Husband's depressed, angry and who knows what else

[VivianGirl]

I married my husband a long time ago and found out from his friends that he had low self-esteem and since then I have found that he has depression and anger issues and probably a lot of other things.

He doesn't communicate well and we have been to a few MC and with the last one he seemed to make some effort to be better. But if I bring up our relationship and want to talk about it he gets mad.

One MC said that he sees us going our separate ways because my H isn't interested in working on our marriage or trying at least.

So, I have been going to a counselor by myself. My H didn't know about it first and then threw it in my face saying that we fight more when I go to a counselor. I told him that I had been seeing one for over a month and we had been getting along great until he found out that I had a therapist to see.

Well, he has been doing good lately and trying to please me and the problem is me. I had to do so much to cope with his behaviors and attitudes that I am pissed that he is trying. My therapist thinks it is great and I tell her that I don't like it.

He still has all of the depressive, angry and pissy stuff he has always had (and he had a pretty good meltdown this past week) and I would just like an adult to show up sometime.

How does anyone else deal with someone with big emotional/mental/psychological issues and not run screaming into the streets?

[Gunny376]

There's a lot of things at work here?

 

The problem with most of us, is that we jump from one life stage to the other without thinking and without taking the time to find out who and what we're all about?

 

Both men and women do so, thinking (completely logical) that this is the next logical step in my life? I'm out of HS/College ~ get married ~ have babies ~ yada, yada, only to find out that we're not happy and complete?

 

Another part of the problem? Women have grown leaps and bounds mentally, emotionally, spiritually, economically, financially and in all aspects over the last seventy years?!

 

Bottom line? Women don't need a man like they use to? Use to be? Fifty or seventy years ago? If a woman didn't have a man? Stick a fork in her! She was done?

 

Now? Even if she's not that well educated, doesn't have that many options? Divorce courts are vigoursly enforcing child support and alimony judgements?

 

Back on topic?

 

Your husband is "ignorant" ~ that is to say ~ he just doesn't know any better.

 

I too was ignorant in my first and only marriage ~ but you can bet the farm that I got busy studying and learning about women, marriage, relationships, romance etc?

 

So the real question is? How do you go about educating your DH?

[luvstarved]

If he has low self-esteem then talking about the marriage probably just feels very threatening to him so he gets mad. My H does this too.

 

But...it sounds like what you need to work on is resentment and not rejecting what you have asked for. Our MC made a big point about communication and how common it is for one partner to actually end up rejecting the changes once they finally take place. Due to resentment, fear that the changes will not last, fear that they won't be enough, aren't the real problem after all, etc.

 

If you want your marriage to work, you have to embrace his attempts to change...and figure out why you are pissed that he is trying...

 

The spin our MC puts on it is that you have to remember to "cherish" your mate and their efforts.

 

Both my H and I have had trouble letting go of resentments but it is critical to the success of your M.

 

Why do you think you are pissed that he is trying?

[TechDude]

Wow!! I'm not alone!

 

I married my husband a long time ago and found out from his friends that he had low self-esteem and since then I have found that he has depression and anger issues and probably a lot of other things.

 

I married my wife a very long time ago. At the time, although self esteem issues were obvious, I had no idea of the implications of this or how bad the issues really were.

 

He doesn't communicate well and we have been to a few MC and with the last one he seemed to make some effort to be better. But if I bring up our relationship and want to talk about it he gets mad.

I find that talking about anything of consequence, such as our relationship, is very strained. I think it is tied into the extremely low self esteem issues.

 

At work, I can easily discuss things. Sometime I can screw up, sometimes others do. We learn from mistakes and move one.

 

At home, the slightest remotest implication that W might have done something wrong feeds the "I'm worthless and everyone is better off without me" feelings. It does not even have to be something wrong, it might just be a difference of opinion. Sometimes, I would just like us to be able to have a different opinion on something and for that to be OK.

 

One MC said that he sees us going our separate ways because my H isn't interested in working on our marriage or trying at least.

Have had very little success in getting W to see any form of counsellor. She sees a psychiatrist, but while he manages the medication and does spend time talking with her, it does not seem to be achieving anything. She is very resistant to seeing anyone else.

 

However, she does have an appointment with a new psychologist tomorrow. First appointment is by herself. Subsequent appointments may (or may not) include me.

 

So, I have been going to a counselor by myself. My H didn't know about it first and then threw it in my face saying that we fight more when I go to a counselor.

I was seeing a counsellor for a while, but I gave it up in the end because it is very hard to address relationship issues from one side only and most of my issues centred around dealing with the depression ... no amount of counselling for me is going to fix her depression.

 

I told him that I had been seeing one for over a month and we had been getting along great until he found out that I had a therapist to see.

Well, he has been doing good lately and trying to please me and the problem is me. I had to do so much to cope with his behaviors and attitudes that I am pissed that he is trying.

Sorry, but I don't get why you are pissed that he is trying. I understand what it is like to have to cope with a severely depressed person, who just wants to be dead. I've been living with it for over 7 years.

 

My therapist thinks it is great and I tell her that I don't like it.

I realise it can be hard to see the positive after so long, but you have to take and build on whatever little bit you get. I'm at the point of despairing that things will ever change. Lately, I have not been that nice to be around .

 

He still has all of the depressive, angry and pissy stuff he has always had (and he had a pretty good meltdown this past week) and I would just like an adult to show up sometime.

Sounds like you aren't convinced either that things can or will improve. I don't blame you.

 

How does anyone else deal with someone with big emotional/mental/psychological issues and not run screaming into the streets?

Sometimes, it is better not to bottle it up, just let go and scream if you have to.

 

How do I cope? Not so sure I am coping. I have friends I can talk to. That is a help sometimes. Even so, after a while, you feel like you are only ever complaining to them and figure they must be sick of hearing how bad my life is.

 

For me, work is an escape where I can forget about home. Sometimes W will call to say she is feeling real bad. On a few occasions, I have had to race home quickly, just in case she really does do something. Last time, by the time I got home, she was barely conscious.

 

Is your H getting medical help? Medication or other treatment for depression?

[VivianGirl]

First, thanks for all of the great responses. I just get tired of dealing with it day in and day out.

 

I don't know how to do all the cool quoting features, so please bear with me. And I know it will be long and I apologize for that.

 

Gunny376 -- I have been trying to educate myself for over ten years now and being patient and setting a good example for my husband and kids. But frankly, he is a slow learner. He has made progress in some areas and absolutely none at all in others.

 

Yes, there are other things going on here. I think he has a gambling addiction, he has had substance abuse in the past (way before he met me) and he has taken money from our joint accounts for who knows what. I've caught him trying to set up dates online and he has made comments to mutual friends on how great things were when he was single.

 

luvstarved- And for as much as he is trying to improve now, I am pissed over having to manage this man-child. I cannot trust him with money. He doesn't take responsibility or tries to help manage the day-to-day life we have. He complains about the kids all the time and I feel that I have to constantly balance out his negativity and lack of presence in our kids' lives.

 

He is taking baby steps and I should be grateful, but I am not. I had been gearing up and making plans to leave him and now that he wants to come out of his dark depression cloud I am angry that I have to do a 180 and again (AGAIN!) work back into staying with this man who is one of the most self-destructive people I have ever known.

 

TechDude -- I can so relate to what you are saying. I am so glad that you emailed because it helps to know that someone else is also dealing with this.

 

No, he won't take meds due to his past difficulties with substace abuse. And I go to a counselor myself just so I can work out my frustrations, worries, and whatever else.

 

I knew that he had low self-esteem when I married him but I was naive as to the extent of the problem. It is hard to make household decisions or even bounce something off of him as he doesn't reply or uses anger to distance himself. He also asks me several times a day if I love him and I have to remind him that I already dealt with that question five minutes ago.

 

He tried to commit suicide almost four years ago, just before Christmas. I had a major medical procedure the next day and would have liked his support during that time but instead I was with him in the psych ward.

 

I have been trying to work out of our home and I need to find a job outside of it, but it hasn't worked out due to his work schedule and the health needs of our kids. But I am going to work harder on this.

 

I took my vows seriously to be with him and support him during good times and bad but I am wondering when and if I can get the person I thought I was marrying back then. Maybe I didn't really see who he was.

 

Please let me know if you have any other coping skills. I think I need to learn a few new ones.

[luvstarved]

It's funny how the insecurity and self-esteem issues can express themselves in such different ways...my H is more inclined to lash out at others (he's ok everyone else has issues) but is still the same. Do not know how I would deal with someone suicidal...I had a best friend many years ago who was suicidal...and they finally "succeeded" and that was very tough. Cannot imagine trying to deal with that in a marriage.

 

Viv, I now do understand your being pissed about him trying. It sounds as though you had somewhat emotionally detached and were bracing yourself for practical action. Now, you are supposed to step back and watch him try to be something he isn't. It IS I guess the belief that the change will not be substantial or permanent. And it IS I guess a show that you do not really REALLY respect him. I am not judging you saying that, I wonder myself if I have enough respect for my H for some of the immature and frustrating crap he does, and it is an important question.

 

It sounds like he is mainly just another chore, a burden, almost like another kid. In a way his "trying" now probably feels like being forced to watch a child who says they can lift something and you KNOW they can't but really they can so just watch!!! Only you are expected to sit there for YEARS and YEARS watching and smiling and just wondering when it will be reasonable to declare that the child is irrefutably incapable of the feat...and, for cripe's sake, praising the child the whole time for their efforts!!

 

In short, it sounds like you KNOW that there is neither enough quantity or quality of change coming down the pike and are just fed up and his continuing to try is just forestalling the inevitable.

 

Maybe you should be blunt with the counselor, they are there to assist YOU...let him/her know that you don't WANT to save the marriage...'cause that's how it sounds to me. And maybe focus on how to proceed in a way that will consider what is best for your kids.

 

Keep us posted on how things are going...best wishes.