Should I tell my girl about a past Hook-up going to my birthday?

[j_hunt_12]

Sorry, this is a really stupid problem but anyways.

 

Alright, so I'm currently in an LDR with a girl I met studying abroad. Everything has been going really well, we've been together 4 months now 2 of which were together. We were together 2 more but not dating. I'm really in love with her and really feel right with her every way. It's complicated but now I'm still abroad and my GF is in the U.S.

 

Anyways, my GF knows I hooked up with another girl shortly before we started dating and it has been one thing she has been pretty jealous about throughout our relationship. And this girl I hooked up with: there really was not anything there it was just a party hook-up not even sex, but we have remained friends and I told her I'm dating my GF now. Nonetheless, I have not been hanging out with her because I know my GF would be jealous if she knew we were hanging out. But now I keep running into this girl at bars and clubs. At some point I managed to invite her to my birthday party because she was asking me to invite her. I really want to be friends with this girl (We are both Americans studying abroad, so it nice having people to talk to). The problem is my GF's sister is going to be there too so my GF is going to know if she is there.

 

The way I look at it. We are good friends and nothing has happened since that one night and we were both single at the time. And me and my GF's LDR was originally going to be exclusive (for me only... I know it is weird, but it was her idea), but later I told her I didn't want to hook-up with other girls and promised I wouldn't... But she is SO jealous about this one girl no matter what.. Just mentioning her name brings out the "dark side" of my GF... haha

 

Would this be out of line for you (ladies)? And should I just tell my GF that she will be at my birthday? How would you react to this?

 

Sorry for such a long post for such a stupid dilemma, but I really don't want to mess up my relationship and talking about stuff like this is risky over the internet...thanks

[HisLove]

JHunt - I guess you need to decide which is more important out of the two. And decide accordingly.

[sally4sara]

Yes you should tell your GF because its the honest thing to do and because her sister will end up telling her anyway. If you say nothing and she finds out from her sister, it will look really bad on your part. It will look like you were up to something.

I wouldn't worry about it messing up your relationship. Your GF is going to see to that anyway. What kind of agreement is that anyway where she can tell you who to talk to, hold you to fidelity, and be allowed to screw around herself?

[j_hunt_12]

Sally for Sara: Thanks... I took your advise and the letter is sent...

 

Sorry... I messed up how I wrote that.. she was originally going to let me screw around when it got to be an LDR and she promised she wouldn't do anything (cultural thing), but later I said that I wouldn't screw around any either, so it's a normal NON-open relationship now.

 

I'm just nervous because she really hates THIS girl for some reason... When we were all in the same city and we were dating I did hang out with this other girl but when I told my GF she always got really mad and told me not to talk about it. And the distance, (and a slight language barrier) makes communication difficult for us, especially b/c we can't always speak on the phone but once a week (maybe) and we can only get on the internet so often...

Edited March 8, 2008 by j_hunt_12

[TMichaels]

j_hunt_12,

 

As long as this "other girl" isn't the ONLY person at your birthday party, what's the problem?

 

If you know your g/f's sister is going to be there, and no doubt will give a "full report" why not make sure that report is a good one? Certainly don't spend an inordinate amount of time with the other girl and try to spend time equally with all your guests.

 

However, if you really want to "bullet-proof" the evening, you might consider spending more time hanging out with your g/f's sister than anyone else. I would think she's the last person your g/f will be jealous of, and the one person she trusts to give her an honest evaluation of what went on with whom.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 8, 2008 by TMichaels

[surfcitysiren]

It's better that she hears it from you.

 

The bottom line is TRUST in any relationship. In a LDR it becomes even MORE paramount.

 

Remember that you will not be able to control her reaction or the outcome of sharing this information with her. I'd present it to her exactly the way you've presented it to us here. The truth is, as long as you are really truly being HONEST and do not have some other reason for wanting this other friend around, how she reacts is not your problem.

 

I'm assuming you two are on the young side.....LDR are hard for anyone, at any age. But if you guys have something real and special, your gf needs to realize her need for constant reassurance and her jealousy/insecurity is going to killl this realtionship if she is not able to keep it in check.

 

Good luck with that, man! (and Happy Birthday).

[sally4sara]

Good for you J_hunt for being honest!

And thanks for clearing up your wording about the arrangement for your LDR.

 

As for why your GF has such a big problem with this one girl. It could be a combination of your girl being a bit insecure and because, as you said, you hooked up with her shortly before you got with your girlfriend. This might give your GF the feeling that not enough time has gone by to ensure and feelings or attractions has gone away for you and this other girl.

I don't recommend you stop being socially friendly towards the girl just to make more room for your GF to act on her insecurities. If I kicked dogs every time I was around them, simply keeping dogs from me wouldn't solve my problem. I would still be all about kicking dogs and if there were no dogs around I might look for something else to kick. Do you get what I mean?

The only good reasons to end a friendship with someone of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship are if the friend says or does inappropriate things, bad mouths your partner, or disrespects your relationship. If this friend doesn't do these things, then your GF is getting upset over her own issues and insecurities. If this friend does overtly flirt or try to get you to cheat, talks trash about your GF, tries to set you up on dates...then yes your GF is right to ask you to get rid of her.

[j_hunt_12]

Thank you everybody... I just called her and was talking with her about it and it was completely fine. I'm surprized because she got really angry earlier when we were together when I talked about it but she was completely ok with it now that we are in LDR. I think she was insecure earlier but she has gotten a lot better about not worrying about stuff in the past few months, which is good considering we are in an LDR and, like you said, there is no room for that. Like I've said in other post, I'm her first BF so she's getting used to the whole thing....

 

but thanks, I was just making sure I wasn't out of line here... peace