Why is it so hard to be lonely...

[KittenMoon]

...and to lack an intimate emotional connection with someone else?

 

Are some people just more programmed to need this? Is it an inherent weakness, or a strength, or somewhere in between that?

 

I have a really good life, tons of great friends, hobbies, etc, yet the ache of loneliness is a constant. It seems like a lot of people on LS deal with the same thing as well. Like no matter what you fill your life up with, there can still be something fundamental missing- a connection or something with another human being on a truly deep, emotional level. A person there for YOU, and you for THEM, as it were.

 

I wonder why some of us are like this, and others not. Nature, nurture, something else? What are your thoughts?

[hotgurl]

I think it is just in somebodies nature. Some people need more personel connections than others.

 

Although I have to say I have been lonlier in relationship than I ever was when I was alone.

[carhill]

Although I have to say I have been lonlier in relationship than I ever was when I was alone.

Yep, a function of giving but getting little in return. The emotion bank goes into the red.

 

OP, what that means IMO is that you have the capacity for love and that you are being sought out. Be watchful. Take heart

[KittenMoon]

Although I have to say I have been lonlier in relationship than I ever was when I was alone.

 

This is very true- I remember this feeling, unfortunately.

[latefragment]

Kitten moon i have been following your posts and story for a while. yes, I have filled my life with a lot of hobbies, tons of friends, achievement of personal and work/career goals, and I couldn't be luckier I suppose. but it has been a long long time that I have been single and I agree with you, the ache of loneliness for a partner is the constant thing that devastates me inside, though I keep up a cheery face to all. like you I am in therapy, etc.

 

Currently I'm going through a period of complete lack of motivation. I have never felt this way in my life. ( even in my darkest, saddest periods, I have always had a thirst for life and a desire to go after my goals ). Normally I get excited about events or projects that I have planned for myself. These last few weeks I have hit rock bottom and don't feel excited about even things like a fun ski trip or some other projects I am working on coming up in the next few weeks.

 

It's just business as usual for me - work, gym, play or activity/friends... but I'm going through like a robot. I hope this period goes away for me because it's looking very very bleak.

 

I have wondered if some people are wired differently, to "need" some close emotional bond with a significant other. I mean, humans are animals after all, elephants die of loneliness when they are abandoned by their herd. Then again, I know people who don't get too lonely. It has been an extraordinarily long time for me, and I think there are certain things in my background and childhood that predispose me to wanting a close emotional bond.

 

So, am I "abnormal" a "nutjob" or a "crazy"? I don't think so. I'm just different, I guess. The thing is I have these close emotional relationships with my friends, some of whom I see every week, and some of whom I talk to almost every day, but I wouldn't consider any one of them to be functioning as a "partner" or a "companion" to me.

[xpaperxcutx]

I've read somewhere our souls are halves of a whole, and that out there somewhere, there's another half that completes it. Not that you should accept this, because it's all New Age beliefs.

 

The need for companionship in this world is stronger than it was decades ago, because we have been enveloped in an age of materialism and technology. As our interaction with others lessen, we come to rely on these artificial materials to replace any sort of physical and emotional attachment. It's no wonder we all feel lonely and empty inside at times.

[Angels&Airwaves]

Try this site for size:http://www.webofloneliness.com/understanding_loneliness.htm

[KittenMoon]

Try this site for size:http://www.webofloneliness.com/understanding_loneliness.htm

 

I find it interesting that one can find infinite discussions on loneliness on the web, but no cures.

 

I thought that web site did have some good points though- distinguishing between types of loneliness that may or may not be "fixable".

[Angels&Airwaves]

I find it interesting that one can find infinite discussions on loneliness on the web, but no cures.

 

I thought that web site did have some good points though- distinguishing between types of loneliness that may or may not be "fixable".

 

Maybe you need to discover your own cure for loneliness. I've always felt quite alone and lonely, but I live with hope in my heart and the view that someone day I will find someone who will love me and I them and we will live together for a period of time and I will discover the true meaning of living and life and from that day one I will feel alive. Hope is my cure, hope is what I cling, to in times of need and times of triumph.

 

If this fails, there's always Morrissey and The Smiths.

[sandflea]

 

If this fails, there's always Morrissey and The Smiths.

 

"Stretch out and wait".

 

I've found that there have been times I'm feeling really lonely, and all of a sudden I realize that I'm just bored. Happens all the time. I think some of the cure to lonliness is simply taking responsibility for your own happiness, activities, hobbies and - your life - and getting out there!

 

We all feel lonely at times. It's a part of the human condition. It's also OK to get depressed on rainy sunday afternoons, etc. Feeling that way is one thing, what you do about it is another.

 

But, to echo what several have said before - the lonliest times are when you're IN a relationship (or what looks like one) - but you still don't have anyone to talk to. Lonely? Try getting in about 400 arguments about everything from beer to tea leaves. Lonliness becomes solitude and serenity very quickly at those times.

 

Relationships are work. Never forget that. Don't get into one because you are lonely. The only reason for shacking up with someone else is passion and fun. If a partnership blooms - FANTASTIC. If not - I'm off to my own thing.

 

2 cents.

 

SF

[witabix]

This is very true- I remember this feeling, unfortunately.

 

Echo, echo echo.....

[CaliGuy]

I'm just as happy alone as I am with someone.

 

"Tis better to be single and lonely than married and miserable."

 

AMEN!

[e.clipse]

Although I have to say I have been lonlier in relationship than I ever was when I was alone.

 

this is so true. unfortunately, like others in this thread, i remember this very well, too.

 

anyway--

 

kitten, this thread pulled on my heart strings. the comment one poster made about going through things in a robotic motion made me remember some past discussions, and it made me sad to know that it is still true for me.

 

there was a moment, about two years ago, where i fell into a huge depression. i literally did not want to do anything, but sulk in my bed. it was awful, and over the same reason i am still "not happy" today, unfortunately.

 

today, though, the depressive bouts are not as palpable. nowadays i try to fill my week with various people and things.

 

i'm not able to say that i have a handful of good friends i can call and hang out with whenever the need strikes. most weekends and even some weeknights are spent with them, just talking, laughing, and passing time. it is good, especially since i try to limit my chats about the exbf to zero.

 

on my own, i am usually either reading, drawing, or doing some kind of "craft," like putting my old t-shirts through intensive surgery. these are my favorite hobbies/passtimes because they require attention to detail, which means i can take a break from ruminating about better times past.

 

then there are always other little things to fill the gaps, like movies, games, and LS.

 

so, i am pretty "busy" in the sense that i always have something to do, albeit i kind of often don't because i am lazy. and well, it's not so hard to pretend to be alright, now is it?

 

but the loneliness is still there and sometimes i fear it will always be there. i just can't shake it. even if i am having the best time of my life with my friends at some party, there is that second where my mind strays and reminds me that there is nothing waiting for me back home; that there is nothing waiting for me anywhere, really. and it is sad.

 

in a way, sometimes i think that it is that special connection that makes us feel more human, and not so robotic to the point of doing things for the sake of killing time instead of living it.

 

it's hard, but sometimes i do wonder why. i know that, personally, my family was never really "warm" or affectionate or anything like that. so i grew up kind of alone, which leads me to mistakenly think that, because of that, i should be better equipped to deal with the loneliness. but i am not. far from it, actually. maybe it is innate.

 

maybe it is something we can find in someone else. maybe it is something we have to find in ourselves. or maybe it is something that for some, will never be there.

[KittenMoon]

I'm just as happy alone as I am with someone.

quote]

 

but the loneliness is still there and sometimes i fear it will always be there. i just can't shake it. even if i am having the best time of my life with my friends at some party, there is that second where my mind strays and reminds me that there is nothing waiting for me back home; that there is nothing waiting for me anywhere, really. and it is sad.

 

This is my point- how some folks can be fine and not feel lonely, while others can feel persistently lonely even when surrounded by friends, or hobbies, etc.

 

Sometimes I feel so alone, when I know I'm technically not in the slightest- I couldn't ask for better friends and family in my life. I think there is some sort of missing connection some of us need, and others don't. I couldn't even define exactly what it is, which is truly frustrating.

 

You folks on the other side of the fence- feel lucky if loneliness doesn't haunt you!

 

 

it's hard, but sometimes i do wonder why. i know that, personally, my family was never really "warm" or affectionate or anything like that. so i grew up kind of alone, which leads me to mistakenly think that, because of that, i should be better equipped to deal with the loneliness. but i am not. far from it, actually. maybe it is innate.

 

Could be- but know I come from an almost atypically stable family, and I still feel that loneliness. So maybe it is just something within some of us, some sort of pre-wired nature. Like how some people are natural nurturers, or leaders, or even loners. For what reason, I have no idea!

[Lovelybird]

I don't think loneliness is born of nature, it can be changed. everybody's heart has a empty place needs to be filled.

 

Loneliness could be a sign that we didn't find right place in the universe, didn't connect with the positive source of the universe, haven't enough love in our tank

 

Find a person who can connect with us in a deep level is really wonderful. But listen to those couples who stay with each other for a long time, they become bored, become stranger to each other, resentment, manipulation....

 

some couples who succeed in marriage and have sweet loving relationships are folks generally content and happy and motived and have enough love in their tank before they find their SO. Their skills to deal with other people and their perspectives for life help them to build up a rewarding relationship, not that they find a right person, and then everything is going to be fine

 

and to put too much expection on a man or woman in a loving relationship is such a burden to the parner, this is the very force drive them away, not draw them near

[pajamaman]

the reason why people are still lonely, even though they have 'good things' in their lives or currently in a good situation, is they are dwelling on the things that they do not have. they are craving for the things that they do not have and ignore or take for granted the things they have.

 

loneliness, like all feelings, is a state of mind. hence, change your state of mind from lonely to happy, you will be happy. appreciate more what you have and be thankful for them then you will be happy and satisfied.

 

it is easier said than done, you say. it is hard if you have been this way for a long time, if you have formed a habit of feeling lonely. habits can be change with determination and will.

 

you can will yourself to feel or be anything.

[Lovelybird]

There is a book very encouraging, this book tells how God worked in their love life, the author had many bad dating experiences, but through God they finally find their true love.

 

When God Writes Your Love Story, by Eric & Leslie Ludy

 

If we are single, then see this period as a good time to prepare ourselves and to learn how to be a better partner. get busy and use every circumstance to grow ourselves and sure we will build up a bright future with God's guidance

 

A pastor ever said that 'God may call you to experience an extended time without any romantic relationships. This is especially likely if you have been excessively dependent on romance for the bulk of your love feelings, or if you have other problems that might inhibit a mature dating relationship....If, on the other hand, we learn during such trials what God is trying to teach us about ourselves and what it means to depend on him, his discipline will have the desired effect. we can then approach serious dating and marriage with a tested dependence on Christ"

[surfcitysiren]

Hello KittenMoon,

 

I think it's partly just a person's personality make up....some people just feel the need for more closeness than others. There are many degrees of normal.

 

I had an idea and I could be all wet, but see what think. What if you sat down and made a list of all the good things/feelings you feel are derived from being in a relationship with someone. Look at each thing you come up with and ask youself the following:

 

a) How often/realistic do you think it is/would be to expect another person to contribute this to your life most of the time?

 

b) Is it possible that some of these things are things that you can give to yourself somehow? I realize giving yourself hugs is beyond cheesy and that's not really what I'm driving at. I'm more talking about the non-physical benefits of someone in your life who loves you. Can you be that person to yourself for a while? You may be surprised if you honestly assess this possibility. I know I was when I did it.

 

Truth is, being human, no matter how wonderful another person is, sooner or later, they can and will let you down. I know you know this without me saying it....just that sometimes, just speaking for myself....if I am honest with myself I can see how I regularly let MYSELF down and am not there for myself when I need to be. I think if I was more committed to my meeting my own needs it's possible the dissappointment that occasionally come my way from others would have much less impact.

 

Just a thought....what do I know? ; ) You seem like a very warm, intelligent woman....I'm just thinking you'd make great company and a wonderful friend to someone...how 'bout....you? You know what I mean.

 

And yes, loneliness can be a very powerful thing. We've all been there. I think the worst kind of loneliness is being married and sitting right next to the person who promised to love and be there for you...and feeling utterly alone....it happens. It's happened to me. That's when I need to remember that my happiness is not his job....and then I rescue myself the best I'm able.

 

Keep the faith.....you have a lot to offer some lucky guy.....