

 

It was mostly talking flirting alot of talking,well mostly her talking this is something my wife and i stopped doing yrs ago.

 

I was always attracted to my wife that never went away, in fact we had sex alot,we just never talked i mean really talked no i loves you's we never even kissed anymore,isnt that strange we had sex but never kissed.

 

I would try to be affectionate with her but she never returned it back,i wasnt sure how she felt about me anymore.

 

The ow pretty much know's how i feel,she know's i feel this was a mistake.

 

It's just the ow always gives me this guilt treatment about alot of things,and i do feel bad for her i guess i feel sorry for her,but at the same time wish i never met her.

 

I didnt have sex with ow until after wife and i split up,i will soon tell her i want out nothing to do with her at all.

[John Who]

I am a human being im not a robot i made a huge mistake HUGE i just want my wife and family back. Dont you think people deserve second chances if you really love someone why is it so wrong to give them another chance.

 

Im not only keeping ow around just because i dont want to be alone,i want ow gone it's just she always puts this guilt trip over me,we dont even have a relationship i dont know why she would want to be here.

 

She dislikes my wife,my wife never did anything to her,she wants me to cut contact with my wife i told her if she told me that one more time i would throw her out i dont care what she is going through at the moment.

 

I just want to know if anyone here has ever got a D and later got back involved with x H or W.

[norajane]

I just want to know if anyone here has ever got a D and later got back involved with x H or W.

 

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. There's no way of getting back together with your ex while you are still together with your gf and she is still living with you. Your ex-wife will never take you seriously or believe anything you say about your feelings for her if you have a gf.

 

End that relationship if it is not working, finish it. Then spend some time on your own to clear your head. Maybe consider individual counseling to help you understand why you chose to turn to another woman instead of dealing honestly with your wife with the issues in your marriage...most people will at least try to address issues first before seeking comfort elsewhere, why didn't you?

 

Once you have your head clear and are more together, you may have something to offer your ex wife. Right now, really, you have nothing to offer her that she would want to consider.

 

I am a human being im not a robot i made a huge mistake HUGE

 

You keep saying you made a mistake, and that's another reason for your ex wife not to take you back. You didn't make a mistake. You made a series of choices over a long span of time to go behind your wife's back and develop a relationship with someone else. You have to accept responsibility by acknowledging that you made those choices, each and every one, with only yourself and what you wanted and what made you feel good in mind. If you can't acknowledge that you actively made this affair happen, then your wife can't trust you won't do something like that again.

Edited March 2, 2008 by norajane

[SoleMate]

I am a human being im not a robot

We're all having trouble seeing you as a human being in charge of your own life because.....you don't act like it. I get the message that you're very sad without your ex-wife, and also that you're sick and tired of your current female partner. OK, we all agree on that. Now what are YOU going to do about it?

 

Like Gunny said, best for you to be alone for a while, so you can reflect and maybe start learning to make your OWN decisions and lead your OWN life, instead of just helplessly reacting to the women around you. Once you master that, then the next stage is learning to work WITH a partner to address problems affecting either one of you. I don't expect anyone to live indefinitely in a marriage without affection. The right response is to acknowledge and address the problem, proactively and constructively.

 

I doubt if you're planning to use any of this advice, so I won't take too much time on giving it. But OldEurope had good ideas about how to decently and humanely end your r/s with your gf. It would be a great chance for you to set your own course instead of just reacting to her anger or guilt trips. (BTW, it may make it easier to realize that your current gf is better off without you.) You can't POSSIBLY get back with your wife while you're still involved with the gf. Even if it's just the gf and you living together in what looks like an empty, cold marriage in all but the legalities. (Hmmmmmm....I see a pattern here.)

 

Last thought, read <i>His Needs, Her Needs</i> and learn how to build and sustain romantic love. Good luck. Except of course what you need is not luck, but decisions and action.

[OWoman]

I just want to know if anyone has ever got a D and later got back involved with x H or W.

 

Liz Taylor & Dick Burton.

[Lizzie60]

this reminds me of a friend of a friend...

 

He had an A... thought he was in love with the OW.. told his friend (my friend) that he wanted to leave his W and move with the OW...

 

My friend told him to leave his wife for now.. not telling her about the A... move ALONE in a small apart.. and then go from there... but NOT to move with the OW right away.

 

He didn't follow his advice.. told his W about the A and that he was moving with the OW...

 

She was devastated...

 

Three days later (after he moved with the OW) he realized that he made a big mistake.. that he wanted his W...

 

Well guess what? His W told him to go f*ck himself... she didn't take him back...

 

Not very long after, she found a new guy... never took her H back...

 

He should have listened to his friend (my friend).. he would probably still be with his W...

[laptop2009]

I never slept with the ow while i was married that was not what i was looking for. I kissed her a few times but that was as phisical as it got.

 

I didnt have sex with ow until after wife and i split up,i will soon tell her i want out nothing to do with her at all.

 

If after you split with your wife, you got your own place and end all contact with OW and NOT SLEEPING with OW, you would be home now, happily married to your wife and be there with your intact family instead of being labeled as this adulterer/cheater who cheated on his wife with a homewrecker.

 

Don't you think it's very selfish on your part to just want to get back with your wife? Even consider what's best for her? To be back with a H who cheated on her and live with all these constant reminders when certain dates come up or when certain event happens or move on to someone who has never betrayed her before and start fresh?

 

If you really love your wife, stop focusing on YOURSELF and what you want and what's best for you. Think for a second what's best for her for once, would you?

[John Who]

My wife does not hate me,you guys are acting like once you cheat thats it no more chances.

 

What you guys seem to be saying is once a cheat always a cheat,i disagree.

 

Another thing i did not move in with ow right after my wife threw me out, i was alone for about a month well i don't even remeber ow moving in she just started bringing more things over.

 

I just don't get most of you guys,you are saying that because i cheated i no longer really love my wife or vise versa.

 

I f my wife cheated on me i would take her back..WHY... because i LOVE her and i believe our love is worth another shot.

 

Hell for all i know she was cheating on me also,im telling you we never showed affection towards one another no kissing hugging,no i love you no love talk,how do i know she wasnt getting all that from another guy.

 

If she was i dont blame her and i would forgive her and take her back.

 

I think she may still feel the same way about me,we just get along so well now,we joke with each other laugh we talk everyday,this is how we were when we first got together,i thought she changed i thought she wasnt the person i married,i was wrong she was always the same person i met i just did not put more into it to keep her around.

[laptop2009]

So, what are you waiting for? Dump that homewrecker and pursue your ex-wife ( I assume the divorce has been finalized, right?). Don't persue your wife while you're still with the OW. Completely be done with OW first, before you make any move on your ex-wife.

 

If you don't want to be with the OW, don't you think it's to your and her benefit to let her go now instead of next week, next month, or next year?

[Curmudgeon]

My wife does not hate me,you guys are acting like once you cheat thats it no more chances.

 

What you guys seem to be saying is once a cheat always a cheat,i disagree.

 

Another thing i did not move in with ow right after my wife threw me out, i was alone for about a month well i don't even remeber ow moving in she just started bringing more things over.

 

I just don't get most of you guys,you are saying that because i cheated i no longer really love my wife or vise versa.

 

I f my wife cheated on me i would take her back..WHY... because i LOVE her and i believe our love is worth another shot.

 

Hell for all i know she was cheating on me also,im telling you we never showed affection towards one another no kissing hugging,no i love you no love talk,how do i know she wasnt getting all that from another guy.

 

If she was i dont blame her and i would forgive her and take her back.

 

I think she may still feel the same way about me,we just get along so well now,we joke with each other laugh we talk everyday,this is how we were when we first got together,i thought she changed i thought she wasnt the person i married,i was wrong she was always the same person i met i just did not put more into it to keep her around.

 

You're changing focus about as often as I change my socks.

 

First you're a loving husband who made a mistake. Then you're a loser who had an afair and got divorced. Next you're a man with needs whose former wife wasn't affectionate towards him. Up to the surface bubbles the guy living with his OW. He's followed by the guy who never had sex with his OW until after his wife threw him out but then again, he told her he was having an affair so she would naturally assume sex was involved. Now the evil, wicked, mean. bad and nasty OW moved in on you and you didn't even know it until she was there. But you love your wife and always have.

 

In one breath you're a pimple on the ass of mankind and in the next you're a wronged soul whose former wife should give him another chance; especially because she may have been having an affair, although there's no proof and you just brought it up. But if she she was, you'd certainly give her another chance because you love her. And with all this love and soul-searching and justification and mitigation going on, you're STILL LIVING WITH THE OW! But she isn't really an OW because you're divorced and maybe she never really was because you didn't sleep with her until after your meanie of a wife threw you out!

 

Excedrin Headache #49!

[laptop2009]

Curmudgeon, impressive!

[tinke]

ok, I'm saying it.....once a cheater, always a cheater!

don't you see, you've crossed the line.

no one pushed you, forced you, you chose to cross and be with another.

if you were capable of disloyalty once, why not again? where would all these newfound scruples come from?

 

don't mean to sound crude, but it is what it is. from a woman's point of view, that pain does not dissolve quickly, if at all. (sorry)

Edited March 3, 2008 by tinke

[John Who]

Oh man you guys are something else,your minds are made and thats it,its kinda like if a person were a drug abuser and got sober and changed,WTF are you going to throw it in the persons face for life,nope once a junkie always a junkie.

 

PEOPLE change we make mistakes bad choices we are human fuc_.

 

You guys see things how you want to see them i dont know if my wife cheated on me i never said she did i said she could have.

 

Of course her needs were not being met,couples fall in and out of love all the time.

 

Yeah i had a affair,no i did not sleep with the ow,dont you guys fuc_ing get it i was'nt looking for a fuc_,i was looking for attention quality time affection this is what i was lacking at home,so of course my wife wasnt getting it from me either.

 

I told her about everything she didnt want to hear me anymore,in her eyes it was done.

 

No matter what i will try and win my wife back,i have nothing to lose.atleast i tried right

[smartgirl]

Haven't read all the posts, but...

 

To answer one of your first questions - people can and do get remarried after being divorced for a period of time. I personally know three couples who were divorced for some number of years and then got remarried. One couple had married others, one had a child and then both divorced. The H started calling to talk and then asked to see her. He had to do some wooing and he had to make some changes from the first time around. But they have been enormously happy for 15 years now.

 

If you want to try this you can't stay with the OW who you don't want to be with anyway. It makes you look like a liar and a cheat -- which you have been. You have to change and show your wife you have changed.

 

To do that you have to break up cleanly and completely with OW. No dates, no sex, no calls.

 

Find a place and live ALONE. No nookie calls with OW and don't expect ex-W to take you right back. Show some independence and growth here.

 

Then start taking your child more often and becoming more involved in his/her life.

 

Then plan some family dinners. Sometimes YOU do the cooking.

 

Then ask your ex-W out on a date. Do not expect sex or initiate sex.

 

Then have more dates. Do not ask to be taken back until you have been dating for some time and have a sense about how she feels about you.

 

REMEMBER - you should not expect to just move back in. You have to start from scratch here and woo her like you just met. She has to learn to trust you again and find out who you are now because who you have recently is nothing to be proud of.

 

Take what I have said seriously. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and concentrate on what you can do for your ex-W and your child.

 

IF she does not want you back you will still be better off for having broken off with OW, lived alone and shown some maturity in your relationship with ex-W and child.

[Lovelybird]

Hi, if you dedicate to win your wife back, you might get chance. But first you have to leave OW. You asked if you can get your wife back? well, nobody knows, but there are good steps in these replies you can take.

 

I am guessing your wife wants you to be sure what you want. she maybe fear that you will feel fall in love with the one that you cannot be with (when you with wife, you love ow; when you with ow, you love wife), so the only way to know is that you leave ow, and stay alone for a while. Yes, there is risk, and that is what your wife wants to see if she still loves you: if you are willing to risk your own comfort zone to win her back. and if you cannot even make a decision to leave ow, what can your wife expect? being hurt again? being intangled in mud again? so first

 

1. make a decision to leave ow as soon as you can, then stick with it, no more mud, mud only feed your wife more fears and more resistance to take you back. The possible way to win her back is to feed her security and genuine love

2. you have to figure out what you want, your wife or ow

3. read some good books to understand woman and communication, there are tons of those books, attend seminars that how to communicate in a good marriage, attend marriage improving meetings (if possible invite your wife to go with you, a woman loves to see a man dedicate himself to build a future with her), and many churches have these kind of meetings

 

even if you cannot win your wife back, at least you will have clearer picture how you will be a good husband in future.

[John Who]

Yeah i have been doing alot of reading on women trying to understand them i reed this book a few months ago it was the 5 love languages.

 

My love language was quality time and words of affirmation,i had my wife read the book also it's funny but her love language was the same as mine.

 

And during our marriage we were not giving one another quality time or words of affirmation.

[Lovelybird]

Yeah i have been doing alot of reading on women trying to understand them i reed this book a few months ago it was the 5 love languages.

 

My love language was quality time and words of affirmation,i had my wife read the book also it's funny but her love language was the same as mine.

 

And during our marriage we were not giving one another quality time or words of affirmation.

Good start

 

seems like the most important thing you need to do now is showing wife how much you dedicate to rebuild marriage--break up with ow if this is what you want.

 

A man can make a decision and stick to it, is definitely manly and attractive