Cold Feet or something more? Please help!

[Jana]

I'm 23 years old and engaged to be married in less than 6 months. My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years- he is the only serious boyfriend I have ever had, and prior to this relationship, I never even really dated. For about 6 months now, I've had major doubts regarding our future. I feel so guilty because I wonder how other relationships would be and I actually think about other guys. I feel like a horrible person because he is a great guy and my family loves him. I feel selfish because I keep thinking that I should have dated more to be certain about marriage. I think that somewhere along the line, I fell out of love with him. I still love him and care for him, but I feel as if he should just be a friend. My head tells me to marry him, that maybe it will all go away. After all, he's a good guy and will make a good husband/father. However, my heart wants me to be head over heels in love and 100% certain before marriage. I want passion and true love, not a friendship. Is this cold feet or something deeper? The wedding is so soon! What would you do?

[Shirley]

I'm 23 years old and engaged to be married in less than 6 months. My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years- he is the only serious boyfriend I have ever had, and prior to this relationship, I never even really dated. For about 6 months now, I've had major doubts regarding our future. I feel so guilty because I wonder how other relationships would be and I actually think about other guys. I feel like a horrible person because he is a great guy and my family loves him. I feel selfish because I keep thinking that I should have dated more to be certain about marriage. I think that somewhere along the line, I fell out of love with him. I still love him and care for him, but I feel as if he should just be a friend. My head tells me to marry him, that maybe it will all go away. After all, he's a good guy and will make a good husband/father. However, my heart wants me to be head over heels in love and 100% certain before marriage. I want passion and true love, not a friendship. Is this cold feet or something deeper? The wedding is so soon! What would you do?

 

Hi!

 

Marriage is a scary thing to a lot of people. And it could be why you're having doubts. What you need to do right now is think about how YOU feel about him. It doesn't matter how your parents feel, or how your friends feel, or even the fact that he would be a good father. None of that matters. All that matters is how you, yourself feel. Don't think about what the future holds. When you're in love with someone, and they have that same feeling for you, that feeling will never go away. And the two of you will be able to accomplish anything together. Here are a few things to think about to help decide whether or not you're in love with him. When he's sad, your sad. When he's happy, you're happy. When you do things together, it won't matter how well you like what you're doing. Just being with him makes you happy. If he's on his death bed, you'd wish that you could take his place, so he could go on living. Do you two have chemistry together? Do you feel tingles when he touches you? And it doesn't even have to be a sexual touch. You will feel tingles when he holds your hand. If any of these feelings are missing, then don't get married. But if you have all of these feelings, then go with it, and let yourself love him for the rest of your life.

[Totally Confused]

True love is a friendship. The funny feeling fades with any relationship. Now if there is no passion, that's a different story. I'm not saying it has to be hot steamy passion, but definitely there should be some sort of yearning and attraction for him, otherwise, he might as well be just a friend or a brother. What you have to do is picture yourself without this man in your life. How does that make you feel? A girl I used to work with once told me that she started having doubts about her fiance, a couple of months before the wedding. Then her grandmother asked her that question. Her answer was, "Oh my god, I couldn't live the rest of my life without him. I'd die." That's when she knew he was the one.

 

If you don't feel that way, or is you are still unsure, then the answer is, this is not the man for you. Though he may be a wonderful guy and will make a great husband and father, does not mean he's the one for you. My roommate Tony is a great guy. He's funny, sweet, cute and will one day make an incredible father and husband...but I would never marry him. I don't love him.

 

All you have to do is ask yourself any question you want an answer to. The first answer that pops into your mind is the one. All you have to do is ask yourself the right questions...

 

1. Can I live without him?

 

2. Do I need more time to decide if marriage is the right thing for me? (this is your life and if you need more time, then you take it - no matter what the cost. Better safe than sorry).

 

3. Do I want to try to date other people, because I've never had the chance to explore other men?

 

4. Do I want to marry at such a young age?

 

5. Do you have other things you want to accomplish as a young single woman? (career,travel, etc.)?

 

6. Am I settling, because I'm afraid if I don't marry this man, I may never get asked again...and then will I end up an old maid? (Getting married out of fear of ending up alone is not the answer. You'll end up miserable).

 

Marry because you're ready, not because everyone around you is telling you you're ready. Feelings change, especially when you're young and still growing and exploring who you are. Marriage is supposed to be forever, so make sure it's what you really and truely want - with no doubts what-so-ever.

 

Again, it may be jitters, but at the same time, your heart and head are asking these questions and they are real questions and concerns that are there for a reason. Don't ignore them.

 

Anyway, I hope you are able to work things out in your head and I hope you decide on what's best for you.