can i get an opinion here, please???

[zingy]

well yesterday my bf yelled and screamed and cussed at my daughter who was suppose to bring some files down from her house on monday but had not yet done so.

 

so when she called him, he totally went off on her, yelling at to get them fxcking files down here right now!

 

he did not just tell her, but literally was yelling and swearing at her over this...yes i understand his point but i don't think he needed to act so stupid as to yell like he did.

 

well her birthday is today, july 4th, and we were going to have a barbeque with her, the baby, her boyfriend, b'f's gramma and us, today at 1:00.

 

well after he went off on her, he calls me and goes off on me, telling me that WE ARE HAVING AN FXCKING BQ, IT IS GOING TO BE TOO HOT, AND BESIDES THAT I DO NOT WANT TO SEE SARAH"!!!

 

i told him that that was NOT fair to us, because he is mad at her, then he kept using the excuse that it was going to be too hot.

 

yet all he did today was work out in the yard..he went to get some plants, and replanted them, and did some painted crap too, yet it was "too hot" to bq??

 

anyway i took my daughter out alone for lunch for her birthday...afterwards i got in the car and cried all the way home...this was NOT the way it was suppose to be!!!

 

i am so hurt from this guy to the point that i have looked up some info on ANGER, and printed it out, and i added a letter at the bottom telling him it was not going to do "us" much good if i go to counseling for my issues when he does nothing for his anger.

 

that his anger is driving me away, and that it is what he says when he is mad, not that he is mad but the harsh language, hurtful things he says ect..

 

so, i am basically giving him an ultimatum NOW! to get some anger control management or i am out of here, cause i am so tired of hurting and hurting from this guy and the things that he says..

 

so maybe i have this borderline personality disorder, i don't really know, but even if i did/do, does that mean it is controling me to the point that i keep trying and trying so hard to please him, yet never succeeding..

 

i can never make him happy unless i am willing to do every little thing he wants me to do.

 

so does this sound like a good idea or not? i really need some opinions on this idea, before i give it to him.

 

i see the counselor again tomorrow, saturday, and i either want to give this to him then before i leave, or on monday but monday is stressful for him as it is, so maybe not a good idea..

 

i have told him too, that as much as he has tried on his own to control his temper that it lasting only a week at the longest should be a good indication that he is not capable of doing this alone, nor am i with my set of problems..

 

i will see the counselor, but if he is not willing to do anything for his anger/temper crap then i am not going to be a victim of it anymore..

[clia]

I think it's a great idea, but I really don't see you following through with it. You've been talking about leaving this guy for years...you are all talk and no action when it comes to doing something about the relationship.

[patti]

from someone named just a girl, i ithink, but i was wondering how she saw this post from above from as her bing a victime? in her post she claims that he boyfriend had yelled and swore at her daughter and it was his temper that prompted a lack of a barburque because of that.

 

i dont see how that percipitate her being a victim if so then that means i am also a victime since my husband refused to drive me to a doctours appointment today saying that if he did i would not learn to do it my self.

 

in anger he finally agree to take me but by then i do not want to even be in car with him so i go a lone and i do not give him any creidt for it at all.

 

i dont git it how she is victime here but post is gone now or i am wrong on post here

[Nazima]

This guy has some definite anger issues and it also sounds like he's very controlling. If he had wanted the files bad enough he could have gone to pick them up himself instead of blowing up and becoming verbally abusive to both you and your daughter. If you have to do everything he says just to keep the peace it sounds like you're walking on very thin ice, and its only a matter of time before it breaks and you find yourself in an even worse situation. If he does nothing to get help for his problems I would run, not walk, away from this relationship as fast as possible! You need to have more respect for yourself and stand up and say you will not tolerate this kind of abuse. No one deserves to be treated with that kind of disrespect.

[longlegzs80]

If I was in your situation, I would not let anyone talk to my daughter like your boyfriend talks and yells at her. It is a good thing I don't know your boyfriend personally but if I did I would beat his ass. What gives your boyfriend the right to speak to your daughter like that?

 

I guess if I ever was in your situation, I would not put up with it. It seems like your the kind of women who can't be alone, but your first focus should be on your daughter. With what you mentioned in the thread, it seems like your boyfriend can be a very violent violent man, and if he doesn't take it out on your daughter, he might start taking it out on you. It sounds like he is a nut case and don't know how to control his anger. Your best bet is to leave him before he gets worse. Now, I know I can't tell you what to do, but this sounds like it was a very ugly situation. GEt out while you can. But if you stay with him, things need to be settled. No man, person whoever should talk to another human being like that, especially a little girl. Good luck to you and I hope I helped. Please keep intouch with the forum to let us know what happens.

[zingy]

can you please give me your opinion on these messages back and fourth today from my boyfriend: am i being unreasonable, victimized, or uncorporative? i need any honest opinion please!

 

from me to my boyfriend:

 

remeber when i challenged you to quit drinking for two weeks and the pressure of it alone drove you to drink?

well that is how i feel about not only cali, but also vegas..

i do not want to even go to vegas either, but i reluctantly agreed for you not me..

yes i would love to see my sisters but no i don't want to go anywhere unless it is somewhere nice and cooooool!

vegas is 110 degrees today, and that is why the rates are cheaper in the summer, cause no one wants to go cept my sisters cause they don't care...and you, the heat don't bother you guys like it does me..

 

is there somewhere we can go where it will be cool? we can both enjoy something cool, don't you think?

reasons i don't want to go:

1, too hot, 2, travel time, 3, home sickness, 4, did i mention the heat? 5, anxiety crap i have to always worry about, 6, heat again...

anyway there are several reasons why i don't want to go, i really just don't want to go!

well can we find somewhere closer that you could enjoy????

is that a possibility? please think about it before you bite my head off....

i want to come to an agreement or a resolution for this, not fight about it.

lets meet in the middle somewhere???

pleeeeese!!!

 

FROM HIM:

no, i don't remember your challenge and no it did not drive me to drink. i know i don't have a problem and you harping on me is really driving me away from you, among other things. your accusations and constant haranguing me about alcohol are a joke. kathy bauer and i talked and she agrees with me.

 

if i want to have a cold beer after work, like 80% of other men, then who cares. i'm not hurting anybody, including myself, period. why do i have to walk on egg shells and put up with your persecution? i feel like a little ****ing kid asking mommy if i can have an occassional beer on a certain day. then you throw, "i guess if you need it, " in my face.

 

how nice and what a lovely way to build a relationship. i don't have to have it, but it is enjoyable at times, like your sweets. how would you like me putting up such a stink every time you wanted something sweet that you simply give up just in order to avoid a confrontation?????? well, if that is the way you want it, then be ready to receive what you dish out.

 

your flip-flopping on vacation is indicative of everything else that goes on in our relationship and your life. do you really think it FAIR to me to be trapped in colo. or mini-vacations for the rest of my life, just to appease your damn insecurity? are you asking me to never visit my brother in california anymore, just so you won't be afraid?

 

your case is just like grandma's, except you already have the "wheelchair."

in the time we have been together i've seen you paint yourself into a smaller and smaller box (nursing home).

 

we sat there and booked "O" together and now you tell me you never wanted to go.

thanks alot, now that i've dumped nearly $400 on it. (fully refundable).

 

people (especially those in stressful sales) need real vacations jamie, not 3-day junkets. hell, it takes me that long just to unwind. i work hard and deserve a long vacation. and that doesn't mean a week camping in golden just so we can be close to home. or the clinic. or the internet, or whatever.

 

i know, i know. i don't understand your condition. no i don't. there is no logic to it at all.

 

here is my "compromise." i'll give you spending money for the trip, since i'm sure this is part of this. say $500? for your gambling, gifts, meals, shopping, etc. i'll take care of lodging, some meals, entertainment, hair styles, tanning spray booths, vegas hotel massages, etc. we will agree on a time period of 10-12 days, which includes driving days. this is LESS than we were gone last year to Minn.

 

you will bring plenty of endiral, thyroid, hot flash, zoloft or whatever that you need. i will agree to pull over and stop any time you feel scared or "strobe lighted." and i am NOT allowed to complain about it. (by the way, there are not too many trees i the desert to get strobed).

 

we will limit our time in calif. to about 3-4 days and will stay in our own hotel room so you don't have to stay with relatives. we will keep our "0" reservations and stay in vegas 3-4 days as planned. i will bring the "lap" along if you want so you don't have to miss the message boards or jane or dr. bonk, or whatever.

 

that is my idea of a compromise. feel free to add anything else.

 

FROM ME AGAIN:

THIS IS NO COMPROMISE, THIS IS THE WAY IT IS ALREADY SET UP ANYWAY,.

 

FROM HIM AGAIN:

it most certainly is NOT.

here is your idea of a compromise:

a) go to vegas for 3 days and run back home.

b) tour the eastern colo. farm land for 5 days.

c) go to colo. spgs for the weekend.

d) go to minn. for 3 weeks.

e) go to mason city, Ioway for 2 months.

 

why is it you have time and are not bothered by going to some strange courthouse, but you have to give me all sorts of static on going to unfamiliar surroundings? i do a lot for you and ask for little in return. why can't you do this for me? why is it i can go to Minn. with you for 2 weeks, but you can't go to calif, for me for 10 days? why is it your way or no way? why do you always come up with this kind of stuff on my busiest day, monday? why is it you went to calif. twice before and it didn't bother you?

 

i think you just come up with this stuff just to be confrontational, just like my "drinking." in order to challenge me and show me that you are someone to be reckoned with. to show me who still holds some power and sense of being in this relationship

 

FROM ME:

OH MY GAWD! WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU COME UP WITH SUCH A ridiculous STATEMENT??THAT IS FUNNY EVEN!

"I think you just come up with this stuff just to be confrontational, just like my "drinking." in order to challenge me and show me that you are someone to be reckoned with. to show me who still holds some power and sense of being in this relationship."

 

I HAVE NOT HEARD BACK FROM HIM YET..

[cindy0039]

Zingy, I think your boyfriend is being reasonable. You should try it his way this time.

 

And try to enjoy yourself.

[zingy]

thanks for you input and i appreciate it too....

[zingy]

do you think asking him if we could do one or the other, either vegas or california is asking too much?

 

he has not answered me on this yet, but i told him that doing both are just too overwhelming for me, but one of the other would be reasonalbe and we could both get something we want..is that unreasonable?

[HokeyReligions]

Do you have to vacation together? Maybe it would be better for both of you if he goes himself. The time apart might help you both.

 

His posts sound reasonable, but then you say he yells and is verbally abusive to you & your daughter. It doesn't sound like you two should even be together - neither of you sound happy in the relationship, so why continue it?