Should i go after my true love?

[Mazza]

We were involved in a Long-Distance relationship since she is from Michigan USA 20, and I'm from Melbourne, Australia 22.

 

I've known her for a year via internet and video game site, and saw we had a instant connection talking. We grew closer over the months and seemed to develop a special bond and connection and share everything, then we started to grow feelings and fell in love. I found out sharing as friends she got a lot of issues with herself and in relationships, admitting to having issues about commitment and being scared of it all, cus she's been hurt badly in the past, and i made her trust and believe in me that i'd take good care of her.

 

3 months later things were great and i was getting ready to visit her in March, though thats when she got cold feet. She disappeared for a week and came back lashing about how i was pressuring her and pushing and needing her. I know i was pushing her a bit because she always had doubts about everything because of her past relationships and her losing most of her friends, because she would act like a b**** towards anybody who would get close to her. She's been really hurt and hasnt got a lot of trust in people.

 

I, having a similar past, was able to understand and made her trust me that i wouldnt ever hurt her. Though i think because i was trying to help change her, she mistaked that thinking i was a pushy person and has gone back into her shell. She wrote a email a week before she wanted to break up saying she wanted to change herself, and rid of her fears, and wanted me to help her, though i think it all got to her and the distance as well.

 

Right now she has lost her love and trust in me and we're barely speaking, i want to fix things as friends at least before ever thinking of something more. I want to plan a trip to see her still in a few months but i want to be on good terms with her at least. I know she's got issues.. but i did make mistakes to make things bad as they are now..

 

Whats best to do right now?

 

I told her when we were back to being friends I would I send her a valentines gift anyway, so i sent her a valentines gift a few weeks ago stating it from me being a good friend to her, but I believe she took it badly as me wanting to try win her back, I think her issues had gotten to her badly now.

 

I let things distance between then but she's more distant than ever now. I tried talking to her once via MSN a week ago, she was acting tentative but had a casul conversation. But i found out now she's blocked me off from contacting her, and viewing her web page.I think i've decided to let things go.. even though I was thinking of giving a surprise visit in 2 months to have a chance to see her face to face...

 

What should i do? is there any hope of this girl? I know we both have that special bond where if we were just together, and the distance was gone, and her issues limited as they were, we would have a chance. I can tell i'm the only one who can be there for her, as shes never opened up and being so close to anyone before, there is a special bond, its just some big obstacles in the way and it will be a long road ahead.

 

Even though we are not talking now, do you think its a good idea to keep distance from her and plan to visit her in a few months, to see even for a small moment? Should i take chance to see? I've put up with so much hurt and pain lately that i've broke down several times.. because of her confusing behavior, but i was willing to put up with it, where no one else was.. i'm just hoping at some point she'll realise all this.. if she gets over her mental state..

 

I really feel strong and willing to fight through all the pain shes giving, only if shes going to open and see things, but right now from wat i know, shes trying to forget and avoid it.. its her defence machism happening.. thats why i was asking whether i should just leave things for now and at least, and pass by her so things can be seen in real life, whether it works out or not, least i know everything was done..

 

* I'm even willing enough to travel to America to find some work nearby as that's a dream of mine anyway, though I'll need guides to help me out, thx*

EDIT - some additional info: She had admitted to me afterwards that she was very confused about everything when we went back to friends. About a week later she got all lovey and missing me again, and we had a few moments together where she still admitted of loving me.

I said I'd still send the valentines gift to her and she was very moved. However the next week she was in a cranky mood where all the bad started to happen, and then follows from where I sent that valentines gift. Right now she doesn't wanna be my friend either, since shes removed me and blocked me, but I'm giving some full space away now just to see the next step. I remember when we were talking and intimate before all this, she mentioned how she wanted it, but wanted to go slow, and have patience with it all, and time was our friend - but I think I said and pushed things in her head, and now she's gone into her state of issues badly now, trying to push me away. We broke up at the end of January, and this has being going on since near the start of February.

Edited March 3, 2008 by Mazza

[carhill]

Lots of great Aussie gals. I'd cast my net a little closer to home. One walk along the Yarra or through South Bank would provide limitless opportunities. I saw that even as a married old fart the couple times I was there last year.

 

I know you "care" about this girl, but diagnosing and treating her ills over the internet from half a world away is tenuous at best. LDR's take two really mature people who know how to communicate and be in relationships. At least one of you has issues in those areas.

 

Maybe others will be more optimistic, but I'd let this one go. I've had similar relationships when I was younger and learned a lot from them, even though unsuccessful.

[TMichaels]

mazza,

 

I have to agree with carhill. There's just too many problems in the situation that you've outlined for this relationship to have much chance of success.

 

You sound like a sweet, caring guy. Someone closer to home would be lucky to have you. Why not concentrate on finding that special someone right in your own backyard?

 

Best,

TMichael

[Mazza]

I know what your both saying, and I probably could find someone closer to home.. but I don't want to. It's because of this girl in particular in who she is, and what I know and love about her- is why I continue to fight.

 

I know it's a battle, but I'm willing to be patient enough to slowly knock each of her walls down, and help her fight her issues. I was starting to do that, and things were starting to slowly go well, but a mishap has happened, where I pushed too far - and lost her trust in me.

 

I'll need to gain her trust back being there as a friend for her, and being very patient and not pushy at all. I know i can do this now, and realise things will take much time, but i'm willing enough for it, and feel confident I can correct things, it's just only if I can gain her trust in me again.

 

I was thinking of writing a email about this, that i'm willing to be patient and takes long as it can, for her and always be there when she needs it. I know she mentioned this to me several times after we broke up, but got back together briefly a few times where she opened up briefly and said she wanted it, but wanted to go slow, and patience was our key, and time.

 

Though i pushed things a bit much after so thats where i lost her trust. Even though shes hurt me considerably, i'm still willing to go slow for her, it's just the plan of action i should do next? I know right now shes quite mad even though i haven't talked to her much at all, as she's blocked me off nearly completly, so I'm giving space right now, to hopefully heal things.

[carhill]

I understand all of this, more than you know

 

Is she meeting your needs? That's important. You can't fall on the sword of self-sacrifice without seriously damaging yourself for the future. I'm only now getting that message and I'm nearing the half-century mark. Don't be me

[TMichaels]

* I'm even willing enough to travel to America to find some work nearby as that's a dream of mine anyway, though I'll need guides to help me out, thx*

 

BTW, don't waste much time considering this as an option. You can't legally work in the U.S. without a permit, and getting one is very difficult -- in fact, if you're not a legal resident/citizen your employer has to "sponsor" you. Unless you have some exceptional skills that are of interest to a large company, it simply isn't going to happen.

 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the U.S. is not alone in this kind of thing. U.S. citizens have the same problem if they want to move/work to other parts of the world, as well.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Mazza]

I understand all of this, more than you know

 

Is she meeting your needs? That's important. You can't fall on the sword of self-sacrifice without seriously damaging yourself for the future. I'm only now getting that message and I'm nearing the half-century mark. Don't be me

 

Yeah i know, i thought about it a lot and came to realise she was meeting my needs, except i pushed too much on hers where i should've just left things and let her on her own time.

[Mazza]

BTW, don't waste much time considering this as an option. You can't legally work in the U.S. without a permit, and getting one is very difficult -- in fact, if you're not a legal resident/citizen your employer has to "sponsor" you. Unless you have some exceptional skills that are of interest to a large company, it simply isn't going to happen.

 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the U.S. is not alone in this kind of thing. U.S. citizens have the same problem if they want to move/work to other parts of the world, as well.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Yeah i found this out, so the only way would be a company willing to sponsor me for a particular job. Many say you need high education such as a bacholers which i dont have, though they say its possible on depending on your work experience. I'm guessing a can't just go for some retail job even if they wouldn't mind to hire me?

[carhill]

Yeah, no kidding. My wife and I can't emigrate to Australia, even though our skills are in demand, because we're too old (over 45). We really like it there, so guess it will just have to be for vacations.

 

OP, if his relationship with the US citizen worked out, could come here on fiancee visa. That happens all the time. Time consuming and costs money though.

 

Still think hitting the pubs in South Bank would be a better choice There's an open air theater down by Casino on the Yarra that had a ton of girls out watching the movie and there's a bar right next to it that was hopping. Sadly, I was likely twice their age...

[TMichaels]

I'm guessing a can't just go for some retail job even if they wouldn't mind to hire me?

 

Mazza, they CAN'T hire you -- you would have no right to work here, and no shop is going to go through the expense and hassle of sponsoring a work permit for an non-resident hourly worker when they can hire any one of countless other U.S. citizens who qualify and apply for the job.

 

Keep in mind, you can come to the U.S. on a Tourist/Visitor's visa and stay for up to 90 days, but you can't legally work. A Student Visa is another option, but, you'd need to be enrolled as a full-time student at a qualified institution.

 

As carhill mentioned, about the only other option to stay in the U.S. is via a Fiancee Visa, which requires you to marry IIRC, within 90 days. Once married, you can apply for a Work Permit/Green Card. But, given the tenuous nature of your relationship, I wouldn't expect that possibility would present itself anytime soon.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Mazza]

Yeah thats true, we did discuss about that when we were together, and we were thinking of having me here as a student first, though the only real decision was marriage, and she was very tedious about it.

 

I think thats something a long way away if it ever comes back to it, right now i gotta focus on getting her trust back, and re-establishing her friendship again before anything else, its... gonna be a long road, and full of uncertiny, but I hoping for some good energies and prayers are shining down on me, and at least things can be worked out, at any pace.

[BettyBoop]

First of all: DO NOT GO ON A SURPRISE TRIP!!!

 

A friend of mine, Aussie, did that to a girl and she didn't meet him up at the airport and then completely ignored him for his entire visit. She was as well "misunderstood" and had some "issues". I don't think this will work either to be honest. I'm involved with an aussie and he's been incredibly amazingly sweet with everything he has sacrificed for me...and I love him as much as he loves me. But when it comes to a girl who isn't sure of her feelings for you...well, distance only complicates things at it will never work between the two of you before she has dealt with her issues because the distance itself will only become a bigger issue.

 

I'd say, leave her alone, if you two are meant to be...then it will happen. But right now, it's not the right time for you two to be together.

[Elyssa]

I would advise against an international trip, which is going to cost you alot of money, to see a girl who doesn't even want to see you. It's only going to end up badly.

 

I'm a firm advocate of long-distance relationships, because I know first-hand that they do work, but I also believe this one isn't going to. You're obviously caring and willing, and she is...well, not. Find a girl that is willing to put as much effort as you are. Self-sacrifice in a relationship will only make you unhappy and bitter when you realize you're not getting enough to justify your efforts.

 

-E

[Mazza]

I think the only way things can ever happen is with time and patience, and working her through her issues, like pulling down bricks from a wall. I think that's wat was supposed to happen, where she wrote that email wanting to change this year - and kinda was happening until i pushed too far. I had a chance afterwards to be there for and help her along still though i pushed again.

 

I know during her few times when she let her guard down, she mentioned and said: "we need to take our time" and "patience was our key" - when mentioned to me we need to work through her issues first, and things were going to take a while.. though i said some wrong things when she got moody again, which was led to wat it is now. I know my mistakes now, and is willing to slowly work back and help her through, even if i have to be friends with her first.

 

sigh.. I know its a long and difficult thing to do.. and chances aren't that great.. but its willing to try for if you care for them very greatly, and if you try.. and you fail, at least you've done all you can.. right now I need to work on getting her trust back in me, and from there.. we can work slow.. If some great miracle happens way down the line.. you know it'll be very strong indeed.

Edited March 5, 2008 by Mazza

[carhill]

OP, when was the last time you talked to her on the phone? How much personal information have you exchanged?

 

I wonder if there is more to her situation than you know.....I wonder if she's really 20 and/or if she's really single...

[Mazza]

OP, when was the last time you talked to her on the phone? How much personal information have you exchanged?

 

I wonder if there is more to her situation than you know.....I wonder if she's really 20 and/or if she's really single...

 

We've exchanged a LOT of personal information. Infact, we shared everything with each other right down to the core, because between us we felt so comfortable sharing everything, and we never revealed so much to each other than to anybody else, i found out many things about her which she never told anyone, but told me. It was part of our special bond.

 

I talked to her through Skype a number of times, though it was more at the beginning and we didn't talk much after on it which was really bad, but we have talked via webcam every time we talked - so I know she is who she says, no problems there - she's just a very scared person, with unfortunate issues which has been developed through her teen years. I started out as friends when I helped her slowly with her issues, then she fell in love with me, and i continued to help her issues to the point where she wrote that email 'wanting to change this year, and fight her fears' - though has gone back to where she was, because i pushed her a bit tough much.

[carhill]

I understand this dynamic, over many years with someone.

 

OK, it's really up to you. This is a tortuous process, exacerbated by long distance. I'm really at a loss as to how I would proceed. You would take an enormous financial and emotional risk by going to her, but I really don't see any other way. You'll have to decide if it's worth it.

 

I really don't have anything else to add but to wish you well. Bonzer, as they say in some parts of Oz

[Mazza]

Well.. i think i have two options here:

 

1) - I can try and reason with her and the emails, and see if i can work back something slowly, and in 2 months time, fly over there, do my thing, and offer her the chance to see me. My betting is that she probably won't, even if we did talk again, though who knows when you finally meet together, wat kind of reaction it will be? Mostly likely a initial shock, though I know if she did accept it, then i'll have my chance to be and comfort her and make sure she has full trust in me, whether we go back together, or being friends only. It's a hard chance though.

 

or..

 

2) - I email her and wait.. for her response, or if i'll get one - and if i do, i'll slowly work my way back into her circle of trust, and try be her friend, and then slowly do things to ensure her im there, and possibly, there might be a time where she might give in,accept and be in again, even if its for a moment, and then i can make my redemption, and possibly fix things and go visit her. This one is a very unsure and mystery one though if I'll either talk with her, and if i hear nothing, i'll never get a chance.

 

but i know one thing.. i can't let things as they are. I know one choice seems right above the other, though one is full of unsurity, and one is a low, faint chance - ugh... i'm not sure.

 

But thanks for helping.. i've got some decisions to make

bonzer

Edited March 5, 2008 by Mazza

[Mazza]

Well.. i think i have two options here:

 

1) - I can try and reason with her and the emails, and see if i can work back something slowly, and in 2 months time, fly over there, do my thing, and offer her the chance to see me. My betting is that she probably won't, even if we did talk again, though who knows when you finally meet together, wat kind of reaction it will be? Mostly likely a initial shock, though I know if she did accept it, then i'll have my chance to be and comfort her and make sure she has full trust in me, whether we go back together, or being friends only. It's a hard chance though.

 

or..

 

2) - I email her and wait.. for her response, or if i'll get one - and if i do, i'll slowly work my way back into her circle of trust, and try be her friend, and then slowly do things to ensure her im there, and possibly, there might be a time where she might give in,accept and be in again, even if its for a moment, and then i can make my redemption, and possibly fix things and go visit her. This one is a very unsure and mystery one though if I'll either talk with her, and if i hear nothing, i'll never get a chance.

 

but i know one thing.. i can't let things as they are. I know one choice seems right above the other, though one is full of unsurity, and one is a low, faint chance - ugh... i'm not sure.

 

But thanks for helping.. i've got some decisions to make

bonzer

 

I'm quoting myself here

 

I think i realize I gotta do number #2 - and for some reason i feel hopeful, i dont know why. I had a talk my a close friend (an ex believe it or not) - and told her the whole story. She seems to know quite well what's happening and gave me the advice or time and space will work things out. She thinks its quite possible to slowly recover, which kinda scares me as who knows exactly huh?

 

I've written a email out about things, and accepted that its best to work through her issues as a close friend, before putting the pressure of a relationship on top of her. I won't say that exactly, but same meaning underneath. Yes.. its a hard thing to do especially when you love them very much, but its what you have to do. I'm waiting on sending the email to her, i'm thinking of giving it a couple of weeks possibly, then send it and let the ball be on her court.

[sb129]

Do that. Just be patient and be prepared that it might not work out the way you want it to.

 

You are pretty young- lots of time to work things through whether they work out or not.

 

Don't even TALK about marrying someone you haven't met in person yet.

[Mazza]

Thanks for the advice

 

Yes, i'll be very patient, as long as it takes for her to be that close good friend we were before, its all i'm working on right now. If i can get that at least I'll be very happy, all these things take much time, and patience, and knowing when to stop and go, its difficult, but can be defiantly done - time isn't a factor - as long as it takes.. thats fine.

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

You seem damned well determined to have it your way. It's heartbreaking to watch but this is most likely the only way you will ever learn, slow and painfully. It would be a wonderful and simple world if only the people we loved were willing to always fix their faults and we alone could "love them enough" to heal their pain and close their wounds. Unfortunately, that just isn't realistic. You can give 110 percent Effort OP, but that will not make up for the 50 percent she should be giving back. You can sit and wait around for her to be a different person, but she's only her. If you're going to love a person you need to take a good and realistic look at who they are NOW, right this second pre-any changes or self improvement, because there's no guarantee they will change or want to change or ever fulfill their full potential.

 

Now, if you were realistic and looking at this girl RIGHT NOW, she wouldn't be a suitable partner, but it's your heart and if you really think learning the hard way will change something do all you can only to be let down.

 

I am sorry for your heartache.

[Mazza]

You seem damned well determined to have it your way. It's heartbreaking to watch but this is most likely the only way you will ever learn, slow and painfully. It would be a wonderful and simple world if only the people we loved were willing to always fix their faults and we alone could "love them enough" to heal their pain and close their wounds. Unfortunately, that just isn't realistic. You can give 110 percent Effort OP, but that will not make up for the 50 percent she should be giving back. You can sit and wait around for her to be a different person, but she's only her. If you're going to love a person you need to take a good and realistic look at who they are NOW, right this second pre-any changes or self improvement, because there's no guarantee they will change or want to change or ever fulfill their full potential.

 

Now, if you were realistic and looking at this girl RIGHT NOW, she wouldn't be a suitable partner, but it's your heart and if you really think learning the hard way will change something do all you can only to be let down.

 

I am sorry for your heartache.

 

I know.. I do look at her how she is now, and i don't like it, it's really broken me already so many times- i want to let go but it seems I can't, at least with the way things are now. The thing is I knew about this way she acted before when we were close friends, she told me all about it how its a problem and major issue she had, where it's cost her most of her friends, only has a couple now (much thx to my help and support) she really does need help..

 

It seemed like she did want that from me, because of the way she felt - as she admitted in a meaningful email she wanted to change this year, though has gone back to her ways again.. prob helped because i pushed and did some things to lose her trust - thats whats kinda more upsetting to she rather than calling the relationship off, and now the one person she told everything about herself and all, and trusted she has turned her back on.. and not talking to me It's quite sad to see..

 

I wouldn't mind being her close friend again even, maybe with time and space away it might help. Anyway i'm just keeping away and doing my own thing for now, and i'll write a email to apologize and explain everything sincerly to clear up anything misconceptions, take it in and make her think on things hopefully, and leave the ball in her court to ponder. I've given it a week so far, i might give it another before emailing, but yes.. it's pretty sour considering of the journey thats happened..