bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 If its meant to be....Its meant to be. You cant stop it. You cant run from it. Enjoy. GEL....... XOXO Depends how fast you run. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 OW what is that animal in your avatar ? Kinda looks like maybe a tree kangaroo? wallaby ? it's a pademelon - a little furry wallaby Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I also think that if those of you who defend OWs and act like they're doing the right thing ever get cheated on by the love of your life, with whom you're in a committed monogamous relationship -- or so you thought-- your perspective might change dramatically. I'm sure this does sometimes happen. As it can with anyone in any R. But people don't typically go around warning anyone getting involved in any kind of R about the heartache and suffering that awaits them - well, some embittered Miss Haversham types might, but they'd be regarded as cynics - as they do to OWs. Most OWs, because of the nature of the R, have their eyes wide open and are far more attuned to the possibilities of things going askew than wide-eyed innocents in Rs of different kinds, who could probably more profitably use the "advice". Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Well he picked her and he married her, it's not like she put a gun to his head. I never get why you blame everything on his wife, you sound like his parrot. Come on, no one is totally blameless, it always takes two to tango. My point - which should have been obvious from the context of the post it was responding to - was that the "lying and cheating" foundation of a M is not always laid by the CS. Sometimes the BS laid that foundation at the outset and the other MP merely fell into the behaviour norm later. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I think they say they don't believe in monogamy until it suits them Agreed for the most part (there are people out there who truly don't believe in it but they are polys generally and not people in regular affair situations). If you throw an OOW or OOM in the picture, and you tend to see a change there. I've seen many lively a discussion about that on another board I go to. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Agreed for the most part (there are people out there who truly don't believe in it but they are polys generally and not people in regular affair situations). If you throw an OOW or OOM in the picture, and you tend to see a change there. I've seen many lively a discussion about that on another board I go to. My sister told me once of some OW that she knew that had been involved with this one MM for 10 years. I think it had even been established that he was never going to leave his family. At some point an OOW entered the picture, and the OW went nuts harassing her, telling her the MM was a liar and that he would do the same with her. I don't know if that happened just once or repeatedly, nor how it ended, other than the OW intended to stay put and try to chase away any OOW that made an appearance. What a sick situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 My point - which should have been obvious from the context of the post it was responding to - was that the "lying and cheating" foundation of a M is not always laid by the CS. Sometimes the BS laid that foundation at the outset and the other MP merely fell into the behaviour norm later. OW, you are SO right. Things are not always as black and white as they may seem to an outsider. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 OW, you are SO right. Things are not always as black and white as they may seem to an outsider. Yeah... good luck in trying to get that point across to some people Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 it's a pademelon - a little furry wallaby Ahhh - are you an Aussie, OW ? That would explain some things - there's a cultural difference there. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Yeah... good luck in trying to get that point across to some people Yes, it gets a little more complicated when the MW/MM they are condemning for an affair etc was actually the BS in the first place, doesn't it ? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Yes, it gets a little more complicated when the MW/MM they are condemning for an affair etc was actually the BS in the first place, doesn't it ? Yup but then again, they'll condemn anyone that is having an A regardless who they were in the first place.... Link to post Share on other sites
SunLover62 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 This is not to give anyone false hope. This is to say that it does happen. It's happened for me. Don't ever settle for less, no matter what. Love always finds a way. GEL I just wanted to say thanks for this. I found this forum while looking for encouragement today. I am in the OW but I am also married. However, I had already planned to leave my husband before I met my lover. We met on the internet, both desperately lonely in our marriages, and found out we actually went to the same small college at the same time. Our relationship is still very new, but some nights I find myself in tears wishing he could be lying in bed next to me instead of my husband. Again, Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I just wanted to say thanks for this. I found this forum while looking for encouragement today. I am in the OW but I am also married. However, I had already planned to leave my husband before I met my lover. We met on the internet, both desperately lonely in our marriages, and found out we actually went to the same small college at the same time. Our relationship is still very new, but some nights I find myself in tears wishing he could be lying in bed next to me instead of my husband. Again, Thanks. Hi SL62... are you still planning to leave your H? Is MM also leaving? Oh and welcome to LS. In advance... good luck... being around LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Was that the situation with your A? Your MM's W was cheating on him PRIOR to him cheating on her? I don't think that's how it usually goes down. same, mine wasn't an "affair". MM had already separated and was in the process of leaving the marital home (literally, that same week) when we met and there was nothing secret about it. He has gone back to try to work on his marriage, and even though I feel myself the situation is futile, that's his decision and I have to honour and respect it. That doesn't mean I agree with it or find it easy to maintain NC. Her betrayal was still hurting him a few years down the line, and I don't think she is willing to do the work necessary to repair their relationship. She is only addressing my appearance in their lives, not the prior problems between them. I am still swinging back and forth between being angry with him and accepting what I know he had to do for the sake of his kids and his sanity. If there is to ever BE a future for us he has to be absolutely positive he did all HE could. Meanwhile I have lost a friend who I care for deeply as well as a man I grew to cherish, but I can't just sit and wait for maybes, I have to move on and rebuild my life without him. Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherK08 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 same, mine wasn't an "affair". MM had already separated and was in the process of leaving the marital home (literally, that same week) when we met and there was nothing secret about it. He has gone back to try to work on his marriage, and even though I feel myself the situation is futile, that's his decision and I have to honour and respect it. That doesn't mean I agree with it or find it easy to maintain NC. Her betrayal was still hurting him a few years down the line, and I don't think she is willing to do the work necessary to repair their relationship. She is only addressing my appearance in their lives, not the prior problems between them. I am still swinging back and forth between being angry with him and accepting what I know he had to do for the sake of his kids and his sanity. If there is to ever BE a future for us he has to be absolutely positive he did all HE could. Meanwhile I have lost a friend who I care for deeply as well as a man I grew to cherish, but I can't just sit and wait for maybes, I have to move on and rebuild my life without him. Wow, our circumstances seem similar. I also feel as he feels, that he has to do all he can be sure and have as little regrets as possible. The waiting is painful, but I did the same in my marriage, even though I resented and hated every bit of it (marriage counseling, homework, excercises). I needed to know that I did everything I could, so that when my children were grown, I could look them in the eyes and say "I did everything I could to save our marriage". Ironically, it is usually the other person who isn't willing to change but just wants to keep 'possession' of their spouse to maintain their comfortability and identification. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Meanwhile I have lost a friend who I care for deeply as well as a man I grew to cherish, but I can't just sit and wait for maybes, I have to move on and rebuild my life without him. If there isn't any signs of him moving on - with you then yes, you did the right thing. It's his loss, no? You will rebuild your life without him - even better life, perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 OW, you are SO right. Things are not always as black and white as they may seem to an outsider. Bravo! Which is why it isn't the place for an interloper to conclude that it's proper to become involved in an affair based on their "outsider" beliefs about what is going on in the relationship. I'm so excited that you understand! As Lenny Kravitz sings, it ain't over til it's over... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Sometimes I get so sad to think of the man I love back in a situation that made him so miserable, but hey for all I know she has "seen the light" and all is going swimmingly. Their kids are teens and it won't be that long before it will be just the MM and W left to face each other. There are so many ways this could go. They "repair" their relationship and all is well. Nothing changes, but he stays anyway, not living a real life, but just existing as he has already done for so long. Nothing changes and he decides to leave for good which may or may NOT involve me. Damn, it HURTS Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Bravo! Which is why it isn't the place for an interloper to conclude that it's proper to become involved in an affair based on their "outsider" beliefs about what is going on in the relationship. I'm so excited that you understand! As Lenny Kravitz sings, it ain't over til it's over... I don't consider myself an OW OR an "interloper" He didn't return to his M and ask me to be an OW, he knows better He has to do this on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Was that the situation with your A? Your MM's W was cheating on him PRIOR to him cheating on her? I don't think that's how it usually goes down. That was somewhat how my situation went. My bf was my OM, is suppose you could say I cheated on him with my bf at the time. That was two years, seven months ago. His AP was seven months ago. Did our relatinship circumstances nullify that the affair was wrong? Hell no! Our relationship problems are ours, and ours alone. They're not for a third party to examine, analyze, make judgments upon, or anything else, and then use their version of the story to justify injecting themselves into the equation. No matter how screwed our relationship was, we had love for each other in our hearts, maybe not the ideal kind, maybe it was buried under issues and pain, but it was there nonetheless; and that's how we found our way to the loving relationship we have now. Until it's over, an invader has no right, title or interest to either of us. What the damn is so hard to understand about that? :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 snip>Until it's over, an invader has no right, title or interest to either of us.> WOW, there goes that ownership and entitlement thing again Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I don't consider myself an OW OR an "interloper" Do you suppose his wife buys that? He didn't return to his M and ask me to be an OW, he knows better That's good. Really though Looking, have you ever been betrayed? If you were having problems in your marriage and your H moved out to think about stuff, would you really feel that it's OK for him to dabble with some other woman while he's at it? Or would you feel that until you have decided to call it quits, the marriage is still in full force and effect? Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 WOW, there goes that ownership and entitlement thing again Oh shoot, I'm sorry... let me just share my mate with whoever would find that convenient :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
nellstar Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Oh shoot, I'm sorry... let me just share my mate with whoever would find that convenient :lmao: Maybe you should!!!! :lmao::rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Agreed for the most part (there are people out there who truly don't believe in it but they are polys generally and not people in regular affair situations). If you throw an OOW or OOM in the picture, and you tend to see a change there. I've seen many lively a discussion about that on another board I go to. Typically I've been the one with multiple simultaneous partners, while the MM's I've been involved with have been sexually exclusive with me - and before everyone shreiks "how do you know? you weren't with him and his wife to see. They all claim their marriages are sexless..." etc etc etc you're right, I don't know, but they'd have gained nothing from lying since they knew I had other lovers and thought sexual exclusivity was ridiculous, since they knew I EXPECTED them to be sexually involved with their Ws, and since I terminated them when their lack of sexual engagement with their Ws resulted in them wanting more from the R than I was prepared to invest. It would have been in their interests to continue sexual relations with their Ws, and to be honest about that with me. Their loss, I guess. I can't say that an OOW would have made the slightest difference to me, so long as the ground rules for our engagement didn't change. Not every OW is like me, but not every OW is like many people here would like to portray, either. Link to post Share on other sites
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