yagottahelp Posted July 4, 2003 Share Posted July 4, 2003 Girls, this is a question basically for you. If were having a tough time in life with multiple things, including a move, a family member being very sick, having to work to pay off school bills.......would you appreciate it if someone was there by your side to help you through it the best they could??????? I'm in a situation where my best friend, and gf.......who for whatever reason is now kind of my ex- we act like we're together other than the intimate side of it, but anyway, has a ton on her plate. I love her, and when i said that to her during our relationship, i didn't mean i loved her while we were having sex or kissing, but i love her ALWAYS. So i've stood by her side, sure i'm not her official boyfriend, but she needs someone-and turning your back on her is not what love is to me. Let me just clarify she didn't dump me and now is using me for support, it's not like that at all-she just feels that right now she has a ton on her plate, and although she hasn't come out and said it-i was the one expendable thing there was-she couldn't get rid of her family, or relatives, or job, but when looking to cut stress out, off i went. Link to post Share on other sites
gooner Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 hey i'm not a girl but here goes... all you can do is be a friend... you can't ask anything more or anything less... at the moment it seems that she has a lot on her plate and she is probably quite muddled at the moment.... The worse thing you could do would be to push for you two to get back together right now... she would resent you for putting extra pressure on her when things were going against her... Why not just offer the hand of friendship... say something like, you understand that she is going through a rough time at the moment, and that you considered your friendship as one that she can count on whenever, whatever? and then ask her that if there is anything you can do to help you wouldn't mind doing it? However large or small.... Just make sure that she knows that you are around for her and if she needs a shoulder to cry on be there for her, afterall your relationship is one that dates back as best friends.... Perhaps later she will come to her senses and want to get back with you, perhaps not.. But do remember that you want to keep that best friendship relationship you guys have... so don't throw it away... goodluck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yagottahelp Posted July 5, 2003 Author Share Posted July 5, 2003 thanks, and i totally agree-i made the mistake of pushing to get back together for maybe the first week, and haven't brought it up since so far, it seems that it's working, we have been getting closer and closer, 3000% better than when we broke up, the next step is to just make it official-i'm hoping that end just happens, cuz i'm so afraid to ever bring it up again! it's gonna be a sink or swim situation that's for sure....... the good part for me at least is i'm ok that she's not my gf, we both haven't seen anyone else, if this lessens the pressure, lets her get her bearings, i think it's well worth the price. Link to post Share on other sites
gooner Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 hey it's very easy to make the mistake of pushing it because you care so much... but by standing by her you are doing the right thing, it's the least you would owe any friend..... stay close to her and give the help she requires.. This allows you to be near her and read how she is feeling and how best your going to pursue her when her mind is less muddled... Because ultimately your goal is to help her get through these bad times and then perhaps pick up where you left off, right? i'm not sure whether you should bring it up again... i'm still undecided about this maybe we need other opinions too... think of these options... Once she is more settled, you could suggest seeing each other again officially. she could take this well if the signals are there. She could take it badly and think that your helping her had alteriour motives. know what i mean... Or you could just leave it, try and get closer and closer, and just 'Let it happen'. It totally depends how you read the situation because not i or anybody else on this forum knows EXACTLY what your going through... Try and read the signals she is giving but remember we men are terrible at doing these things, so tread carefully Remember love is blind aswell so be cautious with your feelings, you may think she is giving off signals when infact she is giving off the total opposite.. I have done this myself it's very easy to make these mistakes when your in love.. You know sometimes love is great, but sometimes it's tough too. Unfortunately your going through one of those periods where it's tough love.. but you will get through it.. make sure that before you even consider a relationship that she if fine and everything in her mind is settled, with bills, family troubles and jobs etc etc... The last thing you wanna do is push her, she is probably very vunerable at the moment. Goodluck mate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yagottahelp Posted July 5, 2003 Author Share Posted July 5, 2003 You're right, now is definatelty not the time to bring anything up. At least when we get back to college might be a little bit better, she won't work, will have moved (she just did).......as far as signals, she calls to say goodnight every once in a while, im's me to say hi and she misses me and will put a and be like this is what you make me- we'll talk every night she's been gone for about an hour, she has kept stuff from me in her wallet still, sleeps with stuffed animals i gave her, she is basically still very close- i have been looking and saying i can't read too much into it, time will tell when we get back to school- it's like we're at a wall, just about ready to be back together, but haven't gotten past it- although where we at, is a huge improvement over where we were, that's for sure, so progress is positive in my eyes, this stuff takes time. i know i have the oppurtunity to say screw it if i wanted, but i'm not about to do that, and i take every piece of heartache that might come with it, at least i feel like i'm doing the right thing by still being with her-thanks for the responses Link to post Share on other sites
gooner Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 Yeah your doing the right thing by being a friend and being near her... However you might have to deal with the situation that she does not want to get back together... so prepare yourself it could happen... At the moment it seems as if the balls in her court.. know what i mean... If she turned round to you tomorrow and said "Let's get back together" you'd say yeah cool.... Perhaps when you go back to college it is an opportunity for you to test the waters out... If you really want to know how she feels about you and if there is a future.. Why don't you make sure that she sees you with other girls.. I'm not saying sleeping with other girls, but even just talking in a corridoor with a new girl.. saying hello being polite... Be subtle, i would think that you would be able to tell what she really feels about you by the look on her face... If she is not bothered then it's time to move on.. but if she shows a bit of nervousness and upset, perhaps there is still a good chance of getting back with her... However if you are seen talking to these other girls, make sure that you don't ingnore her.. go speak to her too so you can see hows she's feeling, etc, you know, read her signals... i would take the above advice as a sort of last resort.. Because you do not want to upset her but you want to know if interest from other women annoyes her... think about it carefully hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
anonymous Posted July 8, 2003 Share Posted July 8, 2003 I agree with most of the previous posts. The only thing that I would not necessarily agree with is trying to "wave" other girls in front of her nose as a sort of "testing ground". I, personally, feel that that is just playing mind games with her. Not something to do with the woman that you obviously love very much. Even if she doesn't decide to bring you back into her life, using the "dangling the carrot" idea may not be the best idea - you're a better person than that. After about a couple weeks or so of school (maybe even a month?) you will know, one way or the other. Keep us all updated. Anyone else have some sum up ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yagottahelp Posted July 9, 2003 Author Share Posted July 9, 2003 Thanx everyone, yah, I've talked to her once or twice-haha, anytime i ever brought it up it was world war III since i was an idiot for a week in the beginning and tried to get back together all babyish. The signals are there definately, we're still best friends, we both act like it, I wouldn't still be around if there wasn't a chance, although I know this isn't a guarantee. I mean how can she know, I know talk is cheap, but occasionally in our conversation we talk about marriage, or she'll say don't you know it will all be ok with us? she has moved, she'll call to say good morning, or goodnight occasionally, little stuff that i don't care how close you are, it's not just friends- we're at like a wall, she's right there, we're right there, it's just like the finals step hasn't happened....... I believe it isn't that she doesn't love me, or isn't attracted, or that it is even anyone else.......We smothered ech other, she feels she missed out on some stuff, and she's right, we both did. I know the most important thing for me to do in college is to show her she won't be smoethered if we're back together, I think she's afraid that if she gets back into something now, and we are smoethering, we'll be right bck at breaking up again. So thanks for all the advice, Link to post Share on other sites
Author yagottahelp Posted July 9, 2003 Author Share Posted July 9, 2003 I was thinking, I know hindsight is 20/20, but a lot of the trouble happened just the last semester of school. I ended up getting almost no schedule, sounds really cool, but you get lazy, and broed, and i got depressed. I never really realized it until i look back. I'm normally the first one to do something, always wanting to be there doing stuff, but i stayed in my dorm, did nothing-i really probably wasn't fun to be around. I know this is a complaint of hers, i really wasn't that outgoing at all. But at least i realize what i'ved one wrong, and the things that are wrong, aren't me at all-so I know that if i get involved next semester and show her i'm back to being me, she'll hopefully be attracted, and if not, i'm still happy with being me. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts