A Question for the GUYS

[Curmudgeon]

We have 22 years of history. Unhappy or not, it's not something you toss over one shoulder the minute you are not happy.

 

Thanks for your post. It made me laugh! Take care

 

Laughter's good!

 

You're quite right. Twenty-two years is nothing to sneeze at. I was married for 25 to a beach bunny who also grew up on Lido Island like I did, just a couple of blocks away from my home.

 

Like you, it wasn't all peaches-and-cream. In fact, it should have ended at the half-way point but also like you, there were children.

 

By the way, based upon sorry, sad, first-hand experience I'm here to tell ya that children can actually be the worst reason to stay married.

 

Wanna be my friend? Just tonight my wife (#2) told me she's no longer in love with me.

 

Oh, yeah. Don't take me too seriously. She really did say that but I'm not really on a fishing expedition. Just trying to keep things light.

[surfcitysiren]

You're kidding, right? What I mean to say is, you are kidding that she just told you that, right??

 

That's......awful.

 

Sorry to hear it. Well, misery loves company, so they say. By virtue of the fact any of us take time to post anything resembling a sincere response to anyone on here, I'm already sorta kinda your friend. : )

 

Love your name, by the way. Can we call ya 'Mudge? How 'bout Mudgie? LOL!

 

Take care

[Curmudgeon]

You're kidding, right? What I mean to say is, you are kidding that she just told you that, right??

 

That's......awful.

 

Sorry to hear it. Well, misery loves company, so they say. By virtue of the fact any of us take time to post anything resembling a sincere response to anyone on here, I'm already sorta kinda your friend. : )

 

Love your name, by the way. Can we call ya 'Mudge? How 'bout Mudgie? LOL!

 

Take care

 

 

Not kidding at all. Wish I was.

 

Friends are good things to have. You can call me whatever you like. I'll answer to almost anything.

[TMichaels]

You'd just have to experience it first hand to understand all the 'hows' and 'whys' two people can find themselves deeply caring for one another online/by phone, etc, across great distance.

 

LOL...

 

surfcitysiren, if you take the time to read past threads you'll find quite a large number of posters here have been/are in exactly the same situation and know full well the "hows" and "whys." You aren't the first, nor the last.

 

And though you're correct -- you don't have to disclose any details of your personal life if you so choose -- you asked for feedback about how men think, then conveniently neglected to mention your marital status, which adds a whole different aspect to your "relationship" with your LDR amour.

 

You may think it's irrelevant on not "on topic," (perhaps that's why you explained the reasons why you couldn't be together this way):

 

FOR NOW it is not possible for us to physically meet. Mostly finances and the fact that I have two small children and the conflicts/concerns that brings up.

 

"Mostly?"

 

Whether you see being married as an impediment to pursuing an affair with another is your business (and your friend's).

 

But leaving out this "minor issue" and expecting to get validation or feedback from anyone, regardless of gender, about why this guy may have done a runner and what can you do to get him back, is doing yourself and others a disservice.

 

You now say your friend "understood that the situation had far MORE to do with money, distance and our kids than my husband. What anyone else thinks they understand does not really matter."

 

If that's the case, what does anyone's opinion here matter? Why even post or bother to get your knickers in a twist about what anyone here says? You seem to have the situation all sorted out, in little boxes, as you'd like it and you to be perceived.

 

Regardless, fair play to you for "resolving the issue in question." Best wishes for continued success in sorting the remainder, as well.

 

TMichaels

[surfcitysiren]

LOL...

 

surfcitysiren, if you take the time to read past threads you'll find quite a large number of posters here have been/are in exactly the same situation and know full well the "hows" and "whys." You aren't the first, nor the last.

 

And though you're correct -- you don't have to disclose any details of your personal life if you so choose -- you asked for feedback about how men think, then conveniently neglected to mention your marital status, which adds a whole different aspect to your "relationship" with your LDR amour.

 

You may think it's irrelevant on not "on topic," (perhaps that's why you explained the reasons why you couldn't be together this way):

 

 

 

"Mostly?"

 

Whether you see being married as an impediment to pursuing an affair with another is your business (and your friend's).

 

But leaving out this "minor issue" and expecting to get validation or feedback from anyone, regardless of gender, about why this guy may have done a runner and what can you do to get him back, is doing yourself and others a disservice.

 

You now say your friend "understood that the situation had far MORE to do with money, distance and our kids than my husband. What anyone else thinks they understand does not really matter."

 

If that's the case, what does anyone's opinion here matter? Why even post or bother to get your knickers in a twist about what anyone here says? You seem to have the situation all sorted out, in little boxes, as you'd like it and you to be perceived.

 

Regardless, fair play to you for "resolving the issue in question." Best wishes for continued success in sorting the remainder, as well.

 

TMichaels

 

 

Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about! Well thought out and well stated. Fair enough, my friend. Fair enough. Thank you for partially renewing my faith in this community. We don't have to agree with each other to show respect. Nicely done.

[surfcitysiren]

Not kidding at all. Wish I was.

 

Friends are good things to have. You can call me whatever you like. I'll answer to almost anything.

 

Well, 'Mudge....

 

I took the time to read up on ya and some of your past posts (which were laugh out loud funny and very refreshing, btw!) to see what your back story was and have to say.....

 

You are a REAL MAN among men, my friend. You stayed the course and fought a good fight. At least you can hold your head high and know in your heart you tried with her....you certainly did. I don't know many men that would have done the same in your shoes, to be honest.

 

I know......I know....it doesn't really help to hear that......That knowledge plus fifty cents aren't good for much more than a cup of coffee (from Arco, no less! LOL!).

 

I am sorry it has come to that. I'm sure you'll come out on top. Hard to keep a good guy down. Keep the faith.....I know it sucks....

[surfcitysiren]

Anyone you know still hiring? I left a black ops job 6 years ago to stay home and be a mom.... Had 3 TS clearances when I left. If I'm getting out of my marriage I need a job. Lack of money/financial resources is actually the main thing keeping me here. No degree : ( Had a secretarial position supporting two Directors on two different programs. Open to suggestions. Thanks!

[Els]

No, you certainly don't owe anyone disclosure of your personal information. But what you did would be akin to, for example, someone posting 'Help, GUYS ONLY, help me understand why my bf left me without a word!' without mentioning the fact that she cheated on him, beat his dog, etc etc. Obviously all the people posting would sympathize with her and the guys would say maybe the bf had found another girl, etc. And it's entirely her right to do so. But how would that help her? None of the answers would be relevant.

 

Either way, thank you for clearing this up. I don't much know what to say in this case -- I was going to share about my previous online relationship that turned into a platonic friendship... but due to my lack of a Y chromosome, I suppose my opinions wouldn't be of much use to you anyway.

[surfcitysiren]

No, you certainly don't owe anyone disclosure of your personal information. But what you did would be akin to, for example, someone posting 'Help, GUYS ONLY, help me understand why my bf left me without a word!' without mentioning the fact that she cheated on him, beat his dog, etc etc. Obviously all the people posting would sympathize with her and the guys would say maybe the bf had found another girl, etc. And it's entirely her right to do so. But how would that help her? None of the answers would be relevant.

 

Either way, thank you for clearing this up. I don't much know what to say in this case -- I was going to share about my previous online relationship that turned into a platonic friendship... but due to my lack of a Y chromosome, I suppose my opinions wouldn't be of much use to you anyway.

 

 

Actually, E, your opinions/experience of how your previous online relationship turned into a platonic friendship would be fabulous to hear and I would be very open to hearing aout it. It's just not what this particular post started about being about. I've just noticed the tendency for comments around here to veer off into a ditch and far and away off the OP's issue/question.......Hmmmmmmmmmmmm......perhaps I will start a new thread asking about this very subject. : ) Although I have really (I honestly think) in my heart let him go, you never know....down the road he may come back around, in which case my challenge would be to keep it as platonic as possible so we don't get into the issues that led me here to start. Good thought....think I'll start a new thread. Thanks.

[Curmudgeon]

Anyone you know still hiring? I left a black ops job 6 years ago to stay home and be a mom.... Had 3 TS clearances when I left. If I'm getting out of my marriage I need a job. Lack of money/financial resources is actually the main thing keeping me here. No degree : ( Had a secretarial position supporting two Directors on two different programs. Open to suggestions. Thanks!

 

Entry level Office Assistant or Office Technician positions are almost always available. You have to test and get on a hiring list.

 

The pay may not be the greatest going in but for someone who has a lot on the ball and is ambitious it is decidedly possible to start moving higher on the food chain. That's one benefit. Others include great coverage -- medical, dental and vision care-- and a defined benefits retirement system, not to mention a fair amounbt of job security.

 

The downside for you would be that LA or Sacramento are the two most likely places to find that type of employment.

 

I know there's a lot of talk about the budget deficite but it doesn't impact all programs across the board. In the lasrt month we've hired five new office technicians, one staff services analyst, three associate governmental program analysts aned a staff services manager. We've also promoted five other employees. That's quite a lot of movement for a staff of 40. In all of that we've only had to let one person go. As one of the senior kmanagers, that was my unfortunate task.

 

There are worse places to be. My wife went to work for the state after divorcing her former husband because she had two daughters to raise, for whom he never paid child support, and needed a steady paycheck and the benefits.

 

Best of luck, whichever way you go.

[Curmudgeon]

Thanks, Ms. Siren. That certainly conjurs up pleasant images.

 

As for all the kind things you said. I do seem to have my moments but there are still things I could do or have done better.

 

I think my wife wants to separate for about six months to step back, clear the air and see where, if anywhere, we should go from there. She would expect us to "date" during that time to see if we could bring the spark back.

 

Perhaps that's what it will take -- for us to go back to being just friends again for awhile. That's what we were for five years before we married and it certainly sustained us for a goodly number of years after we married.

 

Who knows? Perhaps marriage on the installment plan really IS the way to go!

[surfcitysiren]

Okay guys....now I REALLY need your input!!!

 

Update: He sent me a text yesterday saying something to the effect of "if you are not totally disgusted, pissed off and hate me, I need to talk to you. Please call me"

 

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP?!?!? I'm not sure why he'd think I hate him IF he read the email I sent him (posted elsewhere within this thread) but anyway......

 

I have a VERY CLEAR objective for ANY AND ALL future communications with this man, and have decided it has to be PURELY PLATONIC. Anything else is just insanity. I have no idea what he wants to talk about, and although I do consider him a friend and would like to think I always will (and can be MATURE enough to be his friend and ONLY his friend, and make that crystal clear to him), I am apprehensive about speaking to him.

 

Your thoughts on this matter are GREATLY APPRECIATED, ONE AND ALL!

[carhill]

I would say that, if the "if you are not totally disgusted, pissed off and hate me" part wasn't in there, I would consider it. As it is, I'd let him call (assuming he has your number). Text messages under these circumstances are wimpy, IMO, and I'm somewhat of a wimp

 

It's up to you to decide what kind of relationship you want and up to him whether you're on the same page. It's not like he lives down the street...

 

Text him back "No worries, mate. Call me".

 

[surfcitysiren]

I would say that, if the "if you are not totally disgusted, pissed off and hate me" part wasn't in there, I would consider it. As it is, I'd let him call (assuming he has your number). Text messages under these circumstances are wimpy, IMO, and I'm somewhat of a wimp

 

It's up to you to decide what kind of relationship you want and up to him whether you're on the same page. It's not like he lives down the street...

 

Text him back "No worries, mate. Call me".

 

 

 

Hello, my friend.....thanks...

 

The reason he didn't just call me is that we had an understanding he would never just call me out of the blue unless we had arranged a good time in advance. hence the text. I did wind up calling him back but left a voice mail because he did not answer. (Hi, ____, it's ____. Just calling you, per your request. Hope you are well and I'll talk to you some other time, I guess). I blew it by not just saying something more like, "Tag! You're it! You have my number. Call me on Tues between 8 am and 4 pm my time". But I DIDN'T. And I'm NOT going to call him AGAIN. He'll have to figure it out. I have no idea what he has to say. Perhaps he had a weak moment and thought better of it later. Which is totally fine. I'm not going to second guess him, I don't have the energy for it. I just want to be mentally prepared to handle whatever comes up in the best possible way for both of us.

Thanks again, my friend! You always come through!