Recently engaged... now fighting a lot

[Alex42]

OK quick recap. Been together with my fiancee for a little over a year now. Been engaged for about a month. Before we got engaged we'd have some fights here and there, some serious, some not so serious but whatever we got through them and all was well.

 

However, things seem like they're taking a turn for the worse. Lately it seems like we're at each other's throats all the time. There is a constant pattern also, she gets mad at me because she says I'm being selfish, I get upset because I don't see how I'm being selfish, fight gets out of hand, we cool off and then some days later it happens again.

 

The root of the problem is this whole selfish thing. She swears up and down that I can be the most selfish human being in the world. However, I honestly believe that although we all have our flaws, we are after all just human beings, sometimes I can be a little selfish. But I really believe that I am a wonderful fiancee and these problems shouldn't be taking a toll on the relationship like they are. I cook for her, I pamper her, I am for the most part very attentive and affectionate.

 

A few examples of my "selfish" behavior:

1. We just got a puppy and we alternate nights for taking care of her. One of the nights that I was supposed to take care of her I asked my fiancee if she wanted to split a sleeping pill because we hadn't been getting much sleep lately. She got very angry because I was thinking about taking a sleeping pill the night that I was supposed to take care of the dog and would therefore make me rely on her to wake up to take the dog out -- I am a deeper sleeper than her.

 

2. After an argument the other night about whose turn it was to take care of the dog (yeah the dog definitely adds some fuel to the fire), I thought it was her night and she thougt it was my night. She said lets just stop talking about it so we don't get in a fight again. We did, and all was well, until I remembered something that would prove that she was wrong and it indeed was her turn. I didn't think it was fair for me to take care of the puppy again, because it can be quite exhausting, when it was actually her turn. So, I brought it up again and she got angry at me for bringing it up after she told me not to.

 

3. We shared a pizza some random night and there were 2 slices left the next day. She's eating well and working out because she is trying to lose a little weight, so it was the first time we had eaten pizza in a while and she LOVES pizza. The next day she heated up the two slices and I asked her to give me one, she did and got angry because she said I was being inconsiderate. She was like, you know how much I've been craving pizza lately and I never eat it anymore you should've let me eat both I would've done the same for you. However, I wanted a slice too and I didn't think she was entitled to having both slices just because shes been craving it. I thought the fair thing was having one each. If there was only one left I would've gladly given it to her.

 

Whatever, these fights probably seem stupid and not important but the problem is that they keep occurring and she's getting really angry because I am not changing my "selfish" behavior. However, I don't see how I am being that selfish.

 

Am I really being that selfish?

 

Thanks for your input.

[carhill]

Can I suggest finding something more substantive to argue about?

 

Trust me, if you're dwelling on these things as fiance's, you'll kill each other as husband and wife. My wife and I don't get along too good these days but we'd just laugh at this stuff.

 

I don't think you're being selfish, but it doesn't really matter what I think

[whichwayisup]

I agree with carhill...Pick your battles, that's all I can say. If you two are going to nit pick over every little thing, you won't make it to the wedding because the resentment and irritation will make you both RUN from eachother.

 

You both are acting selfish and need to compromise. Everyone is selfish at some point in a relationship. Give and take, sometimes one gives more at times, and the other takes more at times..Eventually it all balances out.

 

Communicate and really listen to eachother.

[Alex42]

That's exactly my point. I admit that I may be selfish occasionally but it's always in stupid things like this. It boggles my mind that it angers me so much and I'll say something like, how can we get into such a ridiculous fight over a sleeping pill or a piece of pizza?

 

Her response is always, it's the underlying concept behind your behaviors and it's the fact that it happens so often.

 

I am rarely rarely rarely ever the one to bring up things as to which bring about arguments or fights. It's always something I'm doing wrong, whether it's she doesnt like the way I clean, or I'm not sharing my food. Or another one:

 

I had a hellacious week in grad school last week because of finals and projects and I couldn't spend any time w/ my fiancee. When I was finally over I wanted to spend some time with her, and I also needed to clean my house because of the neglect it had been facing from my hell week. She had some errands to run and I told her that I'd run them w/ her so I could spend some time w/her and then I'll clean up when we get back.

 

She, on the other hand, for some reason hates watching me clean because I'm inefficient and it annoys her. So she said she'd rather run the errands on her own so I can clean up while she runs the errands and we'll hang out afterwards. I insisted because we hadn't hung out in a while that we just hang out now. So we ended up hanging out and she was complaining that I "always get what I want", which is the recurring theme. And then she complained that she had to sit around and watch me clean for an hour even though I coulda done it while she ran her errands.

 

These fights and arguments in my mind are so stupid but she feels like they are serious and says that the thoughts and motives behind them are selfish which is why she gets so upset.

[whichwayisup]

You two should go to pre-marriage counselling. Mention this to her because all this WILL get worse if you two get married...Imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life and having afew kids along the way.

[vander]

... She was complaining that I "always get what I want", which is the recurring theme ... These fights and arguments in my mind are so stupid but she feels like they are serious and says that the thoughts and motives behind them are selfish which is why she gets so upset.

 

If the fights are really so stupid and unimportant, stop arguing. It takes two to argue. Apparently the fights must mean something important to you otherwise you wouldn't argue and "insist" on getting your way.

 

It seems that she sees something disturbing in your relationship that you don't want to acknowledge. This sends up major red flags in a woman's mind. It tells her that her feelings aren't important to you. That IS a serious problem.

 

The fight about cleaning? It wasn't about cleaning -- it was about you ignoring her needs and concerns AGAIN. Apparently you do it quite often since you're calling it a "recurring theme".

 

Premarital counseling is probably a good idea.

[carhill]

Our psychologist covered this today. An analogy was being on the same "team". Not my team and not her team, but "our" team. As mentioned by posters here, each persons needs and feelings are important. As I am the more emotional of the two (in contrast to most couples) of us, mine are the ones which tend not to get understood and/or met. Good session

 

+1 on the PMC. You'll get a lot out of it.

[SoHotZanzibar]

A year is NOT a long time. You really want to share everything you own, everything you will make in the future, and risk your happiness with one person you just met for a year?

 

I would think twice and slow things down. People are living a lot longer these days, and divorce rates are almost over 50%, if not already.

[reservoirdog1]

No man has ever "won" an argument with his wife/girlfriend.

 

You can have the most logical, sensible position on the face of the planet. You can have evidence to back up every facet of your position. Her position can be completely and utterly wrong in every logical or rational sense. And it won't make a damned bit of difference. Because even if all of that is true, as soon as it becomes an emotional matter to her -- which it will, given enough time -- you've lost the argument, because by continuing it after that point, in her eyes you're selfish, or an ********* who doesn't care about her feelings, or whatever. And she will tell you so, in no uncertain terms. You can't respond on that level because then you're attacking her and being even more insensitive. And before you know it, you're apologizing for whatever it was you were arguing about, just to bring an end to it.

 

And this coming from a guy who actually has been in relationships, and likes being in relationships.

[carhill]

No man has ever "won" an argument with his wife/girlfriend.

 

Divorce is an alternative, if one finds themselves in that unenviable position often.

 

IMO, this (men "losing" every argument) is the balance of power the feminists have yet to budge on; that men's feelings and emotions have equal weight in a relationship. Women need to evolve too

 

BTW, I never fight logically with my wife. I ain't that stupid