Do you think that the "stronger" partner is the dumper?

[RecordProducer]

Stronger can have a few meanings, but it generally refers to the person who is more self-sufficient and independent, such as:

 

1. The one who has more money and/or power

 

2. The one who loves the other party less (or gets a crush on someone else)

 

3. The one who is more accomplished in terms of career and friends

 

4. The who would be more free and careless in case of divorce

 

I am trying to find a pattern here. I know that many people dump their partners because of their insecurities, but I think there's still some of the aforementioned factors that plays a role. E.g. my ex-husband left me and he was below me in every aspect (and told me that openly), but he was in a better position at the time; he had money, I was unemployed, he left the babies (ie. the responsibility) with me, and moved in with his parents and daughter. I used to envy him at the time (well, now the situation is reverse, but that's beyond this point).

 

My current husband has decided to divorce me and he definitely used to be in a better position than I was in: he had a family, friends, a career, and money, while I had no friends, no family, no money, I was jobless, and with two kids on my back. It was horrifying, but now I am in a much better position so I am ready to leave. The stronger I was becoming the less patient I was getting about dealing with his crap. When my future started seeming brighter, I found the stamina to say to myself: "Even though I love him, this is not what I want; I deserve better."

 

So, I am thinking all people who suffer in unhappy relationships are simply in bad positions (dependent on their partners in some way) and fear the future. And this question would be pointless if we couldn't offer an answer: maybe all you need to do is to get a life (become emotionally and financially independent and self-sufficient) and/or ensure a good future. The two are actually related. Sometimes, just reaching the staircase that leads to success can fulfill you and give you the stamina to start climbing.

 

Does this make sense to you or do you think that I am just biased to my fairly unique situation?

Edited March 6, 2008 by RecordProducer

[marlena]

Hi RC,

 

Yes, I think being in a stronger place, financially and emotionally, does make it easier to leave. Poeple who are too dependent on their partners, whether through their hearts or through their empty wallets, are undoubtedly in a disadvantageous position. Being co-dependent is never a good thing.

 

This of course can change. Anyone can improve their life and gather the strength to walk out of a toxic relationship.If they continue to accept the status quo without taking steps to change their lives, well, their unhappiness is of their own unmaking. It takes courage and stamina, determination, a strong sense of independence and a willingness to face the unknown however frightening and insecure it may feel at the time.

 

I am guilty of staying in a marriage too long. It was a mistake. I only found the courage I needed when a) I bought my own home and b) I saw what this dyfunctional marriage was doing to my four-year-old daughter. At the time, I also asked for assistance from my parents who were very supportive.

 

Today, if I were in the same position, I would walk out sooner..even if it meant having to become a cleaning lady or a fortune-teller at the local carnival. From this experience, I have also learned to give my love to those who will love me in return - with the same level of commitment and kindness.

 

Probably why I never re-married,haha!!

Edited March 6, 2008 by marlena

[Gunny376]

Me, myself and I?

 

I think your an excetional person, woman, human being!

 

intelligent, educated, well read?

 

That's gotten herself into on Hell of a mess!

 

''I'm alright!"

 

And so are you!

[SeraBella]

I think it makes sense. And honestly, I think it boils down to self esteem and self confidence, which is part of being "strong". Which is why when people post "I can't get him/her off my mind. I can't get over this." so many respond by suggesting they join a gym, clubs, get in touch with old friends, spend time with family...those things make you realize who you are and help build you up again.

 

It doesn't necessarily matter HOW MUCH you make, or WHAT you do...but if you are able to support yourself (and your family) financially, physically, emotionally then you are going to be more apt to leave if things are sucky. You respect yourself and know there is something better out there...even if it means being alone.

 

Personally, I've always thought I was strong. I always supported myself. I am close with family and have a great group of friends and acquaintances that support me 100% with anything I do. I've never allowed a man to get in the way with that, and I'm glad I haven't. I know I'm OK without a man. It doesn't mean I don't like to have one, but I don't NEED one. As a result, I don't put up with any crap. But at the same time, I sometimes feel like my "quick to move on" attitude has resulted in me not acheiving some personal goals. So I guess it goes both ways.

[RecordProducer]

Poeple who are too dependent on their partners, whether through their hearts or through their empty wallets, are undoubtedly in a disadvantageous position.

So the message is: keep your wallets full and your hearts empty!

 

Anyone can improve their life and gather the strength to walk out of a toxic relationship.

Unfortunately not everyone can, but anyone who lives in a developed country and is not too old, sick or in huge debt can.

 

It takes courage and stamina, determination, a strong sense of independence and a willingness to face the unknown however frightening and insecure it may feel at the time.

This is a very good sentence. Those character features move mountains and create magic in our lives.

 

I am guilty of staying in a marriage too long.

Sheeesh, I would have stayed longer. I just got lucky enough to be dumped by Mr. Wrong I and Mr. Wrong II.

 

I would walk out sooner..even if it meant having to become a cleaning lady or a fortune-teller at the local carnival.

I am not so sure I would do that - not quite my idea of independence.

 

 

Me, myself and I?

 

I think your an excetional person, woman, human being!

 

intelligent, educated, well read?

 

That's gotten herself into on Hell of a mess!

 

''I'm alright!"

 

And so are you!

Thank you very much, Gunny. Do you know that I was accepted into law school?

[RecordProducer]

I think it boils down to self esteem and self confidence, which is part of being "strong".

That's a very good point. Also, independence gives you self-confidence and strength, as you suggested.

Personally, I've always thought I was strong. I always supported myself. I am close with family and have a great group of friends and acquaintances that support me 100% with anything I do. I've never allowed a man to get in the way with that, and I'm glad I haven't. I know I'm OK without a man. It doesn't mean I don't like to have one, but I don't NEED one.

That's a good attitude.

 

As a result, I don't put up with any crap. But at the same time, I sometimes feel like my "quick to move on" attitude has resulted in me not acheiving some personal goals. So I guess it goes both ways.

I see your point, but being on the other end of the scale, I would rather be you than me in the past. Men will appreciate you more if you're independent, I think, and you can have a child without a man. He is more likely to leave you with a couple of kids if you depend on him.

[D-Lish]

I have dumped someone before when I liked them more than they liked me... and I did so for that reason.

But yes- I was in a better place financially.... def not emotionally though. That was a tough one- to leave someone you love because you know they can't love you in the same way. I sure felt like the weak one.

[marlena]

Sheeesh, I would have stayed longer. I just got lucky enough to be dumped by Mr. Wrong I and Mr. Wrong II.

 

 

Actually, I dumped him and then gave him a second chance. And then he dumped me!!! Haha!!! How stupid can a person get!!

 

Mad at myself emoticon.

[Trimmer]

I don't know if I have enough experience to generalize - only to share my own. I think my wife was feeling stronger - more in control, etc - when she left me, and it's hard to say whether it was a cause or an effect, but being "left" left me feeling very weak, low on confidence, and out of control, so it's hard to say whether that was pre-existing, or a kind of a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

On the other hand, what I have found is that I believe I have grown by leaps and bounds, by investing immense energy in myself and my own development. I can't say conclusively, and I'm sure my ex has moved on and grown to some degree, but in retrospect, her move was a step - up, sideways, something - whereas I got thrown quite a distance and then embarked on a real journey.

 

In the end, she stepped into a new relationship right away, ("kinda like her old life, only different",) and I wonder if she is going to repeat those same patterns that I now realize she did, before me and with me.

 

On the other hand, I feel like I am a very different person, a combination of all the good stuff I was before her, what good stuff I had while we were together, and a lot of changes that I've worked on since, which still continue to this day.

 

So I think in our case, the dumper may have been stronger at that point in time, but I wonder whether she stagnated somewhat, while the dumpee has bounced back big time.

[D-Lish]

Actually, I dumped him and then gave him a second chance. And then he dumped me!!! Haha!!! How stupid can a person get!!

 

Mad at myself emoticon.

 

lol. It's not stupid. I've been there!

It's one of those things where you kick yourself in the ass because you know you held the upper hand at one time and gave it away.

[marlena]

It's one of those things where you kick yourself in the ass because you know you held the upper hand at one time and gave it away

 

So true!!!!

 

Now, it's I who has the upper hand.

 

I refuse all his advances fifteen years later!!!!

 

What goes round comes roud, D!!!!

[RecordProducer]

Actually, I dumped him and then gave him a second chance. And then he dumped me!!! Haha!!! How stupid can a person get!!

 

Mad at myself emoticon.

Hahah! Well, there's a saying God guards the drunk and the fool. I guess we were fools so, after teaching us for a while, God thought: "OK, some more fools.. they'll never learn, I have to do the job for them and have the guys dump them."

 

I don't know if I have enough experience to generalize - only to share my own.

Wow, Trimmer, what a fantastic post!

I've never thought, as thoroughly and succinctly as you have, about the pain of rejection making us discover new layers of strength and wisdom which help us grow. That was a really great thought and very well written. Thank you so much for giving the pain I've experienced some productive meaning.

Edited March 6, 2008 by RecordProducer

[Tony T]

The dumper is ONLY the one (pick one or more of these):

 

1. Who is getting the least out of the relationship. Not getting some needs met.

 

2. Who feels unwanted, unneeded.

 

3. Who has found someone else.

 

4. Who is unduly influenced by family members.

 

5. Who may have never been in love in the first place.

 

6. Who wasn't ready to get married in the first place.

 

7. Who is immature or mentally unstable.

 

8. Who has serious, underlying psychological problems that makes them unfit for a relationship.

 

9. Who is putting other things, like business, porn, etc., before marriage.

 

10. Who thinks they will be happier single (almost never happens).

[Gunny376]

"Dubbbbbbbbbbbhhhhhhhh! I'm alright! Ain't no one worried about me!":cool: (Ref: The Song ~ Movie

"Caddieshack")

 

Happy feet for you getting into law school! Now get in there and make us proud! :laugh:

 

As they say in the Corps ~ "GET SOME!"

Edited March 6, 2008 by Gunny376

[RecordProducer]

Tony, I agree with those, but it's a different category, because while the dumper might leave because their needs are not pleased, not everyone whose needs are not pleased leaves. So what are the reasons that keep an unhappy spouse in the marriage? i think it's usually emotional or financial (or some other) weakness/dependence. Do you agree?

[Findingme]

Tony, I agree with those, but it's a different category, because while the dumper might leave because their needs are not pleased, not everyone whose needs are not pleased leaves. So what are the reasons that keep an unhappy spouse in the marriage? i think it's usually emotional or financial (or some other) weakness/dependence. Do you agree?

 

Fear of the whole being single again, even if your needs aren't met at least you aren't alone.

[Trialbyfire]

Any relationship is about two people. When one stops fueling it to the level that's necessary, it crumples and gets blown into the wind. That's why I tend to walkaway. The return isn't worth my investment, so I stop investing.

 

The only people who truly understand your situation RP, are you from your perspective, and your husband from his perspective. Which person is stronger, is moot. It's over and now, you have the opportunity to blaze your own life, with two little marvels that adore/are adored by you.

 

One question though, if you were financially independent, would you have walked first?

[Gunny376]

Tony, I agree with those, but it's a different category, because while the dumper might leave because their needs are not pleased, not everyone whose needs are not pleased leaves. So what are the reasons that keep an unhappy spouse in the marriage? i think it's usually emotional or financial (or some other) weakness/dependence. Do you agree?

 

For me, myself and I? None of these reasons are valid ~ not emotional nor financial? Gunny ain't happy? Gunny gets to "steppin" ~ just that plain! Just that simple. But, then again? I don't expect someone else to validate my own personal happiness and contentment in life? That's my job!

 

I don't seek happiness, nor validation, nor contentment form someone else ~ but that's just me?

 

Per your orginal question RP? No! I think the dumper is the weaker-more simple minded person.

 

That wouldn't be you BTW? A weak minded-simple minded person? Your not! Most of the regulars that post here at LS are far from being weak and simple minded? But yet? We're not the ones that did the "dumping" but got "dumped"

 

Why? Way too fast for the "kid" They couldn't handle us? Just that plain? Just that simple!

 

At the end of the day? Intellectually incompatiable?

 

Come on!

 

ChromeBarricuda

Jmargel

LadyJane

Lakesidedreams

TwoTalllegs

MizPrixie

DRosster

Crummegion

Mel

and many, many others!

 

LS people are NOT SIMPLE-MINDED, SINGLE-MINDED, WEAK MINDED PEOPLE!

 

You're simply are going to have to reconcile the FACT?

 

Your DH is despite his wealth ~ a freaking IDIOT FOR DIVORCING YOU!

[Trimmer]

Heh, heh...

 

I'm trying to figure out who some of these are:

 

TwoTalllegs

DRosster

 

... and are you sure this wasn't a Freudian slip:

 

MizPrixie

 

Go, Gunny, GO!!! :)

[Gunny376]

Heh, heh...

 

I'm trying to figure out who some of these are:

 

TwoTalllegs

DRosster

 

... and are you sure this wasn't a Freudian slip:

 

MizPrixie

 

Go, Gunny, GO!!! :)

 

 

Probally more to do with some ice and 12 year old Scocth Whiskey!

[Trimmer]

Probally more to do with some ice and 12 year old Scocth Whiskey!

Loud and clear, Gunny; loud and clear...

 

Yet another on the list of endeavors that a single person can enjoy unmolested.

[emotionally_barren]

Yes I do think the "stronger person" does the breaking. My soon to be ex is a very strong headed, stubborn woman and when she figures things out in her head, that is the way it is. Period.

 

I was too much of a wussy in the relationship, always deferred to her which put too much pressure on her. I was just trying to make her happy by always letting her have her way, and, quite honestly, her judgement was usually the best course in day to day matters.

 

I think I'll check to see if I can get a backbone off of Ebay.

[quankanne]

now guys, the stronger person is the one who realizes that he/she doesn't need this kind of bullshxt in his/her life, and does something about it. And it's often not the person doing the dumping …

 

Tina Turner is the perfect example: Part of a popular music duo but also in an abusive marriage with her music partner. And stayed a long, long time ... until she realized she deserved better than that.

 

they went to court and he took everything, but everything from her but her stage name and her dignity, and look at her career today. She's the one with the known name, and he's just a footnote in the pages of history and a name on a gravestone.

[Lizzie60]

I agree with quankane...

 

In the two serious relationships I had.. I was the one who left...

 

In the first case, I was the stronger (in the end).. I was more intelligent.. I knew that (and that was getting really annoying).. I didn't love him anymore... I was bored.. angry most of the time.. I thought everything he was saying or doing was dumb.. stupid.. He had more money than I did, but nothing stopped me.. I just couldn't stand him breathing..

 

In the second case, he was the strongest... IMO... he was successful, filthy rich, smart, etc... I just knew it was doomed to end so I decide to leave.. I knew we had to move on each our way.. We were very much in love with each other till the last minute.. We are still good friends...

 

I think that now that I have gone through 2 separations, 6 years of deep depression.. I am stronger than ever... and most of all, happier than ever.

[sumdude]

I guess at the time it happens the dumper is usally in the stronger position tactically and emotionally at least as far as the relationship is concerned.

 

After all, more often than not the dumping comes as a complete surprise to the dumped. Meanwhile the dumper has been thinking about and planning the 'escape' for some time. So as they are putting the plan into motion the dumpee is just trying to grasp what the heck just happened. So the dumper is months to years ahead of the dumped because they've been looking at alternatives, distancing and devaluing the relationship for some time while the dumpee has just been going along clueless. Takes a while to catch up....

Edited March 8, 2008 by sumdude