None of my business?

[chica_de_londres]

Hello everyone!

 

I am new here and the problem I'm going to describe doesn't directly concern me... so please tell me if I should just mind my own business.

 

To cut the long story short: One of my best friends at university is in love with a guy from Mexico. They met last year when they were both studying in a different country and ended up having a relationship for some 2-3 months. Then he went back to Mexico, she went back to London and I guess their relationship turned into a LDR, although she did complain he was not putting as much effort in as she was. Then she went to visit him over Christmas and he told her he'd been seeing his childhood sweetheart for a while and basically broke up with her. Time to start thinking about moving on, isn't it?

She came back distraught, beating herself up about how she did not show him enough affection and did not realise just how important he was to her. She wants him back desperately and recently she started planning to move to Mexico after we graduate and work there in order to win him back. I tried telling here that he did not seem that interested regardless of the distance, but she wants to believe he will beg her to take him back as soon as she sets her foot in his country. To me, it seems like a recipe for a disaster, especially that she knows for sure he is still seeing the other girl.

 

No one knows what the future holds, but I really think she will make herself very unhappy. She accuses me of being pessimistic and says he will want to be with her if she wants to be with him.

 

I love her to bits and really care about her but I really don't see this working out. Am I cynical? Should I be honest and risk upsetting her or help her plan her move to Latin America?

 

Thanks for reading, any comments will be appreciated.

[moys]

You should tell your friend that it is a bad idea. She's willing to give up her life just to be with a guy who doesn't even want her. It's crazy! Ask her what will happen if she goes there and begs and he still doesn't want her back, despite having moved her whole life there? Sure she could live in Mexico if she really wanted to (it's a big country) but she has to have a plan that does not involve this guy and ensures her happiness. And another thing you should make clear is the more you pressure a guy and chase after him, the faster he will run away; so moving there will make her look desperate in his eyes. I would suggest that she completely forget about him, cut off all contact and move on. And make other plans for after graduation.

[Lizzie60]

Since she's a good friend, here's what I would do:

 

I would tell her that it is a recipe for disaster.. tell her how you feel about it..blablabla... then let her decide..

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do if she decides to go... just let her live her own 'disasters'... live and learn..

[chica_de_londres]

Thank you Moys, I completely agree.

Part of the problem is that she does not want to be honest with herself. She just refuses to accept that he might not want her back and is planning her move according to where he might be living in a few months time. That is a bit difficult to figure out anyway, because at the moment they are not even talking - she's trying to make him miss her. Isn't this completely insane? And then, every time I try to say that I really think this whole plan of hers is going to fail, it is as if she has suddenly gone deaf. How do I help her move on?

[moys]

The best you can do is just have your say and be honest with her but let her decide. She may very well move there but just stick by her when it all falls apart, some girls just don't listen and they need to learn from their mistakes. There is a book you could recommend to her called: Why Men Love Bitches, just recommend that she reads it because it may help her realize what is really going on and who she has become.

[farina]

Tell her what you think honestly. Whatever decision she makes, simply support her. There's nothing u can do if she decides to fly to mexico. Just be there whenever she needs u. If she learns the hard way, give her a shoulder to cry on... My sister was in a similar position as your friend's. Since no one can put chains around someone else, advice is the only hope.

[Phateless]

just wow... get your friend to a therapist, asap...

 

introduce her to lots of new guys and hopefully someone will spark her interest.

[Taramere]

And then, every time I try to say that I really think this whole plan of hers is going to fail, it is as if she has suddenly gone deaf. How do I help her move on?

 

Rather than just starting off from the "this isn't going to work" perspective - which she'll automatically resist - perhaps you could get her to describe, step by step, what she imagines happening when she gets there. Listen before you attempt to persuade. It's a good negotiating technique, and probably just as effective in trying to stop a friend from doing something silly.

 

Hear out the fantasy. Give her that. Then you can go back over that fantasy (that she's no doubt playing round and round in her head) and start gently introducing bits and pieces of the reality of this situation.

 

Ask her to think seriously about details such as the girlfriend who was a childhood sweetheart. The girlfriend who has a history with him and who also shares a culture with him. The girlfriend who already has a life over there which, taking some of the more predictable aspects of human nature into account, will make her a) less dependent on and b) more interesting (long term) to him.

 

All you can do is try your best to make her face up to the reality of this within the safe confines of a conversation with you...rather than in a foreign country where she doesn't have any kind of support network to fall back on if (most likely when) it all goes horribly wrong.

[chica_de_londres]

Thank you, Taramere! That's a really good idea and it should also make for a very interesting conversation.

[corazoncito]

I think Taramere's advice is good. And hopefully she'll calm down and bit as more time passes. It seems like it's the shock that's making her react this way.

 

And maybe I'm wrong, but based on my experience of living in Mexico for several years, I wouldn't be surprised if this guy has been with his childhood sweetheart in Mexico the whole time (since before he met your friend) and saw your friend as just someone to keep him company while he was studying abroad (behind his "childhood sweetheart's" back).

Edited March 7, 2008 by corazoncito

[chica_de_londres]

Hello again!

 

I just wanted to thank everybody for taking the time to respond and wanted to give you a quick update on how the situation developed.

 

I took Taramere's advice and gave my friend an opportunity to talk about her fantasy and then we went over it again, focusing on possible problems. Anyway, I'm not one of those people who would just tell her: 'This is really stupid, don't do it!' Instead, our conversation was more along the lines of: 'I care for you and I just want you to think hard about the things you're about to do so that you don't end up making yourself very unhappy'. We spent a few days together and although she was still set on devising a plan to win him back in Mexico, I was happy I voiced my concerns. I had an impression everything was fine between us.

 

Funny thing is, when I saw her again a few days later, she was rude to me (it never happened before - I don't do rude) and told me in no uncertain terms that she did not want to talk to me. As far as I am aware, she is still very much planning on going to Mexico - she phones his mum on a regular basis fuelling her dislike for his childhood sweetheart girlfriend and keeps in touch with his friends on a Mexican social networking site. It's now been three weeks since we haven't talked so I don't really know how things are working out, but I can only assume she is not in a happy place - her grades suffer, she appears to be quite miserable and the day before yesterday she broke down in tears in the middle of a lecture.

 

I feel sorry for her and I am also quite sad that our friendship ended this way, but I don't really want to be involved any more since she pushed me away. If I hear any more through the grapevine (I don't like gossiping but we have a lot of close friends in common), I shall let you know.

 

Corazoncito - I wish it was shock making her react that way, but it has been three months since he told her he was seeing somebody else and it just seems to be getting worse.

 

For the time being - big thanks to everybody!