Self torture...

[s_n_d]

CaliGuy,

You are my inspiration.

Your completely right about everything.

We only live once and we have to move on and not dwell on the past.

[dfreeman]

CaliGuy is always on point!

 

I Don't know how I missed his response to me, but once again - he is right on the money. The sooner I see that life is all about my future and that my relationship with her was garbage, the sooner I will truly be better.

[melusine71]

Eek! I do every one of these things! It's a compulsion though, if it was as simple as snapping my fingers and stopping, it wouldn't be compulsive, now would it?

 

Giving into compulsions always makes one feel out of control and unhappy.

 

What I would like to know is WHY were these kinds of behaviors selected as part of the human experience? To me, it seems like people being able to move past grief and self torture and depression should be par for the course. But instead (some of us worse than others) get hung up and self destructive and crazy. I dream about him every night, that we are arguing or that he is doing terrible things right in front of me. I think maybe I have post traumatic shock or something. It really is kind of unbearable. I take it day by day.

 

Oh, and I have taken some MAJOR steps to change my life, so I know this will pass and everything will change. Moved far away, have lost a whole bunch of weight, am searching for a job right now. I hate Bush, the economy sucks balls and no one is hiring.

 

Sorry, rambled a llittle there it's just, if i have this admittedly sick compulsion, making me feel bad about it won't help matters or the suggestion that I'm just "doing it to myself". If only it was that easy.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Sorry, rambled a llittle there it's just, if i have this admittedly sick compulsion, making me feel bad about it won't help matters or the suggestion that I'm just "doing it to myself". If only it was that easy.

 

No body ever said that it was supposed to be “easy.” But the pain of becoming more proactive in the process of moving on and finding closure for yourself is far less than the emotional agony of staying “stuck.” Grief and disappointment, when viewed in healthy perspective, should only be a speed bump on the road to the rest of your life ... NOT a destination.

 

As far as “detachment”. I’m not sure this is the appropriate word for the process of gaining acceptance and moving on. I think you’ll find few people who can just switch their emotions off and on like that. It’s more about how you deal with those emotions, how you process them and cope. And there are healthy and not-so-healthy strategies that can make all the difference in the world when it comes to how quickly you recover and heal (or not).

 

Wasn’t familiar with the “Myspace” and “Facebook” thing outside of reading about it on this forum. To be honest, I was kind of amused that it seemed to be responsible for the breakdown of good many of the relationships (and people) we read about on here. Couldn’t figure out what the big hooey was all about except to deduce that it obviously wasn’t a place you’d want to hang out if you were in a relationship or just getting out of one. Then again, I’m not cyber savvy, so what do I know. (???)

 

Just so happens the light bulb went off when I caught a documentary on it a few weeks ago. Caliguy might appreciate this ... cause it went on to explain how these sites often prevented people from moving on in healthy ways and almost fueled the “need to know” voyeurism and compulsive behaviors that usually accompany a break up. Instead of driving by the ex’s house five times a day ... or drunk dialing ... now people can cyber stalk their exes from safety of their own homes without ever getting caught. It’s almost like having a window into their private life (complete with excruciating details of new friends and lovers) that they would probably be better off NOT knowing about. It also makes for a perfect opportunity for the passive-aggressive to play more head games. You know ... let’s REALLY torture the ex by dangling jealousy bait in the off chance they’re still curious enough to take a peek.

 

Makes perfect sense to me. I mean ... if you risk having to explain yourself when someone picks up after a drunk-dial, or get busted by the ex (or cops) driving by their house one too many times, it’s easier to talk yourself out of it. But if the object of your obsession is only one safe click away ... I can see why so many people these days are having a harder time resisting the brutal temptation.

 

AKA: “self torture”.

[CaliGuy]

Just so happens the light bulb went off when I caught a documentary on it a few weeks ago. Caliguy might appreciate this ... cause it went on to explain how these sites often prevented people from moving on in healthy ways and almost fueled the “need to know” voyeurism and compulsive behaviors that usually accompany a break up. Instead of driving by the ex’s house five times a day ... or drunk dialing ... now people can cyber stalk their exes from safety of their own homes without ever getting caught. It’s almost like having a window into their private life (complete with excruciating details of new friends and lovers) that they would probably be better off NOT knowing about. It also makes for a perfect opportunity for the passive-aggressive to play more head games. You know ... let’s REALLY torture the ex by dangling jealousy bait in the off chance they’re still curious enough to take a peek.

 

Makes perfect sense to me. I mean ... if you risk having to explain yourself when someone picks up after a drunk-dial, or get busted by the ex (or cops) driving by their house one too many times, it’s easier to talk yourself out of it. But if the object of your obsession is only one safe click away ... I can see why so many people these days are having a harder time resisting the brutal temptation.

 

AKA: “self torture”.

 

Ahaha. How did I miss that special? It's dead-on accurate, that's for sure. My ex was "cyber-stalking" me and I felt it was no different than driving by my house and peeking in the window. She had to know what was going on with me.

 

WHY!?

WHO CARES?!

 

If you're the dumper, then move on and leave your ex and everything associated with them behind (including MySpace and Facebook).

 

If you're the dumpee, DO THE SAME. There really is no logical explanation for torturing yourself by hanging out on their blog or whatever. What they're doing now has no effect on your life whatsoever anymore. They chose to let you go, you should choose the same. I understand to a degree why people have a hard time letting go. I was there myself. But I've also come to the realization that what is done IS DONE.

 

Period. End of story.

 

There's nothing I can do to change it and I darn sure don't want someone in my life who doesn't want to be there. That is why I am so adamant about keeping my private life out of the prying eyes of my ex. What I am doing is none of her business anymore. And while the act of her doing it doesn't really bother me, the thought that "Hey, this is someone who felt I wasn't good enough for her therefore she isn't worthy of knowing about my life..." really DID bother me.

 

So I took some steps to remedy it (blocking her home and work IP from accessing my web site for instance), distancing myself from mutual friends, etc. Now I realize I can't stop it all and even the act of doing so is sort of being a control freak. But at the same time it's my life and I can choose who I want to share it with or not and that's what I'm doing.

 

I don't torture myself by reading her online information, I don't visit the same message boards she does (that's how we met, oddly enough), I don't talk to her family anymore and her friends are really not my friends anymore. I don't have her emails anymore, the pictures and mementos I had are put in a box in storage. The only thing I have around in the ring I bought and that's because I have plans to give it to my sister soon (coz no offense, her wedding ring is tiny and this is one way I can tell my sister I love her, though I will give it to my bro-in-law to present it to her). I have nothing in my house to remind me of her.

 

Life goes on and I'm embracing it. There are so many great women out there I've met that has me scratching my head wondering what the heck I was thinking by being upset at the end of that relationship. I should be jumping for joy as in reality I dodged a proverbial bullet. Had I married this woman I would be in so much misery (and probably financial debt as well) that who knows what I might have done.

 

There's a reason why God takes people out of our lives. We may not understand it now but in due time we will. And I for one thank Him every day that I am not stuck in a miserable marriage

 

If you have the name of that TV special you should post it. Maybe those who are insistent on cyber-stalking their ex's will get the kick in the pants they need to stop it.

 

It isn't hurting your ex, but it's sure as heck doing a lot of damage to YOU.

 

.................Far more than you realize.

[LuCidiTy]

Okay. I can see that this NC thing is big around here.

 

Is there a writeup somewhere about the concept and the parameters and what it is to be used for and expected to accomplish?

 

I can guess, and probably pretty accurately, that it's at least partly about resetting the emotional clock on healing, but I find it interesting and would like to learn more about the motives and philosophy of it all.

 

I'm in NC mode myself at the moment...and to be honest, I'm not sure exactly why.

[CaliGuy]

Okay. I can see that this NC thing is big around here.

 

Is there a writeup somewhere about the concept and the parameters and what it is to be used for and expected to accomplish?

 

I can guess, and probably pretty accurately, that it's at least partly about resetting the emotional clock on healing, but I find it interesting and would like to learn more about the motives and philosophy of it all.

 

I'm in NC mode myself at the moment...and to be honest, I'm not sure exactly why.

 

The ONLY motive behind NC is simply to allow you the quickest path to heal. Any intention otherwise is usually fruitless and serves only to delay healing.

 

It is not and has never been meant as a way to manipulate the ex back into your life (I'd say the success rate is pretty much zero in that regard).

 

NC "to me" means:

 

1. No calling, emailing, texting, etc. NO CONTACT of any kind.

2. Removing any reminders of them.

3. Never cyber stalking them (facebook, myspace, etc).

4. Deleting them from your phone, IM programs, removing old emails etc

5. And so on and so on.

 

The "art" of healing is all about you. You'll heal WHEN you really want to, but the very first thing that has to happen is to completely accept that it's over and let the past go. It's done and over with and there is nothing one can do to change it.

 

Best of luck.

[2sunny]

i don't go on myspace or facebook - so it makes it simple to not check up on them.

 

heck- for that matter i try my best not even to have a conversation with my xH...

[smoochie]

The ONLY motive behind NC is simply to allow you the quickest path to heal. Any intention otherwise is usually fruitless and serves only to delay healing.

 

It is not and has never been meant as a way to manipulate the ex back into your life (I'd say the success rate is pretty much zero in that regard).

 

NC "to me" means:

 

1. No calling, emailing, texting, etc. NO CONTACT of any kind.

2. Removing any reminders of them.

3. Never cyber stalking them (facebook, myspace, etc).

4. Deleting them from your phone, IM programs, removing old emails etc

5. And so on and so on.

 

The "art" of healing is all about you. You'll heal WHEN you really want to, but the very first thing that has to happen is to completely accept that it's over and let the past go. It's done and over with and there is nothing one can do to change it.

 

Best of luck.

 

I disagree with the "art of healing" statement. Everyone wants to heal and it is not just a decision you make and you are on your way. Just doesn't work that simply or easily. There is a process most people have to go through and you can't just skip over the steps. It's not healthy in the long run. You can think you are over someone because you accepted it was over and removed yourself from past memories. Then you start dating someone else...all of a sudden, all of those repressed emotions surface. And you are faced with dealing with stuff you should have processed before...when you mastered this "art of healing" thing.

[carhill]

If one has the tools (not everyone does), one can go through the process of breaking the emotional bond they once had and form a neutral perspective. NC is one of the tools, IMO. Therapy (for some) is another. Breaking that bond at the base emotional level is the hardest part, and that's why I note many LS'ers suggesting a year or two of non-intimate relationships (or no relationships) to completely work through the process. The more I read and look at my own life, the more it makes sense

[EllaDerSpin]

I think it is not so black and white as this.

Sometimes you could cut yourself off from anything to do with the ex and be completely inflexible but there is not always strength in that. If even after a long time you could not bear to see anything reminding you of the ex then you have just tried to push the situation out of your mind which is not the same as healing from it.

Sometimes you could get stuck in a cycle of denial and keep seeing the ex which is not healing either.

Sometimes you could talk endlessly about it in an advise forum and never mentally move on from it too.

Like all things there must be balance.

Sometimes looking at myspace facebook and calling the ex is the reality check you need. Sometimes it helps you to come to accept that life has changed.

I think that the key to moving on is to allow yourself to accept it, I also think it is neccessary to take a gentle pace with this if you need it.

[CaliGuy]

I disagree with the "art of healing" statement. Everyone wants to heal and it is not just a decision you make and you are on your way. Just doesn't work that simply or easily. There is a process most people have to go through and you can't just skip over the steps. It's not healthy in the long run. You can think you are over someone because you accepted it was over and removed yourself from past memories. Then you start dating someone else...all of a sudden, all of those repressed emotions surface. And you are faced with dealing with stuff you should have processed before...when you mastered this "art of healing" thing.

 

I never said there wouldn't be phases or that healing doesn't take time at all. I all too well understand that it takes time. But time and time alone doesn't heal all wounds, contrary to what many people believe. It's when you hit rock bottom, you either fall all the way through or you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on with life.

 

What I said was that when you reach that point where you understand that it's time to move on, when you STOP focusing in on the past and focus on the present and future, then and only then will you heal.

 

And it starts with NO FREAKING CONTACT.

 

. <-- Period!

[CaliGuy]

I think it is not so black and white as this.

Sometimes you could cut yourself off from anything to do with the ex and be completely inflexible but there is not always strength in that. If even after a long time you could not bear to see anything reminding you of the ex then you have just tried to push the situation out of your mind which is not the same as healing from it.

Sometimes you could get stuck in a cycle of denial and keep seeing the ex which is not healing either.

Sometimes you could talk endlessly about it in an advise forum and never mentally move on from it too.

Like all things there must be balance.

Sometimes looking at myspace facebook and calling the ex is the reality check you need. Sometimes it helps you to come to accept that life has changed.

I think that the key to moving on is to allow yourself to accept it, I also think it is neccessary to take a gentle pace with this if you need it.

 

If looking at your ex's facebook or myspace page helps you move on, by all means do it.

 

But if you read along some of these threads you'll see there is a very familar theme going on.

 

My friend said my ex....

I saw on my ex's MySpace page... (and I shouldn't have done it)....

I was looking at some pictures of my ex and me....

 

Etc, etc, etc.

 

I'm not sure what digging up past memories is going to do for most other than set them back. I think the key here is to recognize what sets you back then make an honest effort not to do it.

 

If looking at your ex's facebook hurts, don't do it. I mean, you don't put your hand on a hot stove because you know it will burn. It's the same concept.

 

Discipline yourself to NOT do the things that set you back. That's all.

[LuCidiTy]

Thanks, CaliGuy. Sorry to have made you go over that for the noob. This all makes sense to me. In fact, it's almost instinct to do exactly everything you said...block/delete/archive/take away all the reminders that you can control that are going to sabotage your healing.

 

heaven only knows there are going to be enough reminders that you can't control and getting past that is going to use up enough of your energy.

 

sometimes you aren't ready to hear from him or her and you don't even know it. if you don't block them (text/phone/IM/email) you're always going to be sitting there waiting/hoping/wondering if/when that contact will come. that's a strain in and of itself. if you know it can't come, you move on. it's one less thing to obsess about.

 

it's freeing.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks, CaliGuy. Sorry to have made you go over that for the noob. This all makes sense to me. In fact, it's almost instinct to do exactly everything you said...block/delete/archive/take away all the reminders that you can control that are going to sabotage your healing.

 

heaven only knows there are going to be enough reminders that you can't control and getting past that is going to use up enough of your energy.

 

sometimes you aren't ready to hear from him or her and you don't even know it. if you don't block them (text/phone/IM/email) you're always going to be sitting there waiting/hoping/wondering if/when that contact will come. that's a strain in and of itself. if you know it can't come, you move on. it's one less thing to obsess about.

 

it's freeing.

 

 

Yep. And you said something very key here which I bolded.

 

99% of the time people do not block their exs, remove them facebook or close other means of communication because they are waiting, hoping, praying that if they leave the door open "just a little", one day the ex is going to come barging through the door begging for forgiveness and a second chance.

 

I'm here to tell you all that the odds of this happening are about the same as me scoring a date with Jessica Alba. It's just NOT going to happen. The sooner one realizes that and shuts the door to communication with the ex (all doors, not just a few) the smokescreen that is (leaving lines of communication open) can disappear and the real healing can begin.

[sumdude]

I can say from experience that sometimes it doesn't take much to set you back. I hadn't had contact with my ex w since the beginning of December. A couple weeks ago my cell rang, saw it was her , didn't answer. She left a voice mail about something pretty unimportant. That was enough to affect me a bit. My life has been full enough of reminders and didn't need that one too.

 

As far as blocking... when possible it's a pretty good idea. Sometimes after a divorce though there may be a need to be able to communicate about some financial or orther important matter. Of course with kids involved communcation is a necessity.

[Elena62]

I really don't know if I agree with deleting all phone numbers, emails and IP addresses from seeing one's website.

 

What I think the real issue is? The amount of importance that is placed on these social websites and the effects it has on the emotions. That's why I don't subscribe to them. I have a website, but it doesn't bother me if x comes to see it. I know that if I try and block an IP address to have access to my site, then that is just being childish. If someone wants to see what I'm doing on my website and their IP has been blocked. Then they can go to ANY amount of anonymous sites out there that uses their IP addresses and you can go and search till your heart is content on your ex's website without them even knowing it.

 

So that point seems to be a bit mute.

 

The best way to be able to disconnect and never let a person see your online presence again is to not subscribe to social websites, full stop. All this online stalking stuff is utter rubbish, really. What can a person possibly do to you online that you haven't allowed to happen because you've put your information up?

 

I think the key here is indifference. If someone wants to look you up, so what? It's their problem!

 

Perhaps I'm different. I don't need to delete x's emails - because I don't go and read them, they are archived. I don't need to delete his photos because I can recall every single detail of his face without seeing a photo. I can see other stuff, the online stuff, if I want to, but it doesn't bother me. I know he can see my stuff online on my web when ever he wants, and he has, and so what?

 

That doesn't mean that I don't turn off my PC and get out of the box!

 

I guess we are all built differently. What I place importance on is forgiveness, respect and dignity. Moving on means different things to different people -some move on with anger, others can move on without and take all the positives from the past relationship and say "to he**" with all the other nonsense.

 

Is the online stuff, the emails, the blocking of IP's, the deleting of photos really important when the reality is that it's over?

[melusine71]

Yep. And you said something very key here which I bolded.

 

99% of the time people do not block their exs, remove them facebook or close other means of communication because they are waiting, hoping, praying that if they leave the door open "just a little", one day the ex is going to come barging through the door begging for forgiveness and a second chance.

 

I'm here to tell you all that the odds of this happening are about the same as me scoring a date with Jessica Alba. It's just NOT going to happen. The sooner one realizes that and shuts the door to communication with the ex (all doors, not just a few) the smokescreen that is (leaving lines of communication open) can disappear and the real healing can begin.

 

I can't block him when he calls my daughter. If I ditch the 10000 photos I have with him in them, I'll also be ditching both of my kids childhood. My son carries around his photo, he's leaning over all of us like sheilding us. I can hardly stand it, but I'm not going to take it away from him. Should he be able to look at his Dad?

 

I call bull****. It's like that Nancy Regan crap, "Just say no..." I'm all for "real" healing ( is there any other kind? But two people can have the same surgery and one will be up the next day and the other is still under the weather five weeks later. I guess as general guidelines your rules are nice but they are oversimplified and impossible to truly achieve. Everone's situation is different. Just sayin'.

[LoserAtLove]

I'm with you guys. Its like an addiction. I feel like I was a heroin addict. I knew it was bad for me, but I needed my fix of looking at her myspace page. Did anyone write anything new? What's her mood? She wrote that she is looking forward to the weekend. But why? lol. When I write this and try and look at the things I'm doing subjectively. It is nothing short of pure madness and tourture. Hell im writting this at 2:34am. But, like any 12 step program the first step I guess is admiting you have a problem.

[pigeonsid]

I'm with Elena- the reason I haven't removed my ex from my friends list on Facebook is because I want him to be able to look at my profile, not because I'm looking at his. Of course the temptation is always there, but I've been pretty good at staying clear of him and I am well on the way to getting over him (even if there are still bad days). I've considered removing him as a friend because I'm ready to do that, but when I thought about it - if he wants to check my profile out, then let him. And let him see that my life goes on quite happily without him, thank you very much.

[Ormolu611]

Good discussion. It has been over a year now since my long term gf left me and I must say that I am doing okay. I have not had contact with her of any kind since July of 07. I have not looked at her myspace page since September of 07. At about that same time, I made my own profile private (she is not a friend). I have felt better and better as each month passes.

 

I agree with much of what has been said about recovering and the role of no contact. In my view, nc is simply a tool to assist in the process of moving on. I agree that it is better not to force these things sometimes. Even though I did not maintain any kind of overt contact with my ex in an attempt to maintain my dignity, I did still "cyberstalk" her for a while. Not a good feeling or position to put yourself in. I think, as someone said earlier, that this actually may have helped me out a bit. When I finally saw that she was dating someone else, it hurt! Still, I think seeing this helped me out of my funk in the long run by helping to convince me that it really was over. I stopped logging on to her profile page when I was ready to do so, after I grew tired of endlessly speculating about what she was or was not thinking or doing, and I have not looked back.

 

Nonetheless, don't get me wrong - this process is long and protracted. Even though I feel like myself again, and am dating a fantastic woman - who is so much better for me than my ex ever was by the way - I still sometimes struggle with the concept of never seeing or talking to my ex again. What I mean by struggle is not a sadness or anything, just dealing with the surreal aspect of such a long and important relationship in my life ending so suddenly. Sometimes I still find myself thinking, "Wow, is that really it? Just like that?" It is similar to the feeling of going to the theater to see a really good movie that has an unresolved ending. (Has anyone seen "No Country for Old Men?") At any rate, at least this issue is not something that keeps me up at night - I am glad that I am now able to say that it is really not too big of a deal.