In a small town, there is no escape from your ex.

[Queequeg]

I made it through the weekend without talking to him. 4 days NC.

 

Today I finally went out on my own to run some errands. Of course my emotional side was thinking "maybe I'll see him downtown." Well, I did see him!

 

As I was driving his work van passed by, I did a double take. I didn't see his face or anything but I knew it was him. That was horrible enough. I tried to remain calm and carried on to my next destination.

 

Then, when I got there I saw him getting into his van across the parking lot! Why is the universe doing this to me? I don't want to see him! Well. I do, but I don't, y'know? I started to drive where he was driving but I did myself a favour and turned around. I'm NOT going to start that kind of behaviour up. It's creepy and unhealthy.

 

Afterwards, when I got home I signed onto MSN, where I haven't blocked him yet. He starts talking to me! Asks me how I'm doing, etc. I gave short replies. Then he tells me that he still cares. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to stay in contact right now. He said he just wanted to know that everything was reasonably okay. I replied "trust me I'll be fine", and that if I keep talking to him I won't heal properly. I asked him if he understood that.

 

So, he didn't argue about it, and said well we'll just figure out this cell phone situation then. (We have a share plan) I mentioned that he also has my house key, he didn't seem fazed by that and told me he's not going to use it. He said "Other than that, I'm always around, I'm not going to block you or anything." Ugh.

 

Did I handle that okay? I think I should block him on MSN now, but he said he was going to get back to me on the cellphone thing. I guess he'll just email me, of course my emotional side is hoping he calls. But that's just stupid.

 

This sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if I saw him all the time now! That is going to SUCK. Stupid small hick town. I hate it here, everyone knows everyone and there's no escape from that.

[kittensmittens]

Queequeg,

 

Are you my neighbor? I know exactly what you mean, I went through the same thing, living in a very small (hick) town myself. In an effort to not run into him and have a melt down b/c of it, I would actually drive 30 mins to the next town to go grocery shopping or run other errands. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it kept me functioning until one day I needed to go to the store and said "who the hell CARES if I run into him??" That's the exact moment I realized I was moving on. I realized it might make my day a little crappier if I see him and my "replacement" together somewhere, but that it wouldn't send me into a deep dark depression or anything like that.

 

So...this may seem like an absurd suggestion, but if you have the gas money, maybe you can run as many errands as possible in the nearest town...? It gets a little trickier when you go out to bars, parties, etc. Fortunately, mine didn't do much of that since he had his new gf to keep him occupied, but it may be different in your case. I'm not suggesting you hide out and avoid living your life....just work around the heartache for a little while until it's gone.....if at all possible.

 

If it's not possible, I really do feel for you....it's rough living in a small town w/ them. I also know how hard it is to bring yourself to block him and take other necessary actions to move on. Good luck!

[s_n_d]

I feel for you, hun.

Itll get better. Just hang in there.

I cant even imagine what you must be going through.

I dunno what Id do if i had to see my ex numerous times a day. Luckily, he lives about an hour away from my house and only a few minutes away from my university. I dont have to worry too much about seeing him.

 

Stay strong and continue with NC. It does help. The initial 10 days are hardest but it gets better as more time flies by.

[Queequeg]

Thanks ladies. I don't think I'll be making the distance to the next town over...maybe someday I'll just move away for good? We'll see.

 

To put a spin on this story, yes I did see his van again today while I was out, but that isn't the problem anymore.

 

I got a call for a job interview! I've been unemployed for a while so I was super stoked. The job sounds awesome: full time, benefits, and it would be a great experience. Sounds like they're looking for someone just like me too!

 

Hooray! ...Right? Nah.

 

Then I remember....hmm, isn't that the place the ex would go to for his work? Uh-huh. I briefly talked to him online this afternoon about the cellphone thing, and in my excitement I told him about it. Apparently he goes there all the time for work! Oh, wouldn't that be lovely...

 

Would it be a mistake to take this job? I don't see how it's fair that I give up a great opportunity for myself just because I might see him every few weeks. I'll definitely take it if it's offered to me, I'm just concerned about any emotions I might have when he walks in the door. I want to be a good employee, you see.

[Kamille]

Thanks ladies. I don't think I'll be making the distance to the next town over...maybe someday I'll just move away for good? We'll see.

 

To put a spin on this story, yes I did see his van again today while I was out, but that isn't the problem anymore.

 

I got a call for a job interview! I've been unemployed for a while so I was super stoked. The job sounds awesome: full time, benefits, and it would be a great experience. Sounds like they're looking for someone just like me too!

 

Hooray! ...Right? Nah.

 

Then I remember....hmm, isn't that the place the ex would go to for his work? Uh-huh. I briefly talked to him online this afternoon about the cellphone thing, and in my excitement I told him about it. Apparently he goes there all the time for work! Oh, wouldn't that be lovely...

 

Would it be a mistake to take this job? I don't see how it's fair that I give up a great opportunity for myself just because I might see him every few weeks. I'll definitely take it if it's offered to me, I'm just concerned about any emotions I might have when he walks in the door. I want to be a good employee, you see.

 

wow this is my second small town post in so many posts. Viva small towns!

 

I live in a no-escape from the ex small town too (we might all be neighbours) and I say go to the interview. Whether or not you get the job, the last few days have shown that you will need to get over him knowing that you will be running into him.

 

Besides, a job offers many great benefits that will help you move on from your ex. Not only that, a job would most likely last longer then your heartbreak will.

 

You can get over him even if you see him every once in awhile. I have done it. Tons of times. Ok, twice. But the point is, you will get used to seeing him around town and then you will be happy you didn't pass up an opportunity just because of him.

[kittensmittens]

Well, Queequeg, it sounds like you're handling your breaking a lot better than I handled mine! I think you should take the job. You seem pretty strong so I'll think you'll be just fine. It sounds like it's inevitable that you're going to run into him somewhere anyway, so I say go for it. In the long run, you'll be doing something good for yourself.

 

I almost dropped out of school twice last semester b/c I was living in the same little town as my ex and just couldn't deal with it. I thought it would never get better and the only solution was to just run away. Well, guess what? His new gf broke up w/ him and HE ran away from this town! He's not even here anymore. How stupid would I have felt for screwing up everything w/ shcool for NOTHING? And before he moved away, I reached a point where I knew I would be ok if I ran into him. What a waste that would have been if I had dropped...

 

So, like I said, if taking the job seems to be the LOGICAL choice here....do it.

[e.clipse]

Would it be a mistake to take this job? I don't see how it's fair that I give up a great opportunity for myself just because I might see him every few weeks. I'll definitely take it if it's offered to me, I'm just concerned about any emotions I might have when he walks in the door. I want to be a good employee, you see.

 

firstly, let me say that i am glad that you are handling things this well. good for you, Q.

 

as for the job situation, i'm going to give you my honest opinion:

 

about two weeks ago or so, there was this band i really wanted to see play. i had known about it since early January and since they are a tribute band to one of my all time favorite bands, i was really stoked about going.

 

until i found out the exbf would be there, too. after i found out, i figured that it was probably not a good idea. but then, like you, i started telling myself that it wasn't "fair" to me that i pass up this opportunity just because he was going to be there, too.

 

and so, i talked myself into going, with the help of some LS members. before i left, i kept telling myself that if i did see him, i'd just look away and pretend to ignore him; that i would carry on like i normally would. blah blah blah.

 

bad idea, my friend. what i had told myself i would do and what i actually ended up doing were the complete opposite. seeing him that night ended up in me going over to his place later on. for what, you ask? for nothing good.

 

now, i'm not saying that this is the same thing or what you are as weak-willed as i, but the idea is similar. i think you understand.

 

that said, i'd advise for you to look into other jobs. you guys just broke up, and, as i said before, the dynamics of an on-off relationship are way different than a "normal" relationship. in a normal one, the end may really signify the end, so going to that job may not be such a problem. but in a relationship where breaking up and getting back together is the norm, it is not a little problem in the slightest.

 

think of it this way: how many times has it happened before? can you say for sure, 100 percent, that you will never, ever get back together again? really? additionally, you are broken up right now, so if you consciously put yourself in a position where you can have visual contact with him on a semi-often note, doesn't that give you two even more leeway to go back to the same old?

 

i think it does. and actually, i think the biggest trap we fall into is keeping any sort of contact. if we didn't, then maybe it'd be easier to break the on-off cycle. but if it is a history, and the contact is there, especially the kind where you actually see each other, then don't you think it'd be a lot easier to get back on again?

 

if i were you, i'd look into another job.

[Queequeg]

e.clipse, I totally respect your opinion, you seem like a pretty rad girl. I actually did read your thread on what happened, and yeah I can see what you mean. But now that he has this new 'grass is greener' girl, I'm not sure if he will want to come back.

 

From what he told me when we were still together, she does seem pretty messed up. So I'd never say never. However she has slept with over 20 guys and she's only 19, so I'm not going to risk getting any STIs. He can enjoy his sloppy twenty-seconds and DIAF.

 

I'm still going to go for the job interview, who knows if I actually get the position. If I do I'll just have to DEAL.

 

I can't allow myself to let this piece of crap back into my life. I realized he was physically and mentally abusing me months ago, and I just laid down and took it. I saw my counselor yesterday, and if he ever does try to get me back she told me to call her ASAP. I know I haven't mentioned the abuse here before, I've been in denial about it.

 

Anyway right now I am SO over it. I'll relapse again, but I've been feeling 75% FIERCE this week. Seriously, the only time I felt bad today was when I was at a clothing store and they were playing some sappy pop song. I'm avoiding my usual "(temporary) break up soundtrack", in exchange for "**** you" music.

 

Is it normal to feel this good?

[emotionally_barren]

In a small town, there is no escape from your ex

OMG this is so true. I've got that to deal with eventually and I just know I'm going to see the OM eventually and have to resist the urge to break his nose! I will resist, of course, because it wouldn't solve anything. Just cause more trouble than the gratification I would get for acting like a caveman. Edited March 7, 2008 by emotionally_barren
grammar

[Kamille]

Anyway right now I am SO over it. I'll relapse again, but I've been feeling 75% FIERCE this week. Seriously, the only time I felt bad today was when I was at a clothing store and they were playing some sappy pop song. I'm avoiding my usual "(temporary) break up soundtrack", in exchange for "**** you" music.

 

Is it normal to feel this good?

 

Ooh I love the "**** you" music part.

 

My faves:

"I will survive" I like the Gloria Gaynor version but Cake's works for me too

"Respect" Aretha Franklin.

[Queequeg]

I don't really feel like creating a new thread.....my brain hurts.

 

He changed his screen name on instant messenger to "I've just got that old fashioned feeling where I'd do anything to bone her...that's a special feeling"

 

I don't know if I'm looking too far into this, but he KNOWS I would see that. It's obviously some sort of pop culture reference, but I have a feeling he put it up there to piss me off, as well as 'romance' his new female orifice.

 

It kind of got to me last night, and I didn't sleep very well. Then I think "Well not everything is about you Queequeg!" But this is what he does. He always got a kick out of making me mad, so that he could get attention.

 

I sent him an email on the cellphone thing, to get it sorted out and email me the details. That was all it said.

 

Then he replies: "Why email? You still have MSN don't you? What've you been doing? When is the job interview stuff? I thought we both agreed AGAINST the whole no contact thing...?"

 

Yeah, I had previously told him that I needed him to leave me alone so I could heal. I don't know how to reply to this! I don't know if I could ever be friends with him, because of all the crap we went through. Especially when he has stupid IM names like that. Ack.

[e.clipse]

i think you need to stick to the route that will lead to your healing. only you know which one that is, but in my opinion, it is not the one that has the "friend" stops all over the place. they will just slow you down.

 

i'm not saying that you should cut off all contact with him, if you don't want to, but i am saying that you should keep it as minimal as possible, so as to possibly minimize your hurt.

 

if things like that IM message make you feel bad--and it would me feel bad, too--then that just goes to show that you aren't yet ready to be his friend, and friend only. perhaps you will someday, but considering how you felt after seeing that and the dynamics of the type of relationship that you had, i'd say that that time is not now.

 

the truth is that you no longer have to answer any of his quandaries anymore, and that includes him asking you why you chose email over IM. you can very well ignore that question and simply respond by addressing the other matters pertaining to your phone; that should send a message.

 

that or you could sidestep the issue by saying something like, "Oh, email was just easier for me at the time, but about the..."

 

i know you said you were feeling better this week, and that is good progress. the thing here is that your progress will reach these kinds of slumps where you won't be able to sleep at night, even moreso if you keep the friend thing up.

 

right now, it doesn't matter what he wants, really. he has himself a new womanpiece to play with, so it's pretty safe to say he isn't mourning the loss as much as you, i think.

 

the bottom line is that if you don't feel you can be his friend ever, then that speaks volumes of whether you can be friends with him now.