My boyfriend's Ex-girlfriend

[NannyKel77]

Plain and simple, I don't like it that they are still in contact. He broke up with her a year and a half ago. Last spring he cut ties with her for good and all last summer he didn't contact her-didn't even respond to her text messages she sent. Out of the blue one day last summer she text'd him and asked how he's doing and how I'M doing...which we realized she probably found out through our myspace pages. Other than that, he never told her about me. He and I had been friends for a year (while they were together) before he and I started dating. They had broken up and gotten back together numerous times during their relationship.

She has two sons, who he has gotten close to. He's the only "father" figure they've really known. All the other men in their lives have walked out on them. He feels responsible to keep that emotional bond with them. However, they are NOT his kids at all. He has no obligation to them legally. But yet he continues be involved. When he broke off ties with her completely last year, he broke off ties with her sons as well.

All last summer, there was no communication with her like I said. Until this last Thanksgiving time, she textd him and told him her son was in the hospital-he has CP. So whenever that happens there's always a great risk he could die.

SO my boyfriend decided he would go and see him/her in the hospital. He didn't TELL me about it until AFTER the fact. (a week later) I said to him "Oh so you're talking to her now?"

"Yes we are talking again"

"Why?"

"Because of the boys, that's all"

"Does she know that?" I ask.

"Yes I've told her," he says.

HOWEVER, I don't believe a word of what she is telling him. AND I don't think he is putting his foot down and say "Hey, I'm not with you anymore, I'm with her. I'm only here for the boys and that's it."

The reason why I'm so skeptical is because I went to her myspace page and read one of her blogs, it was posted the day after her son was in the hospital around Thanksgiving time. The blog read "What do you do when you realize you still have feelings for someone that at once you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with?"

I'm looking at this, and going "OH MY GOD! What is her problem?!!" Why can't she get past him? I know she's probably depressed because her son has medical problems, but for God's sakes she needs someone other than him to count on for support.

So several months go by after this, and I know he's in contact with her, and on New Years Day (after spending the night with me) he says he's going to the hospital to see her son. I basically told him "Don't give her false hopes, it's not fair to her, or to her boys". And he sighs and says, "I know..." but that's all he says, and he gives me a hug and says goodbye. I feel like he's not being completely honest with me.

I'm tired of hearing about how he was over at their house or spending time with her "sons" AFTER the fact. This really bothers me.

At the beginning of our relationship I felt that he really wanted to be with me, so he cut off ties with her completely because he knew that I didn't feel comfortable with her. I didn't like how she treated him and how she used her sons to lure him back.

He and I both agreed that she has used her sons to lure him back, he admitted to me that she does that. OK, then why the hell is he falling for it again?

I don't know how to tell him this is bothering me, because she's depressed, her son is really sick, and so on. I feel bad that her life is hard and I feel bad for her son being sick. I really do, but I just don't like that she is USING that to get to him.

He has told me that he has talked to her about the fact that he is with me and loves me, and that he has no intention of going back to her, but yet she still hangs on to false hopes. I know he won't go back to her...I'm pretty positive of that, BUT I don't like that she's in his life again. Honestly I HATE it. I thought for sure he was rid of her in the beginning of our relationship, and that was such a relief, now I feel like that breathe of fresh air, just got contaminated. What do I do?

[City_girl]

You have got to switch off your emotions and cut this woman out by the root!! She's stealing him from under your nose and he's buying into it. It's now or never, tell him to cut her out!, show him the my space and then it's out of your hands but fight for him if he's worth it

[xpaperxcutx]

I suppose you have to draw the line somewhere. Make it extremely clear that you would prefer that he not see her anymore, or the kids unless absolutely necessary (ie. in the hospital). But I urge you not to force the issue and make it an ultimatum because then you'd backed him into a corner to choose between you or her, and when placed into such a situation, there's no telling what the guy would do. If m anything, tell him you understand the position he's in, and you're supportive of him all the way. Show him that you care enough not to be overly jealous of the ex. I'm sure he will come to appreciate and cherish you for your understanding rather than to be taken aback by your jealousy over his ex.

[sally4sara]

Buy a couple activity books and some crayons. Go to the hospital with him. Give them to the kids. The ex will hate it. Do it again. And again. Your boyfriend is just trying to make a sick kid happy and you will no longer be coming off like you have no compassion for this kid. The ex will probably squirm and hate every moment. I wouldn't be surprised if she stops asking him to visit.

[chica_de_londres]

I can understand how stressful this whole situation must be. Can I ask you, how long did your boyfriend's relationship last with his ex? How old are the children? Would you ever be prepared to accept her sons as part of his life?

 

Good luck with everything.

[bex2008]

I totally understand how you feel, Im going through the same thing with my bf. He tells me nothing is going on with his ex after I questioned him about why he dresses up only to go round to see his kids,and I have just found pics of her on his email address!!! I agree with the answers you have already got, so there is nothing more I can add.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I think your biggest mistake, for starters, is blaming this whole thing on the ex-girlfriend. While she's certainly a willing participant, your boyfriend also has culpability, too.

 

He's lied to you numerous times about being with the ex and her kids. All his lying and the constant deceit are doing is slowly eroding the trust you'd built in him and now it's done enough damage to where you're questioning everything he says and does. That's human nature - he's abused your trust for him to the point where you're no longer secure in the relationship.

 

It also sounds as though he's really NOT setting her straight about having no future with him. I don't think he's being completely honest with you - heck, you already KNOW he hasn't been completely honest with his lying about being with he ex and her kids.

 

I'm looking at this, and going "OH MY GOD! What is her problem?!!" Why can't she get past him? I know she's probably depressed because her son has medical problems, but for God's sakes she needs someone other than him to count on for support.

You may think so, but since your boyfriend has made himself very readily available to this woman, why should she look elsewhere for another support source?

 

Bottom line - QUIT blaming her for this. Your boyfriend has created this mess, not her.

[NannyKel77]

He was with her for like 3 years on and off. The kids are 12 and 16 (the oldest one is sick). We just got the news the other day that the docs are now saying he doesn't have much time to live. He won't make it before summer starts. I told my boyfriend, tell the mom she has my regards, and that I DO care, I don't want her to think I'm a bitch that doesn't care. He said, "I'll tell her, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it." Now what happens when the kid dies and he'll really feel like he's gotta be with her and the younger boy MORE? I don't mind that the kid(s) are a part of his life, but I DO mind her NOT getting over him.

[NannyKel77]

...and now with the boy dying soon, I don't think this will be a good time to argue about things. However I do like the advice Sally4Sara gave. Perhaps when the kid is near death, and my boyfriend will need my support, I will go to the hospital with him. Now is not a time for war with the mom.

[D-Lish]

You said a couple things that really stood out.

 

Firstly, that you don't believe he would ever go back to her. I think it's important to trust in that.

 

I am sure your bf finds himself in quite the predicament at the moment. It's likely he feels a bond with the children and has a hard time severing that- especially during a horrible time like this. I think whether you like it or not- he will be a part of this child's illness until the end, and that will inevitably mean he will have to see her. I do however believe from what you have said that he has no intentions of allowing her to suck him back into a relationship- even if she has those intentions.

 

I applaud how you have handled this. I guess when I read your dilemma, I see how complicated it is. His conscience could never allow him to walk away from a child he cares for in distress, yet the mother is a source of stress on your relationship. And as you have mentioned- making a big deal out of it could make you seem cold... even though you have a right to feel upset. That's a pretty big dilemma, and you are being really understanding about the whole thing.

 

I just want you to know I validate your feelings. I'd be super confused and annoyed in your situation- I don't know if I could hide that from my partner. It's the poor child dying that is what I am sure he is focusing on- the ex just happens to be an unfortunate part of that package.

 

Is there anyway you would consider getting involved? Just coming around every once and a while and being a "presence", a reminder that you guys are a unit might be important to establish to her.... if she sees it in person- it may help to hammer it in for her.

 

If he was a part of this child's life, and you get involved with the support, do you think it would make you feel better about things- or would that make you uncomfortable?

 

I guess it's apparant he can't walk away from a dying child.... I am just not sure how I'd handle things if I were in your shoes. I think you have to trust in your love for one another, and it seems as if you do. I think boundaries need to be recognized. He needs to be honest about when he goes to the hospital and what contact he has with her about it. He needs to be 100% open with you. It's the not being upfront about everything that could cause trust issues- so he needs to know honesty is the only way to handle this.

 

It's a tough situation, very tough. As I said, I think you are being really patient and honorable about the situation, even though it must be unimaginably frustrating.