Do you love your kids more than your SO?

[AlwaysTomorrow]

 

I only asked him where a child we may have would fit in (would he love his son more than than our child, would he play favorites with his son always coming out on top. Because it would not be fair to a child we might have for him to do more for his son than our child. It should be equal. I also don't understand is reasoning that he loves his son more than me (ok, fine) but if we had a child together he would love ME more than that child? How does that make any sense? I also wasn't saying I don't expect his son not to come first. I KNOW his son comes first. I don't have a problem with that and I'm not saying that should change. I wouldn't be in this relationship if I'd ever had a problem with his son coming first.

 

 

Why would you even ask such a ridiculous question? Stupid questions get stupid answers. He was trying to make you feel better darling!

[AlwaysTomorrow]

I would NEVER come out and ask an SO "do you love me more than... your exes, your child, your parents,your brother, your dog etc." so I'm not sure why everyone is saying why would you ask him such a question.

 

You sure did ask a question along those lines..

 

 

What I don't understand is that I asked him if he and I have a child together, will he love that child more than me?

 

As soon as you realize YOUR faults in this whole mess, the sooner you can grow as a person and become more understanding..

[amaysngrace]

I agree with you Lexi that it was an insensitive thing to say. But don't let it play on your head too much. It was honest. He was being honest. You can't fault the guy for that.

 

But I think you should let it go. He made a mistake by saying it out loud. Don't hold it over his head for too long. He said he was sorry and tried to make it right from almost the moment the words left his lips.

 

Find forgiveness and let it go.

[AlwaysTomorrow]

 

I mean seriously, if you were marrying someone or married and had a child from a previous relationship would you decide to announce out of nowhere (without any prompting) to your SO that you will never love them as much as you love your child (from a previous relationship)? I don't think many people would do that. It really hurt that he volunteered that information because that thought (who does he love more?) never crossed my mind. I didn't compare how he treated me to how he treated his son because its two totally different things. And I don't understand why when we are happy and planning a wedding and getting along great, he would just announce to me that he will never feel as strongly about me as he feels for his son??? I've never asked him that question and never once have I ever tried to take any time away from his son or tried to get him to "choose" me over his son. His son and I get along wonderfully.

 

 

Doesn't this go without saying?

The fact that you are completely destroyed by this comment shows that his inklings were right: you have some type of jealousy and rivalry towards his son and he wanted to put you in your place before walking down the aisle.

Honestly, you sound like a bigger kid than his son and will you really require this much attention from him to make this work??

[amaysngrace]

Why shouldn't he speak the truth to someone he is marrying. It is best she knows how he feels and best that he knows he is dealing with an emotionally immature person. That way if their relationship stands a chance, they can work on issues before they marry. Instead of plodding forward and someone letting resntment build up and cheating.

 

He didn't need to say anything. It goes without saying. He loves his child more than anything else in this world. She gets that. But she didn't need to hear that. He was wrong for saying it in the way that he said it and he knew it because he tried to apologize to her for it.

 

I don't think she is being emotionally immature by being hurt. I don't try to judge people for how they feel or call them names because they do.

 

That's what I'd also call being insensitive.

 

On a side note, I hadn't realized you were clairvoyant and could predict the outcome of their marriage so easily from this one incident alone.

 

Care to lend me your crystal ball?

[lexi29]

Why are you continually trying to compete with a child? It is sick and you should re-think about getting married with this unhealthy attitude and outlook on the situation.

It is pure disrespect and unfair to even ask someone that question.

Asking such a question just shows how thoughtless and selfish you are. Do you expect a man or woman to love some new boyfriend or wife more than their own children?? Even if you created those children with him, of course he will put those kids first and he should! You would too!

 

I'm guessing that he sensed some type of competition you have with his son in either your remark and/or tone and he DID NOT LIKE THAT!

I wouldn't either if someone tried to compare themselves with my own child!! HELL!!! NO!!!

 

 

AlwaysTomorrow, no offense but you might try actually READING my thread before you respond next time. No where did I say I ASKED him who he loved more.

 

I NEVER compared myself to his son. HE TOLD ME THIS WITHOUT ME ASKING!!!!!! Understand now,. Yes it is unfair and disrespectful to ask someone if they love their child (or mother or brother or one of their exes) more than they you.

 

I NEVER ASKED HIM THAT QUESTION

I NEVER ASKED HIM THAT QUESTION

my fiance volunteered this information out of nowhere. AGAIN we were having a fun conversation and joking around and out of the blue he made the statement "I"ll never love you as much as I love (his son).

 

I never compared myself to his child, and I"m not in competition with his child. His son tells me all the time he wishes I was his mother because he feels closer to me and I treat him better than his own mother (Long story). There are no jealous or competitive feelings on my part toward an 8 yr old child. Asking someone if they love their child more than you is ridiculous and I NEVER DID THAT. My fiance told me this information with no discussion or prompting from me. We weren't even on a similar subject when it came up.

 

And once again, I'm not upset that he loves his son more than me (even though it is two very different things so I dont' see how anyone could make a comparison. If he treated his child like he was 2nd best and always put me before his son, I wouldn't be with him. Thats one of the reasons I love him so much is because he is a good father.

 

Anyway this incident doesn't bother me any more. I was just hurt by the way he brought it up out of nowhere (I didnt' ask for it) and it sounded so cold when he said it. I'm over it.

[lexi29]

He didn't need to say anything. It goes without saying. He loves his child more than anything else in this world. She gets that. But she didn't need to hear that. He was wrong for saying it in the way that he said it and he knew it because he tried to apologize to her for it.

 

I don't think she is being emotionally immature by being hurt. I don't try to judge people for how they feel or call them names because they do.

 

That's what I'd also call being insensitive.

 

On a side note, I hadn't realized you were clairvoyant and could predict the outcome of their marriage so easily from this one incident alone.

 

Care to lend me your crystal ball?

 

 

Thank you!! you hit the nail on the head. You summed it up perfectly what I"ve been trying to say in my many responses.

 

I have always been aware that my fiance's son is #1 and that he loves his son more than anything else in the world. I wouldnt' have it any other way!! I was just hurt by my fiance's bringing that to my attention (and the way he said it made it sound like an insult.) This came after a great day we'd had together, and we just recently got engaged and there was no reason for him to bring this (already known) fact up. As I said before I love his son as well (also different from the love my fiance feels for him) and I've never felt that I have to compete with him or that I resent him in any way. He's a child and the only feelings I have toward him are of love and to protect him and keep him safe.

[lexi29]

Then obviously you do have a problem.

You really need some added perspective on this before marrying someone with these twisted thoughts. Speak to a family member or psych about this.

In no way, shape, or form should you be associating yourself and place in a man's life with his child.

 

 

How does him putting his son first having ANYTHING to do with you being not treated as an "equal partner"??

 

 

I am NOT the one who compared myself to his son. Never at all during the almost 4 years that we've been together have I ever wondered "Hmm does he love (his son) more than me?" NEVER. I honestly have NEVER compared the two. Its not a competition, it is a relationship. I really don't believe love should be measured and that was why I was suprised and hurt when my fiance brought this up. He volunteered this information without any asking or prompting from me HE IS THE ONE WHO COMPARED THE TWO. And yes I didn't title my thread correctly. It should be titled "would you deliberately tell your SO that you will never love them as much as you love your child?" Because even though its true and I expect it. I really see no reason for someone to come out and say that to their SO.

[carhill]

Has he acknowledged your emotions in the matter? If not, it's a great opportunity for communication. From your OP, it sounds to me like he saw your pain and tried to explain his position, but I saw no empathy expressed for your feelings. Feel free to correct me.

 

I see it as a man who felt completely at ease and open with his partner and expressed something that was and is his truth. He now realizes that truth can hurt his partner. With further communication, you can assure him that being open with you is encouraged and that you can work together to better understand each of your perspectives when these moments arise. I think that understanding is key to mitigating hurt feelings.

 

Look at it this way. A man who loves with that depth is going to make a great husband

[StartingOver07]

Lexi, is it possible that this comment had nothing to do with you? You've mentioned that your BF had a GF before you. Perhaps she was not accepting of your BF's love for his son, so he blurted out what he did because he felt he has to make double, triple, quadruple sure that you understand this? Granted, it was a very inelegant way of making the point and perhaps a point that didn't need to be made at all. This is what makes me wonder if there is some history for your BF that caused him to say this.

 

As for how he will feel if you two have a child, I suspect he will love his new child every bit as much as the son he has now, but I would expect some conflict in him. His son has apparently had a lot of hard knocks in his life, including a mother who either doesn't love him or can't show it properly. So your bf is likely to always feel more protective of your son. Any child the two of you have will be blessed with two loving parents and none of theconflict your bf's son has had to endure. So your BF may be reflecting here his desire to make up for lost love on his son's part. He will not want his son to feel like the odd man out.

 

I don't know your bf nor your relationship, but I am just thinking that there could be other reasons why your bf said what he did.

[lexi29]

Lexi, is it possible that this comment had nothing to do with you? You've mentioned that your BF had a GF before you. Perhaps she was not accepting of your BF's love for his son, so he blurted out what he did because he felt he has to make double, triple, quadruple sure that you understand this? Granted, it was a very inelegant way of making the point and perhaps a point that didn't need to be made at all. This is what makes me wonder if there is some history for your BF that caused him to say this.

 

I don't know your bf nor your relationship, but I am just thinking that there could be other reasons why your bf said what he did.

 

You are probably right- I"m over this now- It doesnt' upset me anymore that he said this. It was just the tone of voice he used when he said it and the fact that it wasn't even related to what we were talking/laughing about just 5 seconds before he blurted that out. There is no history between he and I of any problems with his son or any resentment, jealousy etc on my part. I actually do more for his son than his son's mother has ever done. My bf did date extensively before me and since he had his son living with him he dated two women both who had children and complained that they both put their children above his son and that neither really paid any attention to his son and that bothered him. When I started dating him I'd never dated anyone with a child, so it was an adjustment but if there was a problem between us (related to his son) I think in almost 4 years it would have come up already.

 

The only thing I can think of is that he also told me (about a month ago) that his son will never love me as much as he loves him (his dad) and that he's a daddy's boy. I didn't think much of it. Just smiled and said "yeah obviously I know that) and this was after his son was stuck to my side for about two weeks. WHen I'd come over he'd hug me, sit on my lap, and keep telling me he loves me. He picked out a ring they got me for Valentine's day and he wanted ME to help him with his homework, make his dinner, play games with him and basically ignored his dad for these few weeks. he is still cuddling with me every day and telling me he loves me (the son) and he is THRILLED that his dad and I are getting married. So maybe my fiance is worried that his son doesn't appreciate him/show him as much affection as he has been showing me the last month or so (he started this right after my fiance I got back together)??

 

Thats the only thing that I can think of that maybe my fiance could possibly resent ME a tiny bit because his son is now so attached to me? I have no idea. Probably WAY off base but thats the only thing I can think of. I really wish I could change the title of this thread because its not really what I was trying to ask. I already know the answer to that. I just wondered if most people would come out and TELL their SO they love their child more because it felt strange that he just blurted that out.

[amaysngrace]

You are so sweet:rolleyes: and that chick better grow some thicker skin if that statement hurt her. Marriage isn't for the easily bruised egos.

 

I prefer sweet to bitter anyday.

[silktricks]

When children are young it can/does often feel as if you love them more than anyone else. Because of the depth of the love you feel for them, it can also be frightening to see someone else become important to that child. It can feel like you might be losing your child's love - and that would probably feel like you've cut off a hand or an arm.

 

So... it could be that your SO actually felt somewhat fearful of two separate issues. 1. That his son's affection for you (and yours for him) might interfere somewhat in his relationship with his son. and 2. That your expectations may change after marriage. Basically, that you may come to expect that he would love you more than he loves his child - and that feels impossible to him right now.

 

Obviously the true issue for you is that he blurted this out of the blue. Tact is probably not his strongest virtue, but it sounds like he has many other virtues.

 

I'm glad that you are over the pain of this, but you should both sit down and have a discussion about your concerns - especially any concerns you may have regarding future children.

 

To actually answer your question, however, my answer is probably different from most. My children are grown and have children of their own. I did not raise them with the idea that they should love me more than they love their spouses, and would frankly be upset if they did. When married, IMO your spouse should come first, followed by your children - not the other way around. I've heard many say that your spouse could leave, but the truth is, your children WILL leave. If they do not leave and make a life of their own, separate from you, then (again IMO) you have not done a proper job of raising them.

[shanny]

It looks like you are getting very different replies from people with kids and those without. I personally, without kids or without the desire for kids, would be hurt by what he said first. I don't understand the whole parent kid relationship. Frankly, I don't like kids. I don't understand the wonderful bond people are talking about. This makes me want to ask my bf if he loves his kids more than me. I bet he would say yes. What I'm trying to say is that I totally understand why you are upset, but all the people out there with kids don't get it.

[MakeLemonade]

It looks like you are getting very different replies from people with kids and those without. I personally, without kids or without the desire for kids, would be hurt by what he said first. I don't understand the whole parent kid relationship. Frankly, I don't like kids. I don't understand the wonderful bond people are talking about. This makes me want to ask my bf if he loves his kids more than me. I bet he would say yes. What I'm trying to say is that I totally understand why you are upset, but all the people out there with kids don't get it.

 

This could just as easily be said the opposite way, you realize, that the people with kids are the ones who "get" it and those without, don't, and that is why they get upset. Kinda invalidates that a bit I think.

 

My opine on this whole deal, is he loves you Lexi, he just said something without thinking about it, men do it all the time, my hubby does it daily .

 

He also sounds like he got a bit defensive when you were trying to "pull" a trick on him to get him to give you what you want that his son does - in his mind - this is probably something, for just between him and his son. They are still going to have to be allowed to have father/son things just between them.

 

I am going to be blunt here, I have been reading this post as it has unfolded and YOU also sound very defensive, and immature at times. Are you an only child by any chance? I am and it was very hard for me to assimilate into a marriage, and then have kids (twins, now 2) because I was so very self-involved. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing when I was single, but as a married woman with child(ren), you are going to have to evolve out of that mindset or there will probably be issues in your marriage as a result - just speaking from my situation, not trying to forecast yours, maybe everything will be roses and rainbows. Mine wasn't, I have had some very difficult lessons to learn to the effect of, it isn't all about me.

 

I know you love your fiancee and he, you - I also know you care very much for his son. Hopefully you will be able to be a great family together, that is my wish for you.

[angie2443]

It looks like you are getting very different replies from people with kids and those without. I personally, without kids or without the desire for kids, would be hurt by what he said first. I don't understand the whole parent kid relationship. Frankly, I don't like kids. I don't understand the wonderful bond people are talking about. This makes me want to ask my bf if he loves his kids more than me. I bet he would say yes. What I'm trying to say is that I totally understand why you are upset, but all the people out there with kids don't get it.

 

 

If you don't like kids, you should not be involved with a man who has children! This is a horrible thing to do to his kids. Find a man who doesn't have and doesn't want kids, and then you won't run the risk of hurting anyone's children.

[melodymatters]

I think people are off base for being so harsh about your honest feeling of hurt.

 

As somoene with a child, who has dated people with children, I think this should NOT be said. It sets a bad tone, and who needs to play comparison games anyway.

 

I TRULY BELIEVE, and have said here before, that a blended family needs to use triage. Every one is equal and who ever has the most pressing need, gets the lions share of attention and or love at that time.

 

Any man who feels the need to make the declaritive statement " my child/children will always come first" tends to be a little too on the dramatic side for me anyway.

 

You can love your child, your parents who have always cared for you, and your SO, in equal measure and yet different ways, and IMO, thats the way it should be.

[lexi29]

My opine on this whole deal, is he loves you Lexi, he just said something without thinking about it, men do it all the time, my hubby does it daily .

 

He also sounds like he got a bit defensive when you were trying to "pull" a trick on him to get him to give you what you want that his son does - in his mind - this is probably something, for just between him and his son. They are still going to have to be allowed to have father/son things just between them.

 

I am going to be blunt here, I have been reading this post as it has unfolded and YOU also sound very defensive, and immature at times. Are you an only child by any chance? I am and it was very hard for me to assimilate into a marriage, and then have kids (twins, now 2) because I was so very self-involved. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing when I was single, but as a married woman with child(ren), you are going to have to evolve out of that mindset or there will probably be issues in your marriage as a result - just speaking from my situation, not trying to forecast yours, maybe everything will be roses and rainbows. Mine wasn't, I have had some very difficult lessons to learn to the effect of, it isn't all about me.

 

I know you love your fiancee and he, you - I also know you care very much for his son. Hopefully you will be able to be a great family together, that is my wish for you.

 

 

Nope, not any only child, I have a sister. The reason I probably come off sounding so defensive is so many people were saying "you asked who he loved more, how dare you! Why would you compare yourself to his child, why would you ask him to choose who he loves more etc?" and I kept having to repeat myself that I NEVER ASKED HIM. My fiance made this comparison on his own. I would never ask him or anyone else such a question. That is like asking your parents who they love more, you or your siblings. Innapropriate question. The whole post was that my fiance TOLD me this info without any asking, or anything on my part. We weren't even on the subject. It does not bother me anymore, its over with but I just found it hurtful and odd that someone would volunteer that type of information and that HE was comparing what he felt for me to what he feels for his child.

That is why I was so frustrated is that people were responding as if I had asked my fiance who he loves more or that I WANT him to put me first in his life (before his son) None of that is true. I've known it isn't all about ME from the first time we started dating. His son comes first. I've never had a problem with that.

 

Everyone,

thanks for all the advice, opinions etc I appreciate it.

[AlwaysTomorrow]

I am NOT the one who compared myself to his son. Never at all during the almost 4 years that we've been together have I ever wondered "Hmm does he love (his son) more than me?" NEVER. I honestly have NEVER compared the two. Its not a competition, it is a relationship. I really don't believe love should be measured and that was why I was suprised and hurt when my fiance brought this up. He volunteered this information without any asking or prompting from me HE IS THE ONE WHO COMPARED THE TWO. And yes I didn't title my thread correctly. It should be titled "would you deliberately tell your SO that you will never love them as much as you love your child?" Because even though its true and I expect it. I really see no reason for someone to come out and say that to their SO.

 

 

YOU HAVE COMPARED YOURSELF TO THIS CHILD THIS ENTIRE THREAD!!! IF YOU CANNOT stand to look in the mirror and face your flaws in all of this, your marriage doesn't have a chance. You are too thick-headed and stubborn.. you cannot even deal with criticism from strangers. You aren't ready for message boards or even marriage.. you need a counsellor and PRONTO before marrying this man.

Edited March 7, 2008 by AlwaysTomorrow

[lexi29]

YOU HAVE COMPARED YOURSELF TO THIS CHILD THIS ENTIRE THREAD!!! IF YOU CANNOT stand to look in the mirror and face your flaws in all of this, your marriage doesn't have a chance. You are too thick-headed and stubborn.. you cannot even deal with criticism from strangers. You aren't ready for message boards or even marriage.. you need a counsellor and PRONTO before marrying this man.

 

 

I have no problem with criticism from strangers. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, if I thought I was totally right about the issue I would not have posted asking the opinions of others. And I even thanked everyone for taking the time to share their thoughts. I don't think you have any clue as to whether my marriage stands a chance. You don't possibly have enough info to speculate on that. Even in the place you quoted me I did not compare myself to his son. Sorry you feel the way you do. I feel badly for you- you obviously have anger issues and perhaps problems with reading comprehension.

[Lishy]

YOU HAVE COMPARED YOURSELF TO THIS CHILD THIS ENTIRE THREAD!!! IF YOU CANNOT stand to look in the mirror and face your flaws in all of this, your marriage doesn't have a chance. You are too thick-headed and stubborn.. you cannot even deal with criticism from strangers. You aren't ready for message boards or even marriage.. you need a counsellor and PRONTO before marrying this man.

 

Always .... I really do not think you read Lexi's words properly. Either that or you are just interpreting what you THINK she done

 

She never compared herself to his son - She loves his son, and he her.

 

Her problem was not with the boy, it was with the way her SO said what he did, out of the blue, with no warning or reason.

 

She sould not get her head around why he said that and it hurt her that he felt the need to say that.

 

Lexi .... I have a strong feeling that your SO is jealous of how much attention his son gives YOU!

I think he wants to be the centre of attention with his son (understandable) and he felt the need to blurt that out as a coping mechanism.

 

I would feel put out if my son spent more time with my BF than me.

[lexi29]

Always ....Her problem was not with the boy, it was with the way her SO said what he did, out of the blue, with no warning or reason.

 

She sould not get her head around why he said that and it hurt her that he felt the need to say that.

 

Lexi .... I have a strong feeling that your SO is jealous of how much attention his son gives YOU!

I think he wants to be the centre of attention with his son (understandable) and he felt the need to blurt that out as a coping mechanism.

 

I would feel put out if my son spent more time with my BF than me.

 

 

Thank you, exactly what I was trying to express. I see your point of view about my SO possibly being jealous and I never thought of it that way. I think his son is just acting very loving toward me because of the break up a few months ago and he wants me to stick around and so he is very clingy to me. He knows his dad will always be there for him no matter what but the women in his life (including his mother) have come and gone and so I suspect he is just extra affectionate because he doesn't want to lose another female figure he feels close to. I never thought that it might make my SO a little jealous. I need to take his feelings into consideration. Thank you for pointing out what he might be feeling.