thegr81 Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 My wife has come to me and said that she wants to seperate due to her not being "in love" with me anymore. Now i am devestated at this relevation, i love her with all my heart and dont understand what she means. I have done some research on the topic and "in love" to my knowledge is something that happens very early in a relationship. That love then changes and matures and becomes a more nurturing love, a true love. Can anyone shed spme light on the diff between loving and being in love with your spouse. thanks thegr81 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Hmm... I'll try. Right now, if anything happened to my wife or she needed anything, I'd be there for her. I treat her well, bring her coffee in bed (in about an hour) and tolerate the foibles of her family. Those are examples of love (to me anyway). "In love" is her always being on my mind, the first name on my mental list. Saying "I love you xxx" to myself when she's not around. Wanting to hold her close. Finding her sexually attractive and beautiful regardless of her appearance. I've lost the latter, still have the former and am in MC. Maybe it'll help you. Link to post Share on other sites
zomgsavemymarriage Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 I am questioning at this point in my relationship whether if I am "in love" with my wife. For me it means this, being "in love" getting a smile and feeling of warmth when my wife enters the room and sits next to me. You miss her when she is not around(within reason). You have a strong desire to make her happy because she makes you feel special. You have strong emotional and sexual connections. Now to say I just love my wife only basically means, I generally respect her, would never hurt her(maybe a little emotinally since she almost laughs in my face at times when it comes to my emotions.) I am still protective of her, and generally care for her well being(this is slowly decreasing though. Read my thread on my marriage and you will understand why. And by the way, my wife does not try to stimulate the feelings I described in my "in love" description. Maybe your wife feels that way about you. Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 My wife has come to me and said that she wants to seperate due to her not being "in love" with me anymore. Now i am devestated at this relevation, i love her with all my heart and dont understand what she means. I have done some research on the topic and "in love" to my knowledge is something that happens very early in a relationship. That love then changes and matures and becomes a more nurturing love, a true love. Can anyone shed spme light on the diff between loving and being in love with your spouse. thanks thegr81 Is your wife dressing differently, working out ect? Usually when a spouse comes up with I love you but not in love with you and want to seperate they are usually in an affair. They usually do this so they can continue their affair. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Backstory here Interestingly, OP, though the gender roles are reversed, your story is very similar to my own. Most of the disappearance of my "in love" feelings came about during caring for my demented mother and my wife distancing herself emotionally from the whole situation. I felt abandoned as I struggled to take care of my mother, continue to earn a living (my business suffered) and try to keep my marriage together. I saw (my own perspective) little effort from her. It made me question why I was married. I didn't internalize my grief but got little empathy. In my mind, that's what an intimate relationship is all about, and I've been that empathetic person for her (and others). So, if your wife feels anything like I do, you've got a long row to hoe. Definitely get into MC and consult for IC for her. Tell her the marriage depends on it and you want the marriage to work. If she still wants to seperate, let her go and file for divorce and take care of your kids. IOW, shift your focus. The kids need you (I don't mean financially).... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 The line your wife gave you is what most spouses give when they are about to cheat on them or already have. The "in love" they are feeling is what happens in a brand new relationship - lust, passion, heady chemical mixes, obsession, desire, etc. If she is saying that she doesn't feel that for you, then the part she is likely leaving out is that she feels it for someone else. People generally don't ditch love for "in love" unless someone else has come into the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thegr81 Posted March 8, 2008 Author Share Posted March 8, 2008 The line your wife gave you is what most spouses give when they are about to cheat on them or already have. The "in love" they are feeling is what happens in a brand new relationship - lust, passion, heady chemical mixes, obsession, desire, etc. If she is saying that she doesn't feel that for you, then the part she is likely leaving out is that she feels it for someone else. People generally don't ditch love for "in love" unless someone else has come into the picture. Hey everyone, Thanks for replying to my thread. I agree and dissagree with a few comments, but i am not dissmising any of them. Firstly, i dont think there is an OM. I have asked her repetedly and she says no. I know she could be lying, but i dont think so. I do agree with Lucrezia in how he describes the difference between Love and being "in love". In love begins at the start of a relationship, its new, there is lust, chemicals flying around etc, it's exciting. When the relationship moves forward, the "in love" part changes and makes way for a more deep and "real love". You care for the persons well being, you dont make any demands on them, there are no conditions to your love for them, you want to see them grow as people......you are true partners in life. Within that stage, for most committed couples come children, and that bonds the couple even more as the children are a byproduct of your love. As i said, i we had moved onto the next stage of the loving process, but i guess my wife is reverting back. Maybe she is going through a mid life crisis (she is 36) and feels like she could do better. Like all relationships, we have had a rocky time over the past few years. Me starting a business, money issues, familly issues ect, but that's all part and parcel of married life, heck it's life in general. With all that has gone on, i do think our relationship lacked intimacy, mostly brought on by external factors such as stress over money, business, familly etc. Probleme i have is that we have wwethered the storm, but now she wants out.....she wants a break from us to see if she will miss us. Probleme with that is it's not just her feelings that are being crushed here, we have 2 beautifull children who are devestated like me, so why are her feelings so much more important than all of ours???? Look forward to your replies. thegr81 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 When the relationship moves forward, the "in love" part changes and makes way for a more deep and "real love". You care for the persons well being, you dont make any demands on them, there are no conditions to your love for them, you want to see them grow as people......you are true partners in life. Altruistic, but unrealistic IMO. Ask your wife about this. Recipe for emotional suicide, IMO. Such nearly got me many years ago. Your love for your children is unconditional and total. Not so for adult relationships of equals. Feel free to debate it but I think you'll see examples of the "conditional" in your own relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Gr81, I think it's likely that you are being gently maneuvered out of your marriage. It's entirely possible, probable even... that she's just 'keeping you sweet' while she makes for the exit. It's not unusual for a woman who's bent on divorce to circumvent the issue for a good long while so as to allow the man to become accustomed to the idea. In general terms, men are bigger and stronger... and more likely to become physically volatile. Also, there's the matter of financial security for the family, where more often than not, the husband is the larger contributor to the family finances. To be honest, there was a time when I was "bent on divorce" myself, and this was EXACTLY my plan.... maneuver him out of the house on promises that it would be on a "trial" basis, all the while KNOWING that my intent was otherwise. All I'd have to do is create distance and let him get used to the idea for awhile, and then spring it on him after we'd arrived at a new family routine. Your best bet, IMO, is not to cooperate with a "trial separation" unless you want to end up divorced. Now, you certainly can't stop the woman from leaving you if that's what she wants to do. But that doesn't mean you have to help her do it either. She hasn't given you sufficient reason for her apparent choice to abandon the marriage. All she's managed to cough up is that she's not "in love", hardly good enough cause in light of all you have to lose as a family. Consider these statistics about marriage and poverty from Glenn Beck's An Inconvenient Book: About two-thirds of "poor" children reside in single-parent homes.Poor mothers who married before their baby was six months old were half as likely to be raising the child in poverty five years later.Married men drink less, take drugs at a lower rate, and earn between 10 and 40 percent more than single men with similar resumes.92 percent of children who live in families that make more than $75,000 per year live with two parent; 80 percent of those who live in families that make less that $15,000 do not.Kids who don't live with two biological parents are more than five times as likely to be poor and twice as likely to drop out of high school and have behavioral problems.Those who marry and divorce end up more than four times richer than those who never marry. And that's just one little blurb about finances. When you really start thinking about the reality of divorce and researching its effect the family, well... "I'm just not feeling it" sounds fairly lame. If it were me, I'd lay my ears back and tell her she needed better justification, and that I was certainly NOT going to abandon hearth and home on some kind of emotionally hysterical whim. Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 (edited) The line your wife gave you is what most spouses give when they are about to cheat on them or already have. The "in love" they are feeling is what happens in a brand new relationship - lust, passion, heady chemical mixes, obsession, desire, etc. If she is saying that she doesn't feel that for you, then the part she is likely leaving out is that she feels it for someone else. People generally don't ditch love for "in love" unless someone else has come into the picture. I agree with LB on this. To me, "in love" is a favorite concept in cheap romance novels and in the minds of people trying to justify having an affair. "in love" is infatuation - the chemical rush, the obsessive thinking, heart racing, etc. Yeah, does the love you feel for a spouse in a long term relationship seem dull by comparison? You betcha. Long term love can't compete in the short term with the excitement and addictive quality of a new infatuation. But the feelings of "in love" usually fade within 6 mos, a year on the outside. My H's OW spent a good bit of effort "explaining" to him that he might love me, but was clearly in love with her and vice versa (she was also married). It raised a lot of doubts in his mind and caused a lot of confusion. After it was over and the fog cleared, he felt he had a much better idea of what love, real love, was and what it wasn't. What he explained to me is very much captured in the link I am providing to the 8 stages of intimacy. Also google "love vs infatuation" and you will get a lot of good comparisons of the two. I hate to say this, but I agree with posters who say your wife is already having an affair. To her, the "in love" feelings probably seem full of romance and excitement and seem so special it must be what she has been waiting for. She is being foolish, but she will have to find that out for herself. http://www.couplescompany.com/advice/Articles/Intimacy_Stages/Intimacy1.htm I also agree that you should not allow yourself to be maneuvered out the house for her convenience. You have done nothing wrong. If she has issues, she owes it to you and the children to try MC before she bails or pushes you out. She is swimming in the deep end of "Lake Me" and she needs to snap out of it. Edited March 8, 2008 by smartgirl want to add text Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 to do some snooping on her Link to post Share on other sites
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