Boyfriend trying to "find himself" or still had/has feelings for ex?

[freckles3131]

At Christmas time my boyfriend (age 31) was out shopping with a guy friend of his. They ended up chatting about marriage (his friend's g.f is pressuring him about marriage...( My guy says he "doesn't ever want to get married, and I am not pressuring him/nor is it a big issue for me as I have been married before) So his friend asks him "why don't you think you ever want to get married" and my b.f. said, he didn't know..and he has been wrestling with that for a while. He told his friend, "it's not my g.f. I don't want to get married to her or anyone, I don't know why, maybe there is something holding me back, maybe there is something wrong with me," Then the discussion leads to the ex g.f. and his friend says, "do you think you still have feelings etc.." and my b.f. says, "No, but there are alot of unanswered questions and that leaves me frustrated"

So apparently after a few beers he decides to go over to visit the ex (no contact in a year..she cheated on him) and she didn't answer the door. Apparently she called him 3 days later as her current b.f. was there. They had a conversation and he told her he is going through a "what does it all mean, is something wrong with me, did you leave me/cheat because of a,b and c...do I need therapy, do I sabotoge relationships etc...kind of a "finding himself" conversation.

I guess they spoke for a half hour and she ended the conversation w/this will be the last contact we have as I have a new bf and we are moving in with one another. Now the kicker....I only accidently found out about all of this...he didn't tell me because he says it was a "non-issue" and it was to do some soul seeking...that he felt it was more about "us" and him finding himself to be all he can be for me....(he has shown me his cell bills, emails etc...and that one visit and phone call was the only contact. He said, the whole experience helped him to realize "how much he loves me and wants a future with me" Thoughts??

[whispering_willoww]

If you figure this out let me know because I'm dealing with the same thing. I always feel after a break up you need to go no contact for a while until you both have resolved whatever feelings you have/had for each other. My bf has been texting and apparently speaking on the phone with his ex. It doesn't sit well with me either. Yes he told me and yes he was honest about it but I know she really pulled a number on him (cheated mercilessly). They dated for about 6 years off and on before finally calling it quits. I wish I could help both of us

[Mr. Lucky]

Thoughts??

Yes. How did you find out his verbatim conversation with his friend?

 

Mr. Lucky

[freckles3131]

He and I live together and I had a gut feeling....his cell phone bill comes to the house and something told me to check it. (I usually dont' "snoop" but will always follow that gut instinct.) anyways...I saw a 25 min. conversation to her house on it and asked him why he spoke to her and why for so long?? He then proceeded to tell me the whole story about him and his friend being out, the "soul searching", the visit and ultimately the phone convo. (thanks for your help on this Mr. Lucky, great to have a male perspective, we are both in our early 30's if that helps paint a better picture of "maturity level"

[tinke]

freckles

 

it can very likely be that he did not make mention to you of his visit because it is just what he said....a personal exploration to resolving the past.

 

some things ARE better left unsaid. when one leaves suddenly in a relationship, there are a lot of unanswered qustions, dangling emotions, etc.

his feelings very likely have nothing negative toward you.

 

look at it as he needs to deal with the past to clear the future.

[TechDude]

"No, but there are alot of unanswered questions and that leaves me frustrated"

 

So apparently after a few beers he decides to go over to visit the ex ... They had a conversation and he told her he is going through a "what does it all mean, is something wrong with me, did you leave me/cheat because of a,b and c...do I need therapy, do I sabotoge relationships etc...kind of a "finding himself" conversation.

 

He said, the whole experience helped him to realize "how much he loves me and wants a future with me" Thoughts??

 

 

My thoughts? Seriously? I don't see the problem. Do you trust that he told you the truth? All the physical evidence seems to suggest that he is.

 

He is the one that was cheated on and hurt in his previous relationship. He is still carrying the wounds, not understanding why it happened. He doesn't want it to happen again. So, he actually did something about trying to find out what went wrong. I think he is to be congratulated. I think you should be pleased that while he "doesn't ever want to get married", he is not happy to simply accept that and is wanting to do something about it.

 

His solution may not have been the best approach and has now raised some difficult questions, but I think you need to think about why he did it ... and I think the answer is pretty much in your post.

 

Give him your full support, tell him you are pleased that he is trying to do something about understanding his feelings. Maybe you could encourage him to consider some form of therapy to help him explore the unanswered questions. Your post reads like good news to me.

 

He sees a problem.

 

He tries to do something about it.

 

Even though he hasn't resolved the problem, he does confirm "how much he loves you and wants a future with you".

[freckles3131]

I guess the thing that bothers me is....I feel that part of this whole "visit" was because I feel he may have felt he "wasn't over her" and thus couldn't fully love me...and had to "have a conversation" with her (even though he says, it wasn't about unresolved "feelings for her") Then why tell his friend, "I have unanswered questions" and tell her "I'm trying to sort things out and want to know if I can't fully commit to my current relationship "because of you") **His words as he told me, but he said "Not because of "her" but because of "what happened" between them/how it ended

 

So now that he has spoken to her, had some closure...some forced, i.e. she said, "I am now with someone new, we are moving in together, this is the last time you and I will speak" NOW....after being with me for 2 1/2 years, he "Now realizes how much he loves me"...........Why because there is nothing left between them, no chance for them, because she is going into no contact...and left him with no hope..

Does anyone see the other side of the coin here??

Edited March 11, 2008 by freckles3131
grammer

[mysocalledlife]

Freckles, I think you are right to be concerned, but I don't know if I would let myself become overly concerned.

 

I was in a similar situation as your BF once, and I can tell you I definitely did still have feelings for my Ex. And, when I finally did manage to get some closure, it helped me better realize how much I liked my then GF.

 

However, it wasn't a matter of liking her more because I knew I no longer had any chance with the Ex. There was never any doubt in my heart or mind that I would ever have any chance with her, nor did I really want any. Rather, some part of my heart just wasn't available until after I got closure.

 

I guess you could say I hadn't fully or sufficiently healed from the heartbreak of my Ex's infidelity to be completely open to the full possibilities of a new romance.

[freckles3131]

But, if you are a new relationship for 2+ years and love that person, and things are going great...why would you even stop to think about the ex..and to the point of "needing" to revisit that situation? I would think the new, healthy and happy relationship and the love you feel for the new woman that you have been with for two plus years would make things very clear...like..."What Ex-girlfriend?!?!?!"

Is this a "needing to know what's wrong w/him that he couldn't offer that she had to go cheat/wounded ego/feeling less manly"(not being condescending...) or a "what did I do to send her into the arms of another man, and I need to know so I don't send end up in the same situation with my current g.f."

I do understand some of your points, but still have nagging ???? I just don't get why after soooo long and no contact and while shopping out for gifts for me....and while sooo happy with me...would he need to "have closure" I thought men compartmentalized and once burned/shut off the switch...why after 2 years of happiness is a woman's opinion THAT important..when in a happy, healthy,loving, trusting current relationship. I don't know, do men and woman process differently..I guess for me, I would be like plain and simple...EX [email protected] good..done...I am doing much better with new guy for 2yrs now....end of story.