Marriage Problems

[Newbie]

I’ve been reading posts here for a while and it seems like most of you are under 30, but hopefully some of you will understand and maybe able to offer some advice for my problem.

 

I've been married for 17 years. My husband and I have had problems from the start, but I was raised that no matter what, we made a vow to each other and should stick by each other thru thick and thin. also, that the wife is usually the one to make the hardest sacrifices because its in our nature to do so.

 

I am in my late 40's & husband is early 50's.

 

When we were first together (dated for 2 years before marriage) we had fun and we had a lot of passion. By the end of our second year of dating - shortly before marriage, our sex life began a decline. I figured that was just par for the course because we were so familiar with each other. We still loved each other.

 

By our 5th anniversary I was frustrated from constant rejection and him telling me it was his problem and not mine. We did get some therapy and he has/had a lot of emotional problems, so I figured I would tough it out. After our marriage we had sex maybe 6 or 7 times a year for a couple of years, then it decreased to maybe once or twice a year, to maybe a year and a half, then to nothing. About seven years ago he tried to have sex with me on Christmas Eve - as a Christmas present, but it was miserable. It had been so long for me that I wasn't comfortable and neither was he.

 

A little more history. Because he had a knee injury he wasn't able to be as active as he used to be and we gradually were able to do less and less and spent more time going to movies or sitting and watching TV. We both gained weight. Also, the frustrations and rejection led both of us to drown our sorrows in food and it soon became that all we could do together is eat.

 

Even so, fat people can have very satisfying sex lives because there are all sorts of ways to make love. I know this because my best friend was always very heavy (over 400 lbs) and so is her husband and they were always affectionate in public and she told me about her sex life. We talked specifics and positions and stuff because she was trying to help me find a way to have a physical relationship with my husband. I won't go into more details.

 

After quite a few years of therapy we have become close emotionally and I always felt he loved me deeply, as I do him.

 

We've tried diet and exercise (under doctors care and fad diets) and we dieted our selves to being very large people and very out of shape. Even so, we have built what I thought was a strong marriage and we laugh together and enjoy each other’s company.

 

 

Now I find myself resentful and bitter. I try not to be, but I'm middle aged and realizing what I have given up. I wanted a family, but can't have kids without sex. I wanted an active life, but I'm so out of shape now, and I have some health problems that are more related to lack of exercise then fat (I know enough active, healthy, fat people to know it's not JUST that), and I just don't seem to care anymore.

 

My husband works sporadically, but not enough to support us and I don't make a lot of money. I've become resentful that the burden of support is on my shoulders. My husband is supportive of me and he does a little, but he could do more.

 

Lately we've had some financial problems because I had to take a lower-paying job due to my own health problems. In spite of this, my husband keeps spending money like we have an endless supply. We've talked about this many times. But he insists that the money he is spending is so that he can start a home-based business to support us. He recently bought a very expensive custom-built home editing/computer system after he promised me that he wouldn't until I was able to find a higher-paying job. Then he promised that he wouldn't spend any more money on this stuff, but I walked into his den and found more "stuff" that he bought and he said "it was only $15" or "it's only $5" and I can't seem to make him understand that all the "only $5" items add up.

 

I know that his intentions are good, but he's never been a success and I don't have any confidence in him every making anything of himself. I also don't trust him anymore.

 

I have finally faced the fact that I can't keep enabling him (I know that's what I've been doing under the mistaken title of "encouraging him") but I also don't want our marriage to end.

 

He does give me all the emotional support I need in my day-to-day life and my job life, and I need that. I don't have anyone else anymore. My closes friend died a few years ago and I have no family or other friends.

 

It takes what I make and the little bit that he contributes to keep our home and I don't want to lose that. I couldn't make the house payment and pay all the other bills without his bit of income, and he certainly could not do it without mine. We don't have a lot of bills - in fact, we only have one thing financed, and that will be paid off in 7 months.

 

I am seriously looking for a job with good disability insurance because I won't be able to work for much longer -- maybe 2 or 3 years, and I need to be able to have more than social security disability would pay. We lost what assets we had after 9/11 when the stocks went into the toilet. I don't have a retirement fund anymore.

 

I know some people might say to dump him and focus on me and if that means moving, then do it and find my own place. But I don't want to be alone and, lets face it, a fat, middle-aged woman in mediocre health, with virtually no social-skills anymore is not likely to find someone new. Besides, I don't want to find someone new. I don't have any physical needs anymore and the thought of sex with anyone - even my husband now - is repellent to me. I can't just change my life-style by snapping my fingers, and unlike the way Hollywood portrays people like me, I'm not going to go to a shrink and one day suddenly sit up and say "OH! I see now, (with tears in my eyes) I know what to do and I'll be fine now" and go merrily on my way to change my life and find a happily-ever-after ending. Life just isn't like that.

 

I don't know what to do, except go to this job everyday (I don't have any insurance here and the job is going nowhere - haven't had a raise in three years and don't expect one anytime soon - in fact, I've had to endure temporary lay-offs in which I had to collect unemployment sometimes) and keep looking for another job. It's hard to compete with all these young college graduates. I didn't go to college and I looked into going recently, but I can't pass the tests required in this state and I don't have the money, or the energy and endurance, to go to the remedial classes required just to pass the test to get into college. I did take a couple of college classes a few years ago and, while I did okay in those classes - they were job-related and not standard curriculum - I had a minor stroke from the exertion. I can't work full-time and go to class in the evenings; it's just too hard on me.

 

Lately I feel like the only thing he really cares about is that I bring home money for him. I know that it's not completely true, but it's how I feel and now I can barely get the strength to talk to him every day. We've been living in the same house, but seldom in the same room at the same time.

 

I thought about trying to get out and make friends, and I did that a couple of times. I thought I'd like scrapbook king so I went to the local hobby store and signed up for the classes. I met a bunch of women who had families and enough money to afford the supplies. I didn't have enough in common with any of them to sustain more than casual conversations and I wasn't made to feel welcome. I tried volunteering at the animal shelter (I love animals) but I wasn't able to do the physical work and I spent so much time crying at home because of what I saw, that I got sick and had to stop. Again, I didn't have enough in common with anyone. It seems like everyone around my own age has children and grandchildren to talk about, and what their husbands do and the trips they take or the things they do for their kids, etc. I don't have any common frame of reference with any of them. Even at my job I don't have anything in common with anyone. We talk about work mostly, maybe about books or movies, but everyone else have families and social activities. I was invited once to a "Jam" party at one woman's house where several women from work got together to make jams and jellies. That doesn't interest me, but I tried, and everyone ended up talking about families and travel and things and they all had a history together so they would talk about people and things I didn't know. I felt so left out.

 

I love my house, but I can't keep it as clean as I would like to all the time, plus I have dogs who bark constantly when anyone comes over, and one has to be kept locked up because she bites, so even when I get the place clean, it's hard to have anyone come over. We've had some of his friends come over sometimes and we play board game, but we live so far from his friends that we see them maybe once every year or so. It's almost impossible to invite someone in for a cup of coffee and even though we know our neighbors, we don't socialize with them. A family on both sides and their time is all taken up with their kids anyway.

 

I have found the Internet now and maybe I can talk with some people here - I've never said this much to anyone. But I still feel scared and lonely. I've been to doctors about depression and they tried me on a couple of different anti-depressants over the years, but it doesn't really help, because I don't suffer from clinical depression. I do get depressed sometimes, just like everyone, but that's different.

 

It's easy to say "lose weight" because I know that would help me - at least it would help to find a job because I've been blatantly and subtly discriminated against because of my size (more so by women than by men too) but if losing weight were easy then millions of people would have done it.

 

Right now my biggest problem is that I need to earn more money and get a job with benefits, and be able to trust my husband again and have confidence in him and, while I may be able to trust him someday, I doubt seriously if I'll ever have any confidence in him. I don't want to throw him out, or move, because I do depend on him to do some of the things that I am unable to do - so I do need him. And I love him, or this wouldn't hurt so badly.

 

I know my problems are nothing compared with many of yours - many who have had spouses cheat on them, or abuse them. But it still hurts all the same and it's still a betrayal of sorts.

 

I grew up seldom smiling because I have very ugly teeth. As a child we never had money for dentists and even now I don't have insurance. I've been to dentists when I needed to and I have some fillings and a crown, but my teeth are a natural grayish-brown color anyway (even after a cleaning) and now they are downright brown. One dentist said I would be a good candidate for bleaching, but I can't afford that. So I never really learned to smile. I do it without opening my mouth and that doesn't give a good impression either. Even back in high school no one every thought I was a particularly pleasant person because I never smiled or laughed. I didn't smile a lot when I met my husband and he thought it was sweet than I lowered my head and covered my mouth when I laughed or smiled. He didn't see my teeth until our 4th date, and that was in the dark! We'd been marred for almost five years before he ever saw my legs! I was heavy when we met, so was he, and we ballooned together.

 

Like I said, I'm in my 40's - middle aged, but I feel like I'm in my 80's and have nothing to look forward to anymore. I've made some bad decisions in my past (haven't we all?) and there is nothing I can do to change them, but I don't know what to do now. It seems like everything costs money - money that I don't have. We live on fatty foods now because they are cheaper than salads and healthier foods, although we don't fry foods or eat particularly fatty foods - but even boiled potatoes and pasta all the time makes or keeps a person fat.

 

I need to see a cardiologist now -- I went to one a couple of years ago who told me that I will need a stint - maybe bypass surgery in a few years. It took me three years to pay off that visit, I can't afford the cost of the surgery or the time off working (I don't get paid if I don't work) for that, although I feel confident that if I had the procedure I would have more energy and feel better and maybe be able to get into better shape and lose weight. But it all costs money! And if we lose the house, what will I have to go home to after the surgery? I feel like I'm just biding my time until I have a stroke or heart attack, and I actually don't mind because then I won't have to think about what to do - everything will be out of my hands.

 

Charity hospitals will take me, but I'm still expected to pay back what I can and in the meantime, by husband and my dogs are out on the street. And now, I have doubts about my husband even being there for me through it all - although I know he loves me, I'm afraid.

 

Well, for those of you who actually read thru this tome, thanks for letting me tell someone about my problems. I guess I'm just feeling really sorry for myself right now. I haven’t felt this low in a very long time.

[PurpleAngel]

[color=violet][font=arial]There are so many things I could say.. but I am only going to suggest a few things and hope that it will give you some motivation.

 

I suggest that you look at yourself in the mirror everyday and tell yourself you are wonderful and love yourself… Yes this sounds VERY STUPID, but you don’t sound like a woman who loves herself very much. You have lets things let so out of control! Yes I know that its been hard with your husband but the moment you started living for him and relying on his happiness to be happy you screwed up! STOP IT NOW!

 

Until you create some love and happiness in your life (from yourself) you will always be sick. This type of behavior always manifests into disease! DO you understand? I would suggest you go and by a book called “You can HEAL YOUR LIFE” by Louise L Hay. She has written many amazing books. Start with this one thought. Believe in you, get some girl power going on. Trust me as you start to change your life, your husband will be motivated to change his also.

 

In regards to your weight. It is VERY important that YOU change your lifestyle.. Get healthy, eat heaps of fruit and veggies… cut down on the sweets and fat in your diet and second of all, get your exercise gear on and go for a walk… sweet your ass off… walk for an hour at least 3-7 times a week, if that’s too hard work up to it, set yourself a goal, going a gym, don’t sit in front of the TV all night. As soon as you start loving yourself you will start to change your life… every time you are going to eat or do something you shouldn’t, you should ask yourself, is this what I would do If I loved myself? Is this piece of cake going to honour or help me reach my happiness in any way?

Imagine yourself as you were when you where little, if she (you as a 7 year old) was there in front of you right now, would you give her that extra piece of bread or would you tell her you loved her and send her outside to play and run around and enjoy life???

 

Good Luck!

Love and Light

~PurpleAngel~

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[Newbie]

Thank you. I will look for that book tomorrow.

 

I don't eat a lot of fat or sweets (one of the few people in the world who doesn't like chocolate!) but I know I need to get more exercise. I can't walk far or stand much, but I will do more sitting down exercises - I can do them while I'm sitting and watching TV and at least get my metabolism up a little. I have also decided to increase my water intake - that's supposed to help too.

 

I have always been a heavy kid - wore plus sizes when entered kindergarten!

 

Thank you for your encouragement.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You have tied your self-worth up with so many external things. It's like you feel you won't be truly happy or satisfied until you're: having great sex with your husband, having a great job, having a good weight, having a good job, having stellar teeth, and having friends. So many times, our society tells us that we are not successful, unless we have things; most of them external things like a house, a car, a gorgeous career, drop dead gorgeous looks, and all of these people bowing down at our feet calling us friends. So we focus more on what a person has, than what they are inside. And when we don't have these things you feel like a failure. The more you thought about what you didn't have, the more you felt like a failure, until the point where you now feel like a total failure. And that may be one reason why your dieting hadn't work. You may have felt subconsciously that it didn't make sense to diet and lose weight when that wouldn't solve all of your problems. You may have felt that it wouldn't solve the problem of not having friends, of not having sex, or not having a good job. And so now you think of a bunch of excuses not to do it, and you're already defeated. I bet if you had all of things you wanted, you still wouldn't be happy, because you'll be too worried about a bomb hitting you, waiting for the next bad thing to come along. There are two things that you'll need to do if you want your situation to change.

1. You have to change the way you think. You can not have a feeling without having a thought first. So if you feel depressed, it's because you've been thinking about depressing things. You may have felt that you've wasted time in your life, but 40 something is not old at all. You still have time to make changes, create wonderful experiences, and look at this period as the best time in your life. Happy moments are still to be had. Whether or not they will be are up to you. You have to admit that life is not fair, and that some things are out of control, some bad things are going to happen to you, but you have to learn to think in a positive way, and believe you have the ability to handle bad times gracefully so that when they do come, your whole world will not crumple. Since you're online, I would suggest you look up some publications on positive thinking. Positive thinking helps you build endurance, preseverance, resilience, and efficacy. And these are things you are lacking.

2. You have to be patiently work to meet your goals. Like you said, you can't go to a therapist, they tell you what's wrong with you and all of a sudden you've changed for the better. The reason why this doesn't work is because when you've gotten into a habit of thinking a certain way, it takes a considerable amount of time to break those unhealthy habits. You have to work at things like your dieting and not look for quick results. Sometimes it takes people years at a time to lose weight, and it may take you that long, but if you really want it, you'll put in all the blood, sweat, and tears to get it done. But nothing you want is going to come easy. You're going to have to work at it hard and you may have set backs, and it may take years before you realize your goal, but you don't give up.

 

Since you're online looking for information, as far as school or a job goes, there are resources you can look into such as government funding, programs or agencies that will be able to help you.

[Newbie]

Gee, ThisGirlNamedKD. It seems you know all about me and exactly what is wrong with me. It took many sessions with a trained counselor to help me, and they were never as definite as you appear to be or as certain.

 

First, my self-worth is not tied up with external things, but rather I've been feeling bitter and resentful of my husband and because of the choices I made and the reasons I made them. It's not an average marriage - most couples, unless unable to physically, have some kind of sexual relationship. The rejection has made me feel like crap, but my decision to accept this has made me feel resentful. How old are you by the way? Do you know first hand what it's like to be middle-aged, in poor health and facing disibility and death?

 

Personally, I don't care what society tells us about material things. I have a beautiful home. Its the only home I've ever owned. It is small compared to most of my peers at work, and it's not an expensive home by area standards, but it's mine and I love it. I'm proud that I have been able to buy and keep it. My car is adequate and I'm not much on car looks anyway - it's just a way to get from here to there.

 

I don't feel like a failure at all. I certainly don't measure success or failure by material things. I'm not sure where you got that - maybe my original post was not clear.

 

As for being depressed, well everyone gets down about things sometimes. That is a natural reaction and certainly not one I need to work on to change - like it's an ever-lasting problem.

 

Positive thinking helps you build endurance, preseverance, resilience, and efficacy. And these are things you are lacking.

I don't think you are qualified to tell me what I am lacking. This statement just tickles me.

 

I bet if you had all of things you wanted, you still wouldn't be happy, because you'll be too worried about a bomb hitting you, waiting for the next bad thing to come along.

You would lose your bet. I'm not a paranoid person, nor a habitual worry-wart. What I want is to find some help with my current problems - and those are 50% financial and 50% communication and respect problems with my husband. I'm already looking for a better paying job and have been looking for a while. I had hoped that maybe I would get some encouragement or suggestions for help with my feelings toward my husband. I did get a referral for a book that I will look into, because I know that my feelings are just that, MINE.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

As far as my age is concern, I'm less than half your age, I'm surrounded by ones that are older than me, and yes I do listen to their answers and their advice. Now you may be saying that I can't compare their problems or their situations with yours. Neither can you compare your friend's situation with yours. She may be able to have a good sex life at the weight that she is, but your husband may not. And from what you brought out in your post, it seems like your husband has a deeper problem than lack of sex. Lack of sex is just a symptom of a deeper problem he's having. You said he's starting to spend money without you knowing. This is a classical symptom of a deeper problem your husband is having. Unfortunately, no one at this website can give you an accurate evaluation of what that is, because in order to do that, we would have to speak with your husband. We are giving you advice as to how we see what the situation is. But that won't be a very accurate assessment. And as unfortunate as it is, the problem with lack of sex is not going to change unless he seeks help. Because it is not your problem. You wouldn't mind having sex. Right now he doesn't do it. The only thing I can tell you is to sit down with him and let him know how the lack of respect and lack of communication and lack of sex makes you feel. Ask him if he's having any problems, and listen to him. Let him know how it's hurting the marriage, and ask him if he would like to go to counseling. If he's willing to go, then that's half the battle. See alot of people come here seeking advice on how to make other people change. But the truth is we can't change people if they don't want to change themselves. Hopefully letting him know indepth how he's making you feel and how it's hurting the marriage will make him seek advice. And don't knock counseling because you feel the counselors weren't the best. Counseling is only as good as the counselor, and it only works if you apply the counsel. If you feel the counselors weren't good, get only, seek a very reputable counselor in your area, and take it from there. There's nothing wrong with asking counselors about their success rate to see how good they are.

 

As far as your financial situation goes, as I brought out in the earlier posting, now that you're online, look up resources in your area that may help you. Government help, agencies, the Department of Labor, assistance with returning to school if that's what you want to do.