Cheating or not??

[cottongal]

My husband and I have been married for less than a year and I just recently found out that he has been e-mailing several women about meeting and having sex. When I confronted him he said it was just talk and that he didn't mean it. I've found similar e-mails four times since. He's always looking at porn- even when we were having sex daily. Sometimes he would turn down sex and opt for late night sessions with himself. Also, he has been looking on adult sites for discreet sex. However, the worst(for me) is that I just found out that he has been looking and pictures of my little sister in her underwear that she has posted on a website- he has even downloaded the pictures to the computer.I have a 3 month old son now and am a stay at home mom- I know I should try to work through our problems, but until what point? I love him, but everything has changed and I don't see how we can move on.

When I talk to him about it he says it's not cheating, but he does agree that if I did it he wouldn't like it. This last time I told him I was going to leave and he promised to clean his act up. But this isn't the first time he's said that.I don't even want to have sex and when we do it's different. I wonder if he's picturing someone else...maybe my baby sister. I feel so lost.

[Spectre]

I mean really, let's use common sense: Why bother talking about meeting up for sex if you don't wanna do it? That is just a shady lie.

 

Let's pretend we live in a fantasy world where this guy IS telling the truth. There is a problem with a guy who gets off by simply talking to other women about having sex with them. Now, it is one thing if he wanted you and him to roleplay, kind of like you were another woman.

 

He hasn't cheated, but to me he has attempted/planned to cheat. Which is just as bad. If a person even considers cheating on their significant other, they do not love that person. I do not care what the excuse is: lack of attention, boring sex life, whatever. We are not animals, we have the ability to communicate, and people sometimes forget that.

 

In the end, it is just going to cause problems. Why bother with the relationship if in the end you're just gonna be questioning him etc? He dug his grave, now he has to lay in it.

[gspgal]

Cottongal, my heart goes out to you as I'm in a very similar situation. My H has also emailed women about meeting but so far as I can tell has never actually gone through with it. When I first found out and confronted him I got the same line that it was just talk and didn't mean anything: mine also said it helped him feel sexy 'for me'. And if that is in fact the case, I'm trying to decide how I feel about it (meaning I don't know where it sits on my mental contiuum of what constitutes cheating).

 

With that said, the fact that he has pictures of your little sister is IMO *completely* unacceptable and constitutes a gigantic red flag. That, to me, seems to be about more than looking at dirty pictures or getting his rocks off by thinking other women are attracted to him. There are issues there, though I'm in no position to know exactly what they are.

 

Have you considered marriage counselling? The pics of the little sister make me want to suggest individual counselling for your H, but I'm going to venture a guess that he wouldn't be receptive to that suggestion from you.

[xpaperxcutx]

When a man denies anything, it's means exactly the opposite. Especially your husband. If he's chatting with anonymous woman online and intiating meetings with them, he's contemplating cheating. If he looks at porn and prefers masturbation over sex, it's not because he's hasn't gotten enough sex in general, it means he wants sex, just not with you. And keeping pictures of your sister? That's just sick. I'm sorry, but he either needs to go to counseling now, or you might as well just start filing the divorce papers.