fred11 Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) I am 34 and have been married for 2 1/2 years. I have a step-son and a 15 month year old. I am also in what I consider to be an abusive relationship with my wife. I feel like our marriage and the state of the family is completely dependent on her mood. She is incredibly physical She is always complaining, and constantly degrades me and my family in fights but also is great to their face. The main reason I am writing this email is because I think I want out and wanted people advice. I always try to be very understanding to my wife. She doesn't work, except for a night or two a week as a waitress. I never giver her a hard time about going out with her friends, etc. Last night I took my step son and his friend to a basketball game and ran into a friend of mine who lives out of state and I haven't seen in over a year. My wife knows him well and considers him a friend as well. When I got home from the game, I told her I ran into him and was thinking about going out for a few hours later that night to catch up with him and another friend of ours. My wife was borderline livid at the thought. She said "If you think I am going to sit here all night when you go out, you're crazy" Well the kicker here is, my wife goes out all the time, without any argument from me. She was already out twice this week with her friends, and to top that off, she is leaving in a week (by herself) to go visit a friend in Seatte, while I take off of work and watch the kids. On top of that this is the 5th year in a row she is going on a trip by herself to visit a friend. I am totally fine with it, but are you kidding me? I feel like she has an issue with having to have the power in the relationship. When she told me I wouldn't be "allowed" to go out, I simply brought up what a ridiculous double standard that is and she flipped out screaming and yelling it's not a competition. I don't think it is either but I feel like my freedom is being taken from me. This morning I told her we needed to talk about it and she started screaming again and then smacked me twice. I walked out the house to avoid my temper getting the best of me and when I came back she had thrown a bunch of clothes on my car in the middle of the driveway. I am the only one who thinks my wife may be a little crazy. Things like this have happened before. She is constantly punching, pinching, and smacking whenever she doesn't get her way. I feel like I don't have the freedom to do things and need to "check in" with her. She basically calls me and says I am going here tonight, where I almost need to ask for permission. I can't do that. On top of it, she is unwilling to speak with words and continues to resort to physical violence. I need to get out before I snap. What should I do. I know the initial fight may sound ridicuouls, but is the level of unequality that gets me, and her complete inablity to see the common sense of the situation. We have had physical and destructive fights in the past and I always end up leaving to avoid any physical retaliation on my side. I don't think I can do it anymore. I am a little scared of the unknown and not being their with my 15 month old which crushes me when I think about it but I don't know what else to do. My opinion is not wanted or listened to and I can't be happy that way. When I tell her this, she basically says, if you you are so happy-leave. There is no effort on her part to understand. Edited March 2, 2008 by fred11 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 I think you better listen to her, for your own sanity. Get out and bend every effort to ensure your children have a positive influence in their lives. Everything that's going on affects them at a very sensitive time in their lives. Is the stepson from a prior marriage of hers, or relationship? How old? Remember, men can be in abusive relationships too, as the abused. Look online for resources available to you. You're not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 I am the only one who thinks my wife may be a little crazy. I guarantee that someone this out of control is not acting out just around you. If you dig a little, you'll find other "victims" as well. Carhill gave you good advice. Get out and start legal proceedings... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 Does she do this to the older child too when he doesn't act the ways she wants? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred11 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 Does she do this to the older child too when he doesn't act the ways she wants? Yes she does. She is a scream now and apologize later type person. The crazy thing is she can be totally normal and then "boom" she starts to freak out. I often tell her she treats the people she supposedly loves the worst out of eveyone. This is the same women who will stop on the side of the road to give a homeless woman a ride but she freaks out at situations like the one I described. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred11 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 I think you better listen to her, for your own sanity. Get out and bend every effort to ensure your children have a positive influence in their lives. Everything that's going on affects them at a very sensitive time in their lives. Is the stepson from a prior marriage of hers, or relationship? How old? Remember, men can be in abusive relationships too, as the abused. Look online for resources available to you. You're not alone. The stepson is not from marriage just a relationship she had. Link to post Share on other sites
TechDude Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 This can't go on. However, one should if possible try to resolve the problem. I'm not sure she will go for it though. Tell you you want to work it out and that you want her to go with you to MC. Tell her that the continuation of the relationship depends on it. If she won't go in order to keep you (your post suggests not), then it is over. However, it sounds to me like it is not safe for the children to remain with her either. So, let her know that if you go, so do the children. I don't expect for a moment, that she'll accept this, but make it clear to her that unless she gets help for her behaviour, you will protect the children by reporting her to the appropriate child welfare agency (don't know what it is called where you live). You also have a responsibility to protect the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred11 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 This can't go on. However, one should if possible try to resolve the problem. I'm not sure she will go for it though. Tell you you want to work it out and that you want her to go with you to MC. Tell her that the continuation of the relationship depends on it. If she won't go in order to keep you (your post suggests not), then it is over. However, it sounds to me like it is not safe for the children to remain with her either. So, let her know that if you go, so do the children. I don't expect for a moment, that she'll accept this, but make it clear to her that unless she gets help for her behaviour, you will protect the children by reporting her to the appropriate child welfare agency (don't know what it is called where you live). You also have a responsibility to protect the children. I don't think my wife is a bad mother. At times she is almost overprotective. She just has a temper that is out of control. I have wondered if there is something wrong with her. Her mother is a little "different" that way and they often fight alot. She does not have the most nurturing parents. This whole situation is terrible. I am just sick of excepting it and making excuses. I am a grown man who has a wife who flips out and likes to hit when she gets angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Yes she does. She is a scream now and apologize later type person. The crazy thing is she can be totally normal and then "boom" she starts to freak out. I often tell her she treats the people she supposedly loves the worst out of eveyone. This is the same women who will stop on the side of the road to give a homeless woman a ride but she freaks out at situations like the one I described. Sound's to me like she could benefit from a Therapist. Would she be willing to try this? Just a thought. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 The stepson is not from marriage just a relationship she had. Has he bonded with you as a father-figure and/or is his biological father still in his life? I ask because there are important issues at stake here regarding the children, in many ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred11 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 Has he bonded with you as a father-figure and/or is his biological father still in his life? I ask because there are important issues at stake here regarding the children, in many ways. He has bonded with me, but his father is very much still in the picture. I have started to some research on abusive relationships, and some of the examples and behaviors fit my wife perfectly. It almost is kind of scary to come to this realization. This is going to be an incredibly difficult thing to talk about and go through. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Fred, get out now while you can. Abuse just gets worse over time, it NEVER gets better. This is not good for you and it is not good for the child to witness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred11 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 Fred, get out now while you can. Abuse just gets worse over time, it NEVER gets better. This is not good for you and it is not good for the child to witness. I just talked to my wife and she told me that she and all her friends think I am ridiculous, and that if I don't think her friends boyfriends get smacked every once in awhile I am crazy. Does that sound ridiculous to you? I also told her I found some things online that describe her to a tee and she said she doesn't care, and has not desire to read anything. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 There is no reason to stick around for more of the same from her. If she won't go for the counseling then she is unwilling to accept she has a problem. I'd leave. I'd talk to the step son's dad about the slapping and pinching. I personally think the screaming temper tantrum is as bad as the physical stuff, but I've never heard of child services acting on screaming. I'd work at getting at least primary custody of your child too. No one should put up with this. If you think it's hard for you as and adult, imagine what its like for a child. Get out but look out for the kids too. Once you're gone, they will get the brunt of her temper. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I just talked to my wife and she told me that she and all her friends think I am ridiculous, and that if I don't think her friends boyfriends get smacked every once in awhile I am crazy. Does that sound ridiculous to you? I also told her I found some things online that describe her to a tee and she said she doesn't care, and has not desire to read anything. No that sounds like a lie. I'd put her butt on Xanax so fast. If that didnt work... marriage over. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Fred, you do not need to live this way. She is treating you like you are worthless. You can try MC, but I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope when she's got a whole crew of abuser friends supporting and validating what she's doing. She isn't going to change as long as she thinks she's right.... Please consider leaving and taking the 15 mo old with you. I would hate to leave a kid with someone like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred11 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 I haven't been home in 3 days. I know this can't continue but it is hard. I called a counselor yesterday to get someone to talk to. The hardest part is the feeling of failure. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 You're responsible for your own actions, not those of another. You have not failed. If anything, the relationship failed. Your wife will have to take responsibility for her contribution, just like you must, if there is to be any future. I would encourage the biological father to increase his presence in his son's life at this time. I assume he is a good influence. Focus on your child and work on how to better handle the abuse you've received and your role in enabling it. I think therapy will help immensely. I also think that the relationship will not succeed if your wife refuses IC for herself. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Zero Degrees Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I would want out. FAST! She is abusive, disrespectful and wouldn't know the meaning of the word value if it smacked her in the face! I can imagine what's stopping you is your son but you have rights. You deserve so much more. Warn her that if she ever lays another finger on you you will not tolerate it and you are out. If her friends go smacking their partners they have issues too. It's not normal or acceptabe for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I just talked to my wife and she told me that she and all her friends think I am ridiculous That's part of the abuse, Fred. Get out, stay away, get a restraining order against her if necessary. Abuse is not only damaging, it's also illegal. She has no right to do this to you and you do not have to put up with it. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 The hardest part is the feeling of failure. You can't save her from herself. She has to want to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred11 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 I have been doing some more research, as this has started to obviously dominate my life, and I am starting to wonder if my wife has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Is anyone familiar with this? Link to post Share on other sites
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