Made a bad choice in D wife for OW..i want to go back home

[smartgirl]

Also try Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. It isn't just about sex. It is about better understanding that what you want probably isn't the same as what a person of the opposite sex wants. There are perceptual differences that can prevent us from understanding with our SO really needs and what the best way is of giving it to them. It actually helped me understand my own needs better.

[whichwayisup]

End your relationship with the OW, work on yourself. Read books, do counselling, learn how to communicate, understand yourself - Make you a better man. Maybe in time if your wife sees alot of positive changes in you she'll want to give you a chance to make it right again, to gain her trust and faith in you, enough to want to be together again as a family under one roof. BUT, don't just end with the OW and go running to your wife telling you want her back...Take your time. Let your wife see that you put fixing yourself FIRST, before rushing off to try to win her back. Make sense?

[John Who]

Another thing i don't understand about my wife when i tell her how i was a asshol_ and how sorry i am for hurting her or even when i tell her that shes beautiful and how i have always thought she was beautiful,she gets teary eyed.

 

Now i understand why she may get hurt when i try to apologize,it brings back bad memories i guess,but i dont understand why she will get teary eyed when i tell her shes beautiful and i have always thought she was beautiful,another example i was talking to her over the phone last week and i started to sing a song to her it was this song from maroon 5 the song is called wont go home without you.

 

That song reminds me of my wife,well i was singing it to her over the phone and i could tell she was crying she just changed the subject and mentioned somethig else.

 

Why do things like this make her cry,could it be that she is still in love with me ?

[whichwayisup]

You hurt her and she probably remembers the times you loved her, adored her, only had eyes for her and then you chose to cheat on her. EMOTIONALLY with another woman, that hurt your wife deeply. I think her tears are of pain and yes, her love for you. BUT, you need to stop saying that stuff to her as it's putting her in spot. Stop tring to woo her. She won't even entertain thoughts of getting back with you as long as you're with the OW. I mean, right now you're cheating on the OW with your wife! And, your wife KNOWS this, she experienced it first.

 

The patterns and your behaviour is repeating, can you see that? Things with the OW aren't what you thought and instead of ending it first, you're running off to your ex-wife. JUST like when life at home with your wife wasn't what you wanted it to be, instead of talking about it, fixing it, you ran off to be with another woman. See the pattern? Your ex sees this too!

 

END it with the OW, fix yourself, do that counselling and THEN pursue your wife.

[John Who]

Yeah i told myself i need to stop those comments.

 

I will end it with ow like i have said everytime i mention it to ow she starts acting crazy,you know she starts throwing things in my face making me feel bad and sorry for her.

 

OW knows i don't love her.

 

Well yeah i spend alot of time with my wife,i have never kissed her or tried to even kiss her she has no idea that i still love her,well she might have an idea.

 

We email each other talk over the phone i go visit my family after work everyday.

 

When my wife goes out i watch our child,im very involved with my family.

 

My wife and i ahve great talk it's just once in awhile i get carried away and say that shes beautiful or sing to her,i have always sang to her every since we been together.

 

I do want to be a better man for my wife and a better father for my child.

[Lovelybird]

Another thing i don't understand about my wife when i tell her how i was a asshol_ and how sorry i am for hurting her or even when i tell her that shes beautiful and how i have always thought she was beautiful,she gets teary eyed.

 

Now i understand why she may get hurt when i try to apologize,it brings back bad memories i guess,but i dont understand why she will get teary eyed when i tell her shes beautiful and i have always thought she was beautiful,another example i was talking to her over the phone last week and i started to sing a song to her it was this song from maroon 5 the song is called wont go home without you.

 

That song reminds me of my wife,well i was singing it to her over the phone and i could tell she was crying she just changed the subject and mentioned somethig else.

 

Why do things like this make her cry,could it be that she is still in love with me ?

she might cry for the hurt, she might miss you, who knows, ask her after you leave ow

 

Do you feel that you are only loved by woman who shed tears for you? you like to see woman being hurt so that you can ensure they love you? if you have this mindset, it is destined to fail. and this is selfish mindset, has lots to do with fear, nothing to do with love. If you love, you seek give, give her security, give her love, give her commitment, try your best not to cause pain for her.....

 

and if your love tank so few that you manipulate others to get love, it will not produce good love life, it only produce confusion, hurt, power struggle, codependant and failure

 

ok, now the first step for you is to learn HOW TO LOVE:p, when you learn that, you have a chance for a good fulfilling love life

Edited March 3, 2008 by Lovelybird

[whichwayisup]

Then you need to move out and not let the OW manipulate you into staying by pulling crying and making you feel bad. If you want to change your life, take the first step. Tell OW it's over, and go. The longer you put that off, the more the OW will hang onto you in hopes she'll change your mind - Or continue to emotionally blackmail you into staying. Grow a pair and just do what you need to do, buddy! You don't have to have an all out war with your OW, just do it respectfully and go.

[laptop2009]

I am going to write this again:

 

So, what are you waiting for? Dump that homewrecker and pursue your ex-wife ( I assume the divorce has been finalized, right?). Don't persue your wife while you're still with the OW. Completely be done with OW first, before you make any move on your ex-wife.

 

If you don't want to be with the OW, don't you think it's to your and her benefit to let her go now instead of next week, next month, or next year?

[norajane]

i dont understand why she will get teary eyed when i tell her shes beautiful

 

It makes her cry because you left her for another woman, and you're still with the other woman, so when you tell her she's beautiful, she gets sad because your words don't mean sh*t. Actions do. And your actions are showing her that you are still with the other woman you left her for.

 

I will end it with ow like i have said everytime i mention it to ow she starts acting crazy,you know she starts throwing things in my face making me feel bad and sorry for her.

If you aren't man enough to end things with your live in gf, you aren't man enough to get your wife back. It's that simple, dude. It starts and ends there.

[tinke]

no need to get defensive, if you are posting on a public forum, please try to be open-minded to ALL views.

as i said, you had crossed the line, whether it be emotional or otherwise. that action had hurt your wife deeply (i would guess), hence the tears when you speak tender words to her.

 

well quite frankly, yes, an addict is an addict forever. (your comparison) not to say one cannot change, but it will take a very heightened awareness and forthright effort to make changes and to keep them.

 

i am not at all saying you are a horrible person, i am assuming in your wife's view that there is much hurt, and that pain of betrayal tends to linger. for most, that underlying fear of...will it happen again, tends to keep in the mind and adds to distance.

 

not to say that things may never change/subside, but....it's the actions that matter.

words are cheap, and i am sure she is not very trusting of you right now.

your actions (with the ow) is a contradiction of your words.

 

keep in mind, when mistrust is involved...it's the actual doing..the actions that one usually will judge upon.

[rgiles]

You can leave your girlfriend.......she'll be fine....she'll just go steal someone else's husband.....and for your wife..... your lucky if she takes you back.....she's testing you right now to see just how sorry you are......you better kiss the ground she walks on and hope for the best.....next time....dont jump pastures just cuz things arent going right.....find out what the problem is and fix it......men are always ready to cheat over the slightest thing......the truth is the grass is usually NOT greener on the other side......

[OWoman]

Perhaps your xW is crying because she doesn't want to be an OW and feels insulted by your attempts to turn her into one.

[justice]

John, the first thing you need to do is get rid of the OW and start working really hard on yourself. The lies have to stop completely. It may still not work out for you with your ex wife. You must know and understand that. I'm in your ex's position right now. My xhusband after nearly two years of divorce and his affairs is still coming round trying to get me back. What he did in breaking our vows hurt me to the core and I have no intention of taking him back no matter how much he begs, cries and pleads. He hasn't fully worked on himself yet and well..I just won't ever go back with him after what he did to me. When you cheat, you make a choice. You chose your ow over your wife and the bottom line is that cheating is never going to be ok with the one being cheated on if they truly believe and love their spouse. My advice to you? Get rid of the OW right now and start building a relationship with the true you before you ever even think about getting together with anyone, your ex included.

[John Who]

Well here's the latest this morning i told the ow that when i got back from work we needed to have a serious talk.

 

She right away got offended was demanding i tell her what i neded to say,i told her it's to early im on my way to work and it's alot of things that need to be said.

 

She continued to bit-h and complain,she said does it have anything to do with your bit-h ass ex wife,i said it has nothing to do with her.

 

She continued to complain and i just told her i said look you know that i have been telling you for so long already that this whole thing was a mistake i am sorry for ever getting involved with you,but you are not who i want,and you never were who i wanted i fooled myself in thinking you were someone else,this whole relationship needs to end today,and i'm sorry for bringing you in this situation.

 

She laughed and called me all kinds of names,but she left went off to work.

 

So i get a call about a hour ago it's the ow she tells me she had just had it out with my wife over the phone.

 

She said i called her to tell her what i think of her and to make she she is reminded what a cheating no good basta-d you are.

 

She was accusing my wife of sleeping with me and flirting with me on purpose,and just telling my wife all kinds of put downs,how she can't keep a man and thats why she has not been in a relationship since the divorce.

 

I was so furious with her for doing this,that kind of sh-t is something she would do.

 

I told ow you know that i have been telling you for along time already that this whole thing was a mistake.

 

my wife has'nt even so much as hugged me for the past 2 yrs.

 

Right now im just worried about how my wife feels about this,she didnt call me to let me know that ow called her,could she be angry right now is that why she has not called.

 

Should i call her and see how she is or should i just wait and let her call me?

[John Who]

You know this is exactly what i did'nt want i knew she would do this.

 

I did not want to tell her this way i wanted to do it after work and calm her down so she would not do something so dumb like this.

 

She just kept pushing and pushing for me to tell her,so when i told her i know i told her rude which was'nt a good idea.

[Kasan]

Sorry if this going to sound harsh--but way too much drama here. If you are serious about trying to reconcile with your wife, then you leave your OW.

 

How can you possibly expect your wife to take you seriously if you are still living with your OW? On top of this your OW is harassing your wife?

 

You know what you have to do to make this right......

 

Good luck!

[norajane]

You know this is exactly what i did'nt want i knew she would do this.

 

I did not want to tell her this way i wanted to do it after work and calm her down so she would not do something so dumb like this.

 

She just kept pushing and pushing for me to tell her,so when i told her i know i told her rude which was'nt a good idea.

 

Why in the world would you tell her 'we need to talk later' when you KNEW she would push you for information on what you wanted to talk about? Why didn't you just wait until after work and HAVE the conversation?

 

You could have waited until you were both alone at home this evening, and asked her whether she was happy in the relationship and whether she really believed the two of you were good together. Regardless of what she answered, you could have then told her that you did not see things working out between you and it was time for her to move out.

 

I never understand why people always do the "we need to talk" crap. Did you really expect her to say, ok, and go on her merry way at work?

[SeraBella]

 

I never understand why people always do the "we need to talk" crap. Did you really expect her to say, ok, and go on her merry way at work?

 

Nothing makes me more tense than hearing "We need to talk...", "I have to tell you something...", "I have to be honest with you...", etc. And if I didn't hear the rest of the statement in the next minute I'd probably implode.

[John Who]

Ok im starting to get kinda worried here my wife has not called me to tell me about the argument with ow.

 

Should i wait for her to call me to tell me how she is doing or do i call her?

 

It's not like her to not call me,when she is annoyed about something she usually emails me or calls me up to tell me about it.

 

Why would she not call to tell me about this?

[sb129]

Ok im starting to get kinda worried here my wife has not called me to tell me about the argument with ow.

 

Should i wait for her to call me to tell me how she is doing or do i call her?

 

It's not like her to not call me,when she is annoyed about something she usually emails me or calls me up to tell me about it.

 

Why would she not call to tell me about this?

 

Because she doesn't have to. Maybe she doesn't care too much about the woman who stole her exH? Just a guess. Or MAYBE she respects the fact that your R with your GF is nothing to do with her??

She isn't your wife any more, and she probably doesn't want to get involved in anything between you and your GF. If I was her, I certainly wouldn't.

She involves you in her life because you are the father of her child, but anything additional to that is a bonus.

 

Man, you need to stop seeing things from your own perspective.

[nickilovespookie]

I didn't read every single post here but I would like to give you some advice. Definitely cut the OW off. If you truly want to get back with your wife, cut OW off. It's the only way. Maybe you're wife will take you back, maybe she won't. Maybe she secretly wants you back already but won't admit it because she knows you're still hiding the OW. Before you can pursue anything with wife, cut the other chick off. Your wife sounds like a nice lady and I think you have a chance. After all, if you didn't, you wouldn't play games on the internet (or whatever) together and she wouldn't allow you to come over.

 

I can tell you do love your wife, or you've just convinced me that you do. Do you really love your wife or do you love her because the chase is over?

 

Be honest with yourself 1st (easier said than done), I'm in a predicament myself.

[John Who]

I have never been more sure I LOVE HER.

 

I have always loved her,we just grew apart,but that does not mean we can't find our way back together.

 

I have known her since i was 13 and the first time we met i said to myself i don't know what it is about her but i'm gonna end up with her,now i was ONLY 13 when this came into my mind.

 

I did not pursue her i never even mentioned that thought to her actually after that thought came into my mind,i never thought of it again.

 

We became friends from 13 to19 we were just only friends no flirting nothing like that,just real good friends almost even like best friends.

 

Then all of a sudden things changed she moved from the same city we lived in and i said i can't let her go,i have to confess how i feel about her.

 

Well here we are 14 yr's later and all my fu-k up's.

 

What hurts me is i remember telling her when i was 19 that i would never hurt her,and she reminded me of that when she found out of the A and it crushed me and it still does when i think about it i know i failed her,but i do want another chance with her to make up for everything.

[nickilovespookie]

You should suggest going to couples counseling. She will appreciate that. Like I said, end it with the OW completely. It will be hard (or maybe not) but it has to be done otherwise, you'll really fuc* it up in the end.

 

It sounds to me like you belong together, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you she deserves someone better and to let her go. I would have to say, if you love her, you will do whatever it takes and it certainly sounds like you do.

[redfathom]

Someone may have already said this, but you're cheating on your GF (who was the OW you cheated on your wife with) with your wife. You are having an EA with your ex-wife whom you cheated on. Leave your GF, and forget about your ex-wife for a bit. You can't take care of someone else when you can't even take care of yourself. You want your wife because you NEED someone to take care of you.

[John Who]

I don't understand how i am having a EA with my wife,we have a child togther,and we still get along.

 

It was not always like this after we split she could not even be around me,but it was affecting our child.

 

I know some of you guys think i may be confussed and im flip flopping but believe me im not i know exactly what i want.