I get compliments from everyone EXCEPT my boyfriend

[nicki]

Yes, I understand what you mean, Phateless.

 

Do you think it's possible for a secure, independent woman to still want to hear compliments? To a woman, it shows that her man is noticing her and all of her attributes and not taking her for granted. It shows appreciation and attention.

 

I think men should always pursue their women, even after many years together (or especially then). To put it another way, men should always do whatever they can to make their women feel special. It shows a man cares about a woman's feelings, which is huge to a woman.

 

Many women feel like they get the old "bait and switch" routine from men. A man will compliment a woman, act tender and kind, etc...She will then make a decision to be with him based on this, and then, BAM, he stops doing the very things that attracted her in the first place.

 

Replace the word "compliments" with "blowjobs" and I think maybe more guys will get it. Remember back when you used to get a lot of those?

Edited March 11, 2008 by nicki
spelling

[Phateless]

Yes, I understand what you mean, Phateless.

 

Do you think it's possible for a secure, independent woman to still want to hear compliments? To a woman, it shows that her man is noticing her and all of her attributes and not taking her for granted. It shows appreciation and attention.

 

I think men should always pursue their women, even after many years together (or especially then). To put it another way, men should always do whatever they can to make their women feel special. It shows a man cares about a woman's feelings, which is huge to a woman.

 

Many women feel like they get the old "bait and switch" routine from men. A man will compliment a woman, act tender and kind, etc...She will then make a decision to be with him based on this, and then, BAM, he stops doing the very things that attracted her in the first place.

 

Replace the word "compliments" with "blowjobs" and I think maybe more guys will get it. Remember back when you used to get a lot of those?

 

Totally agree. I think most secure women would notice if a guy NEVER complimented her, but that's a far-cry from EXPECTING them constantly. The kind of women I'm attracted to would not base their perception of the relationship based on that.

 

The old me (insecure, self-loathing, needy, etc) would constantly compliment girls because I felt they were better than me. NOW, I only compliment when I feel it is deserved, and guess what? My compliments are ALWAYS SINCERE!

 

I am a sweet guy, and I will treat my next gf like gold, but it will be coming from a place where we've on even footing.

 

One nitpick - "men should always do whatever they can to make their woman feel special." - what about the other way around? What about the man's feelings? This statement screams the 50s model of courting to me...

[nicki]

You know, I almost added more to that part about men making women feel special. Exactly! Women should always make their men feel special, too. It's not one-sided.

 

(Funny thing is, when men make their women feel special, the women usually give it right back to the man. It creates a loop effect.)

 

I like what you said about the compliments being sincere and coming from a place of equal footing. Very important. Sounds like you will compliment a woman you cherish as an equal partner.

 

Wow, I never thought about a guy complimenting a woman because he thought she was better than him. Not a good reason to compliment. It would just feed into the guys insecurities and deepen that particular neural groove.

 

So, what IS the best way for a normal, secure woman to communicate her desire for more verbal expressions of appreciation from her man?

[PG9520]

I know exactly how you feel. I want to be complimented by my boyfriend of 7 years now. I think I need to be because I am so insecure. I here other guys tell me I am hot or beautifull, but I don't believe it because my own boyfriend won't tell me this. To all guys out there, please comment.

Me and my bf have been together for about 9 months. It's been a very rocky 9 months (you'll know if you read my other posts). Well everything is going fairly smoothly for now but he never compliments me anymore. The thing that bothers me the most is that I get compliments everywhere I go (I know that sounds conceited... I swear I'm really not). People tell me I'm hot or pretty and my bf used to do that. I just want him to appreciate me. There are other things that people compliment me on too, like about my values... you know, the things that make me who I am (like being a vegetarian animal rights activist and proud doggy mommy). He doesn't even seem to notice my best traits anymore.

 

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think he does appreciate me but just assumes that I know it or do you think the novelty has worn off for him? Now I'm not the type of girl that needs compliments constantly, but it would be nice to know my bf thinks I'm sexy. It's only been 9 months!

[MimiMe]

I want my next girl to have, along with intelligence, love of music, feistiness and looks.

 

 

Wanna date? LOL!

[MimiMe]

I am a sweet guy, and I will treat my next gf like gold, but it will be coming from a place where we've on even footing.

 

 

 

and... Wanna Date?

[JerseyShortie]

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else?

 

 

Yes! It happens to me and I hate it. My guy will comment on a hot girl he sees but doesn't tell me he thinks I am hot. You would think that the one girl they care about, they would actually care about making feeling good. Instead they seem more concerned with other women.

 

Word of advice guys, if you aren't complimenting her, she will look to other men to compliment her and then compare you to the fact that you don't compliment her but other men who aren't her boyfriend does!

[Phateless]

So, what IS the best way for a normal, secure woman to communicate her desire for more verbal expressions of appreciation from her man?

 

This is dangerous territory to even explore, because you'll always be wondering if the compliments are sincere.

 

One thing my ex did that I liked was when we were dressed up to go out somewhere, she'd come out after getting ready, pose and say "you like?" with a smile. Of course I would reply "yes, you look gorgeous!" and she'd say "good! it's all for you..." - it really made me feel special, and encouraged me to tell her when she looked beautiful, which I did all the time.

 

She then proceeded to get on my case for not constantly complimenting her intelligence.

 

Wanna date? LOL!

 

heheh, look me up when you're in cali.

[JerseyShortie]

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[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I don't want a weaker partner who I have to "court!" I want an equal!! I want someone who is on my level and who can challenge me and keep pace with me. Someone insecure who needs constant reassurance from me is beneath me.

[/FONT][/COLOR]

[/FONT][/COLOR]

 

 

You are applying what your needs in a relationship would be but aren't really considering how sometimes, even often, a woman's needs are different from a man's. A woman' isn't "weaker" because she needs a man to be verbal with her. And she isn't "weaker" because her needs are different then yours. And if you think they are, then you should date men like yourself.

 

No one is saying that you should tolerate a partner that needs constant validation, but at the same time, just because a woman needs to be told that you still find her attractive, smart..whatever, that is a far cry from someone who is insecure.

 

Women are more verbal then men, and while men just need to do the action or see the action done, women need the action and the words to follow. That is one of many reasons why compliments are more important to women.

 

It also goes hand and hand that when your man compliments other women, but not you, that is a clear message who he is giving his attention to at the time.

 

It also has something to do with the major question that men ask them selves compared to women. Men ask themselves: "Am I good enough/can I meet the challenge?". All women ask themselves: " Am I beautiful enough?" Those questions can be answered in a million different ways but because there is a strong feminine desire for women to feel beautiful, from 8-80, that is another reason why women need to be complimented and reminded you still find them attractive.

[MimiMe]

 

 

heheh, look me up when you're in cali.

 

 

And why does everything must be about you? Look me up when in NYC. LOL!

[rdy2explode]

This is one reason.

 

Is that your doggy in your avatar?

 

He is apparently passive-aggressive and this is the other reason. But it's related to the first one as he is punishing you for the things from the past through this behavior. He could also be very insecure (all P/A people are), especially since you're hot - and that's his way of punishing you for being better than him. Why he used to do that at the beginning (all P/A people are very sweet at first) is because you were still a challenge and he wanted to conquer you. Also, the relationship was not yet so frustrating for him and his ego.

its like you read my life in a screenplay.

[stillafool]

Me and my bf have been together for about 9 months. It's been a very rocky 9 months (you'll know if you read my other posts). Well everything is going fairly smoothly for now but he never compliments me anymore. The thing that bothers me the most is that I get compliments everywhere I go (I know that sounds conceited... I swear I'm really not). People tell me I'm hot or pretty and my bf used to do that. I just want him to appreciate me. There are other things that people compliment me on too, like about my values... you know, the things that make me who I am (like being a vegetarian animal rights activist and proud doggy mommy). He doesn't even seem to notice my best traits anymore.

 

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think he does appreciate me but just assumes that I know it or do you think the novelty has worn off for him? Now I'm not the type of girl that needs compliments constantly, but it would be nice to know my bf thinks I'm sexy. It's only been 9 months!

 

 

I had a bf like that once and it drove me crazy! I think it's because everyone else tells you you are hot and they think it will keep you more interested if they don't tell you the same. I always get compliments on my eyes and he never told me he liked them. One day he confessed that he didn't tell me they were pretty because he guessed I had heard that compliment thousands of times. It didn't matter I wanted to hear it from him. So I'm sure your bf thinks you're hot and proud of it.

[Habibti]

What you're experiencing is 100 percent NORMAL. He's with you isn't he? Of course that means he loves you/adores you/appreciates your positive attributes/finds you attractive. He shouldn't have to say it to remind you, you should already know for fact he is with you. Don't like what I just said? Well, that's how our men view it. I know it's a pain in the B-U-T-T. That cloud 9 infatuation feeling wears off, but it isn't a bad thing, it just means your love is becoming more "real".Love takes work, a lot of it. But in my experience it's all worth it. You have to keep pruning and re-potting and allowing your beautiful little love "bulb" to blossom.

 

When men fall into the comfort stage, it just that. Their comfort stage. They feel happy, loved, cuddly and snuggly,peaceful and content. You feel..like last weeks news, unappreciated, attention-aneorexic. For them the chase is over- they've found their lovely maiden, after all that persuing and going out of their way to get you, now they've got you and it's time to rest and enjoy the spoils! Are we being taken advantage of? Yes, but not intentionally. Our men truly love, adore, and appreciate us and the minute a threat comes to town be it real or imagined they will be vigiliant and on their feet to protect you and their love with you, it's just that comfort is about relaxing, it implies things are now honky dory.

 

 

Something about us women that we don't deal with comfort very well. For one, a woman never stops. If you think about it..we're working or housemaking or entertaining guests. We're the natural born multi-taskers and we don't transition into the comfort zone the way our men do. We see any sign of slow down and suddenly think something is going on, suddenly we're not attractive to our lovers, or they are bored with us, or they are lazy ungreatful so and so's taking advantage of the lovely and wonderful women in their lives!

 

 

There has to be a balance! As I've learned in my experience, that balance just may start with YOU. I had something similiar happen to me, and one eye opening conversation at the end of my frustration later- a lightbulb turned on. Typically when we think men are withdrawing from us we do the same on some visceral level or another. Maybe we've talked to him, he's apologized but nothing has changed, so we think okay time to show him: the problem is it doesn't solve anything and only furthers our frustration. You begin to pull away subtley to get his attention, only he may not notice, when he isn't picking up on what you're trying to "say" to him you begin to try harder, in your head- your relationship feels like it isn't working and you turn yourself into a neurotic headcase, he may start noticing but still not clearly understand what it is you're trying to communicate to him.

 

 

If you want to get a little primal hunting action from your man once in awhile (Uh, not THAT kind of action ) make yourself available and open and supportive, there for him but also be just ever so out of his reach. It's a delicate balancing act but I've learned it works.Above everything, consider the differences between men and women and our reception and response to serious relationships and being in love, it might put your mind at ease just to realise how much your man really does love and appreciate it even if he expresses it differently.

Edited March 17, 2008 by Habibti