Could this be consider an emotional affair?

[browneyes1974]

An old friend have contacted me. We haven't seen one another for about 17+ yrs now. We were about 12 or 13 years at the time and we dated for a little while. Nothing serious being that we were only kids. Yes, we kissed but nothing sexual. Anyways, he found me on myspace and then he found my phone number through a relative and then he started calling me. I was shocked at first to hear from him but thought it was kind of nice to hear from an old friend.

 

He was calling for the first month and half almost everyday. We would talk about everything, basically just trying to do some catching up. He was married twice and now divorced, though just came out of a long term relationship a few yrs ago. He has two kids and I told him that I've been married to the same guy for 15+ yrs and I also have two kids as well.

 

We had many in depth conversations, about life, people, friends and families. He was more open about his life to me than I was to him. Anyways, it wasn't until two and a half months later that he decided he wanted to come visit me. You see, he lives in another state. Well, it was when he said he wanted to visit me that he revealed his deep feelings for me. He told me that he is very much in love with me and he thinks about me all the time. He wish that things were different so that he could at least show me how much I mean to him. However, I do not feel the same for him and have told him so. And when I questioned him about his motive on coming to visit, he said his intention was just to spend some quality time with me.

 

Well, I then proceed to ask him that if he did come visit me, would he ever consider making love to me and his answer was only if I want him to. He would not do anything to hurt me or against my will. I know it was very stupid of me to have asked such a question but I did. I guess I just wanted to know what his answer would be. Anyways, I decided that it wasn't a good idea for him to come visit so I told him not to come.

 

A little while after this last conversation, he got into a serious car accident and we hardly ever talk as much. He was recooperating and trying to get well so the phone calls slowly faded. But he was still calling me every other week or so just to say hi and check up on me. Someone told me that what I was doing with this guy is consider and emotional affair. I just want your thoughts on this theory. Do you all consider this to be an emotional affair and why?

 

Just to let you all know, I have told this friend to not contact me anymore because it was causing problems within my marriage. My H and I were fighting alot over this issue. So, I guess I really just need to know from an outsider based on what I've told you if this was an emotional affair? I thought emotional affair is only when two people feel the same about one another.

[Arch]

LOL, you talked to a guy every day for a extended period of time and you have the idea its not cheating?

 

Come on, it was totally emotionally cheating.

[angelj]

I don't think it was.

 

You clearly realized in your mind that you weren't interested...not on that level.

 

Yes, he was and he was ready and willing to pursue you, but you stated that you didn't have any intentions of that. And you told him not to come and visit for those reasons.

 

I think that emotional affairs only occur when you get wrapped up on the idea of the person...and a fantasy life...and well, whatever.

 

Basically, I think you're ok. You just spoke to him like a friend.

[Trimmer]

My answer to these questions is usually: it doesn't matter exactly what it's called, or whether it meets some threshold to be given a particular label. What matters is what happened.

 

You had contact with someone outside your marriage that got too deep. Why do I think that? Among other things, you asked him if he would make love to you. That's a topic that would be outside the boundaries in my relationship. (Not saying you were planning to do it, but just to have that conversation is over the line.)

 

Now, having said that, you eventually realized that you were too near the edge, and you stepped back and put some separation between yourself and the situation. Good step. One question to continue to ask yourself: have you put enough distance there? And that may factor into the next issue: your husband's feelings on the subject.

 

What it really comes down to is what the two of you can mutually agree are acceptable behaviors and boundaries within your marriage. Your husband is not comfortable with your idea of the boundary - I hope you have given him a fair hearing, and considered his points. Considering them in the context of "how would I feel if this happened..." may help you to empathize with his points. Have you put yourself in his position, turned the whole thing around in a mirror, and say "how would I feel" if an old friend of his contacted him, fell in love with him, wanted to visit him, and all the while he had willingly maintained contact. Be very honest with yourself, and consider what boundary would be acceptable to you in the opposite scenario?

 

So who cares what name it's called? The issue is that there's some damage to be fixed here, but not as much as there could have been. If you want to commit to your marriage, be open, be honest, and don't be surprised if, given what has already occurred, your husband will be uncomfortable with any further contact between you and your old friend. I would probably feel the same, and I think if you can take a step back and really search your own feelings honestly, you might understand that as well.

[browneyes1974]

Thanks Trimmer, angelJ, and arch for your response. It is greatly appreciated and yes taken very much into consideration. I was really upfront with my husband right from the start. I told him when this guy first got a hold of me and I never withheld anything, even intimate topics that we may have discussed.

 

I told my husband everything even the part when I asked if this guy would ever consider making love to me if he came to visit. That is why my H is pissed off. But I have put a stop to all of this nonsense and told the guy not to contact me anymore. I know it was wrong even if it was just talking on the phone. I'm glad that it didn't escalate to anything. Yes, my H and I have had many talks about this and I realize it's not worth all the fights and arguments to keep this guy in my life.

 

I have to admit, which I told my H as well, that at the beginning I did find myself thinking of this guy quite often too. I was wondering what he was doing and if he was okay. As we engaged in deep conversations, I did find myself starting to enjoy his company, even if it was just over the phone. But I never felt for him the way he did for me, I was not in love with him. I guess that's why I couldn't understand how he could be in love with me, when all we did was talked on the phone.

 

Once again, thanks for responding....

[Bryanp]

I am just curious but how would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband told you he asked a woman if she were to visit would she consider making love to him? How incredibly disrespectful and hurtful this was to your husband. How can you not understand this?

[NuTuDating]

It was cheating whether you ended up being interested or not. I think you know it was cheating. If you couldn't have had the daily conversations with this guy with your husband sitting there listening, too, it's cheating. That's an easy test. Could you involve your husband in these calls and he be ok with it? Would you have asked your husband's permission to "make love" to this guy? Probably not. He has a very big right to be upset, and he SHOULD be upset with you.

[browneyes1974]

Yes BryanP and nutudating...I feel really bad for asking another man such a stupid question and I realized that it was disrespectful and hurtful to my H. I really just want to put all this behind me and move on with my marriage. And yes I would be very hurt if my H had asked another woman if she would make love to him. I didn't have to tell my H everything but I did even about that. Because I do feel he has the right to know. Thank you for your responses. It is greatly appreciated.