Lovelybird Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 There is room for error but if there is a pattern of her treating me like crap I would be out of there and women should approach things the same way. Why does wife treat you like crap? because you love her and treat her with respect? NO, because she felt hurt by you (every case is different, maybe hb screw around and heavy flirty with other women, maybe he ignore her, maybe he indulge in porn....) , although that cannot justify the crap treatment. but you can learn how to be a good husband that woman love and don't want to leave you. Good communication will let you know what your wife's need are, where you can do to improve the marriage. If you can provide love, respect, and security to her, why the heck she wants to leave you? unless she has serious problem Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 I've heard it all!!! you must be kidding . You sound more arrogant than anything else (independent or emotionally stable)... Some by nature love rejection because they feel a challenge, I wouldn't exactly say that you wife, ex's, etc... didnt make a false move of unpleasing you because they felt threaten that you will bounce back in a blink if you guys broke up. In any given chance, if that was the case then they are just egotistical people, or just plain insecure and I get a sense that your attitude could have a lot to do with their fears and insecurity. It's not arrogance it is self respect which is something more men need to have. You are damn right that my wife and any other woman I might involve myself with thinks twice before they act up because they know I will choose a single life over being henpecked and whipped and that is the way it should be. It beats being a doormat for a woman that is never satisfied no matter how much a man bends over backwards for her. They are the men that end up getting cheated on and getting the I love you but I not in love with you speech while men like me are the ones who end up having successful marriages. If my wife ever gave me that speech I will tell her we can see the divorce lawyer the next day and move on with our lives. If she wants out I will not try to fight her but I will bounce back very quickly and move on with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 It's not arrogance it is self respect which is something more men need to have. It sounds like insecurity rather than self respect. If you were secure, why would you constantly be dwelling on thoughts of how you don't need your wife, and what you'll do if she disappoints you? If you were secure, you'd just be getting on with it, wouldn't you? When I think of happy couples I know, I absolutely can't imagine any of the people saying anything along the lines of "I don't need my spouse". Don't need them for what? To remain as happy and fulfilled as they currently are? You seem to think it's dysfunctional, co-dependent or in some way weak to need another person in that sense. That misconception might yet prove to be the weakest link in your current marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 I do very much want my wife but I don't need her. Need implies that I am lost without her and I am nothing which is certainly not the case. Want implies that she enrichens my life and is a great addition to it which certainly is the case. I think the latter is a better way to approah a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 If my wife ever gave me that speech I will tell her we can see the divorce lawyer the next day and move on with our lives. Really? Thats all it would take? One frustrated speech? I hope that prenup of your's absolves you from having any patience or compassion! I can't imagine being happy in a relationship with a man who would shut me down and out so fast for so little. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 I do very much want my wife but I don't need her. Need implies that I am lost without her and I am nothing which is certainly not the case. Want implies that she enrichens my life and is a great addition to it which certainly is the case. I think the latter is a better way to approah a relationship. Why did you get married? You see, whereas I may not need my wife to survive and to do so quite well, I also recognize that she brought certain gifts and value to my life and enhances it. While it would certainly be livable without her, it's quality is generally better with her and something would be lost if I lost her. If there wasn't some value added I wouldn't have bothered marrying her. Fir the most part I'mk a better person with her than I ever was without her. Link to post Share on other sites
j_hunt_12 Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Smart guys know how to find wives to begin with that will be caring and not someone that nags. A guy has to control the relationship to some degree and he has to be able to leave in extreme conditions. Then it can be a mutual healthy relationship. I always site my parents who have been happily married for thirty years. My dad controls the relationship of course but he also knows that my mom was a good catch in the beginning and he put effort into it... He definitely really really wants her (almost needs) and my mom definitely wants/needs him, but they are always fighting to keep each other, even though they don't have to. My dad always says you got to find the right one to be happy... That is what is most important. I've found that most "alpha males" (or at least the ones who think they are) are just dumbasses that don't think things through, therefore they get married to the wrong women. I used to hit on so many lonely wives at bars while there "alpha male" husbands wait at home. They were so easy because they don't get what they want from their relationship. Me and my friend were talking with one girl last night, she said she had a great sex life with her husband but was bored and sick of him being a control freak. She said her husband doesn't care about her blah blah blah... She's the local bar sl*t too. I have definitely not seen a bunch of happy "alpha males"... I know a lot of your supposed "alpha males," and they are twice divorced, paying $1000 a month in child support, creepily standing at the bar hitting on the ugliest girls there. The traits that lead to a happy marriage are much less obvious... It's not arrogance it is self respect which is something more men need to have. You are damn right that my wife and any other woman I might involve myself with thinks twice before they act up because they know I will choose a single life over being henpecked and whipped and that is the way it should be. It beats being a doormat for a woman that is never satisfied no matter how much a man bends over backwards for her. They are the men that end up getting cheated on and getting the I love you but I not in love with you speech while men like me are the ones who end up having successful marriages. If my wife ever gave me that speech I will tell her we can see the divorce lawyer the next day and move on with our lives. If she wants out I will not try to fight her but I will bounce back very quickly and move on with my life. TRUE. I do agree that there is something to be said about being independent and not being a doormat. Even if the ladies here will not admit it, it IS VERY important but it definitely comes with some limits. This is so well known though. Just go somewhere and look up "doormat husband." It is good you discovered it, but don't take it too far. It really depends on the people though. There are girls out there you don't have to do anything for once they fall in love with you and they never cheat, complain, or leave... I'm in a conservative country and met a LOT of them. Some girls will cheat on you and disrespect you no matter what you do... It's about balance and finding the right one for you.. I don't know that much about marriage cause I'm not married but I, unfortunately, hang out with an older group of people... mostly divorced guys, I'm around older women a lot and I'll tell you that most married women that are ready to cheat have doormaty husbands OR controlling, dont-give-a-****-if-you-leave husbands... Balance my friend.... You just hear about the doormaty ones getting cheated on more often because they talk about their feelings and you actually feel sorry for a nice guy when he gets cheated on. The "alpha males" just move on and say "got my stupid b*** ex, I left her" they never say "she cheated on me and I felt horrible and betrayed"... But that's how they feel honestly... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 Really? Thats all it would take? One frustrated speech? I hope that prenup of your's absolves you from having any patience or compassion! I can't imagine being happy in a relationship with a man who would shut me down and out so fast for so little. If a woman loves me she would never give me that speech in the first place anyway and I have no patience for that kind of thing. She can bring up[ issues but any divorce talk and she better mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
annieo Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Woggle, ever heard of the self-fulfilling prophecy? You are so on the defensive, at the ready to pounce on anything that your wife does "wrong", it almost seems like you want it to happen, so you will have yet more confirmation that women are all untrustworthy, morally-inferior b*tches. You've got the script for your marital failure already worked out in your mind. Where thoughts go, so intention flows, so beware your thoughts, not your wife. You don't sound self-assured to me - you come across as scared and negative. A truly confident, self-respecting person does not imagine their partner is one word/action away from screwing them over. They know their worth and expect the best treatment from others. And if a partner is truly unfair to them, they move on, but only when it actually happens. Relax and lighten up a little. I doubt your wife is out to get you, but it seems like you are out to get her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 I do want my marriage to work but I know how women can be so I am preparing myself emotionally and otherwise just in case the worst happens. It's just a matter of being prepared and not looking like a sucker when I am tossed aside even though I thought I had a happy marriage which is the situation many men today find themselves in. Link to post Share on other sites
annieo Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 I do want my marriage to work but I know how women can be so I am preparing myself emotionally and otherwise just in case the worst happens. It's just a matter of being prepared and not looking like a sucker when I am tossed aside even though I thought I had a happy marriage which is the situation many men today find themselves in. Too late - you're already married to her. If she morphs into a scheming witch, no amount of "preparation" is going to make you feel any less of a "sucker". My point is that I think your mental "preparations" are possibly going to be the cause of a marital breakdown. If I thought that my h was waiting for me to show my true colours as a female (your words, "I know how women can be") I don't think we would last very long. If your marriage falls apart, you are going to be partly to blame, due to your rotten attitude towards her, and women in general. Marriage requires a certain amount of faith and optimism. Things WILL get rough sometimes, she WILL disappoint you. And you will undoubtably disappoint her at some point. If you really want to be there, are truly committed to her and your marriage, you'll be able to ride out the normal ups and downs. Fear less, and trust your judgement. You can't control every outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 10, 2008 Author Share Posted March 10, 2008 I accept that things will get rough but I know if she does an about face all of a sudden I will be okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts