Anyone Been Successful Going from Lovers to Friends? How?

[surfcitysiren]

I just got out of a LD Online Emotional Affair that got way out of hand on both sides. Although I have truly let the desire to be anything at all more than just a platonic friend with this person, should they choose to come back around in the future, I can forsee the possible pitfalls. Luckily for me, because there was never any physical contact and we are in seperate countries, it's a bit of a buffer and would no doubt help in the overall situation. He may never come back around and want to be friends, which I'm totally fine with. But in case he does in the future, it'd be good to have a game plan or tips on how to make sure it remains purely platonic so nobody gets hurt. Anyone who has had positive experience in this area and can share how they did it successfully?

 

There are some sort of obvious things to me that would help to ensure it remained platonic:

 

1) Avoid discussing or dwelling on the past 'romantic' or sexual feelings there may have been

 

2) Don't use sexual innuendo to joke around or discuss anything, even 'innocently' (it's not really innocent, I found out).

 

3) Encourage the other person to talk openly and freely about whatever relationship they are in. Just LISTEN and be a friend. Don't get caught in the trap of trying to help or rescue. Don't offer advice unless it's asked for and if you do, make sure your advice does not have a hidden agenda. (and I would also say if you can't talk about anything and everything, including a new love interest without getting jealous, be honest with yourself and don't even 'go there' with that person....even a little bit).

 

4) Keep conversations fairly short. Not long drawn out marathons.

 

5) Avoid being alone with that person, unless you are in a public place. No physical contact beyond what you would show a brother or sister

 

6) Make your expectations and desires to keep the relationship a FRIENDSHIP only clearly understood. State your reasons and boundaries and then stick to them.

 

Any more ideas????

 

Even though I may never need to use this advice, I'm sure someone can gain something from this thread, especially experience (even through trial and error) of how someone else was successful in having a friendship with someone after being romantically involved (either emotionally or physically) with someone else.

 

Thanks!

Edited March 7, 2008 by surfcitysiren

[blind_otter]

I'm only friends with one of my ex's...to be honest, it just took time. When we broke up I kicked him out of my house (we had been living together) and there were bad feelings (moreso on his side than mine, I think). After a while (I'd say 6+ months) we got back in touch and things were a little touchy. We didn't talk often or anything, we definitely weren't close. He got married and had a baby, and as his life stabilized we became better friends. He comes over to fix my computer when things go wrong (of course the last time he did this my computer crash...go figure ).

 

I think ultimately, it was time, and each of us moving on to subsequent relationships that were successful. He got married and had a baby, I became involved with my SO a little over 2 1/2 years ago and we are expecting a baby in July. Now all we do is talk about pregnancy and baby stuff.

 

The key is that each of us moved on...no one person was clinging to what once was, so we were able to re-establish our interaction without any baggage from the past.

 

In fact, we don't even mention that we dated anymore.

[surfcitysiren]

 

The key is that each of us moved on...no one person was clinging to what once was, so we were able to re-establish our interaction without any baggage from the past.

 

In fact, we don't even mention that we dated anymore.

 

 

You bring up an excellent point I forgot to include on my list. I think it would be very necessary to not dwell on 'what might have been'. If I find myself in a situation to be friends with him again, I would try very hard to no go there and be happy with what IS and not focus on what can't be. Recipe for unhappiness, no matter what the situation. Always good to be grateful for what you do have.....

[surfcitysiren]

He broke NC yesterday and wants to talk. I have no idea about what.....I'd like to think we can be JUST FRIENDS. I realize he has to feel the same way (if he doesn't, I can't go there). but assuming he does want to be friends......COMMENTS?