Devastated by father's secret

[BeenThere69]

I recently joined LS for the purpose of replying to one poster, now I find myself needing support. I just found out that my elderly father (78 yrs) was arrested for propositioning a male plain clothes police officer in a public restroom a couple of weeks ago. My siblings and I found out about it by coming across a small article in the newspaper. I have also just recently found out that he's been collecting gay porn for years (at least since my mother's death 12 years ago). My brother confronted him and is helping him find representation for his court case. Of course, he claims it was entrapment, but the evidence strongly suggests otherwise.

 

My father is aware that my other siblings and I know about this and that we are devastated. Despite this, he hasn't contacted any of us to explain or apologize. Moreover, he never asks my brother about any of us, and doesn't seem to care if he ever talks to us again. As he's gotten older, my siblings and I have tried to help in every way we can. All of our efforts have been met with resistance. I guess now I know why. If you're leading a double life you probably don't want anyone to get too close. What's really sad is that even while we were visiting him weekly and trying to help him, he was telling his friends, doctors, etc. that he was estranged from his children. This info came out recently too.

 

My initial hope was that this whole incident could be explained by senility or dementia, but that just isn't the case. I'm coming to realize that he is just a mean-spirited, selfish person who never cared about anyone but himself.

 

I'm planning to start counselling soon, but in the meantime I could really use some advice on how to deal with this. I don't plan on speaking to my father until he contacts me to explain/apologize, and knowing him the way I do, I don't expect that will ever happen. How do I face other people? How do I deal with holidays, family events (I'm getting married next year)? Essentially, how do I mourn the loss of my father while he's still alive?

[Nevermind]

MH. I am a bit at a loss here. Your father suggested to have sex in a public restroom. And has been watching porn. While the first certainly isn't great, it is none of your business. But (unless I just didn't understand your post, English is not my first language) what is your problem?

 

You can't deal with a father who is gay? Or do you feel betrayed because he lived a lie?

 

When your father was a young man it was still very hard to come out off the closet. Homosexuality was considered a sin, or a sickness. You could lose all your contacts, your job, your family when you were open about it. Many didn't realize they were gay, and if they had a suspicion they tried to supress it. Maybe your father lived a double life, but I am guessing he wasn't happy about it. And imho the fact that he stayed with your mother means that he did indeed love his family. There are many kinds of love under the horizon. I wouldn't be surprised if he loved your mother, too.

 

Despite this, he hasn't contacted any of us to explain or apologize.

Why should he apologize to you?

 

You feel estranged from your father and so does he. Maybe you should all just kick the stupid pride out of your system and talk to each other. Simply ask your father the questions you want to ask him. And be prepared for the answer.

 

Essentially, how do I mourn the loss of my father while he's still alive?

Have you lost your father because you suspect he is gay, or because you haven't been in contact for a while?

[quankanne]

how do you handle this? By accepting that even though you're shocked, disgusted, overwhelmed, etc., you are not responsible for your father's behavior. At anytime whatsoever. And especially if he's not suffering from dementia or Alzheimers, which would alter behavioral patterns, thus leaving him vulnerable.

 

nope. Your dad is going to do what he's going to do, and as much as it hurts, you're going to have to accept that.

 

never is right in suggesting that you kick your pride (or indignation or disgust) aside and keep in contact with your father, even if he shuts you out. Tell him you love him even though you don't necessarily agree with him, and that you don't want to lose contact with him. He might run with it … or he might turn you down, but at least you've got it there on the table.

 

as for dads gone wild … well, let's just say that his behavior isn't unusual considering he's no longer a married man who's got to keep his fantasies in check. My mom wasn't buried three weeks when my father started openly pursuing a woman younger than me, and pressing for her hand in marriage. Last fall, after a series of events that kept them apart, he married her all the while acting like a defiant teenager with his five adult children, saying he didn't give a damn if he tore the family apart. Well, INS got into the picture and contacted him a couple of months ago and told him, "Guess what? We've discovered she's exploiting you!" The exact damned thing we kept telling him, but he was too stubborn to listen.

 

now he's on his deathbed trying to clear things up before he's gone. And I think the saving grace is that none of my sibs or I cut him out of the loop even though he was perfectly willing to sacrifice us for her, so he's got us surrounding him in is last days, and not the Child Bride.

 

so don't give up on your dad, but stay in contact with him even as he tries to separate himself from y'all because he feels guilty about acting on his sexual fantasies. He needs you. And you need him.

[gspgal]

I don't know if you have children or not, but if you do/did: would you shut out one of your children because you discovered they might be gay? What about one of your siblings, or a life-long friend? If not, what would make your reaction change just because the person in question is your father?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is you only have to mourne the loss of your living father if you chose to do so: it takes two people to stop all communication. If that is in fact the route you move towards, I would recommend a grief and loss counsellor: they deal with these emotions when they are generated by death, divorce, or other traumatic separations.

 

On the other hand, if you continue to have/work on a relationship with your father, perhaps he should also consider counselling. I would imagine gacing the fact that he might be gay would be extremely difficult, but propositioning anyone in a bathroom is destructive behavior that could have deeper roots.

[Tony T]

Your father doesn't owe you an explanation or an apology. First, he's innocent until proven guilty. If you want to stipulate that he is, in fact, guilty for the purpose of this thread then you do owe him understanding, forgiveness and compassion. Sure it's a disappointment but everybody disappoints us. I was pretty disappointed with God after Hurricane Katrina...and your father hasn't caused billions of dollars of damage, killed hundreds of people and displaced thousands.

 

Stop being selfish about this and consider your father's position. I'm very sure he's humiliated, embarrassed and would prefer to stick his head in a toilet and flush it. Call him now, tell him you are aware of what he's going through and that you are there for him. If he is found guilty, tell him you love him despite his transgression...just as he continued to love you through the years despite all the crap you put him through growing up.

 

Get your wits about you! The world isn't perfect and neither are your relatives.

[SeraBella]

I can understand that you would be devastated and I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I hope it's not the fact that he is gay that is devastating, but rather the fact that you feel like you were lied to your entire life. If it is the fact that he is gay, then I'm sure that was part of your upbringing, and if so...imagine the shame and guilt your father must feel!

 

I would definitely be upset if he was telling people he was estranged from his children, though. This isn't an excuse for him, but perhaps a reason...maybe he's just extremely lonely and it was a way for him to get more attention and consideration from others. I can only imagine how lonely it would be losing your life partner and then trying to come with grips of your own sexual identity...at such a late stage in life.

 

I don't think you should just drop him out of your life. I think you will regret it later...when you get married and he's not there...when you're older and he has passed...when your children/nieces/nephews ask about him...when you think back on your life. There are times in life when you just have to swallow your pride.

 

I think you should be there for him...in a non-overbearing, understanding, compassionate way. You are suffering from this and struggling with what to do, but he's likely been suffering for longer and his struggles are most likely greater...and much of that probably has to do with how he feels about how you and your siblings feel about the situation.

 

Don't worry about facing other people...EVERYONE has skeletons in their closet, and who is to say they even know? If they are judging you for your father's behavior, they are not worth the time of day.

[whichwayisup]

Love your father UNconditionally, just like he has loved you and your siblings all your lives. Atleast you have a father who is alive! Mine died in 1993, I'd give ANYTHING to bring him back.

 

Sure, you may not like his lifestyle choice, or the fact he's made some bad choices but it doesn't mean you don't support him. HE needs ALL of you now. Wouldn't you expect him to be by your side during your rough times? Even if you had made some bad choices?

[Curmudgeon]

How do I face other people? How do I deal with holidays, family events (I'm getting married next year)? Essentially, how do I mourn the loss of my father while he's still alive?

 

Your father is anything but dead. He is who and what he is and that's all that he is. You may not like it, nor do you have to, but it doesn't change a thing in his life. if he's gay he's gay and that's all there is to it. The same goes for what appears to be remotelessness.

 

You deal with holidays and family events like you've always dealt with them. Nothing's changed. Who he was a decade ago, or even just yesterday, he still is.

 

Please don't try to over-dramatize this. I lost my mother in 1989 and my father a bit over a year later. Neither was the best of parents (actually, rather awful) but I loved and miss them and would give anything to have them both back, even at their ages now if they'd lived which would be 86 and 88, respectively.

 

Consider yourself fortunate to still have a living parent at all!

[Gwyneth]

My first thought was that he's suffering from dimensia. My grandfather had that and thought he was Babe Ruth one night. Had no idea whom any of us were, and tried to tip my mom after dinner every night because he thought he was at a fancy restuarant eating and not at his home. He also wanted to go home to his mom every night after dinner (his mom has been dead over 40 years and he was in his late 70s--I think he thought he was a kid).

 

My second thought was that he doesn't want to see you or your siblings because he's a shamed. I think that's understandable.

 

I also think that if he is gay, you need to accept it and learn how to deal with it--counseling is a good way to start. I can't imagine how surprising and upsetting this is for you, but I'm sure you will get through this.

 

He may be Very confused as he's probably mising your mom Very much. This is what led my grandfather to dimensia--depression from my grandmother's death. He would do things a sane minded human being would not do--perhaps that can explain your father's propositioning himself in a man's bathroom.

 

I hope you and your family can get through this.

[quankanne]

I would definitely be upset if he was telling people he was estranged from his children,...maybe he's just extremely lonely and it was a way for him to get more attention and consideration from others.

 

or maybe he feels it's better to cut and run on them before THEY can cut and run on him? Especially if he knows they're unhappy with what's come to light and feels a sense of shame.

[norajane]

I'm coming to realize that he is just a mean-spirited, selfish person who never cared about anyone but himself.

How did you come to this conclusion? He stayed married to your mother until she died, and he did so despite being homosexual, so he obviously cared about the commitment he made to her and to their children.

 

Yes, he's not contacting you now because he's probably totally embarrassed and probably can't face you. Your brother is helping him with his case, so obviously he is not avoiding offers of assistance from his children and he's open to talking with him. But he probably doesn't want to force you to deal with his legal situation or his personal sexual preferences, so he's not contacting you. He must assume you don't want to get anywhere near him since you haven't contacted him.

 

And yes, he's probably distanced himself a bit from you over the last few years...he may have guessed you wouldn't want to hear he's gay.

 

As far as the porn, you are the last person a closeted homosexual father is going to discuss his porn use with, much less think to apologize for it. Or any father, for that matter, gay or straight.

[SeraBella]

I would definitely be upset if he was telling people he was estranged from his children,...maybe he's just extremely lonely and it was a way for him to get more attention and consideration from others.

 

or maybe he feels it's better to cut and run on them before THEY can cut and run on him? Especially if he knows they're unhappy with what's come to light and feels a sense of shame.

 

Perhaps. I was under the impression that he was saying they were estranged BEFORE the other things came to light.

[BeenThere69]

Thanks to all. Your replies were helpful.

[City_girl]

There's a weird thing that comes over people when they are looking at the possibility of their own death. Suddenly nothing matters but seizing that last gulp of life. I think this is what he has done. Imagine a whole life of responsibility and hiding your true self , what a huge sacrifice he made. He could have left his wife and children, he could have left his wife after you guys grew up and gotten a gay lover.. He may not even have come to terms with his sexual needs as society in his day preached such urges were a sin and an abomination.

 

No one should live a life of nothing.

[szegv]

Is there any chance that you and your siblings will accept that he is gay or bi-sexual? Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe he has distanced himself from you all because he did fear that you would not accept him or love him. I'm not certain as to why you believe he owes you an apology though?? Do you phone him and apologize for each mistake that you have made in your life?

 

Your father is probably a bit humiliated by this whole experience and does not want to re-hash the drama by explaining it or justifying it to each of his kids. I think this is more about you accepting that your dad is interested in the same sex and that he has collected gay porn. You are basically asking him to apologize for being himself. Do you have any porn in your home? If so, you may be slightly hypocrytical when looking down on your dad for having it in his home. But thats not really the point. The point is, that this is your dad, and you should love him even if you do not agree that he is interested in the same sex. I hope that this might help you gain a slightly different perspective. I know its difficult to learn that a family member is gay or bi-sexual. My brother is bi-sexual and no one in our family knew for years. Just try to be understanding and remeber that we all make judgement errors.

 

 

I recently joined LS for the purpose of replying to one poster, now I find myself needing support. I just found out that my elderly father (78 yrs) was arrested for propositioning a male plain clothes police officer in a public restroom a couple of weeks ago. My siblings and I found out about it by coming across a small article in the newspaper. I have also just recently found out that he's been collecting gay porn for years (at least since my mother's death 12 years ago). My brother confronted him and is helping him find representation for his court case. Of course, he claims it was entrapment, but the evidence strongly suggests otherwise.

 

My father is aware that my other siblings and I know about this and that we are devastated. Despite this, he hasn't contacted any of us to explain or apologize. Moreover, he never asks my brother about any of us, and doesn't seem to care if he ever talks to us again. As he's gotten older, my siblings and I have tried to help in every way we can. All of our efforts have been met with resistance. I guess now I know why. If you're leading a double life you probably don't want anyone to get too close. What's really sad is that even while we were visiting him weekly and trying to help him, he was telling his friends, doctors, etc. that he was estranged from his children. This info came out recently too.

 

My initial hope was that this whole incident could be explained by senility or dementia, but that just isn't the case. I'm coming to realize that he is just a mean-spirited, selfish person who never cared about anyone but himself.

 

I'm planning to start counselling soon, but in the meantime I could really use some advice on how to deal with this. I don't plan on speaking to my father until he contacts me to explain/apologize, and knowing him the way I do, I don't expect that will ever happen. How do I face other people? How do I deal with holidays, family events (I'm getting married next year)? Essentially, how do I mourn the loss of my father while he's still alive?