Self torture...

[CaliGuy]

I've been reading through the threads and I see something very common among them.

 

Self torture.

 

Reading up on an ex's web site (Myspace, Facebook, etc).

Asking for gossip from friends.

Reading old emails.

Looking them up on Google.

etc.

etc.

etc.

 

You do realize that you will not move on with your life if you are focused on the past. What's done is done and you can not change it. The only thing you have control over is your present and future, not your past.

 

So why would you want to re-live the past and constantly torture yourself? The more you focus on the past the more convoluted and dreary the present and future becomes.

 

NC isn't just about not contacting your ex. It's also not seeking out information on them via any avenue and it's definitely not reminiscing about the past.

 

Move forward with your life and your past will leave you behind.

[Lizzie60]

I soooo agree.. I find it so ridiculous to constantly try to know what's going on in the 'ex's life'.. really..

 

Like you say it is self-torture.. I have no patience with people like that..

Get a grip.. move on.. stop being so desperate...

 

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[tonyeltiger]

I'm very guilty. This weekend has been horrible. Since I can't control the past, all I feel compelled to do is try to remain in her life, which will just make my present torture. But then I think if I don't try to contact her, then she will just forget me completely, and at this point, that makes my future seem bleak. I know the last part is rather short-sighted. Gah I wish everything would stop. The thing that really sucks is that I have no desire to try out other girls, and so my near future seems to be one without any sort of companionship. But I digress.

 

Very good point CaliGuy, as always. If only it were easier in practice. It's like licking that cut on the roof of your mouth that would heal if you just leave it alone, but can't stop licking it. I'm definately going to seek some therapy. I can't believe that I can't deal with this lol.

[CaliGuy]

I'm very guilty. This weekend has been horrible. Since I can't control the past, all I feel compelled to do is try to remain in her life, which will just make my present torture. But then I think if I don't try to contact her, then she will just forget me completely, and at this point, that makes my future seem bleak. I know the last part is rather short-sighted. Gah I wish everything would stop. The thing that really sucks is that I have no desire to try out other girls, and so my near future seems to be one without any sort of companionship. But I digress.

 

She's already out of your life and whether she forgets about you or not really doesn't matter. The more you focus on her and try and keep her in your life the less chance you have of meeting someone BETTER for you.

Very good point CaliGuy, as always. If only it were easier in practice. It's like licking that cut on the roof of your mouth that would heal if you just leave it alone, but can't stop licking it. I'm definately going to seek some therapy. I can't believe that I can't deal with this lol.

 

When you start respecting yourself you'll let her go and move on. You'll stop checking in with her, you'll stop poking into her life. You'll move ON with your life and leave her behind.

 

That's a very liberating feeling, to be able to toss the ex aside like so much garbage and EMBRACE the FUTURE. A future with someone who loves and accepts you for who you are, not what you are not.

 

Cheers

[datingmum]

Cali,

 

Thank you. You have devoted so much time and energy to this board. I wish I had your detachment. But I have now moved into a phase where I am examining myself and questioning for the first time in 3 years what I do/did to create my own toxic relationship from which the ex (rightfully) exited. Does your advice to completely drop out of their lives extend to this situation? I don't expect someone to love me this way, it's horrible and destructive. And does it apply to relationships where children are involved?

 

Of course I'm not really talking about just the little forms of self-torture (facebook, etc) but the larger picture.

[KittenMoon]

IMHO, This "self toture" is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing. It can help people process, confront, etc. While I agree there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand, admonishing yourself about it, or admonishing anyone else, is primarily unsympathetic and damaging.

 

Do it, and then stop. Or let it trickle away slowly as you break the habit. Personally, I think someone who never pines at all is missing something important.

 

Centuries of art, literature, music and poetry iss filled with this "self torture"- it's all so human. Let yourself accept that it is, and it will be easier to let it go, just like with anything. Feeling bad about it and forcing youself off of it might work for some, just like quitting cold turkey can work for some smokers, for example, but for others it simply becomes a new brand of torture.

[Pyro]

I've been reading through the threads and I see something very common among them.

 

Self torture.

 

Reading up on an ex's web site (Myspace, Facebook, etc).

Asking for gossip from friends.

Reading old emails.

Looking them up on Google.

etc.

etc.

etc.

 

You do realize that you will not move on with your life if you are focused on the past. What's done is done and you can not change it. The only thing you have control over is your present and future, not your past.

 

So why would you want to re-live the past and constantly torture yourself? The more you focus on the past the more convoluted and dreary the present and future becomes.

 

NC isn't just about not contacting your ex. It's also not seeking out information on them via any avenue and it's definitely not reminiscing about the past.

 

Move forward with your life and your past will leave you behind.

 

Excellent post CG.

 

But we do live in an imperfect world and not everyone can immediately drop the past. Each and everyone of us will grieve but with various time lengths, but there does come a point when we have to force ourselves forward and like you said, leave the past behind us and look at the present and future.

[CaliGuy]

Cali,

 

Thank you. You have devoted so much time and energy to this board. I wish I had your detachment. But I have now moved into a phase where I am examining myself and questioning for the first time in 3 years what I do/did to create my own toxic relationship from which the ex (rightfully) exited. Does your advice to completely drop out of their lives extend to this situation? I don't expect someone to love me this way, it's horrible and destructive. And does it apply to relationships where children are involved?

 

Of course I'm not really talking about just the little forms of self-torture (facebook, etc) but the larger picture.

 

Looking at facebook or myspace is just as bad as sitting there watching them on a date with someone else. It's the same thing and self-destructive.

 

If you share kids with someone it'll be hard to go complete NC but I would keep the conversations centered around the kids and make NO small talk.

 

I fully believe in complete NC. For self healing and for your own sense of self respect. If you are pining over someone that doesn't want to be with you, what does that tell you about yourself? Why waste an ounce of your time on someone that doesn't appreciate you?

 

Nothing could be more of a waste of your time, love and affection than to blow it on someone like that.

 

Love and respect thyself and exorcise the ex from your life completely.

[CaliGuy]

Excellent post CG.

 

But we do live in an imperfect world and not everyone can immediately drop the past. Each and everyone of us will grieve but with various time lengths, but there does come a point when we have to force ourselves forward and like you said, leave the past behind us and look at the present and future.

 

Grieve, by all means. But understand the longer you try and hang on to your past, the more of your future you will ruin.

 

We only have a set amount of time on this planet. Use it wisely

[Pyro]

Grieve, by all means. But understand the longer you try and hang on to your past, the more of your future you will ruin.

 

We only have a set amount of time on this planet. Use it wisely

 

I agree. I just wish everyone was programmed to think like that.

 

But if that were the case, then there probably wouldn't be an LS.

[Elena62]

I don't think I'm living in the past. And I'm one of those people that move forward, but I have a sentimental heart. Some may see that as a weakness, but I see it as my strength - because in that strength there is forgiveness. I can forgive HIM for what he has done all round. But most importantly, I can forgive myself, too. It's very liberating!

 

I embrace everything that I am by feeling what I feel and confronting it. Okay, so I don't look at social websites, or even the emails. But I do have some wonderful memories and they are positives, not negatives.

 

It's not a bad thing to reflect, at all!

[datingmum]

So, even if this person came back and said to you that they want it to work and you kept screwing it up and they dumped you for their sanity and yours but still left the door open for reconciliation - even then just turn away and forget it?

 

It doesn't seem to compute....I thought that lifetime love was about understanding, growth, compassion...

 

I am actively practicing NC at the moment in order to examine my part in our relationship issues, before we get on the 'miss each other get back together' bandwagon. Also, in order to feel secure on my own without his attention. But surely after a period of this, one can initiate further discussions?

 

This man agreed to go to therapy with/for me...

[CaliGuy]

So, even if this person came back and said to you that they want it to work and you kept screwing it up and they dumped you for their sanity and yours but still left the door open for reconciliation - even then just turn away and forget it?

 

It doesn't seem to compute....I thought that lifetime love was about understanding, growth, compassion...

 

I am actively practicing NC at the moment in order to examine my part in our relationship issues, before we get on the 'miss each other get back together' bandwagon. Also, in order to feel secure on my own without his attention. But surely after a period of this, one can initiate further discussions?

 

This man agreed to go to therapy with/for me...

 

The problem doesn't sound like your ex. He sounds like he wants to try but for your sake, get into Counseling before you try another chance with him.

 

You won't be able to make anyone else happy until you learn how to make yourself happy first.

[datingmum]

I know a massive part of it is me. But to be honest, if you were to read all my old posts on here, you'd see this strange transition. I used to think it was all about him/his 'commitment issues' while completely omitting the ways I poisoned it all and no wonder he wouldn't fully commit.

 

Problem is, not contacting him for a while is like breaking a drug habit for me. Every moment I want to. I am in therapy now and continue to read books, search the net, do everything I can to fix what I am finally facing up to. The problem is, I don't trust my judgement/know how long to give it before I do contact him....I do NOT want to hurt him, myself or my children any longer.

 

Should i trust my therapist to tell me this? I've only just begun with her...

[ashieannie]

So why would you want to re-live the past and constantly torture yourself? The more you focus on the past the more convoluted and dreary the present and future becomes.

 

NC isn't just about not contacting your ex. It's also not seeking out information on them via any avenue and it's definitely not reminiscing about the past.

 

Move forward with your life and your past will leave you behind.

 

That whole statement there is so much easier said then to actually do it. Most people in this situation, myself included, tell themselves not to do it obviously, but it is an addiction, just like drugs and alcohol. I don't know where I read somewhere on here that a break up triggers the part of your brain that holds addiction, just like a drugge or an alcoholic

[emotionally_barren]

I'm only four days past the dreaded "I still love you I'm just not IN love with you" hit. Both parties are to blame for the ending of my marriage (but by my reckoning I am the one with the most blame).

 

I am starting to get out of the crushed stage and slowly working towards the acceptance stage, but damn, it is hard. I gotta agree with the OP. Life goes on, make the best of it and don't torture yourself by using gossip or what not to keep tabs on your ex-partner.

[superfox]

Thanks for bringing this post up CaliGuy. I couldn't agree with you more. Looking at things or trying to get information is just like stabbing yourself with pain. The more you find out the more it drives you crazy, the more obsessive you become. These people can take over your life if you allow that to happen and remember you are the one ALLOWING it to occur, sometimes we say things like oh my ex is making me crazy. Well no you are making yourself crazy checking up on them. I know I have been there in the past, and its reallly tough.

 

When you find info you don't like its like facing rejection all over again, wondering is that girl better looking than me? Going around showing your friends trying to validate your feelings, that you are better than her. Who cares? I think one important lesson I have learned is don't take anything personally, don't let another person poison your life, whatever their issue is its their issue, if they want to dump you thats their choice their world, their mind, don't let it get into your mind and soul and poison you. They are not worthy of your thoughts, they really don't deserve it!

 

We live in a culture where rejection is so horrible. We are raised this way our parents give us praise for doing good, so we constantly want to be validated. We need to live our lives for ourselves, not for our ex's. They can live their own life, lets not let their poison come into our world. It is toxic and not good for our health.

 

I think when we do these things like looking on myspace etc, we drive ourselves crazy. We analyze every move they make, and it really is a waste of time. We will never find out, we can google things for the rest of our lives but we won't ever get the answers.

 

I find when I think of the worst possible thing that can occur out of me looking an ex on facebook I re evaluate if I want to do it. For example the worst thing would be them with some girl all happy in a relationship and make me feel like crap and re live the breakup. I don't want to relive it again I already lived through it once.

 

Superfox

[D-Lish]

The whole being unable to stop viewing myspace, looking at pictures, keeping old e-mails thing is something I simply can't do.

 

Once it is over- although I may grieve and lament to my friends- talk about it here on LS.... but I will automatically delete them from every other aspect of my life. Pics go in the garbage- I delete them from my phone and msn and facebook. I'll block them on a dating site so I don't have to see their face flashing by.... It's just easier that way.

 

I actually have to do these things. I cannot bring myself to look or view them or see them pop up as being online on msn.

[superfox]

D-lish I think its wonderful that you are able to detatch yourself from these things. To be honest the one time I did it immediately after the end of a relationship it brought me such relief and I healed soooo fast! I couldn't believe how fast I got over him. But in every other relationship I would prolong it and keep looking at things like their nick on msn, or their webpage etc...and it made me ache everytime and keep thinking about them. The more I looked the more I thought...the more rejected I felt...it was horrible. If I could go back I would make every breakup easier by just getting rid of all that negative stuff, and leaving it in the past.

[D-Lish]

I just can't bring myself to look. I have no compulsions to do so. That doesn't mean I don't hurt like crazy when I love someone and it's over... or that I don't sometimes hope they will come back and I can re-instate them in my cyber life...lol.

 

I just find that I have to block everything because I don't want to willingly invite any further pain or drama into my heart.

 

I once posted here about what to do about a guys hat he had left at my house. lol. It caused me so much strife because I knew he loved this stupid hat and I couldn't throw it out- so I posted about how to handle the hat. lol. SO silly. Having it in my house and deciding what to do with it was quite the dilemma.

 

But- I'm a weirdo. lol.

[CaliGuy]

So D, what did you do with the hat????

[dfreeman]

When you start respecting yourself you'll let her go and move on. You'll stop checking in with her, you'll stop poking into her life. You'll move ON with your life and leave her behind.

 

That's a very liberating feeling, to be able to toss the ex aside like so much garbage and EMBRACE the FUTURE. A future with someone who loves and accepts you for who you are, not what you are not.

 

Thanks for the good words once again CG,

 

I sure hope that I have the strength to do as you say here - I know her hotmail password and so far have not looked in her mail folders because I am afraid of what I will see. This has been especially hard because I know one of her exes sort of let his feelings be known to her about 10 months ago that losing her was the biggest mistake of his life. I don't really have any insecurities about him because, when she had the choice between us, she overwhelmingly chose me (5 yrs ago). Even though the urge is there to snoop my way back into the know, I think you are right about how much it will set me back.

 

Your second paragraph is also spot-on for me these days - I much more feel like throwing this woman in the garbage for the way she treated me during the breakup than I do clinging to every little aspect of her life. Why should I set myself up for getting all pissed-off that she is going back to her short little (and I mean very short) honeymoon period with someone new. Your words are very much appreciated - I hate how she loved me only in the context of how I would be shaped around her life and ALL of my friends say that I will be much happier when I get with a woman that loves the real me!

 

dfree

[CaliGuy]

Thanks for the good words once again CG,

 

I sure hope that I have the strength to do as you say here - I know her hotmail password and so far have not looked in her mail folders because I am afraid of what I will see. This has been especially hard because I know one of her exes sort of let his feelings be known to her about 10 months ago that losing her was the biggest mistake of his life. I don't really have any insecurities about him because, when she had the choice between us, she overwhelmingly chose me (5 yrs ago). Even though the urge is there to snoop my way back into the know, I think you are right about how much it will set me back.

 

Your second paragraph is also spot-on for me these days - I much more feel like throwing this woman in the garbage for the way she treated me during the breakup than I do clinging to every little aspect of her life. Why should I set myself up for getting all pissed-off that she is going back to her short little (and I mean very short) honeymoon period with someone new. Your words are very much appreciated - I hate how she loved me only in the context of how I would be shaped around her life and ALL of my friends say that I will be much happier when I get with a woman that loves the real me!

 

dfree

 

Throw her in the garbage. It doesn't matter anymore.

 

Your future matters now, not your past. (Except in the sense you've learned from this experience and can apply what you've learned to the next relationship).

[sedgwick]

Yes! Wise words from caliguy! I never understand how people can netstalk their exes. I haven't looked at a single photo of him or at any of his websites since he left. It would totally kill me.

[Chinook]

I never understand how people can netstalk their exes. I haven't looked at a single photo of him or at any of his websites since he left. It would totally kill me.

 

Yea same here.

 

I guess people just deal with it any way they can. It takes as long as it takes.