how far should I go to for him

[confusedwife84]

I’ve been married to my husband for nearly 2years we’ve been together for 6years. Last year I caught him using various online websites talking to other women, planning to arrange meets all these conversations were happening on the internet. I then discovered that he was also chatting to another couple, and had arranged to meet them to have a threesome. I was very hurt and upset that I did nearly leave him. At the time he said that he didn’t feel that he was cheating as it was all in his head and was just some fun. He promised that he wasn’t interested in anyone else that I was all he wanted, I said that I would on this occasion forgive him, but if I ever caught him doing anything like this again I would walk out the door and not return. He promised that was it he would never do it again, and I thought that this was the end of it

 

Last week we were discussing fantasies at the time he wasn’t keen to discuss his as I would be disgusted, after some discuss he eventually said that his would be to watch me have sex with another man, and then to join in. He said if I would agree to this, I said would that not bother him watching someone else with me and he said it’s a huge turn on. He somehow managed to get me to agree to this, I didn’t think anything would actually be arranged and that once he’d thought about it he would change his mind and decided that he couldn’t stand the thought of watching someone else with me. But it hasn’t he has since posted adverts on the website to find someone to come round, and has found someone and has invited them around this evening. He says that one of the reasons he wants to do this is to provide me with more experience as occasionally I’ve said I wish when I was younger I’d perhaps been more experimental, as I’ve only ever slept with 2men, my husband and one serious boyfriend, but I’m proud that everyone I’ve slept with has meant something to me. Whereas my husband has done everything imaginable he wont tell me the number of women he has been with but from comments about other partners over the years I think the number is at least 20 possibly 30+. This doesn’t bother me, although I occasionally have a little thought I’d like to have more experience but then remember I’m happy with my experiences.

 

The guy he has coming round does seem nice enough, he is attractive, seems like he has a good sense of humour, as my husband has been chatting away to him online and on the phone. The two of them seem to have a good laugh but I’m really beginning to feel uncomfortable by the thought. I don’t want to say that I don’t want to do it as I’m concerned if I say no that he will go and become a 3 with another couple as he obviously isn’t happy with us just being the two of us. I love him so much and he means the world to me, and he always says if we weren’t together that he doesn’t think he’d survive.

 

In the past when he had the internet thing I did speak to a friend about this but I don’t feel I can talk this through with a friend as I’m ashamed that I’m considering doing this. The thing that worried me is that he is now looking into the next stage of having one guy round, he next wants to meet a couple, he has been emailing a couple and said to them we’re having a guy round and depending on how I get on we’ll meet them soon.

 

To be honest I didn’t mind the thought of the threesome when it was just a fantasy in his head, I didn’t mind him talking about it while we were in bed. But the thought of it is all becoming a bit too much.

 

The guy said he wants to come round tonight, just to chat and make sure we all get on, but I’m beginning to feel awful about the whole situation. I really don’t want to say no in case my husband decides it is something he really wants to do. I am full of the cold so think my husband my cancel tonight, and reschedule but part of me feels if I’m going to give this a go that I’d rather just get it out of the way.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I’m so confused at the moment and feel so alone

 

Thank you in advance

 

confused wife

Edited March 6, 2008 by confusedwife84

[j_hunt_12]

Can't say I have any experience whatsoever about the swinging couple relationship, but the advisor in me thinks you should talk to your husband about you being nervous. Sometimes it's hot for us guys to think of our girls in some porn show, but in reality it might really bug us when it actually happens. The brain thinks in two ways, I've noticed, and those two ways are complete opposites. It is almost always best to keep fantasies in your own fantasy world. Your husband himself might not even be aware of this, but I've heard about it many times on online forums.

 

Anyways, now for the sex question... He's planning to join in? Threesome with two guys and a girl is a little more intense (and painful) than normal sex I'd assume... just so you know. I hope you have a really crazy sex life with your husband because that's a little more extreme than you people might realize. I don't think you should be joking around with stuff like that. Swinging is really not my thing at all, but I think you should start out with having sex with your husband in the same bed as other couples if you really are prepared to venture that way... then move on from there. What you are talking about makes even me cringe when I think that you've only had sex with two guys before... ahhhhh marriages nowadays... (It would be a good porn though.. haha)

 

Ohh yeah you really really really shouldn't feel like you have to or should do something like this... I think you know this.... good luck either way

[TechDude]

At the time he said that he didn’t feel that he was cheating as it was all in his head and was just some fun.

As far as I'm concerned, doing it in his head is just as bad.

eventually said that his would be to watch me have sex with another man, and then to join in ... he said it’s a huge turn on.

I really don't understand that. Not a chance I'd consider "sharing" my wife.

 

He somehow managed to get me to agree to this,

 

I don’t want to say that I don’t want to do it as I’m concerned if I say no that he will go and become a 3 with another couple as he obviously isn’t happy with us just being the two of us.

There, you've said it. He isn't happy with just you. There is a problem. He has no right to even ask you to do this.

 

I love him so much and he means the world to me,

I really don't understand why. It would appear that you don't mean much to him.

 

and he always says if we weren’t together that he doesn’t think he’d survive.

There we go again - it's all about HIS needs and wants. Don't believe this statement of his. It is just to manipulate you to stay. You are his security blanket, someone to fall back on when his other exploits fail. Is that really the role you want in this marriage?

 

as I’m ashamed that I’m considering doing this.

Good. Nothing good will come of this. It will only be bad for your marriage, or what's left of it.

The thing that worried me is that he is now looking into the next stage of having one guy round, he next wants to meet a couple, he has been emailing a couple and said to them we’re having a guy round and depending on how I get on we’ll meet them soon.

Where will it stop. Browse a few BDSM sites if you want a taste of the future.

 

I am full of the cold so think my husband my cancel tonight, and reschedule but part of me feels if I’m going to give this a go that I’d rather just get it out of the way.

So, he knows that you don't feel well, but your gut feeling is that he is not concerned about you and is more concerned with gratifying himself.

 

I can't believe you are even considering it.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I’m so confused at the moment and feel so alone

If you already feel so alone, then you probably won't feel any worse if you leave.

 

This guy is unbelievable - all he cares about is gratifying his own insatiable desires. It will keep going until you can't take it any more. The trouble is, by the time you figure that out, you will already have gone much further than you wanted to and you will have to live with the regret of even starting down this path.

 

Tell him you only agreed out of love for him. However, the fact that he even asked you to do this demonstrates his lack of love for you. You can't go though with it. If you are not enough for him, then fine, you will leave so that he can find someone who does want to play his sex games.

Whereas my husband has done everything imaginable he wont tell me the number of women he has been with but from comments about other partners over the years I think the number is at least 20 possibly 30+.

After all that, what makes you think he is going to settle down and stay faithful to you for the rest of his life? Sorry sunshine, he ain't gonna change.

This doesn’t bother me

It should.

[gspgal]

I'm sorry that you've found yoruself in this difficult position. However, I think this statement speaks volumes:

In the past when he had the internet thing I did speak to a friend about this but I don’t feel I can talk this through with a friend as I’m ashamed that I’m considering doing this.

To me, having an open relationship is neither right nor wrong, that's the choice of the couple. However, it's something both partners have to be interested in and open to, not just one. The fact that you're ashamed of what you're considering says, to me, that you're not actually interested or open to this idea and that you're only doing it to try and keep your husband.

 

If so: have you told him that you're ashamed? What did he say? If he said it will pass, then he's not taking you're feelings into consideration, which for me would imply he doesn't take them seriously. Are you truly going to be happy staying married to a man who doesn't take your feelings seriously?

 

It's not that him wanting a threesome is wrong, and it's not that you feeling ashamed that's wrong. It's the fact that he isn't listening to what your comfortable with and not taking your feelings into consideration that imply there are serious problems in the relationship.

 

If it were me in this situation, I would tell the H that was he is planning makes me feel ashamed and I would also ask if he'd be willing to go to a counsellor with me.

[j_hunt_12]

84... does that mean you are 23???

 

Here is a real guys perspective: You are way to young for this crap... swinging is for old fat liberals and pornos. He, honestly, probably loves the fact that he is ruining his young innocent "wife", that doesn't know how she will react to that first night with two guys.... Even if on a small level, he probably thrives on your fears and hesitance. That is how guys think... sorry, get that into your head. BUT most guys never actually include there wives into this crap though BECAUSE THEY CARE ABOUT THEM and usually don't let fantasy get into real life. Your husband sounds creepy, but I dont know him so I wont say anything. He could honestly want to two go down the swinger path and thinks you will enjoy it. I'd say get counseling though, you really can't know someone, even after 5 or whatever years.

 

The other people here were right too... I agree but was too lazy to write everything out.. A good first step would be to tell your husband that you are really uncomfortable with the whole thing... If he tries to convince you to do it anyways, that is a good indicator that he is a creep... You really should understand everything by his reactions... I really am shocked by the "I'm so lonely" you have a "husband" you should be able to talk about stuff with him...

 

P.S. did you ever get the memo about STDs?

Edited March 6, 2008 by j_hunt_12

[blind_otter]

IMO you should never do anything that you are uncomfortable with, for anyone's sake.

[quankanne]

yep, just tell him that you've rethought the issue more seriously, and for obvious reasons (shared cooties and a sense of shame) you just ain't interested.

 

fantasies are fine, but when they cross the line and BOTH parties aren't interested, then it becomes less of a thing to share and more of a thing that one demands of the other, and you shouldn't have to put up with that crap if you don't feel comfortable with it.

 

if he has a problem with your decision, maybe this isn't the guy you should be trying to make a "forever" life with ...

[confusedwife84]

Thank you all for your advice, perhaps I'm being stupid and need to wake up, but I did say to him yesterday that I didnt want to do last night and he did cancel. We are going to sit down this weekend and have a huge discussion about all this.

 

As for the comments about why would he change for me when he has had so many partners in the past, he's calmed down, changed his lifestyle. He was at boarding school so his sexual activity started early, at his school it was normal to start having sex at 13, so he fooled around at alot at school. Then he went straight into the military and to be honest all the people I know in the military have very similar backgrounds, to be accepted you do end up sleeping with lots of people, you can the argue that he didnt need to follow the pack but he was young, and there is a lot of presure put on the guys and girls I might add. Not just sexually, but to drink, etc.

 

Everyone that knows him have said that he has totally changed since meeting him, this includes his parents, best friends, work collegues, etc. Yes you could argue that I'm being stupid, and being taken in by it all this, but I do believe that he has changed since his past. He has never forced me to do anything in the past, when we first started going out he didnt jump into bed with me, he waited till I was ready, it was all done on my terms. He said perviously he would have gotten rid of the person if they'd done that, but I was different.

 

As someone said you don't know him, he has helped me through a lot of difficult times, the death of my mum, my depression, he has always in the past put my feeling first and after reading all this I realise that once I've spoken to him he will put my feelings first again. I think the only the reasoon that I thought about doing this for him was as a way of showing him how much I love him. But now realise I don't want to change my moral values.

 

Thank you for your advice as I said earlier I am going to sit down with him this weekend and talk the whole thing through with him and explain my exact feelings behind this. Personally I don't have a problem with other people having open relationships but that I don't think that is something I really want to do.

[sb129]

If you don't want to do it, then don't. I can completely understand where you are coming from , and I wouldn't want to do it either.

 

Compromise in a marriage is a good thing, but this is taking it to the extreme IMO. It is all about HIS wants and needs, and you are trying to accomodate them because you are scared he will leave you if you don't. This isn't healthy.

 

Often when fantasies are turned into a reality, the reality isn't as good as what was expected, and a situation like this one could have disastrous consequences for your marriage.

 

Its good you are having a talk, your H is obviously open to listening to your concerns. Ask him if there is anything that you guys can explore to satisfy his fantasies WITHOUT getting other people involved.

[sb129]

Read this thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t146328/

 

Print it out and show it to your H this weekend when you have your talk.

[gspgal]

Best of luck with your discussion, confused! My only suggestion would be to think about the points you want to make and talk about well ahead of time.

[confusedwife84]

Read this thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t146328/

 

Print it out and show it to your H this weekend when you have your talk.

 

That is really interesting thank you.

 

Also I have spent the day thinking what I want to say to him about the whole situation. Thank you all for your thoughts.

 

Think I just needed to share this to get it straight in my mind, before speaking to him.

[Mr. Lucky]

Last year I caught him using various online websites talking to other women, planning to arrange meets all these conversations were happening on the internet. I then discovered that he was also chatting to another couple, and had arranged to meet them to have a threesome. I was very hurt and upset that I did nearly leave him. At the time he said that he didn’t feel that he was cheating as it was all in his head and was just some fun.

Actual translation:

 

You caught him before he could go through with it.

 

And now you're going to let him talk/force/coerce into having sex with another man?

 

Why?

 

Mr. Lucky