Always the perfect couple --> Now she wants a "break"

[Dave7777]

I stumbled on this forum searching Yahoo, and was very impressed with the compassion and help users here are willing to give to people they don't even know. Here's my heartbreaking tale...

 

I'm 25 years old (last week), in October '02 I met the most incredible girl I could have ever wished to meet. She's 21, she's beautiful, caring, smart, funny ...everything. When we met the sparks were flying. We each felt a very powerful connection between the two of us. Throughout our relationship we've been fortunate that we've always been able to share our deepest feelings and communicate with each other in very healthy ways. We share many likes/dislikes, which is why we always have a great time with each other. We have fun with each others families, and everyone says we're perfect for each other. Her parents think the world of me and never stop talking to their friends about her and I. Both of us have never been in love before, but I know this is what it must feel like - and it really is the most incredible feeling in the world. She’s the last thought in my mind at night, and the first in the morning – it all makes me so happy.

 

So what's wrong you ask! For years, she’s suffered from panic disorders and generalized anxiety. I feel those problems started a snowball of confusion in her head. Five months into our relationship she had an attack where she called me at home and told me she wanted to take a break for a month - totally out of the blue! She also said she’s not sure if she’s really in love with me, and because it's her 1st serious relationship she's not sure what other relationships are out there for her. She was 20 at the time, and because I was only her 2nd real relationship I could understood where she was coming from. Well, this was all over the phone, so I told her I wanted to drive (40 min) to see her in person. When I got there I was a little angry, but tried not to show it. She elaborated on the issues above and I calmly told her that I loved her and if she needed a break to search herself, then I'd support her. An hour after I returned home that night, she called me and said she didn't mean anything she said, claimed it was a panic attack, and she does not want to take a break. I got back in my car and drove back 40 minutes just to hold her. Both of us really felt that that night made us stronger as a couple.

 

Between then and now, there have been other things in her life that upset her condition. Her brother, who she's very close with, recently came out of the closet (I supported her and her whole family, and they were all very grateful); she's had anxiety about her final years in college, and whether her choices are right for the career/life she eventually wants; and she's struggled with health problems such as 3 months without a period and a kidney infection which has since been cured, and other minor problems. She sees a therapist weekly and has been prescribed medication to help her through rough times; fortunately, she only takes them only when absolutely necessary for fear of becoming dependant on them. She does try to tackle her problems by herself, which I feel is healthy, but also risky because it can backfire and cause her more anxiety problems.

 

Since the episode this March, things have been great. We've had plans 2 or 3 times a week and have a great time. Intimate moments between us have always been beautiful and only make me fall more in love with her. Then last week started. I knew she was having bad anxiety for a couple of days, and she said she what the cause was. She originally told me it was issues with her brother and his boyfriend, and issues with her father going through changes at his job. Through the week I could tell that things really weren't right with her, but as I asked, those were the answers I kept receiving. Last night she called at 7:30pm and asked if she could come over, odd and out of routine but I of course said yes. As soon as I hung up the phone, a feeling of dread entered my body. I knew something was wrong. I started putting 2 + 2 together and realized that the anxiety throughout the week may have been about us. Flashbacks from that night in March came to me.

 

When she came over, she said she's not sure if our lives are headed in the same direction (a BS statement, 'cause they really are) and that she felt guilty living an upper-class lifestyle, when I was middle-class – not in those words. She said she's often uncomfortable telling me things like a pair of jeans she bought on a whim for $140 (w/ her parents $). Odd thing is, she's heading towards a career that is NOT known for making money. I always tell her that I'm completely okay with her lifestyle and career choice. I told her that clothes are a passion/hobby of hers, and have my own hobbies where I might put excess money into as well - which is fine. I bluntly asked her if she is ever worried that in the future I might not be able to provide her the lifestyle she's used to. She immediately said no that never worries her. The odd thing, is that she's always told me she's "not like those other snobby materialistic people in her area" ...but I think she may be a little more than she thinks she is. Hell, if i could spend my parents money like she does, I'd do it too!

 

Interesting thing is, we're not so different that this should even be an issue. I have my own car, a good steady job, and I'm 3 credits away from my Masters degree in business. I even insist on paying for dinners/nights out 90% of the time! …could this all be a fake problem to pose to me?

 

I asked her last night if she's still in love with me. She paused and had trouble answering it - that really hurt. She's not sure. Then, both of us went down the list of elements that make a relationship work, and we really are perfect on everything. It seems she may have just lost the spark.

 

We ended last night on terms that I wouldn't contact her at all, and she would call on 7/15, and we wouldn't see anyone else. I told her of course, if she works things out before then to call me whenever she's ready. I was very strong, and extremely receptive and open to listen and talk about her feelings last night. Only after she left did reality sink in and I really began to cry through the night.

 

I really take consolation I knowing that I really did give the relationship everything I had to offer - and if she still feels something is missing then that's out of my hands and we’re just not meant to be. But I truly hope she comes around because she is so incredibly special to me.

 

-Dave

[devinmusicman]

Your story sounds a lot like mine, man. A little over a month ago (it feels like 5 years, but it was just a month), my girlfriend simply "fell out of love" with me, and tearfully broke up with me on the phone. I have to say that the way you are handling it seems to be a lot more mature than I did at first. I was respectful of my ex's decision, and the first few days was relaxed. But I guess it was just shock. Within a few days I found myself on the floor crying and begging her look at it from mu perspective, and take me back. It was all in vain. She was tolerant of all this. But after 3 weeks, I could tell she had had enough even thought she didn't admit it. So, against my gut instinct, I decided to cut all contact with her for a while.

 

This didn't seem like the right thing to do at all at first. I loved her with all my heart, and when you love someone you WANT to talk to them. But it's been nearly 2 weeks now since I've last spoken with her, and overall things have been somewhat better. The last couple of days have been a roller coaster of emotions for some reason, but overall this temporary break (we are supposed to start talking again on the 7th) has helped me think more clearly about the situation: maybe we aren't meant for each other after all.

 

But enough about me here; I'm glad to hear that you have skipped the pouting and denial stage that I went through. It takes a lot of guts to drop off contact with someone you love right away, I know I sure didn't. And the fact that this early in the breakup you are already coming to the realization that maybe your relationship wasn't meant to be is great. You're still going to love her for a while, that's inevidable (over a month later I still have love that I want my ex to reclaim). But take this time apart to redefine yourself. If you like hanging out with friends, do that. I for one kind of prefer to be alone when I am feeling low. But to each his own.

 

And hang in there; 'cause that's the best we can do right now.

[Tony T]

The problem here has nothing to do with you at all. I don't really think she's coming clean with you regarding to totality of the diagnoses of her mental state. In addition to generalized anxiety and panic disorder, I am almost certain she has some agoraphobia and she definitely shows signs of borderline personality disorder. That's my feeling based only on my personal studies and cannot be relied upon because I haven't ever met this lady or talked to her.

 

The bottom line is I think she loves you very much but there are several problems working in the background that make it very difficult for her to have an intimate long term relationship with you. First, I'm sure she has a fear that over a long period of time you will grow to be intolerant of her neuroses. There is no doubt in my mind that she has worked extremely hard to mask a lot of it for your benefit...so you would not see just how bad of a problem she has. She then fears that once you've had enough, you will abandon her...as others have in the past. Therefore, she is going to leave you first and beat you to the punch.

 

She also seems to have some of the underpinnings of borderline personality disorder. This is an extremely complex disorder and you can read more about it by clicking the following: http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html Scroll down the page and read in its entirety. Again, I have not talked to this lady so I am only speculating.

 

You have only one solution to this. Once you have looked inside yourself and made the absolute decision that you are willing to live with this problem she has forever, the you have to somehow go through the hell of proving to her that you will be there for her no matter what.

 

Frankly, I think her condition could be managed a lot better by new, more effective medications. She obviously doesn't like to take medication and that's part of the anxiety. At the root of panic disorder, besides being a neurochemical imbalance, is the fear of death. People with panic disorder often fear taking new medications because they feel it will either kill them, cause them to panic, or cause a reaction with the other medication they are on. You will find that when a new medication is prescribed, she will take it in pieces...chop it up and take it a small piece at a time to be sure she has no reaction to it.

 

Anyway, if she can find an excellent doctor who is also an excellent diagnositician and can be helped to get on the right regimen of medication, she may improve dramatically.

 

So, in closing, you can dedicate yourself to this lady and find you will face a life of complete hell...hell she may be trying to save you from. Or you may live with her in a bland style once all the passion wears off. Or it might be the happiest thing you ever encountered. It's really hard to say.

 

You also need to know there are few people with panic disorder who do not have a great deal of repressed anger from the past. If you can find out what in her childhood or adolescense caused her to repress a lot of anger and help her express it (which really should be done by a highly competent psychotherapist) you will find that her condition could improve or even disappear.

 

This lady needs a LOT of professional care. If you're up to being her partner, then just tip toe around her for a while...ultimately showing her you can persevere. There would be few men who would be able to...or ultimately find it worth the pain and chaos. But you may be the exception. Good luck.

 

(Hint: I'd be willing to bet you big bucks her repressed anger is against one or both of her parents) Just my guess. Let me know if I'm right)

[Dave7777]

Devinmusicman,

Thank you for your reply. It really helps to know that other people are going through the same thing. I wish you the best of luck on 7/7.

 

Tony,

I’m not sure what your professional background is, but many of your points were extremely accurate. First of all, yes she has been masking some of her problems for fear that I would think she’s too much to handle and want to leave her (which she has told me). She began telling me of her problems in piecemeal, perhaps to gauge my reaction. After sharing a problem with me, I’ve always been extremely supportive. I remind her that I’m glad she was able to share herself with me and that I love her and will continue to do anything I can to help her work through her difficult times. Usually, I also follow the conversation up the next day with flowers and/or a card to remind her that this is how I feel.

 

She recently told me that the reason she left a very prestigious college (after only 2 weeks) to go to a local school and live at home was due to her disorder… she even mentioned a dr. that diagnosed her with mild agoraphobia, just as you speculated.

 

I think the medication she takes is zoloft. In my first post I mentioned that she doesn’t like taking it, what I meant to say is she’s conscious that taking it too much can be bad so she only takes it when it is really needed. She’s not scared to take it, in fact, I think she’s thankful that she has it as a last resort.

 

You mentioned that the cause of her disorders is an important thing to learn, she has told me that it all started when a very close and dear relative of hers passed away years ago. Her relationship with her parents and brother is nothing short of incredible. In fact, I’ve often wished that my future family would share the same dynamics that their happy family shares. They truly do enjoy each others company and love each other very much, she’s very fortunate to have that.

 

I’ve read your webpage on BPD and she exibits some (albeit only a few) symptoms:

 

* Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone. – Her parents are often concerned if she’s going to be alone in the house overnight. They usually encourage her to invite me to sleep over. Something neither of us mind!

 

* Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours – But who doesn’t get that every once in a while!

 

* Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in self-image, career choice or other long-term goals.

 

* Sensitivity to criticism or rejection. – A couple of weeks ago I commented that a new eyeshadow color she bought didn’t look quite right on her. She got very upset/depressed for about 20 minutes. When I sat down to talk with her, she said that was the wrong thing to say after she already bought the color. I calmed her by saying that maybe the girl that put it on for here just put it on too thick. We eventually hugged and made up. Yes, girls are sometimes sensitive, but in this example she seemed unusually super-sensitive.

 

* Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy. – She’s thought of among her friends/family as the “go-to” person for their problems, as she always strives to helped others around her. She’s told me that sometimes this puts a big burden on her shoulders, and only adds to her anxiety.

 

* Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms (i.e., out-of-it) – Occasionally she’ll zone out for a couple of seconds, she’s told me that this can happen during periods of high anxiety. Also, sometimes while telling a story, she’ll strangely leave out important details that are critical to the story making sense. When I question her, she apologizes and says she didn’t realize she left that out. Understanding that this may embarrass her, I ignore it and act like it’s not a big deal. Again, this mostly happens when she’s anxious.

 

If you’re correct, it seems that I really need to let her know that I AM in it for the long-haul and will not leave her over a few problems that she may have. At this time, I do not think I could (or should) make any more additional effort to let her know that I am willing to work hard with her on her problems. My plan at this time is just to grant her wish for a break and let her sort out her feelings on her own. Now that you know all the above, do you think I should be doing anything different? I really want her back.

 

Thank you so much for your time and effort in helping me. These are only words on a screen, but you truly are helping someone out that is hurting an awful lot. Thanks again. -Dave

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: " Now that you know all the above, do you think I should be doing anything different?"

 

No, I think you're doing all you can. Now that we know she's got serious abandonment issues, those are things she'll have to work out once she's aware of them. The death of the relative which you mentioned surely set off a chain of deep seated emotional scars and reactions that have remained with her for many years. She will first have to realize her problem and then get help if she's ever going to be able to establish long term relationships that are healthy. Her pattern of leaving relationships first as a pre-emptive tactic could continue for a long time.

 

You have your work cut out for you with this gal. If you can get to the point where she will seek counselling, you can go with her and work on the relationhship together. I really don't know if your efforts to show her you will remain in her life will be sufficient to difuse the fear she has. As a young person, when this close relative passed away her inner child took the stance that anytime she got very close to somebody they would abandon her.

 

Also, I don't want to spoil your illusion of the relationship she has with her parents. All you know is what you see and the show they put on. They may be a wonderful family....or it could be dysfunctional as hell in ways you have not yet been able to detect. There's probably some stuff with her parents that contribute to her problem that you don't yet know about. Stay tuned.

 

Good luck to you!

[Dave7777]

Originally posted by Tony

She will first have to realize her problem and then get help if she's ever going to be able to establish long term relationships that are healthy.

 

She's been seeing a therapist weekly for years.

 

If you can get to the point where she will seek counselling, you can go with her and work on the relationhship together.

 

I asked her last night if it would help if I came to a session or two with her, she said no. I even offered to find a separate relationship counselor.

 

Also, I don't want to spoil your illusion of the relationship she has with her parents. All you know is what you see and the show they put on...

 

True, and one would normally be skeptical. Except I've been very close with her family for 9 months. I've talked with them as a family to help them get through the shock of her brother coming out. I've been through numerous family activities and parties. I've even seen how close they are very late at night when they all just gather in their pajamas in someones bedroom just to have quality time together and talk. If it's all an act, or they're hiding something, they all deserve oscars!

 

This is my first day without her, and it's already killing me. I wish I knew how she was doing. I miss her and just want to hold her. Every time the phone rings a piece of me is certain that it's going to be her calling. I'm just waiting for this empty feeling inside to go away.

[Tony T]

I know what you're going through. I'm sort of wondering if you may not be better off just moving on. You don't need to put up with this kind of jerking around and BS for a very long time.

 

As far as her therapist is concerned, I don't think he/she is very good. If she's been going to a counsellor for years, it would seem like she would have resolved some of these issues by now...or at least be able to cope with a simple relationship a lot better.

 

Conduct yourself as if she has no mental health challenges. If somebody treats you as she is, I think you would have good grounds for moving on. Yeah, I know she has these issues...but if you get sucked into them you create a codependent situation and just compound the problems. YUK!

[Dave7777]

There's no way I'm willing to throw in the towel at this time! I don't care how much pain I go through "waiting" until 7/15, the chance that I may get her back is worth it.

 

As for the therapist, aparantly things are improving. She's told me that she has made very good progress and things that she used to have problems with in the past don't bother her anymore. Also, the symptoms that she has now are of lower intensity then they used to be.

 

If somebody treats you as she is, I think you would have good grounds for moving on.

 

She doesn't treat me bad at all! In fact, outside of this past week she's been the most incredible girlfriend and friend a guy could ask for.

 

It's been a little over 24 hours since I saw her walk into her car and drive away. I've been reading many of the other threads on this board, and I feel that the best thing I can do for her now is give her the space she asked for ...and hope for the best.

 

Thanks again for all your help Tony!

[yagottahelp]

You have to go by your gut. I know how you feel about not throwing in the towel. Is it good to grovel over some girl for 2 years, no, but if you have no interest on moving on, and you can go day to day with it, then by all means stick with it. You have to make yourself happy-you can't just forget it and then a year from now say i wish i would have just stuck it out a few months, at least this way you'll satisfy yourself one way or the other.

[Dave7777]

Here's the update on how everything worked out. On 7/8 she called me in my office and said she wanted to "go someplace to talk". I immediately realized from that statement that everything was over with us. Otherwise, she would have wanted to meet at my place or hers. Well, I hung up and met her at a quiet diner.

 

I was must have been giving off body language that I was angry, which I was, because she said I looked angry and had a right to be angry. She said during the break she was a mess, always wanting to call me, drank too much on 7/4 and threw up. The next day she had to hide the telephone from herself.

 

She said she's always been in love with me, she couldn't ask for a better relationship, she has a great time with me, no complaints ...BUT she said little feeling she's been having inside is anxiety that her first serious relationship actually has her picturing her life in the distant future with me - and she'll only be 21 years old in 2 weeks.

 

She said the last conversation of "lifestyle" differences was all BS, and that never bothered her. It was just an excuse for this anxiety that she had trouble identifying.

 

I asked if there was anything else bothering her, that she might not feel comfortable telling me for fear that she might hurt me or be embarrased. She said absolutely not, and that I'm one of the very few people in her life that she can trust with anything.

 

I asked if she has an urge to see other people due to her inexperience. She said "not for a long time". Her main goal now is just to do things on her own and "find herself". She couldn't even define what that meant. She said that if she went away for college and dormed things might be different, and that next year she'd like to move out and live on her own.

 

I asked if she ever felt this anxiety with her past boyfriend, she said "no, I was never in love with him... he was never my romantic type and that's why I'm still able to be friends with him"

 

There was nothing much I could say. I told her that it's not a matter of you being right or wrong. I couldn't argue with anything she said. All I could do is ask her questions and critique what was on her mind. I also kept repeating that this is a true shame, and it's really sad that she feels this strongly about something she's unsure about to the extent that she's willing to throw away what we have.

 

After that, I left a $5 tip on the table for the 2 glasses of water we had, and left. She grabbed me and gave me a really big hug that I thought would never end. Then I turned around, walked away from her, walked to my car, and drove away. All I kept thinking is how lucky I am not to have to WAIT until the 15th anymore! I will never call her again. Friends have asked me what would I do if she calls in a day or so. I've told them that she really did a 180 on me, and it would take a LOT for her to rebuild my trust. All in all, I don't expect her to ever call again, so I probably won't have to deal with this.

 

Surprisingly, I wasn't upset at all that night. My appetite was still a little small, but I was able to emotionally write it off as her decision that I can't do anything about - so why dwell. That evening, I resubscribed to the same online dating service I met her on, tweaked my essays and uploaded a new picture. This was the first time a girl has ever broken up with me, so guess this is how I handle it. Greve for a bit, then MOVE ON. I saw the tragety, recognized the loss, now I have an urge to date and find the new Ms. Right.

 

There is already a really nice girl I've seen twice (Friday & Saturday night), but I still want to play the field some more. I guess this is what life & love is all about.

 

-Dave

[Cpunch75]

rock on brother now you got the cojones!

 

 

punch

[needsadvice]

I'm very happy for you. As you may remember, I am in a similar situation. Your attitude and approach to your situation is an inspiration.

 

Good luck.

[michiganmale27]

All I can say is I wish I had your attitude. My ex hasn't been diagnosed with anything, but she did tell me she was L.D. as a kid. She has exhibited SOME of the traits that you described about your ex.

 

I guess the problem lies with them and not us. I bent over backwards trying to appease this person, but now after reading your posts as well as others I realize that the problem lies with them and not us. You, or me, did nothing wrong to ruin the relationship.

 

All you have to do is keep telling yourself the same thing I tell myself, it will get better. The next girl you find is going to be VERY LUCKY to have someone understanding like yourself.