what was i thinking

[SoStupid]

Posted this on another part of this site, but not sure if it was in the right place. This might be it!

 

 

I'm Going Insane....

 

 

My bf and I have been together for 5 years. Not all of the relationship has been a LDR but here is alittle background on both of us.. he is older, 7 years to be correct, lives in a different country and has no kids. I am young, not too young but not old enough to see through the fog so to say, have no kids and not sure about settling down yet.(which he is ok with).

 

Now to get to the problem. When we first met it seemed like I had found the love of my life, what i had always wanted and more. I was with my now ex boyfriend for 6 years, things with the Ex were done, but neither of us knew life without eachother. Neither of us would end it. So when i met my now bf he gave me the strength to move on..(no he wasn't a rebound) like i said it had been over for years just didn't know what to do(also he cheating on me numerous time) Anyways with that said, I started talking to my current bf on the phone, email, texts,ect.. When talking to him I was blown away by what I had been missing for all of those years.

 

Well here is where i went wrong, Stupid me (and yes thats why my name is So Stupid) Decieded to kind of explore my freedom, Wasn't really commited to (BF) yet, just talked alot and always thought about him. So i started talking to this other guy online(smax herself), Talk to him quite abit and got to know him. I mean he was nice and everything but soon after realized that this guy isn't what i want at all.. I was dead set on my bf now and thats what i want to persuse.. Well that enraged the other guy, Well just so happen that the other guy played a games with my bf and they ended up talking.. other guy told bf everything we had talked about over aim apparently he saved all the convos we had and pictures i had sent him.. Well he sent everything to my bf.. So when bf confronted my I lied about it of course, Why?? the only thing i can come up with is that I really liked him at this point and I didn't want this to mess up our chances of having something.

 

Well After all of that, and all the questions he wanted answers to.. He forgave me! (Thank God) that was hell on earth. Well acouple months later I decided the only way i am going to prove to this man that i love him is to move to his territory, so i did, I was there atleast 6 months, I recieved a email from the other guy! #1 mistake i made is I answered back! #2 mistake he gave me his number and he told me he needed to speak to me and straighten this out that he felt bad for everything that happen ((( I FREAKING CALLED (((STUPID))), Well bf found out, Which made everything worse, I ended up packing up my stuff and heading back home, Thinking that everything was over and he couldn't take my stupidity any more, i dont blame him.

 

Once I returned home, I tried working on myself. Considering the fact that I was in such a longterm horrible relationship prior to all of this and maybe i just need to get my brain right and realize exactly who I am. Thats what i did, hung out with friends, family, had fun! Well we ended up talking again, I expressed all the stupid things that i did and how i couldn't believe after all i had been through with the x and how I let myself do that to someone and make them feel as i once did! I was ashamed of myself! matter of fact disgusted!

 

So I try to prove to him I didn't want anything but him.. Well Its been 4 years since I did this. He still makes comments that he thinks im cheating on him ect, I know how hard it is to get over it, I may feel as its in the past to me, But I know its like yesterday to him.. Its also hard considering i am living back at home and all we have is the phone.

 

I feel as it has to be over, I dont think he will ever get over the fact that I have done this to him.. I have tried to face it head on tell him everything he asks me, BEING FULLY HONEST whether he wanted to hear it or not. Hasn't work so to say the least. I dont know what to do anymore, we are at eachothers throat all of the time, I swear everytime he calls We fight, Even if i am the nicest person in the world there is ALWAYS something.

 

I think last night is what really showed me that he wont heal from this.

My bestfriend in the whole world has my god daughter(love that lil girl)anyways, her bf had to face some trouble and he is away right now for awhile, So she needed help with the bills ect, well instead of me moving in(might ruin the friendship,many reasons) She ended up in desperation finding a roommate(male). Well everytime I go to my bestfriends house(which i went over ALOT before he moved in) BF always askes me if roomate is there, most of the time i dont have to worry cause he isn't home he is out or whatever. Well when he is there I am not going to lie to my bf so i say yes he is here, next thing is you hanging out with him? NO im not...(HIM-Ohh you must be on cloud 9 then.. What is with these comments, I really have changed in the last 4 years I have realized what is important to me and its him why cant he see that?? I dont want anyone else but him. WHY CANT HE SEE I HAVE CHANGED? What can I do to make him see?? Is there absoulutly anything I can do to change this??? Change the fact that he doesn't respect me??? HELP???

 

 

Well if you are still here reading my misspelled words and long story, I thank you! any advice/help would be great.

 

SoSTUPID!

[MatsumeKazuo]

There isn't anything wrong with exploring your freedom. You were in a dead relationship for the better part of six years, and your boyfriend has to understand that. He wasn't your boyfriend then. It's great that he had strong feelings for you, but he has to understand that nothing bad happened. Regardless, it's been four years. And I don't know if what you did made him so insecure, or if he was insecure before that, but he has to realize that you have not actually cheated on him. Maybe a white lie because you were trying to save what was turning out to be a great relationship, but you didn't actually cheat, in my opinion.

 

He can't expect you to live in a bubble. Do you think he is living in a bubble? There will be plenty of people that pass through your life, but you telling him numerous times that you only have eyes for him should make him feel a lot better. You're in a different country. You can't just walk by men and hold out your hands and tell them to back off. It will really hurt your trust issues. Granted, he still harbors some trust issues because of a little thing that happened four years ago. But maybe you don't know how he sees it. I think you should talk to each other and have him tell you his story. How he feels; how you can help him get over it; and why he hasn't gotten over something so insignificant by now.

 

You're not giving up on him, and he hasn't stopped talking to you. So it's obvious you both have feelings for each other. Ask him how you can prove you only want him. Only he will know.

[xpaperxcutx]

Your bf is causing you alot of emotional distress which is not something that relationships should have, unless you were pregnant, or depressed, etc.. you get the point. But it's been 4 years since that time these events had occured so I see no point in why he's unwilling to let it go? Is he possessive? Because these all atitudes of a controlling man, capable of jealous accusations in regards to gfs slightest contact with any male. Not to mention it's very selfish of him to put you thru this, as you both live far apart from each other, and you have been faithful to him all these years. It's not your fault. Both of you need to have a long talk about what's been bothering both you and him. Communication is the key.

[Green]

I dont know, sounds like you had something you think can evolve into that relationship you want to be in and move foward in. Then again you might just be scared to put yourself out there again. What ever you decide don't let that fear rule you

[Cobra_X30]

4 years is plenty of time to get over it. Sorry but it's the distance that is causing this primarily. Your BF is too insecure. Tell him that he needs to TRUST or it's over!

[D-Lish]

Let me get this straight- you weren't yet in a relationship with this man- sort of struck up an internet chat with another guy you sent pics to (naked?) Just curious. But nothing physical ever happened between you and this other dude?

 

If that's the case, I don't see it as cheating- and I think it's something your guy needs to get over. If he can't forgive you for this after 4 years- it doesn't stand to reason that you can have a healthy relationship with him.

 

Yes, I'd seriously consider moving on.

[SoStupid]

Thank you so much for all of your input..

 

D-Lish- No, i wouldn't really call it a relationship, Alittle connection but nothing I thought was going to go anywhere. and yes internet chat with other dude, (half/naked)nothing physical.

 

So i took all of your advice I called and we had a serious talk.. I was honest with everything that happened and he said that it was hard on him to get over due to the fact that his ex cheated and lied ect... I explained that I AM NOT HER! he knew he was wrong and apoligized((SUPRISING)) considering he is never wrong.

 

I do think he is a bit possessive at times. I think he possible could be a controlling man If you let him, he is definatly jealous if i have contact with any males he doesn't know.

 

Thank you again for all of your thoughts....

[D-Lish]

I really don't think you did anything wrong!

Honestly, it was in the beginning stages with your guy- nothing was written in stone and you were flirting a bit....so what!

I don't think you deserve years of backlash for that.

I hope he sticks to his apology and lets this go.

[twice_shy]

WHY CANT HE SEE I HAVE CHANGED? What can I do to make him see?? Is there absoulutly anything I can do to change this??? Change the fact that he doesn't respect me??? HELP???

 

 

Well if you are still here reading my misspelled words and long story, I thank you! any advice/help would be great.

 

SoSTUPID!

 

As someone who has been betrayed, in my opinion there isn't anything you can really do. The damage has been done and it will always be in the back of his mind. Even if you two hooked up, it will still be in the back of his mind and everything won't be real rosey.

 

Thats just my opinion based on my experience.

[twice_shy]

There isn't anything wrong with exploring your freedom. .

 

There is if you have an expectation about a relationship with someone else.

 

Like I told a girl one time that told me that we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. She said she wanted a relationship with me, but we had no committment when she slept with another guy.

 

I told her "true, I can't be mad at you because we aren't committed. but if you wanted a relationship with me, sleeping with another guy while trying to build that relationship was absolutely the wrong way to go about it."

[NuTuDating]

If you weren't in a relationship when you did those things, no harm no foul. Even if you were in the first coulpe of weeks of the relationship with your bf, it's fair game. And yes, if someone decides to stay with you four years AFTER they know, they should move on for the sake of the relationship. Or end it. Cheating is wrong, but it doesn't sound like that's what you did. I can see that he would be upset by you even acknowledging another man's e-mail requests. Pretty dumb there on your part, but seriously, if he decided to stay with you and it's been four years with NO OTHER incidents like this, he should be over it by now.