Made a bad choice in D wife for OW..i want to go back home

[norajane]

I don't understand how i am having a EA with my wife,we have a child togther,and we still get along.

 

It was not always like this after we split she could not even be around me,but it was affecting our child.

 

I know some of you guys think i may be confussed and im flip flopping but believe me im not i know exactly what i want.

 

Are you not emotionally involved with your ex wife? Do you not love her? Do you not look forward to every moment with her? Do you not look forward to every phone conversation and every email with your wife? Do you not tell your wife how beautiful she is?

 

Yes, you do. And you have been doing all this with her while all along having your gf living with you. Thus, you are emotionally cheating on your gf.

 

Your live in gf has a right to expect that you are not emotionally involved with someone else, even if she is your ex wife. You cheated on her whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. You certainly have not been honest about your feelings for your wife to your gf, have you?

 

 

Believe me, your ex wife sees what you are now doing to your gf. And it is plain to her that you are STILL a cheater, only now you are sneaking around behind your gf's back and deceiving your gf about your relationship and feelings for your wife.

[Deanster]

Dude - this is so simple, it's crazy.

 

Call your ex-wife. Apologize that things are messy, and let her know you'll be in touch in a couple weeks, once you have things in your life straightened out.

 

Leave your girlfriend. Do it quickly, clearly, and decisively. No sex, no chance for her to get pregnant, no nothing. Move out NOW. Take your stuff, split up any mutual stuff this week, and then NO CONTACT. Ever. NEVER.

 

Once you have a new place to live on your own, and have firmly rid yourself of your GF, call your ex-wife back, and explain that you'd like to work on yourself, your relationship with her, and attempt to earn her trust back. You understand that this is going to be a long and painful process, but you'd like to find a way to be back in her life more fully.

 

You can't ever go back exactly as you were. You need to CREATE a new relationship with your ex, and build something that can work.

 

People do it all the time, but it takes a willingness to admit you were wrong, a willingness to be SINGLE while you're working on it, and the understanding that trust takes a very long time to build, and a very short time to destroy. You've got a crapload of building to do.

 

Sack up, do what you need to do, and good luck!

[John Who]

As of Monday the ow is gone,i feel like a LOAD has been taken off my back.

 

I do feel bad that i dragged her into this,i don't love the ow and i'm soooo glad she is gone.

 

I know ow so well,i know she is going to try and stir up some drama.

 

My wife has been avoiding me since ow called her on Monday morning,when i pick up my child from school she now has me drop off our child at her mother's house.

 

She has not been online,she has'nt emailed me or called me her mother called me to tell me to start droppng off our child at her house after school.

 

I take it that she is mad at me since ow called her,i'm not sure why she would be mad at me unless ow told her a lie just to hurt her,i would'nt put it past ow.

 

I am thinking of calling her soon,is that a good idea?

[whichwayisup]

You don't understand why your wife would also be upset and mad at you since YOUR OW called her? Come on John...Think. Empathize, and sympathize with what your wife probably is feeling...Then maybe you'll understand WHY she's pissed off at you. YOU brought this crap into her life. You cheated on her, left her, divorced her to be with another woman. Now the OW called her (also, your ex doesn't know that you're ending with the OW, right? Well, she does now since that call) probably harrassed and upset her.

 

I'm not sure if you should give her some space or call her right now.

[sb129]

Give her space- she clearly wants it from her actions.

 

IF there is a chance for you two to get back together, you have to let her sit in the driving seat John, its only fair.

[Deanster]

You need to call. Your mess inserted itself back into her life when your girlfriend called your ex-wife to spew her poison.

 

Who knows what your girlfriend said... but you can bet your life that it was whatever she thought was most likely to keep the two of you apart. Probably pretty horrible.

 

Get your life together. Make clear and thoughtful decisions. Take responsibility for your choices and their consequences. Demonstrate to your ex-wife that you're a better person than the loser who hooked up with this raving lunatic who called her to spew hatred.

 

You have a long, hard path in front of you, but I'd actually say your chances of winning your ex-wife back are pretty good, if you are really ready to do the work and take the ownership of everything that happened.

[John Who]

I don't know everything that ow told her all i know is what little info ow told me.

 

She said she called wife went off on her told her how she can't keep a man thats why she has not been a real relationship since D she told her she reminded her that i was alying cheat,she told her she was a who-e and said that she has probably been giving me sexual favor's this whole time.

 

I know from ow my wife told ow that they are two different women she said unlike you i have respect for myself,if he would have tried to put a move on me sexually i would have turned him down and sent him home to you,something you should have did to him when we were M.

 

That burned up ow,i did not divorce my wife to be with ow my wife wanted to divorce me i wanted to stay married toher i wanted to work on things she did not want to.

 

I just want to talk to my wife and see if she is ok,i want toknow if ow told her lies about me so that my wife can be mad with me.

 

I do want to give her the space,it's just at the same time i want to know if she is ok.

[TechDude]

That burned up ow,i did not divorce my wife to be with ow my wife wanted to divorce me i wanted to stay married toher i wanted to work on things she did not want to.

You still don't that your ex had every right to be upset that you had an OW? Whether you slept with the OW or not does not really matter. I guess she felt she could not trust you and that it was over. You betrayed her.

 

Yes, it should burn you up. You may not have wanted the divorce, but you created the problem that led to it. From what we have read in this thread, you have some growing up to to. Maybe it was your attitude to the whole business that your ex had had enough of.

 

I just want to talk to my wife and see if she is ok,

If you feel you have to call, focus on 2 things only.

 

1. You are concerned for your ex and that the OW may have upset her. You could mention that you are impressed by your ex's response to the OW.

 

2. Tell her you will be by yourself getting your life back together ... learning to be single. Don't discuss getting back together

 

i want toknow if ow told her lies about me so that my wife can be mad with me.

Don't go there. You still don't get it, do you. Stop thinking about yourself. You ex sounds smart enough to know the truth from lies. I think you need to trust that she is grown up enough to deal with it.

 

I do want to give her the space,it's just at the same time i want to know if she is ok.

Then make sure you only talk about her and not yourself or what the OW might have said about you.

[Elena62]

I don't know everything that ow told her all i know is what little info ow told me.

 

She said she called wife went off on her told her how she can't keep a man thats why she has not been a real relationship since D she told her she reminded her that i was alying cheat,she told her she was a who-e and said that she has probably been giving me sexual favor's this whole time.

 

I know from ow my wife told ow that they are two different women she said unlike you i have respect for myself,if he would have tried to put a move on me sexually i would have turned him down and sent him home to you,something you should have did to him when we were M.

 

That burned up ow,i did not divorce my wife to be with ow my wife wanted to divorce me i wanted to stay married toher i wanted to work on things she did not want to.

 

I just want to talk to my wife and see if she is ok,i want toknow if ow told her lies about me so that my wife can be mad with me.

 

I do want to give her the space,it's just at the same time i want to know if she is ok.

 

So now you have two women fighting and it's doing your ego the world of good, right?

 

For one thing, that lady is not your wife, she's your EX. Your OW is your GF, and you have treated them both with such a huge amount of disrespect. You've hurt two people, and for what?

 

Isn't it time, instead of bashing OW (as you so like to call your GF) that you actually acknowledge that you are totally to blame for all the drama in your life?

 

The reason why you told your GF on the phone you wanted to talk to her later is that you knew, deep inside yourself, what your relationship dynamics were all about and you knew your GF would flip. Giving you even more reason to leave her in an angry way and painting her as a harlot. Do you feel guilt free, yet?

 

In the end, your GF is the crazy one? When she's probably just another human being that got mixed up with someone she thought actually loved her.

 

People do insane things when they think it's love. I did. I thought I loved my H when he went out and had EA and f@*ked other women. OW that has been involved in his life has also called me and said some crazy stuff.

 

I rose above all the rubbish!

 

Now, I'm legally separated and I have respect for myself and there is no way I would ever take my H back (even though I still love him). Maybe your wife needs to tell you to get real Mister! It's YOU that needs some tough love.

 

You've screw*d around with peoples lives, and to try and blame your GF and paint all men as if they think OW are a piece of c*@p is dismal behaviour on your part.

 

Not all men think that of other women, only ones that are on the take and full of s*@t.

 

Grow up, sort yourself out and be a decent man. Instead of going for things you can't have and stamping your feet when you can't have it like you want it.

 

If you really do love your Ex-Wife, then prove it. By showing yourself some SELF respect first, and her, and your family. Instead of being so negative and trying to undermine women and their emotions.

 

I feel sorry for your GF, she must be hurting so bad right now. don't f@*k up her life too, show her at least a little bit of respect - even though you don't think she deserves it, she does, because she's a human being. I also feel sorry for your Ex-wife. She didn't ask for any of this crap. She's the mother of your children, show her some god-damn respect, too - she's human as well.

 

(Sorry for the rant, but you remind me so much of my H and his attitude, and it sucks!)

 

And yes, I do feel sorry for you, as well - love is not easy. But please, find some kindness in your heart, search for it before it's too late and you end up with nothing.

[jmargel]

John.. right now to your wife your words are meaningless. Meaning that at some point in time there is a good chance that you will go back to your old ways. That your immaturity is showing.

 

Nothing you can say to your wife will make her change her mind to this. What you need to do is start working on yourself, and when you do this your ex-wife will see this. The best and fastest way to achieve this is to goto counseling, and let her know you are going.. Invite her, however if she doesn't want to go, that's fine. Actually I would give her what she asks for (which is space) and let her mother know.

 

Remember this is all about your wife now. If you truly love her, you will follow her wishes. There are no hidden meaning by what she says, take everything at face value. If she wants space, give it to her, if she wants to talk, LISTEN to her. When she decides to talk the BEST thing to say in response is 'I understand', because it will lower down her defense mechanism and allow her to open up more. You need to bite your tongue when she talks about how much you disappointed her. You need to stop with the 'Im sorry'. She doesn't want that.

 

You also need to break away from the 'gaming' and start interacting in the real world. Start working out, get a hobby, find new friends. You need to enjoy life and start contributing to society. You need to start making changes within yourself before your ex-wife considers you back. If you were to go back now to her, it wouldn't last. You need that substance to fall back on when things get rough, by doing what I suggested you would be able to do this.

 

There is no guarantee your wife will come back even after all my suggestions, but it will allow you to mature and value your friends and family more.

[John Who]

Well it's kind of hard to remove myself from xbox live it's addicting.

 

But i do see your point,i have thought about seeing help.

 

You know it may not be obvious,but i know the reason why i strayed away from my wife.

 

I know i took the easy way out,i should have sat down with her and told her i felt neglected,i felt she did not love me,we did not have real conversation.

 

I did not realize until towards the end of the R that she felt the same way also,and i failed to give her the affection and attention she wanted.

 

Why could'nt we tell each other this,before getting involved we were great friends told each other everything,and now so many yrs later.you would think we would be closer but i could'nt say "i miss you and i want to get to know you again".

 

I missed her,but i seen her everyday.

 

I will give her the space she wants,i know she know's i love her still.

 

I just think she is scared that i will do it again,which i don't blame her.

 

I still have not spoke to her.

 

I will be changing my cell # because ow keeps calling me.

 

I asked her if she is still calling mt wife she said why do you care.

 

Then she laughed at me saying i'm crying over a woman who doe not even want to be with me,she said i need to let her go.

 

OW also said my wife never loved me and was looking for a way out because she never gave our M a chance after the EA.

 

She said your wife left so fast most M people would try and work things out if it was only a EA and she did not care she left,that says she wanted a way out and most likely never loved you.

 

I have never been one to bite my tongue,but i did this time because i did not want to piss her off anymore,because ne telling what she might do if i did .

[underpants]

Some people just can't be alone.

 

Your experience reads as someone who transitioned from your wife to the ow then (all the while) kept a door ajar to the wife. Now you want to transition back to your ex wife while the ex ow is still in contact.

 

The best thing you could do is to take some time away from both and figure out who you are and what you want. If counciling could help you with that then try it out.

 

Spinning between 2 women will get you no where. You may very well wind up with neither.

 

You know your ex wife is okay. You don't need to call her.

[John Who]

I don't want to be with ow at all,im not with her she keeps calling which is why i am changing my number.

 

I have felt alone for the past 2 yrs.

 

OW and i have not been together for the whole 2yrs.

 

OW was a mistake i have tried to get her out the picyure for a long time.

 

See about a yr and a half ago ow came to me told me she was pregnent,so even though i did not want to be with her i allowed her to move in with me.

 

Four months into pregnacy she said she lost the baby,she said she lost it due to stress that i put her through.

 

She was in another country when this happen she went with her cousin's to cancun for a little summer vacation.

 

She always held this over my head trying to make me feel guilty telling me i did not want a child with her,telling me she thinks i'm happy that this happen to her.

 

She knew the only reason i had her there was because she was pregnent.

 

When i questioned her she hit the roof,she never showed me proof that she lost the baby,just a hospital wrist band and discharge papers from a hospital in mexico.

 

Nothing in the papers saying anything about being pregnent.

 

So i just let it go,she has always tried to make me feel guilty ever time i mentioned to her that she needed to go on her own already.

 

I guess this is my punishment for having a EA on my wife right?

[Jackson2008]

OW and i have not been together for the whole 2yrs.

 

Do you expect us or your ex-wife to believe that for the past 2 years while living under the same roof as the OW, you never slept with her?

[Phateless]

You need to break up with the OW and be steady on your own. I think you need some time for introspection and to actually learn something from all of this.

[John Who]

Ok hear it is again I had an EA on my wife foe several months,never slept with ow WHILE i was M.

 

As i said sex was not what i was looking for i was lacking affection conversation,attention from my wife.

 

I have always been attracted to my wife never went away we have always had a great sex life.

 

Ok so i confess of the A wife did not give a damn that it was only a ea she threw me out filed for D.

 

I wanted to work things out but she was not having it.

 

Ok so i was single for maybe about a month,ow came back into the picture,a few weeks after coming back into the picture we had sex,she was not suppose to stay in the picture,BUT things happened and she turned out to be more than a handful.

 

She is out of the picture now i have changed my number,wife still has no contact with me,and not sure if she ever will want to,because i'm sure when the ow spoke with her she made sure of it.

[Phateless]

Well all you can really do is give it time and work on yourself... The EA vs. sex etc... all that makes no difference, it's just rationalization. Being single and having your head clear changes everything. I went through an EA right before my ex broke up with me (was with her 5 years) and I've been single for a year and a half now and I can't tell you how much things have changed for me.

 

You say your ex-w won't talk to you yet you also said you call her every day? I'm confused. Maybe giving her space is a good idea, and taking a mature, non-needy approach to this is the answer. Once you are satisfied with yourself and ok being single, it's a lot easier for people to believe why you love them.

[Lookingforward]

You say your ex-w won't talk to you yet you also said you call her every day? I'm confused. Maybe giving her space is a good idea, and taking a mature, non-needy approach to this is the answer. Once you are satisfied with yourself and ok being single, it's a lot easier for people to believe why you love them.

 

They have children so they talk, but I think John means won't talk about 'them'.

 

John needs some 'me space' you're right - time to settle down and think about what kind of man he is that can throw away a M for someone he didn't care about much less love or respect, even though from his posts over on the OW/OM forum he makes it sound like it was all the OWs fault.

 

If I was his exW I wouldn't be interested in resuming the relationship either at this point.

[Jackson2008]

John, how long have you been seperated from your wife?

 

How old are your kids? Can you make some excuse to call your wife with regard to the kids?

[John Who]

We have been divorced for 2yr's.

 

We have one child,he is six,my wife is only communicating with me through her mother,just simple things like when and where to pick our son up.

 

If she wanted to talk to me and if she were not mad with me she would have called me,we had a great relationship after the divorce.

 

During these past 2 yrs it's like we got to know each other again,of course nothing intimate has happen,not even close.

 

I guess all i can do is just wait until she is ready to call me.

 

But I have to say i am tempted to call her.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

My ow does not know how often i see my wife,if she did she would be furious...

Well isn't that too bad that your OW doesn't "like" you having contact with your ex-wife? She certainly didn't afford your wife any respect at all when she was sneaking around with you, now did she? It's just a crying shame your little partner in crime is all of a sudden feeling insecure about your contact with your wife. Sorry, but my give-a-damn's broken for her. She deserves every rotten thing she gets.

 

Secondly, it would appear that ONCE AGAIN, history is repeating itself. Even though your OW/girlfriend isn't deserving of respect or honesty, the fact remains that YOU are reverting right back to your sleazy behavior all over again with the sneaking, lying and deceit. I guess you haven't learned a damn thing about honesty or integrity, have you?

 

I was thinking of telling her within the next few days,i just feel bad for her also because i mislead her and she has wasted her time on me.

You should tell her - not that she deserves squat, but because YOU have to start being RESPONSIBLE for how you act and how you treat people. It's safe to say all the sneaking, lying, manipulation and deceit has gotten you absolutely NOWHERE, has it?

 

I want to tell my wife if she will give me another chance

Well, good luck with that. You've already shown your ex-wife your true colors and I'm sure each time you contact her or spend time with her, she KNOWS you're once again lying to someone else. That's all she's SEEN from you for how many years now?

[John Who]

I am not with the ow anymore,nor do i give a damn about her.

 

See this ow did not even want me around my wife at all,I always told ow that we were not in a R i told her she can see whoever she wants.

 

I did not tell her how often i see my wife because for one it is not her business,another thing if she knew how much time we spent she would start giving my wife a hard time.

 

My wife and I have had a great friendship the past year and a half.

 

It was like we became bestfriends again.

 

My wife has told me she does not hate me.

 

I feel in my heart that I still have a chance with her,i think she has put up a wall between us,because the hurt i caused her.