Quesion for the LADIES (who did the dumping)

[g1976b]

Hi all,

 

I think the women in the LS community will be best served to help with this, but guys if you've been on the receiving end of this I'd love to hear your thoughts as well.

 

My ex and I broke up nearly 2 months ago. Long story short, we had been together for 1 1/2 years and living together for a year. She is 24 and I am 31. She finally took off (rightfully so) as I just didn't get it before. I was controlling, jealous, and didn't make her feel very appreciated.

 

I'm embarrassed and disgusted with myself that it took her moving out and us breaking up for me to realize these things, but nonetheless, I can't change the past. I am, however, changing myself now and I'm actively working on my behavior and seeking help.

 

We had a chance to grab a few drinks earlier this week and talk some things through. She knows how I feel, what I'm doing and that I understand we can't be together right now. She and I both claim to love and miss each other very much. We both wanted, and expected this to end in marriage.

 

However, she is still very angry and hurt for how I treated her and the damage it did to her self esteem. She is now much happier and is spending a lot of time hanging out with friends and also going on dates. She has always qualified any talk of our breakup with "for now" and also talk of not knowing what things will be like in 6 months or a year.

 

As much as I don't like it, I respect where she's at and I'm going to completely back off and give her space.

 

Now for the question: for the women who did the dumping...did you ever WANT to reconcile? If so, what were you looking for from your ex? How long did you wait until you decided to try again?

 

I'm going to move on, and I can't 'wait' around for her...I know that. It's just very hard when we both feel the way we do, yet she just can't (or won't) allow herself to try again right now when she feels like she does.

 

I would LOVE to get some feedback on this issue from any of you who have been in a similar situation.

[Joebo]

Man, I don't remember starting this thread but I could have. Jeez, we're almost the same age too!

 

Hi gb,

 

I am/was in exactly the same situation as you. I never made her feel appreciated etc... I got exactly the same language. "Who knows, maybe in a 6 months or a year." "I just can't be in a relationship with you just now" This has almost killed me over a period of 7 months!

 

I would definitely not contact her unless she has asked you to. I think I blew it by not respecting her wishes. I wanted to but it was like I was possessed. I couldn't help getting in touch. Obsessing is no good! Let her come to you.

 

Also, the main reason I wouldn't contact her is that I have been in limbo and miserable throughout this period. Last week she called on Wed to say that she was going to Barcelona on her own from Thur-Mon. She has been back for a few days now and I was hoping that I might hear from her but no call has been forthcoming. Therefore, I think she must have met someone or just doesn't care enough to get in touch. Either way, it does not bode well for me. Even though she reminded me last week that I can trust her. No idea what that was all about.

 

It all gets so frustrating. Its like I can't be with you now but I might if you hang around. Really this is not fair but I felt that I owed it to her.

 

I feel for you mate. Just sit tight, she'll come and find you if/when she's ready. She will feel pressured if you contact her. Like you are forcing her hand. That will probably make her choose to reject you. Hang in there and try not to make the mistakes that I did. Easier said than done I'm sure. Not sure if this helps any but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm in the exact same boat. Although mine is about to capsize I feel. Best of luck.

 

Take it easy,

 

JB.

[norajane]

I was controlling, jealous, and didn't make her feel very appreciated.

Whatever it is you're doing to 'change', it's not going to happen overnight. And she's not likely to trust the change until much time has passed.

 

Consider that it took you a lifetime to become the controlling, jealous, unappreciative person you were in your relationship. Even with the best of intentions, it's very difficult to make real behavior modifications that stick and become your new behavior pattern and new pattern of thinking.

 

AND, it takes a very long time to get over the pain caused to your gf by such behavior. It does a lot of damage and just getting past the hurt to the point where you feel good and can open up again takes some time, if it's going to be real. She can try sweeping it under the rug or putting a band-aid on it, but for her to truly get past it will take time. Otherwise the resentment will be there under the surface.

 

So, I do recommend time away from each other. No constant contact. If, at some point you get together again in the future, it may be a case where you see each other with fresh eyes and open hearts.

 

But now, she needs to heal and date other people, you need to get your act together and date other people. The future will take care of itself.

[Joebo]

Just a quick note to say that I don't think I was controlling or jealous. Its just that I didn't make her feel appreciated and I should have. She loved me so much that I took it for granted. Its strange but I didn't mean to do this, it just seemed to happen, as though I slipped into it. Now it looks like its too late for me. I wont make the same mistake again thats for sure. A harsh lesson in life.

 

Still, unless you are a complete ogre (the general you not you gb) who is to say that you don't deserve another chance. Good luck gb.

[CaliGuy]

Not to dishearten you, but usually when women decide to leave a relationship the decision is final. The reason being is they take months and months of agonizing, discussing with friends and distancing themselves before they pull the trigger. They normally do not end up regretting it.

 

With men it's usually not a very well thought out decision and more often than not they end up regretting it.

 

So, with women the answer is probably not. With men, there's a good chance for a second chance.

[guessjeans]

I was the one that decided to leave our relationship of 26 yrs. And 4 yrs since we separated, we remained good friends throughout the 4 yrs. Circumstances beyond either of our control, didnt allow me to tell him how i felt, so I did what I felt was right, and felt when the time was right, I would see if he was interested in dating again. I never truly stopped loving him, I believe we just lost our way.

 

Well, in October he announces that he is now in a relationship with the office secretary that is almost 60! yep! he is a very youthful 51 yr old, and I am 47 yrs old.

 

And he is not interested in getting back together. Although the relationship he is in now is comfortable, and they began seeing each other in a relationship type mode as soon as she obtained a legal separation from her husband, (lovely huh), he sees the relationship as in his words 'its not like that between us'. He says you know when you love someone just because you are with them?...he says, but its not 'like that between us'.

 

So yep, time and distance allowed me to grow up, become a stronger, wiser, more independent person. He has a lot of insecurities based on low self confidence, which he hides behind with some narcissistic traits, so as long as he has his emotional and physical needs met, he will stay with her because its safer, more secure.

 

So we all have our issues pertaining to separation/divorce. I dont regret my decision, i would have never become the person I am today if I had stayed. But oddly enough, my journey lead me back to him. So it is now I that must let him go, and if its meant to be, his life will lead him back to 'us'.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I finally got sick of my boyfriend's treatment of me, and ended our relationship (for good) earlier this week. Something inside of me "snapped," I'd say, and I let go of my end of the rubber band. The negatives outweighed the positive, and I felt this "shift" inside me. I realized I demanded and deserved better. So yes, I am sure of my decision.

 

However, my ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce after falling for a married co-worker within two weeks and, as far as I know, he's never looked back. It's been 7 months and he moved in with her when her husband moved out. He doesn't appear to be regretting his decision either.

 

I guess I just figure, if it's over, it's over. It's best to plan that way, anyway...

[g1976b]

I would definitely not contact her unless she has asked you to. I think I blew it by not respecting her wishes. I wanted to but it was like I was possessed. I couldn't help getting in touch. Obsessing is no good! Let her come to you.

 

I feel for you mate. Just sit tight, she'll come and find you if/when she's ready. She will feel pressured if you contact her. Like you are forcing her hand. That will probably make her choose to reject you. Hang in there and try not to make the mistakes that I did. Easier said than done I'm sure. Not sure if this helps any but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm in the exact same boat. Although mine is about to capsize I feel. Best of luck.

 

 

Hey JB and others,

 

Thanks for your thoughts and advice. I'm going to disappear soon. Just tough to know when to actually shut it all off. She still needs to come down to get a few things so I know we'll see each other.

 

I do appreciate your experience with pushing too much, too often. I think I've been doing that recently and need to back off in order for her to breathe but also to respect what she wants and needs.

 

It's just such a hard line to walk. It's sounds cliche and maybe it's just me wanting to see something that's not there, but even now when we're together face to face, we both feel something. I think she gets mad at herself afterwards because she's fighting this internal battle between sticking with what she 'needs' to do for her right now, and her feelings for me.

 

I can't tell you how many times I've heard comments about being 'confused' and 'conflicted' and how she knows if we do this or that together she'd want to get back together. She just really needs to sort things out.

 

As for the future, again, I need to walk away. I just can't walk away and completely slam the door on us (which in many ways would be MUCH easier).

 

Thanks for the perspective!

[Trialbyfire]

Then walk away with the understanding that you need to do this for yourself but also tell her the door is open, if she chooses to try again.

[g1976b]

Whatever it is you're doing to 'change', it's not going to happen overnight. And she's not likely to trust the change until much time has passed.

 

Consider that it took you a lifetime to become the controlling, jealous, unappreciative person you were in your relationship. Even with the best of intentions, it's very difficult to make real behavior modifications that stick and become your new behavior pattern and new pattern of thinking.

 

Good points. I understand that too. Clearly some of those behaviors were there earlier, but really it's one or two things that happen a while ago that I just let snowball out of control. I'm continuing to get the help I need, but you're right, she just doesn't think I can 'change' that quickly.

 

 

Not to dishearten you, but usually when women decide to leave a relationship the decision is final. The reason being is they take months and months of agonizing, discussing with friends and distancing themselves before they pull the trigger. They normally do not end up regretting it.

 

With men it's usually not a very well thought out decision and more often than not they end up regretting it.

 

So, with women the answer is probably not. With men, there's a good chance for a second chance.

 

I'm coming to realize this is unfortunately very true. The only thing I DON'T understand is why women can't come out and be more firm if that's the case. I do believe that's the process she went through before the breakup, and I don't think she 'regrets' it.

 

What I don't understand is why she talks about still loving me, missing me, and qualifies nearly EVERYTHING with 'for now'. Maybe it's an age/maturity thing. Maybe she wants me on a string. Maybe she doesn't know.

 

Either way it doesn't matter. I need to move on. Not only for me, but for any potential "us" in the future.

[norajane]

The only thing I DON'T understand is why women can't come out and be more firm if that's the case. I do believe that's the process she went through before the breakup, and I don't think she 'regrets' it.

 

What I don't understand is why she talks about still loving me, missing me, and qualifies nearly EVERYTHING with 'for now'. Maybe it's an age/maturity thing. Maybe she wants me on a string. Maybe she doesn't know.

 

Because she can still be attracted to you and care for you, BUT she knows she can't actually be with you because you aren't good for her.

 

I have dumped guys I was still in love with and still felt a lot of chemistry with because I could not accept their behavior and knew that trying to be with them would only continue to make me unhappy.

 

Just because you are into someone does not mean things will work out well or that you will feel good in the relationship. Just because she loves you doesn't mean she enjoyed being on the other end of your controlling, jealous, unappreciative behavior and if that's the kind of guy you are, it doesn't matter that she loves you.

[g1976b]

Because she can still be attracted to you and care for you, BUT she knows she can't actually be with you because you aren't good for her.

 

I have dumped guys I was still in love with and still felt a lot of chemistry with because I could not accept their behavior and knew that trying to be with them would only continue to make me unhappy.

 

Just because you are into someone does not mean things will work out well or that you will feel good in the relationship. Just because she loves you doesn't mean she enjoyed being on the other end of your controlling, jealous, unappreciative behavior and if that's the kind of guy you are, it doesn't matter that she loves you.

 

Hi norajane,

 

I REALLY appreciate your point of view because I think you have been through EXACTLY what my ex is going through right now. Your comments are helping me make sense of this as she has been unable/unwilling to explain it in a way I can understand.

 

I also understand that you don't know the particulars about my relationship nor my personality. However, from your perspective, in a situation like this where you still had these thoughts/feelings/chemistry but yet had dealt with behavior that left you feeling hurt....would you ever consider looking back? Would you wonder if he really is sincere and has continued to take the steps in his life to "right the ship"?

 

I wonder if she/you/anyone in a similar situation would wonder if they could be happy with those changes or if they are willing to move on even if they think someone has changed.

 

Thanks again!

[xpaperxcutx]

Hi norajane,

 

I REALLY appreciate your point of view because I think you have been through EXACTLY what my ex is going through right now. Your comments are helping me make sense of this as she has been unable/unwilling to explain it in a way I can understand.

 

I also understand that you don't know the particulars about my relationship nor my personality. However, from your perspective, in a situation like this where you still had these thoughts/feelings/chemistry but yet had dealt with behavior that left you feeling hurt....would you ever consider looking back? Would you wonder if he really is sincere and has continued to take the steps in his life to "right the ship"?

 

I wonder if she/you/anyone in a similar situation would wonder if they could be happy with those changes or if they are willing to move on even if they think someone has changed.

 

Thanks again!

Truthfully, for me, I have a hard time looking back. Whenever the memories start creeping up on me, I try to push them away as far back as I can. It's not that I didn't have happy memories with my ex, but I don't want to relive any of them. I feel like I have so much animosity towards him ( and I was the one to do the dumping), but I feel like because he has wronged me so much, I couldn't even contemplate the thought of ever reliving those moments with him. Call me cold hearted, but that is the way I feel. And to even consider looking back at this point, is rather ridiculous for my part. I know he hasn't changed ( because he told me himself) but has tried. Although I want to believe in him so much that he'll be different, the reality of it is, it's hard for people to change, and it's not fair to the other person to wait for them forever.

[CaliGuy]

Because she can still be attracted to you and care for you, BUT she knows she can't actually be with you because you aren't good for her.

 

I have dumped guys I was still in love with and still felt a lot of chemistry with because I could not accept their behavior and knew that trying to be with them would only continue to make me unhappy.

 

Just because you are into someone does not mean things will work out well or that you will feel good in the relationship. Just because she loves you doesn't mean she enjoyed being on the other end of your controlling, jealous, unappreciative behavior and if that's the kind of guy you are, it doesn't matter that she loves you.

 

Excellent point, NJ and right on the mark.

[CaliGuy]

Hi norajane,

 

I REALLY appreciate your point of view because I think you have been through EXACTLY what my ex is going through right now. Your comments are helping me make sense of this as she has been unable/unwilling to explain it in a way I can understand.

 

I also understand that you don't know the particulars about my relationship nor my personality. However, from your perspective, in a situation like this where you still had these thoughts/feelings/chemistry but yet had dealt with behavior that left you feeling hurt....would you ever consider looking back? Would you wonder if he really is sincere and has continued to take the steps in his life to "right the ship"?

 

I wonder if she/you/anyone in a similar situation would wonder if they could be happy with those changes or if they are willing to move on even if they think someone has changed.

 

Thanks again!

 

It takes a long time to change. She would have to not see or hear from you for around 6 months or more to believe any changes were real and lasting.

 

There are many stories of people getting back together after 2-20 years. But that's honestly only after both parties matured immensely.

[norajane]

Truthfully, for me, I have a hard time looking back. Whenever the memories start creeping up on me, I try to push them away as far back as I can. It's not that I didn't have happy memories with my ex, but I don't want to relive any of them. I feel like I have so much animosity towards him ( and I was the one to do the dumping), but I feel like because he has wronged me so much, I couldn't even contemplate the thought of ever reliving those moments with him. Call me cold hearted, but that is the way I feel. And to even consider looking back at this point, is rather ridiculous for my part. I know he hasn't changed ( because he told me himself) but has tried. Although I want to believe in him so much that he'll be different, the reality of it is, it's hard for people to change, and it's not fair to the other person to wait for them forever.

 

That's very much how I feel about it as well. Yes, a part of me might hope that he could change and be the guy I want him to be, but I've learned over the years that it's not likely to happen and waiting around isn't an option.

 

It's best to fall in love with the person someone actually is, not the person you hope they can someday become.

[sumdude]

That's very much how I feel about it as well. Yes, a part of me might hope that he could change and be the guy I want him to be, but I've learned over the years that it's not likely to happen and waiting around isn't an option.

 

It's best to fall in love with the person someone actually is, not the person you hope they can someday become.

 

So true... but sometimes you fall in love woth who they are and then they go and change....

 

I think more often men fall in love with a woman and hope they never change, and they do. Women fall in love with men hoping they might change... and they don't.

[Trialbyfire]

That's very much how I feel about it as well. Yes, a part of me might hope that he could change and be the guy I want him to be, but I've learned over the years that it's not likely to happen and waiting around isn't an option.

 

It's best to fall in love with the person someone actually is, not the person you hope they can someday become.

If you're present during the change process, it can be very unsettling in its inconsistency. It's too easy to revert to old habits.

 

If you're not a patient person, I wouldn't recommend waiting around for the change. If anything, leaving causes a quicker change. On the flipside, if someone is trying to change for you and not to better self, for themselves, you can easily become the person they resent for forcing change, regardless if you asked or not.

 

OP, these are some of the concerns that come from remaining with someone who claims they've changed. Real change doesn't come easily. It's also reliant on age. The older people get, the more set in their ways they become.

[g1976b]

If you're present during the change process, it can be very unsettling in its inconsistency. It's too easy to revert to old habits.

 

If you're not a patient person, I wouldn't recommend waiting around for the change. If anything, leaving causes a quicker change. On the flipside, if someone is trying to change for you and not to better self, for themselves, you can easily become the person they resent for forcing change, regardless if you asked or not.

 

OP, these are some of the concerns that come from remaining with someone who claims they've changed. Real change doesn't come easily. It's also reliant on age. The older people get, the more set in their ways they become.

 

Thanks for the perspective, Trial. Truly, I understand what you're suggesting. My ex fears much of what you say...that I"m too set in my ways and that this is just who I am. I'm 31, but I can honestly say my "reality" has been shifted and shaken so much that I cannot and will not go through the rest of my life the way things were.

 

I hope she is open minded enough to consider that this is legitimate, and that I'm changing because it's the right thing to do...not 'for her'. But regardless, I'm determined to make SOMETHING good come from this.

 

It's the worst time of my life and I'm so embarrassed by my behavior that these changes in my life will be permanent.

 

I just hope my ex is one of the ones who, with time, are able to keep and open mind, forgive, and possibly look at trying again.

 

Thanks for all of your thoughts everyone. I really appreciate the advice and perspectives!

[Gunny376]

So true... but sometimes you fall in love woth who they are and then they go and change....

 

I think more often men fall in love with a woman and hope they never change, and they do. Women fall in love with men hoping they might change... and they don't.

 

You've hit the nail on the head with that one!

[Gunny376]

Thanks for the perspective, Trial. Truly, I understand what you're suggesting. My ex fears much of what you say...that I"m too set in my ways and that this is just who I am. I'm 31, but I can honestly say my "reality" has been shifted and shaken so much that I cannot and will not go through the rest of my life the way things were.

 

I hope she is open minded enough to consider that this is legitimate, and that I'm changing because it's the right thing to do...not 'for her'. But regardless, I'm determined to make SOMETHING good come from this.

 

It's the worst time of my life and I'm so embarrassed by my behavior that these changes in my life will be permanent.

 

I just hope my ex is one of the ones who, with time, are able to keep and open mind, forgive, and possibly look at trying again.

 

Thanks for all of your thoughts everyone. I really appreciate the advice and perspectives!

 

I was 33 when I went through it!

 

I'm 50 now!

 

I had enough self-sense not to go through it again!

 

Married once~ Divocrced once! Once was enough for me!

[Lovelybird]

If she see you really changed, you may get another chance. I guess her 'for now' comment meant she still cares about you, but cannot endure the hurt anymore unless she see some real change on your side