Do you think that the "stronger" partner is the dumper?

[emotionally_barren]

I guess at the time it happens the dumper is usally in the stronger position tactically and emotionally at least as far as the relationship is concerned.

 

After all, more often than not the dumping comes as a complete surprise to the dumped. Meanwhile the dumper has been thinking about and planning the 'escape' for some time. So as they are putting the plan into motion the dumpee is just trying to grasp what the heck just happened. So the dumper is months to years ahead of the dumped because they've been looking at alternatives, distancing and devaluing the relationship for some time while the dumpee has just been going along clueless. Takes a while to catch up....

 

That's how it was with me sumdude! My W is, lets face it, a conniver with a candy chocolate covering. All sweet and nice to me, but making plans with the OM as soon as she gets the chance. But of course she was leaving me anyway, that's what she tells me.

[RecordProducer]

I enjoyed all posts so far... so many people, so many different perspectives...

The return isn't worth my investment, so I stop investing.

This is precisely what happened to me. I love how you put it.

One question though, if you were financially independent, would you have walked first?

I can't answer you with yes or no, I have to tell you what happened with me. I loved him to death and feared his divorce threats horribly. I was emotionally weak. I was also financially weak, but even when I got some guarantees and solutions in that department, I still suffered because I desperately wanted for the marriage to work. When I realized that there was nothing I could do more to save the marriage, I started paying to myself (since I only pray to God for my kids' health) to stop loving him, because that was my only way out. But it wasn't happening.

 

And all of a sudden, as if some religious person would exclaim, a miracle happened. My love for him just died. It happened within 24 hours. I saw him for who he is and felt with my heart that this is not what I want. So now I am thinking of ways to get out of his life. He keeps repeating that he wants me out, lately, every day, sometimes multiple times a day. But, instead of inducing fear in me, now I only hope that he means it. Unfortunately, it seems that he loves threatening, but didn't really mean it, because he isn't helping me to leave.

 

Your DH is despite his wealth ~ a freaking IDIOT FOR DIVORCING YOU!

Thanks, Gunny!

 

he's just a footnote in the pages of history and a name on a gravestone.

Are you kidding me? the only thing he's famous for is for being Tina Turner's ex-husband!

 

I think that now that I have gone through 2 separations, 6 years of deep depression.. I am stronger than ever... and most of all, happier than ever.

Just curious, what helped you get out of depression and become happy? I am not depressed myself, but I wonder what causes the change. My father was very depressed for a year or so and then he took some medication for a few months and now the depression is gone, and nothing changed in his life whatsoever. So I wonder if in your case it was some big life-altering circumstances, internal change or meds.

 

After all, more often than not the dumping comes as a complete surprise to the dumped.

... and sometimes the one that threatens ends up surprised. I've seen this with other couples and I am starting to see it with my own case. Namely, while A threatens B all the time without actually meaning it seriously, B starts preparing him/herself for a breakup. B starts contemplating his/her escape, building a new future, first on fantasies and pain, then on real actions and hopes. After awhile, B is prepared to move on and doesn't fear anymore. B has reconciled with the possible breakup, which means B is half way done with the process of healing. Finally, B is tired of fighting for the relationship and realizes that he/she has done everything to make it work, but nothing worked. At the same time while B was doing this hard work, A was asleep, happy with their threats, feeling strong and above B. A didn't make any plans for the future because they thought that B would take the crap forever. So when B leaves, A feels betrayed and starts fighting for what they lost. Alas, too late...

 

That's how it was with me sumdude! My W is, lets face it, a conniver with a candy chocolate covering. All sweet and nice to me, but making plans with the OM as soon as she gets the chance. But of course she was leaving me anyway, that's what she tells me.

Ouch! That must hurt. I feel for you.

[OldEurope]

And all of a sudden, as if some religious person would exclaim, a miracle happened. My love for him just died. It happened within 24 hours. I saw him for who he is and felt with my heart that this is not what I want. So now I am thinking of ways to get out of his life. He keeps repeating that he wants me out, lately, every day, sometimes multiple times a day. But, instead of inducing fear in me, now I only hope that he means it. Unfortunately, it seems that he loves threatening, but didn't really mean it, because he isn't helping me to leave.

 

Just curious, what helped you get out of depression and become happy? I am not depressed myself, but I wonder what causes the change. My father was very depressed for a year or so and then he took some medication for a few months and now the depression is gone, and nothing changed in his life whatsoever. So I wonder if in your case it was some big life-altering circumstances, internal change or meds.

 

 

Hi RP...

 

It is no great mystery that you would just "wake up" and feel completely differently about him. That is a good sign. It shows you have a sturdy self confidence. For, to my mind, this "religious epiphany" means that you've lost respect for him, and you are--properly so--someone for whom true love is an extension of high respect. For you, the one cannot truly exist without the other (and I am the same way). It is why I find it exasperating when women who are treated terribly by their husbands--emotionally, physcially or both--continue to bleat "But I love him!". That is usually a sign of so-called "co-dependency"...I.e. the low-self esteem of one partner seeks validation/justification/reassurance the other partner's stronger self-confidence (or appearance of such). It is a deadly psychology.

 

I.e. Depression....Please please please...Should that hit you...don't go the perscription drug route. Go for the root of the depression, do not try to cover it with brain cosmetics.

 

I am happy for your father...But perhaps he himself knows that the true foundation of his depression is a problem or psychic state he either hasn't fully acknowleged or confronted--and perhaps doesn't want to. Don't become a part of the "Prozac Nation" trend of the United States where people are floating around "numbed" from their problems by so many drugs and what not, but never getting to the roots of their issues. Good God, even doctors are now giving them to young kids in the States. Its madness and dangerous.

 

And no I do not buy the argument that some lack of brain "chemicals" is causing these depressions. Perhaps in a few select cases, but certainly not the vast majority. To already be in a mental depression might affect the production of certain chemicals, yes. But to simply blame "chemicals" as the source of the problem from which depression stems, is to my mind, silly science.

 

I fear, that today's "quick-fix" mentality that such-and-such magic pill will make everything okay, is really a contemporary social cancer. (And do you want to be dependent on pills every time you get the blues? I think not).

 

My cure for depression is a) intense physical activity (exercise, sport); b) the high arts (beautiful music, art--makes you see beauty in life again and you get your intellect buffed and polished) and most of all, c) self reflection. Constant q & a to yourself as to why action A led to result B and what your role in between was or was not. And also, rid yourself of negative surrounding: stupid people, stupid television, ugly surroundings, ugly attitudes. I think many people are unaware how much "environment" becomes "personality".

 

We're rooting for you here! But please do not become dependent on anything except your own smarts and instincts.

 

xoxo

OE

[sumdude]

OE, though I agree that anti depressants are over prescribed there are many whose lives have been improved dramatically by them. There is no doubt that dopamine and seratonin levels have a major impact on emotional states. That said i think the other avenues you mentioned should be followed first.

[RecordProducer]

Thank you for the wonderful extensive answer, OE.

I am happy for your father...But perhaps he himself knows that the true foundation of his depression is a problem or psychic state he either hasn't fully acknowleged or confronted--and perhaps doesn't want to.

No, he only took the medication for a few months and never experienced depression again (and it's been almost two years since).

 

I think many people are unaware how much "environment" becomes "personality".

This is such a great thought. I also think you can't change yourself, but you can (should) change the environment (remove the source of your pain or remove yourself from it).

[nylah]

TT, I choose all of the above(smile)... and RP I'm with you too.