Mother emotionally blackmailing me

[Lostguy33]

My situation is very much the same as the "Emotional Blackmail Drama Queen A.K.A my mother" situation. But, I'm 17 and it's pretty much escalated a bit more. She threatens to kill herself if I don't visit her EVERY week and call her like 5 times a day when I'm at college, and be with her EVERY day of EVERY vacation or break. The exact same thing happened to my brother who was my age when it happened as well, and he ended up going to jail for a day because of her(He was trying to leave the house because of her actions, she wouldn't let it happen, and it escalated). She wont let me go on any trips with my father ever, and she threatens to kill herself if I bring anything up relating to me wanting to remotely spend any time with my dad. She also threatens cut off college money when I start going there, even move me away from all of my friends and totally F my life up at high school. I'm also ALWAYS in the wrong, she is always right(in her eyes). Her favorite line when going to bed when this occurs is "I won't able to go to work tomorrow if you don't apologize for everything you've done wrong. And promise that you'll do this, that, this, that, etc". I have no choice in the matter, either I say what she wants or she says she'll say "Do you want me to be dead when you come home from college one day?" Is it allowed to emancipate from one parent only? I need help!!!!!! Please!

Edited March 5, 2008 by Lostguy33

[devil123]

=.= wow sh**! your mum really is abit too overreacting... i bet your mum is just kidding, if you say i dont care to her, i bet she wont die cuz of you going against her...

[quankanne]

frankly put, your mother sucks. Big honkey donkey dx. Because she's totally screwing with your head in order to "secure" your affection, and doesn't realize that it's doing just the opposite.

 

sometimes, the best defense is to be the adult here, and start treating them accordingly for their juvenile behavior. When she asks, "Do you want me to be dead when you come home from college one day?" Calmly respond, "you know, maybe that's not such as bad a thing as you think it is. Just promise to leave the will on the table so I have easy access to it. Also the deed to the (house/car/valuable property in her name) so I can sell it for quick cash, because I'll need it to fund the things I want to do in my life, and because you won't be here to hold me down, I'll enjoy myself. A lot. Oh, by the way, when you DO off yourself? Try to keep the mess to a limit. Blood is so hard to clean completely out of certain surfaces, and I don't want to hurt the resale value of the house. You're such a good, understanding mom for giving me this opportunity." Or better yet, call the national suicide hotline and tell them that you're worried about your mother, who has been continually threatening to kill herself while you're away from hom. Just be sure to do it in her presence so that it'll nip that stupid behavior in the bud.

 

that'll either piss her off to an extent that she'll shut up about it (she won't like the idea that you'll be happily enjoying life without her) or she'll find other things to say in order to get at your conscience.

 

just stay one step ahead of her outrageous talk, but also get yourself to a counselor who can help you get your head straight. She's doing a huge number on you.

[melodicmaybe]

Ok. Couple of questions.

 

First. How's the situation with your dad? Would it be possible to go live with him?

 

Second. Is your mom hitting you? It's been my experience that things like what she's doing either go hand in hand with or escalate to physical abuse eventually. Mine never punched me, but she'd slap and pinch and do other things like that. Is your mom being physically as well as emotionally abusive? You said there was an altercation with your brother.

 

Third. Are you actually depending on your mom for help with college?? If you are, try EVERYTHING in your power to find another way. Apply for scholarships, pell grants, work study, ANYTHING. Any help you accept from her is just going to give her more ammunition for her attacks.

 

At this point, although you haven't realized it yet, there are LIMITS to your mom's power over you. She knows this; this is why she's doing her damnedest to browbeat you into submission. If she can cow your mind, then she can maintain the control for a little longer. But that's no way to live.

 

Next time she starts her bullsh-t, muster all your self control, be completely unemotional, and just tell her, "No. Mom, you're acting like a hysterical child. When you're ready to talk about this like an adult, then I'm here. Until then, I have nothing to say to you." And you have to hold firm. No matter what she says -- and I PROMISE YOU -- she will say the most god awful things she can dredge up to hurt you -- you must remain calm and in control of yourself at all times. Her intention is to hurt you, keep you off balance, and manipulate your emotions. Don't give her the god damned satisfaction of letting her see that.

 

You don't have to be sarcastic with her. In fact, sarcasm is only going to fuel her self-absorbed victim fantasies. But you do need to be matter of fact and very, very firm. It's going to be hard, but you know deep down, that you deserve better than what she's giving you.

[Lostguy33]

Yeah, my relationship with my dad is just fine. He lives in california (me in Washington) but I still talk to him almost daily. And no my mom is only getting financial aid for me for college that's it.

 

And yeah, we had another one of her bs talks last night and I just acted totally unemotional(didn't work btw). She did the same old stuff I mentioned before and took my car keys away(She has the title =/) and grounded me for a long time. So yeah, I'm trying to get a custody change but I don't want to live away from all of my friends. I'm lost.

 

Oh yeah, and she wrote me a note saying that in order to not be grounded and get my car back I have to be respectful, good, and loyal. Which is total bs because I never start any of these "situations" and I don't do sh** that's "bad" and F*** being loyal to her. So yeah, I think I'm screwed.

Edited March 7, 2008 by Lostguy33

[Lostguy33]

And no, she's not hitting me, even if she were to try she'd fail miserably. But, she has thrown some things at me before, but I took it because i knew if I were to retaliate she'd call the cops like the situation between my mom and bro less than 2 years ago.

 

She's my mom and I love her, but I just can't handle this Sh*t at home anymore.

Edited March 8, 2008 by Lostguy33

[melodicmaybe]

Would it be possible for you to finish out the rest of the school year living at a friend's house? Sometimes, that's available and it would get you out of the house. How long will it be until you're 18?

 

Also, if your mom has custody it would be possible for you to be emancipated, but you have to meet certain requirement in order for the judge to grant you that. You can read more about it here: http://www.lawhelp.org/documents/1603914901.pdf?stateabbrev=/WA/ One of the requirements is that you be able to take care of yourself financially. Do you have a job?

 

Family relationships are based on (what should be) mutually beneficial systems of control, sometimes articulated, sometimes unspoken. Right now your mom has all the control in the relationship, because you're still operating from the mindset of a child and operating within that set of rules and boundaries. You're at the age right now where you're about to be an adult, and that creates all new boundaries. Your mom knows this; that's why she's messing with your head so much. She's terrified and expressing this emotion by being a controlling, melodramatic b-tch.

 

So yeah, you're a little screwed right now. But maybe not as much as you might think. Grounding is a punishment that requires the consent of both parties. The parent consents to enforcing it, and the child consents to voluntarily respect those limits the parent has set. But here's the key, where there is consent, there is choice. Possibly not always good choices or the ones you want, but choices nonetheless.

 

You just have to refuse to play by her rules. Leave the house. She can't bodily force you to stay there. Or don't go home. Just tell her, "Mom. I'm going, and there's nothing you can do to stop me." Make her realize that you won't be controlled that way. HOWEVER, you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of this, whatever they may be. You know her; you know what she's likely to do/say.

 

Just know that whatever happens, eventually you'll be 18 and you can get the hell out of there and away from her craziness. And at least you have school where you can escape for a few hours.

Edited March 9, 2008 by melodicmaybe

[Lostguy33]

No, I don't have a job currently, and I'll be 18 in about 5 months. That's why I'm either trying to get a custody change, or something to get me out of this environment. Sure, I've taken this sh*t for about a year and a half maybe more. But I sure as f*** won't anymore.

 

And if I leave the house like you were saying she'll call the cops most likely and say I ran away. Even before I can potentially even try to run away she'd take my keys away because she has the title just because I'm not 18. So yeah...

[Lostguy33]

Oh yeah, here's another one of her favorite lines to me she used today, "My life depends upon your love."

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Wow, seen that movie "Carrie"? She sounds like the mum in that.

 

Just a stab in the dark but it sounds like your mum is seriously depressed. I doubt that SHE likes behaving in such a desperate way and there must be something causing this. Is she lonely? Does she have many friends or other support networks other than family?

 

Would it be possible for her to visit the docs and explain how she is feeling?

 

I feel for you. I went through much the same with my mother until she was diagnosed with clinical depression and schizophrenia that resulted from her depression. But it was way too late to erase my teenage years with what I thought was a "normal" mother.

 

You have to do what you have to do - it's really difficult when you love them. But at the end of the day, your mother should be happy that she has brought you up to be independent, to forge a life for yourself without her help in the big bad world - after all, isn't that what parents do?

[Lostguy33]

Yeah, she's pretty lonely and no she doesn't have any friends anymore. She just grew away from them or something, I don't know. And again she said today "I will kill myself if you end up like your brother". They had a good relationship till his jr/sr yrs at high school. My brother ended going away and barely ever seeing her because he didn't want to be around her anymore. His situation was very much so like mine, except he had a BIT more of a temper. Good thing I'm melow!

 

She's visited doctors about her depression or whatever's going on. Her meds aren't working ever or something. I can't handle her overemotional-suicididal-blackmailing life anymore. Also, she always says I did all of this stuff for you way back when, for example, said she held me all the time when I was a baby and fed me. She's trying to send me on guilt trips(or blackmail if you will) to get me to do sh*t for her.

 

And trust me, she won't be happy if I go away from her and be "independent". Is there any way to get like 24/7 suicide watch on her or something? Or an advanced old person home(even though she's a couple years from 50).

 

But, I still care about her greatly, she's very emotional these days, well every day. And I'm basically the only person she has, but instead of trying to get closer to be she's pushing me away, thus, I want to get out of the place. I fear the outcome if I do actually try to go on vacation with my dad(even though she forbid it. She says she will kill herself if I "betray" her).

 

Oh yeah, and I've recommended Family Counseling EVERY TIME a fight, or whatever it should be called, occurs. She immediately shot it down and refused it. She said we don't need it. Funny, heh.

Edited March 10, 2008 by Lostguy33

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I really think you need a third party to act as a mediator. If she is calling the suicide card it's usually out of a mix of desperation and control. However - the problem with the suicide card is you can never take the chance in case its real.

 

In my situation I called the doc on my mother during her last "suicide" attempt. She was incarcerated in a secure unit for one year. That sounds awful, but it was a nice place and she got the support she needed. I do feel that you're too young to be dealing with this. Is there anyway that your dad or your brother can come and help?

 

I would also ask them to encourage a call to the doctors. If her meds aren't working, they need to be sorted out so that they DO work. Its a really difficult situation for you, and believe me, I'm a calm person but in the end this pressure could have sent me over the edge. You need to keep you well too, you know?

[Lostguy33]

My dad and mom have it out for eachother. My dad would help me, but I don't know what he'd do to her in this situation. And my brother thinks she's crazy and thinks she should be in an institution(he doesn't like her too much ).

 

And she's been trying to get on meds that DO work, but she'd have to go to some rehab place to get off her current meds because her body can't get off of them. And whenever she calls the suicide card she almost instantaneously says, "You can't say anything about this to ANYONE, understand?". She obviously doesn't know the damage she's doing to me.

 

And she has actually tried gassing herself in her car before when I was 15 or so. This was during her problems with my brother. I caught her with her car on and the whole garage sealed shut (I opened the garage immediately). I just remembered about it when you spoke of your mothers attempt. I guess it was a repressed memory or something. =/

 

And by having a third party act as a mediator, what would you suggest? And would you recommend me call a doctor about her claiming she will suicide if I do this or that, and that she has in fact attempted it before. Although her follow through sucked!

[Lostguy33]

When we don't fight things are just fine between us, or at least to me they're fine. But, the other 60-75% of the time when we're fighting, or rather she's yelling at me, blackmailing, and just plain old being overly emotional and wanting a 1 hour talk about what I'll be doing for her to make sure she doesn't kill herself, thus, she makes me promise a billion things. That's a summary of the categories of things that happen usually.

 

I want to get out of the situation, I want to get a custody change(or something like that) and stay in my dads apartment up here(even though he doesn't live there, he's in another state). I fear the outcome though, since she's mentioned NUMEROUS times that she'll kill herself if I ever "betray" her, or don't stick to her DEMANDS when I'm off at college. She causes me both a great deal of happiness and an even greater deal of pain/trauma, halp!

 

If I go away to my own place, to try to stop these emotional attacks, and heal myself from them, she'll be a guaranteed suicide. If I go through with a custody change(or something like it) should I call 911 or someone to put her somewhere to get help immediately? Because she's told me so many times on several occasions that she already knows where and how she's going to do it.

Edited March 10, 2008 by Lostguy33

[melodicmaybe]

Oh, man. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

 

You need to get some help with this -- right away. And more than just talking to us here -- although please don't feel like you need to stop doing that. But you need to tell someone who's gonna be able to actually do something to help you. Tell her doctor; tell your counselor at school; call up the local community mental health clinic. Tell everyone who'll listen.

 

If she's actually made an attempt before, this is a lot more than just mind games. I know you love your mum, and it's natural that you want to take care of her. But caring for her in this way is NOT something you should have to do, especially by yourself.

 

I know you're not sure about your dad and his reaction to this. And I know you don't want him to do something that would hurt your mom. But in this case, him helping YOU is exactly where his focus should be. She's not his child, you are. And you need help with this. Nobody should have to face this sort of thing alone.

 

It's terrible and very very sad that she's put this burden on you. I'm sure she's not thinking straight or she wouldn't have, but that doesn't make it any better.

 

Seriously, man, don't keep this a secret. If you do, and god forbid she follows through, the guilt is going to eat at you for a really long time. At least, if you tell and try to get her help, you'll know that you did all you could.

[Lostguy33]

The only people that I would even virtually want to tell would be my grandparents and my aunt, because those are her closest family(except me and my bro who already know what's going on). Although, my mom had had a pretty crappy childhood from what she's talked about, even though I didn't want to know about any of that crap >.<. But, they'd call her and talk to her about the potential if not certain suicide, and her emotional blackmail then, my mom would escalate to a level I've never seen before, most likely, and sh*t will go down.

 

If I were to tell anyone about this I would want to live somewhere else immediately. Y'know?

[Ronni_W]

But you need to tell someone who's gonna be able to actually do something to help you. Tell her doctor; tell your counselor at school; call up the local community mental health clinic. Tell everyone who'll listen.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Speak with professionals who are trained to deal with these types of situations.

 

You're likely correct that ***** will hit the fan -- if you are ever to liberate yourself from this abusive cycle, that is something that is inevitable.

 

I'd tend to not want to get other adult family members involved (other than your Dad.) They may unbalance your mom even further, even though they will have good intentions.

 

And yes, I would alert authorities prior to actually moving out or taking other steps that your mom may misinterpret as "disloyalty" or something else she accuses you of -- as someone mentioned, you may someday need to have the strength and comfort that comes with knowing without doubt that you did everything you could.

 

Sending Angels to guide and protect you.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

The only people that I would even virtually want to tell would be my grandparents and my aunt, because those are her closest family(except me and my bro who already know what's going on). Although, my mom had had a pretty crappy childhood from what she's talked about, even though I didn't want to know about any of that crap >.<. But, they'd call her and talk to her about the potential if not certain suicide, and her emotional blackmail then, my mom would escalate to a level I've never seen before, most likely, and sh*t will go down.

 

If I were to tell anyone about this I would want to live somewhere else immediately. Y'know?

 

If your mum is threatening suicide she doesn't have the right to tell you what to do, where to go. Threatening suicide is a cry for help, and by helping her you help yourself. There's nothing wrong with this. She needs help and you need help. You need to stop focussing on what she might think, or say, or do if you bring other parties into the situation.

 

Threatening suicide gives you the RIGHT to call in family members for support, regardless of what your mum is telling you. If she really did try to commit suicide, I'm sure you would look back thinking "I wish I told." It's not your fault and if she is clinically depressed it;s not her fault either. But regardless, you and her need support.

 

Whoever is BEST EQUIPPED to give support - call them. Tell them. Get them round to help you sort this out with your mum. And yes, you have the right to move into your dads apartment. Your guilt of worrying what may happen to her is, in my opinion, clouding your judgement. I feel very sorry for you on this because I've walked a mile in your shoes and its not pleasant. But you're too young to be dealing with this.

 

You need to take control of the situation. Your mum is currently controlling your actions with her threats. But using the suicide card gives you top trumps and you can tell anyone, do anything you can to help her - even if she might not agree with it.

[Lostguy33]

Should I wait to call in support from family or a doctor when she uses the suicide card again. Or should I do it immediately?

[Lostguy33]

Because things between her and I have been fine the past couple days. Mostly because I haven't mentioned a word about my father, or anything relating to him. But, the fights are inevitable, because I will be seeing my dad this friday, or at least trying to. Even though things are right now today I know they won't be alright again soon. With that said should I still get her help immediately, or wait until the next fight or whatever it should be called occurs.

[melodicmaybe]

That's such a hard call to make. If you do it now when she's calm, emotions will be less high and it might be easier. At the very least, call your dad and let him know what's going on. Tell him what she's been doing and what you think is going to happen when you try to see him. And it's not a bad idea to call her doctor now while she's calm and just advise him of the situation. That way, if she does escalate, there will be a record that you contacted him BEFORE it happened and aren't just calling in the heat of the moment.

[Mouldylocks]

You are living with a situation NO child (and technically you are!) should live with.

 

Have a look at this link and see if anything hits home with you:

 

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm

 

Whatever your mother's problem, you should not have to deal with it. You are not here to make HER happy - really! She is turning around the situation where you are having to 'parent' her in a way, and it's doing nothing but setting you up for difficulties now and in the future.

 

I've been where you are, and 20 years later, I'm STILL paying the price emotionally. Things would be okay for a while, as long as I stuck by the rules, but the minute I showed any mind of my own.....whammo. If I had had the opportunity to flee, I would have. But I didn't.

 

She's a very disturbed woman. I know she's your mum, but she's not parenting you. She's not nurturing you or supporting you. It's all about her - and it shouldn't be that way.

 

I hope you manage to get help with this. I might have missed it, but have you spoken to your Dad about just how bad it is? Surely he knows what she's like - he was married to her, after all!

Edited March 14, 2008 by Mouldylocks

[Lostguy33]

Well, I've touched a little on the subject with my dad. When we were talking a bit ago he wanted to see if I had time to see him when he comes up. I told him I didn't really want to ask my mom because I didn't want another fight to erupt. And he said something like this, "Oh great she's doing that again? That's what drove me to drink!" He hasn't drank for like 6 years btw, he's a good father now, or at least trying to be!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Well, I've touched a little on the subject with my dad. When we were talking a bit ago he wanted to see if I had time to see him when he comes up. I told him I didn't really want to ask my mom because I didn't want another fight to erupt. And he said something like this, "Oh great she's doing that again? That's what drove me to drink!" He hasn't drank for like 6 years btw, he's a good father now, or at least trying to be!

 

Your mother is exerting too much control over all of you. Perhaps she is placing her sense of abandonment afetr your father left, onto you. She doesn't want to lose you but can't help but push you away. Look up "abandonment" on google.

 

That said, this is not your responsibility. You have to live your life! The more you look like you're living your life, the more she panics and the worse her threats become. This behaviour is NOT stable. Call the doc, warn him/her about the behaviour. Then when it next flares up REMAIN CALM. Calm = Control. Believe me...

 

Phone the doctors in front of her. She will likely panic that you are "telling" on her but her behaviour needs to be assessed by a professional. Anyone, ANYONE who threatens their own life needs a medical assessment, so don't fall for the "But, I dont want to lose you" or "I was only kidding" cries. This way, you're taking control of YOUR life because you are not allowing her to control it anymore through her actions.

 

You should be talking to everyone about this. I think your father should realistically be stepping in. No matter if he left, you are still his responsibility and he should be looking out for you and supporting you more. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

 

I know you will feel guilty. My mum, at her very worst, tried to burn herself on the cooker to try to stop me from ringing the doctor. It was then, that it clicked that thats ALL I could do, I couldnt control her anymore and I was wrong to take responsibility for her mental state. I never realised how bad our situation was until outsiders said "How the hell did you deal with that sitch for such a long time? Why didnt you get help?" I just didnt realise I needed it. Mental health problems cant be seen. But if they could, your mum most likely would look like she had been in a car crash. It was a whole year that she spent in a mental institute. The first months were very tough, begging me to take her home, chastising me for "putting her in there". But her mood lightened with constant care months later and with the right medication. Just on your mothers meds, it took mine 5 changes to get it right. And that means when you change anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, you have a period of "change" when the new tablets kick in. Which means more drama usually!

 

My mother is much much better now. I was the youngest of a large family, my father had died after me and her cared for him after a long illness, the house needed repair, money worries, and finally her youngest leaving and leaving her lonely - it all contributed to her desperation. Getting help, not hiding the situation, not being brave about it and hoping it would go away - it was the only way that I dealt with it.

 

I was about ten years older than you at the time and I found it SO difficult. I cant imagine what you're going through at such a tender age but I can imagine its one of fear, brushing things under the carpet and trying to deal with things in a mature way whilst beginning to resent that your life is not your own. Things CAN get better.

 

Feel free to PM me anytime, and keep posting for support

[Lostguy33]

Well, should I call ANY doctor? Because I don't know who hers is. Also, I was going to see my dad today but my mom said I cant see him at all until my brother starts seeing her once in a while(he's 20). My dad said it was BS and is gonna send her some legal papers.

 

Aside from that, when I call a doctor what should I say? Just tell em of the situation and ask what the best option would be? And my moms done so much for me and still is, dunno what I'd do without her, y'know?

Edited March 16, 2008 by Lostguy33