Which way to go?? Long story

[whispering_willoww]

I posted this on another forum here and thought it wouldn't hurt to get some feedback on this one.....

 

I don't even know where to begin with this....so I guess I'll start at the beginning. I have known the guy I'm dating since I was 14 years old (I'm now 29 and he's 32). We were pretty much just "talking" up until this year. I went home for New Year's and he wanted to spend New Year's with me so I told him to meet me and a girlfriend at the club we were going to. Well we had only been intimate once back in 06 at New Year's and I didn't want him to think I was that kind of woman. He met up with us and I was cold towards him because i didn't want him to think we were going to have a replay of the New Year's of 06 and besides I had some other health issues going on and didn't want to go into detail with him.

 

He calls me up about 1 week later and asks if I'm seeing someone and I said no. He tells me that he noticed I was being a little cold on New Year's and bottom line he wanted to be with me. He said we have known each other for a long time and he likes who I am. He feels I'm beautiful inside and outside and likes how he feels when he is with me. He proceeds to tell me he wants to move where I am. Now he had said this many times through out the year that we were just "talking" but I always brushed it off. This time he kept saying this is not going to go where he wants it to if he's there and I'm here. He said he has nothing to lose by leaving because in his line of work he can transfer etc. Well I said ok after a while and said I'd be with him.

 

Flash forward to now. It's been about 2 months into this thing. Now I know he dating this one girl for 6 years and she cheated on him several times. He was down here visiting last week. On Saturday night we went out to have a few drinks and I noticed he was text messaging....it started to get on my nerves but I patiently waited. He turns to me and says that his ex is messaging him. Now according to what I have been told they have been broken up for about 4-6 months now. He even let me read the messages. Nothing was bad it's just I know he still cares about this girl...I don't want to be the rebound woman.

 

If he wants to move here I want him to make sure it's what he really wants and that he's not just trying to get away from the feelings he has for her. It hurts me. I know thinking about it I am probably just feeding into my own insecurities. I fully admit I have some trust issues due to past relationships. I try not to bring that baggage with me though but it is hard. I haven't spoken to him to tell him how I feel yet but I can't go on much longer. After finding she is texting and calling him I don't think he can focus and put his all into what we are trying to build. I care deeply for him as a friend and as a boyfriend. I am afraid we will not have a friendship at all if she were to come between what we are trying to do together. He is very attentive to me and that's great....it's just i have that nagging sensation that if she pursues much harder she may break him down. I don't want to throw in the towel so soon but I don't want to set myself up for another heartache. I feel if the shoe was on the other foot he would have a problem with me being so chummy with my exes especially if he knew that relationship.......What advice can you give?

[trans]

umm .. id say ..

 

this guy as u say .. is a really nice guy .. is attetive .. caring .. loving .. and really good .. right ??! .. Just don't need to panic so soon .. just have a talk with him and tell hm what you feel .. itll help .. ( it helped me .. ) so .. i'd say give it a try .. ( *fingers crossed* ) .. best of luck!

[MatsumeKazuo]

You know, if he was texting his ex-girlfriend and it had been a few weeks since they broke up, I could understand. Personally, I thought you handled his texting situation very, very well. A lot better than I would have.

 

He was with her for six years. She cheated on him more than once. So it's obvious he's got a soft spot for her, and if it's obvious to you and me, he has to know, too. (At least you would think so...) I think you should talk to him about why he still feels the need to text her. Does he not want to let her go? Or is it her that's holding on to the wisps of a former relationship?

[whispering_willoww]

From what I understand it's been several months since they broke up. He told me he likes to maintain a friendship even if the relationship itself didn't work out. I understand that because I am the same way. I don't text and call my exes everyday though. And after the initial break up I go NO CONTACT for a while until I'm over them. I had an instance once when I was over an ex and he wasn't over me so I ceased contact for a little while longer and now we have a great friendship. I want to suggest this to him because if he still has some issues towards her whether they be anger or hurt he needs to heal himself first and then try to forge a relationship with her. We have been friends for so long I would just hate all of that to go by the wayside over this. I know I am woman through and through and we can be down right vindictive at times. I don't want that side to come out. I'm an adult now you know.

[MatsumeKazuo]

You've known him so long, I don't think he would see it as rude to listen to what you want to say. What if you said something along the lines of: "If you keep talking to your ex, then when will you ever have the time to get to know me better?" (Purely joking, mind you.) Just something to get his attention that he's talking to her too much.... But only you would know how he might take to a statement like that.

 

But you are absolutely right about having no contact with an ex until you know you both have moved on. But I'm one of those girls that likes to play dumb and ask stupid questions to try and feel out the guy before I center on a problem.