Fight about pseudo-ex, don't know what to do now

[horcubee]

[warning: this is a long story]

 

Wednesday was my 2 year dating anniversary with my boyfriend. We had a wonderful romantic dinner that night and in general, our relationship has been a good one. We have been living together for almost a year now.

 

The next morning, he tells me that he's having dinner with his girl friend, whom he messed around with in high school and still maintains a volatile friendship with. In fact, last night was the first time they've met in 6 months. I have met her in the past and heard all the details about their stormy friendship. She seemed very nice and has a long-term boyfriend, so I had no qualms about their dinner date.

 

It had been a long week so I decided to go to bed early. As I was falling asleep, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend and his friend coming into the apartment, apparently drunk and rowdy. He seemed to think that I wasn't home and settled into the living room with his friend.

 

I was a little annoyed that he hadn't told me that his friend would be coming over, but I was too tired to bother and tried to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, their conversation got louder in minutes and they started talking about their relationship in high school. His friend began saying how much she had thought about turning their friendship into a relationship, and they began to discuss, with sexual details, about the "what-if" scenario.

 

I was so shocked at what I had heard, and so hurt that he didn't remind his friend of his relationship with me, that I didn't know what to do. I was about to make my presence felt when my boyfriend walked into the bedroom and realized I was home and wide awake.

 

I conveyed my anger and that I had heard their conversation, but all he did was apologize for waking me up, close the bedroom door, and continue his conversation with his friend in the balcony. I was so upset that he was apparently dismissing me that I tearfully ran out of the apartment to my neighbour's house nearby. I didn't return home until midnight, after crying on my neighbour's shoulder at my boyfriend's insensitivity.

 

When I got home, I woke my boyfriend up and we fought for 2 hours about what I had thought I heard. He insists the comments he made ("maybe in 10 or 20 years, we'd be able to have a relationship...or maybe in 5 or 10...wait, I guess I shouldn't say that here") were taken out of context by me and that those were his thoughts when he was still single, before he met me. He said he was thinking about how wonderful our relationship is while his friend was bringing this all up, and that he wanted to say that he was happy with me, but he didn't want to "rub it in" or hurt her feelings (if he's afraid to hurt her feelings by bringing me up, doesn't that show his acknowledgement that his ex still has feelings for him?!!).

 

He then turned the tables on me. He was upset that I walked out on him and didn't let him know where I had gone. He claims that I don't trust his love for me and was hurt by me leaving.

 

We have discussed our way into a tense limbo, where I don't know what to think anymore. I love my boyfriend and we have plans to marry in 2 years...but I don't know how to get over this misunderstanding, my jealousy at his ex for bringing up the topic, and his refusal to admit that he had done anything wrong.

 

Help me...did I overreact? Am I right to be angry at his friend? Am I right to be angry at my boyfriend for refusing to defend his relationship with me? I would appreciate your honest, blunt views.

[Tony T]

I would be very angry that he brought her home unannounced and that they started a loud and inconsiderate discussion of their relationship.

 

Your guy is the one who brought her home and allowed this type of conversation. You can't blame the girl. Your guy is only mad at you because you found him out, you heard their conversation, and you uncovered his lack of consideration and respect. People with child-like ego states, which number many, will always turn things around on the accuser.

 

I didn't hear what the two of them said all night but if he didn't make it very clear to her that he was in a great relationship, I would flat break up with him.

 

Have another conversation with him and stay calm. You won't resolve this if you get all huffy and emotional. It just won't happen. But you need to let him know clearly the disrespect he showed you. Understand he will get defensive because he has not yet sufficiently matured to take responsibility for his actions.

 

From that point, I think you need to insist he not see or talk to this lady again. What purpose does it serve? There's simply no need for them to remain in contact...unless they've got something going.

 

If I were seeing somebody as rude and disrespectful as your boyfriend, I would just flat leave them. But I'm a bit older than you and my tolerance for taking crap is a lot less. I'm sure you can work this out in your own way...but make sure this doesn't happen again.

[horcubee]

Thanks for your thoughts, Tony. I agree with you about the disrespect he showed and told him as much over the weekend. We each explained our points of view and have resolved to show more respect from now on.

 

On your comment about his friend...is it reasonable for me to tell him not to see her anymore? Isn't that an ultimatum? I don't want to control his choices and as much as I'd prefer it, I feel uncomfortable asking him not to see her anymore. On the other hand, lately I've been imagining him sneaking off to see this girl whenever he is home by himself or is out & about in our neighbourhood (the girl lives 3 blocks away from us). I know I am jumping to conclusions and that he is faithful...but this has really shaken me up.

 

What do you think?

[Angel]

Rule of Thumb:

 

Old girl friends should not be a part of your man's life- in any way shape or form.

 

It keeps everyone honest. Plain and simple.

 

Either he buys it, or you leave. Plain and simple.

 

Don't justify yourself, don't ask questions, don't question yourself. Plain and simple.

 

Problem resolved.

 

That's my take on it. Hope it helps.